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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I need to take this further?

154 replies

User628394 · 11/10/2020 14:32

Currently in the process of moving house. PILs very kindly come over to help us out with moving boxes etc as I’m 7 months pregnant.

Almost as soon as he arrived, as a ‘joke’ my FIL decided to wrap the cord of our blind around the neck of my cat, who was sitting on the window sill. The cat wasn’t hurt, but had he jumped down he could certainly have ended up hurt or even strangled.

My husband and MIL saw and immediately intervened. Both were absolutely furious, my MIL in particular gave him a real telling off.

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this - a few years ago my cat was playing in a cardboard box and my FIL stabbed a knife through the box a few times. The box was huge and he was stabbing near the top so was very unlikely to hit the cat, but if the cat had jumped up or tried to bat the knife it could have caused injury.

On both occasions FIL was seriously told off by my (very kind, lovely and sensible) MIL, but he’s always totally unrepentant about it. It’s like he just gets annoyed that no-one else is seeing the joke. He does other mad, impulsive things all the time. If he’s ever helping you put up a shelf he sometimes has to be physically restrained from drilling a hole just anywhere while you work out where to put it, for example. It’s like he can’t resist any kind of behaviour that will get him attention, even if it’s negative, and it’s all a big joke to him.

Now, I don’t know whether anything more needs to be said. My MIL really was angry at him this morning and my husband told him in no uncertain terms not to behave that way, so in one sense it has been dealt with. But I’m also aware that this is a pattern of behaviour with him, and while it’s serious enough when it’s a cat, he has to understand that he simply can’t behave this way with the baby once it’s born. I don’t really trust him not to pull one of his stupid ‘jokes’ which are actually dangerous, but with a baby instead.

So do we need to talk to him about this, or do we leave it since my MIL has dealt with the incident? My husband and I have already agreed we won’t ever let him be in charge of the baby on his own - only when my MIL is there. We haven’t said this to them because I really think my MIL would be devastated to hear it (even though we trust her completely - it’s only him I have concerns about).

OP posts:
User628394 · 11/10/2020 14:35

I should also say, he’s a really generous, kind and helpful man usually, and I don’t believe he’s actually trying to be malicious. He adores the cat. I just think he has a real inability to see when something is a joke and when something is dangerous, and he gets carried away with the endless desire to ‘perform’ and be the centre of attention.

OP posts:
milkjetmum · 11/10/2020 14:35

How old is he? Is dementia a possibility?

Butterer · 11/10/2020 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

User628394 · 11/10/2020 14:38

I don’t think so - he’s 60 but he’s been like this for as long as I’ve known him! My MIL sometimes says she thinks he is ‘on the spectrum’, but I know that’s now an outdated phrase and he has never had a diagnosis. But he is generally never been good at recognising when things are funny or when he’s just being annoying, difficult or dangerous. He’s one of those people where you can genuinely tell his heart is in the right place, but for whatever reason he gets it very wrong sometimes.

OP posts:
NeutralJanet · 11/10/2020 14:38

Your FIL is a total idiot. Never, ever leave your child alone with him, I probably wouldn't even leave them at the PILs house at all in case he tries his stupid shit when MIL is out of the room. Was he like this with your husband when he was growing up?

Jeschara · 11/10/2020 14:38

I was wondering about dementure.

toiletpaper · 11/10/2020 14:40

@User628394

I don’t think so - he’s 60 but he’s been like this for as long as I’ve known him! My MIL sometimes says she thinks he is ‘on the spectrum’, but I know that’s now an outdated phrase and he has never had a diagnosis. But he is generally never been good at recognising when things are funny or when he’s just being annoying, difficult or dangerous. He’s one of those people where you can genuinely tell his heart is in the right place, but for whatever reason he gets it very wrong sometimes.
I think she may have a point from what you've said here
User628394 · 11/10/2020 14:42

He was (and is) a great dad to my husband, so I don’t know if he was this way when young. My husband loves him but recognises the issue and is totally on board with not letting FIL have the baby alone.

I think in a lot of ways he will be a great granddad - he’s good fun, loves games and activities, would happily answer a million questions, loves his family etc. He just has this huge blind spot which frightens me.

OP posts:
lockeddownandcrazy · 11/10/2020 14:54

MIL intervened after the fact, baby shouldnt be left with her in charge either if he is there. I would be very worried if he can treat an animal he allegedly cares about like this

rainbowunicorn · 11/10/2020 14:57

He would not be getting back in my house, in fact he would not have been back in my house after the first incident with the cat and the knife. He sounds like a complete dick and he would not be getting near my kids.

iklboo · 11/10/2020 14:58

Wow it didn't take long for me to win dementia bingo on this one. Nobody over 40 can ever just be a dick on here can they?

User628394 · 11/10/2020 15:03

He’s not generally a dick. He’s helpful, generous, clearly loves us. But has a massive blind spot about attention seeking in negative ways. I know it’s hard to reconcile these things, but people are nuanced and complicated! I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater when so much of him is good. But I think we do need to have a discussion about this issue so that he starts to take it seriously.

just for clarification, MIL didn’t intervene ‘after the fact’ - as soon as she saw what was happening she put a stop to it, there was no hesitation there. I came into the room because I heard her telling him off, and my husband then explained exactly what had happened later.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 11/10/2020 15:04

Sounds like something my ex fil would do trying to be funny and get attention.
I don't want to go down the outdated spectrum diagnosis, but I did wonder about some of his behaviour.

User628394 · 11/10/2020 15:14

@thesunwillout that’s exactly it - it’s all about being the jokester and getting attention for that. He generally always wants to be the centre of attention but some of his ways of establishing that are much worse than others! It may well be that if he had been a child today he might have had a diagnosis that would have helped.

OP posts:
Laaalaaaa · 11/10/2020 15:22

@Jeschara

I was wondering about dementure.
What’s dementure?
Butterer · 11/10/2020 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheshireCats · 11/10/2020 15:25

I wouldn't have in in my house again ever. Nor would the baby ever be left there.

CheshireCats · 11/10/2020 15:26

*him in

Laaalaaaa · 11/10/2020 15:30

@Butterer

Misspelled 'dementia'? Sounds the same out loud..
I had an image of dentures in my head.

Back to the thread, anybody treating my cat like that would never ever set foot in my house again - regardless of who they are. Cat comes first.

Denny53 · 11/10/2020 15:30

@rainbowunicorn

He would not be getting back in my house, in fact he would not have been back in my house after the first incident with the cat and the knife. He sounds like a complete dick and he would not be getting near my kids.
That’s so harsh!
HyacynthBucket · 11/10/2020 15:31

Perhaps he has some sort of undiagnosed impulse disorder?

downtheroadcat · 11/10/2020 15:37

Harsh, but true in my house as well. No one would ever do that to my cat twice,

queenMab99 · 11/10/2020 15:39

I know someone a bit like this, quite reckless sometimes, in a jokey way, very caring but goes too far, when in a silly mood, he is in his 40s. It has become apparent that the drug taking we thought he had given up years ago has either re-emerged or never gone away. Could this be the case here?

SBTLove · 11/10/2020 15:40

@iklboo
And ‘on the spectrum’ for your bingo card 🙄
Agree, nobody is ever just an thoughtless arse, there’s always an excuse.

Pelleas · 11/10/2020 15:42

Anyone who tried to harm my cats would be banned from my life forever.

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