Do I need to take this further?

[User628394]

Currently in the process of moving house. PILs very kindly come over to help us out with moving boxes etc as I’m 7 months pregnant.

Almost as soon as he arrived, as a ‘joke’ my FIL decided to wrap the cord of our blind around the neck of my cat, who was sitting on the window sill. The cat wasn’t hurt, but had he jumped down he could certainly have ended up hurt or even strangled.

My husband and MIL saw and immediately intervened. Both were absolutely furious, my MIL in particular gave him a real telling off.

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this - a few years ago my cat was playing in a cardboard box and my FIL stabbed a knife through the box a few times. The box was huge and he was stabbing near the top so was very unlikely to hit the cat, but if the cat had jumped up or tried to bat the knife it could have caused injury.

On both occasions FIL was seriously told off by my (very kind, lovely and sensible) MIL, but he’s always totally unrepentant about it. It’s like he just gets annoyed that no-one else is seeing the joke. He does other mad, impulsive things all the time. If he’s ever helping you put up a shelf he sometimes has to be physically restrained from drilling a hole just anywhere while you work out where to put it, for example. It’s like he can’t resist any kind of behaviour that will get him attention, even if it’s negative, and it’s all a big joke to him.

Now, I don’t know whether anything more needs to be said. My MIL really was angry at him this morning and my husband told him in no uncertain terms not to behave that way, so in one sense it has been dealt with. But I’m also aware that this is a pattern of behaviour with him, and while it’s serious enough when it’s a cat, he has to understand that he simply can’t behave this way with the baby once it’s born. I don’t really trust him not to pull one of his stupid ‘jokes’ which are actually dangerous, but with a baby instead.

So do we need to talk to him about this, or do we leave it since my MIL has dealt with the incident? My husband and I have already agreed we won’t ever let him be in charge of the baby on his own - only when my MIL is there. We haven’t said this to them because I really think my MIL would be devastated to hear it (even though we trust her completely - it’s only him I have concerns about).

He sounds cruel not nice.

A clear discussion is needed with them both now.

First offence and his arse would have been out the door with a permanent ban.

Sound abit cruel if he's enjoying tormenting an animal !

I’m horrified reading this! What odd behaviour!
I must say after the box and the knife incident, he would not be allowed near my cats anymore.

Tell him you don't want him to come round anymore because you're worried he'll hurt the cat, and later potentially the baby. At the moment he's getting 'told off' but with no long term consequences.

If you're thinking 'but otherwise he's so nice' then presumably this isn't a big deal after all. You've said it is. So I think you should act on that basis.

I wouldn’t be leaving my baby unattended with your MIL either. I know she will be heartbroken but honestly who fucking stand a box with a car in or puts a cord around it’s neck?
There’s no blind spot, he knows what he’s doing. It’s quite chilling that he gets away with it tbh (clearly he is not phased by getting a bollocking).

Reminds me of my dad holding us under water at the swimming pool just long enough to terrify us. All jolly japes of course I don’t have any contact with him either.

What a terrible thing to do,why would an idea like that even enter someone’s head, I just don’t get it. Scary.

Your MIL sounds lovely, pleased she was there to put a stop to the nonsense, as you have been given the heads up on your FIL “jokes” keep a watchful eye.

@rainbowunicorn

He would not be getting back in my house, in fact he would not have been back in my house after the first incident with the cat and the knife. He sounds like a complete dick and he would not be getting near my kids.

Same here. I'd have frogmarched the bastard right out of the house.

That’s so chilling BadDucks

I would not allow him within a mile of your new baby.

He definitely wasn’t trying to actually hurt the cat, and on both occasions the risk wasn’t huge - but equally it wasn’t non-existent, which is why it’s such a big deal. He would argue that he knew no harm would come to the cat, and he would probably be right, but of course there is still some risk and he just doesn’t seem able to understand why it wouldn’t occur to other people to take that risk, or why nobody finds it funny.

I’m not trying to minimise what he did - I’m angry and upset, and I want to stop this happening again. But it’s never as simple as saying ‘don’t darken my door again’. Families don’t work that way.

I agree though that at the moment he isn’t getting severe enough consequences, and the immediate telling off isn’t working. So maybe a frank conversation when it’s not the heat of the moment where we tell him his behaviour means we don’t trust him around the baby, will be enough to make the message sink in.

He sounds extremely childish. Some people never grow up but he goes too far; it needs to be brought home to him that his idea of a 'joke' is often extremely unacceptable.

I think you need to sit them both down and tell them they won't be welcome near your baby because of his behaviour. He needs to know that what he's doing isn't normal and he can't be trusted. They'll no doubt be very hurt and upset but the safety of other living creatures trumps that imo.

Thing is OP you're going to have to ask MIL not to leave him alone with the baby at some point, if you're going to have them look after the baby together.
My dad's nothing like this but has no interest in babies or small children and likes "teasing" my dc in ways he doesn't like - he always goes a bit too far - so he won't be looking after them alone for a while, but then again he would never want to either!

Some people are really odd about "jokes". Does he do anything like this in his own house when others visit or is it only when the risk is to others' things or pets?

So maybe a frank conversation when it’s not the heat of the moment where we tell him his behaviour means we don’t trust him around the baby, will be enough to make the message sink in.

He will without doubt genuinely think you are overreacting and he'd never have REALLY let anything bad happen (despite this being out of control in the situations described).

I think you need to remember he kept your son alive as a baby without doing anything ridiculous to him. It is highly highly unlikely he will do anything to a tiny baby, as you admit yourself, he’s not A bad person. And MIL will always be there just to keep an eye on things.

Tho yes - definitely sit him down next time you see him and make it clear if he wants to be the grandad you know he can be, there is to be NO ‘jokes’ like that or he won’t be getting left with the baby.

He will without doubt genuinely think you are overreacting and he'd never have REALLY let anything bad happen (despite this being out of control in the situations described).

I have no doubt this is true! But if it even makes him pause for thought it might be enough to curb the worst of it.

Thing is OP you're going to have to ask MIL not to leave him alone with the baby at some point, if you're going to have them look after the baby together.

This is true, and it will be awkward. She’s wonderful - kind, sensible, loving, thoughtful. She’s going to be a wonderful granny. So I really want her to be able to spend time with the baby and enjoy them. But we will need to explain to her that we don’t want FIL to be left alone with the baby. Uncomfortable as that will be, it’s a conversation I’m willing to have for the sake of the baby. And hopefully she might understand, because she gets absolutely incensed by his behaviour when he does these things and clearly recognises how stupid and upsetting it is. So she would hopefully see where we are coming from.

Wow! Just because someone is a fucking loony doesn't mean they have dementia!
This has made me think of that netflix Don't Fuck With Cats 😱

Yeah. He wouldn't be getting left alone with my child. You need to have a serious word with mil to make sure that if you leave the child with her she understands this and will respect your wishes. If she's likely to not take you seriously and leave the baby unsupervised with him then she needs to understand she can't babysit.

You are making excuses for him op. "He didn't mean to hurt the cat". He stabbed into a box with a cat in- cats move about in a box. He happily took a chance on stabbing your cat. He wound a cord round it's neck . Had it jumped, it would have been hurt and frightened at best. You say he loves the cat really... and yet this is how he treats it. Appalling. I expect he will love his grandchild really.... what will he do to them?

Possibly adhd.

And don't leave the baby alone with the mother in law. She can't protect the baby from her husband. What about when she goes to the loo, makes a cup of tea, answers the door? It doesn't work. She can't have the baby unsupervised.

Sorry but if the knife incident had happened with my cats, it wouldn’t have been brushed over with a ‘telling off’. A proper discussion and warning should have been had and he should have been made to account for his stupidly dangerous actions. Asked why he thinks it’s funny when no one else is even smiling never mind laughing. Told if he EVER does anything like that again that’s it.

Time for that discussion now OP with a final warning and let him know you mean it. With MIL there too so she can reiterate when they are alone.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but is that blind cord ‘baby safe’. Cord strangulations are depressingly common in toddlers.