Do I need to take this further?

[User628394]

Currently in the process of moving house. PILs very kindly come over to help us out with moving boxes etc as I’m 7 months pregnant.

Almost as soon as he arrived, as a ‘joke’ my FIL decided to wrap the cord of our blind around the neck of my cat, who was sitting on the window sill. The cat wasn’t hurt, but had he jumped down he could certainly have ended up hurt or even strangled.

My husband and MIL saw and immediately intervened. Both were absolutely furious, my MIL in particular gave him a real telling off.

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this - a few years ago my cat was playing in a cardboard box and my FIL stabbed a knife through the box a few times. The box was huge and he was stabbing near the top so was very unlikely to hit the cat, but if the cat had jumped up or tried to bat the knife it could have caused injury.

On both occasions FIL was seriously told off by my (very kind, lovely and sensible) MIL, but he’s always totally unrepentant about it. It’s like he just gets annoyed that no-one else is seeing the joke. He does other mad, impulsive things all the time. If he’s ever helping you put up a shelf he sometimes has to be physically restrained from drilling a hole just anywhere while you work out where to put it, for example. It’s like he can’t resist any kind of behaviour that will get him attention, even if it’s negative, and it’s all a big joke to him.

Now, I don’t know whether anything more needs to be said. My MIL really was angry at him this morning and my husband told him in no uncertain terms not to behave that way, so in one sense it has been dealt with. But I’m also aware that this is a pattern of behaviour with him, and while it’s serious enough when it’s a cat, he has to understand that he simply can’t behave this way with the baby once it’s born. I don’t really trust him not to pull one of his stupid ‘jokes’ which are actually dangerous, but with a baby instead.

So do we need to talk to him about this, or do we leave it since my MIL has dealt with the incident? My husband and I have already agreed we won’t ever let him be in charge of the baby on his own - only when my MIL is there. We haven’t said this to them because I really think my MIL would be devastated to hear it (even though we trust her completely - it’s only him I have concerns about).

@Busybrain2020 are you mad? Just because nothing happened this time, doesn’t mean what he did wasn’t dangerous. And it’s just completely unnecessary to do these absolutely stupid things.

I find it quite chilling how you (OP, her DH and MIL) are all making excuses for him. If he did love the cat, he wouldn’t have stabbed the box it was in nor wrapped the blind cord round it’s neck. He just wouldn’t. I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my house and I wouldn’t be leaving baby with MIL either. It’s just not worth the risk.

Oh and to add to the game of diagnosis bingo, I’ll throw in antisocial personality disorder.

I wouldn't worry about it further. Your MIL and DH have sorted this out, and you have no intention of ever letting him be in charge of your baby, so its a non issue. If in the future, MIL needs to babysit then you can speak to her about keeping FIL under control.

I'll add adhd to the bingo card.

Reminds me of my dad. He doesn't do dangerous things he does really inappropriate embarrassing things though.

People 'on the spectrum' are not generally known for sadistic behaviour aimed at small defenceless animals. Quite the opposite in fact. We get completely overwhelmed by our empathy for them. The only spectrum your FIL is on is the sadistic bastard one.

So what are the consequences for him trying to hurt your pet for attention? A telling off that you already know doesn't have any impact? Anything that actually bothers him? He'd be out of my house and life forever after the knife incident. What an evil man.

Pointing out the animal would have been hurt had it jumped down with a blind cord wrapped around its neck is not hysterical or precious.

He’s a dangerous, attention-seeking fuckwit, and I wouldn’t let him near my cat let alone a baby.

I’m really sorry, but it doesn’t matter how nice he is in other ways, he still did this awful violent thing. You know it yourself, it’s why you’ve agreed with your husband he can’t be trusted with the baby (and you’re dead right). And that says a lot. MIL needs to know the score, even if it upsets her. I think you’re struggling to compute how he could do this (understandable), and wincing at the awkwardness of possibly taking it further, but honestly I think once that baby comes along all those things will melt into insignificance. It’s amazing how crystal clear black and white things become when the safety of your child is at stake. You’re 7 months pregnant and it’s started to kick in already. Trust it. And congratulations

You've given him two chances with your cat (he wouldn't have been allowed back in my house if he'd been near my cat with a knife, but I'll not dwell on that)

Unfortunately, he can't be trusted around your cat or your new baby, so he can't be invited around anymore.

I hope that having a discussion with him would/will help, but I have a feeling that someone who does these kinds of things may not really stop to think about it long enough for it to make a difference.

Maybe there will be a positive difference just because it will be his grandchild instead of a cat...

I think the talk with MIL will have the best chance of making a difference, though I'd probably worry about those times that she has no choice but to turn her back or leave the baby unattended.

Flipping heck! If someone had stabbed a knife into a box where one of my pets was sitting, they'd A) No longer have any privates because I'd have chopped them off with said knife and shoved them up their arse and B) Would not be allowed in my house again.

He finds pretending to kill animals amusing because he finds killing animals amusing. I’d hate to see his internet search history.

Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD to me

Sounds like arseholery to me.

People 'on the spectrum' are not generally known for sadistic behaviour aimed at small defenceless animals. Quite the opposite in fact. We get completely overwhelmed by our empathy for them.

And this ^

My DD is "on the spectrum". So am I, though to a much lesser degree. It's people we can't read, and social situations which are difficult for us/

Animals don't dissemble. We can see when they are happy/sad/afraid etc, and when they are upset it tears us up. DD can't even watch the news if anything affecting children or animals is on.

It really doesn't matter WHY he behaves this way. All that matters is that he DOES, and that he WILL.

The problem is, you can't allow your baby to be looked after by the both of them. Doesn't matter how lovely she is and how much you trust her, fact is that she will have to go to the loo at some point and your FIL will think it would be a joke for her to come back from the loo to see him doing one of his 'jokes' with your baby. He just will.

I'd have that conversation with her ASAP .

Could it be ADD?

I can be an utter twunt sometimes when I'm behaving impulsively. I just do not think of the consquences of my actions. Mostly I try to rein it in, but just every so often...

However, I have managed to raise five kids without doing any of them harm.

Don't leave your cat alone with him ever.

If he's been like this for 60 years and doesn't respond to being told off, then there's fuck all use talking to him again.

You will just need to supervise when your baby is around him.

He doesn't sound on the spectrum in anyway. Having Autism doesn't make you seek attention and danger for kicks. He just sounds like an idiot.

Just a silly ill thought out joke. My fil used to do stupid stuff like this. Highly unlikely to be dementia, and suggestions by some pps to cut him off and not let him through your door - bonkers over reaction!

A male family member sounds like him, he tries and says stupid things that he thinks are funny but they’re not!
I think it’s all about attention seeking. They get a response when they are being a dick 😡

Jesus wept - if the cat had struggled, it could have been garrotted.
I can’t conceive how anyone could even come up with such bizarre stunts - wtf is going on in his head? It’s like some weird compulsion.

Do not leave him with your baby even if MIL is there - she could nip to the loo and he’d be hilariously dangling the baby out of the bedroom window... I mean, how was he to know the baby would slip? It was a joke and he is more devastated than anyone; after all, he loved that baby...

I read dementure as denture. "On the spectrum" is out now? He's a knob.

christ he really hates cats!

Has anyone asked HIM what the issue is?

I would not be happy to have any adult who likes to torture animals in my house no matter their relation to me, nor would I assume dementia or special needs. It's just sick.