Do I need to take this further?

[User628394]

Currently in the process of moving house. PILs very kindly come over to help us out with moving boxes etc as I’m 7 months pregnant.

Almost as soon as he arrived, as a ‘joke’ my FIL decided to wrap the cord of our blind around the neck of my cat, who was sitting on the window sill. The cat wasn’t hurt, but had he jumped down he could certainly have ended up hurt or even strangled.

My husband and MIL saw and immediately intervened. Both were absolutely furious, my MIL in particular gave him a real telling off.

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this - a few years ago my cat was playing in a cardboard box and my FIL stabbed a knife through the box a few times. The box was huge and he was stabbing near the top so was very unlikely to hit the cat, but if the cat had jumped up or tried to bat the knife it could have caused injury.

On both occasions FIL was seriously told off by my (very kind, lovely and sensible) MIL, but he’s always totally unrepentant about it. It’s like he just gets annoyed that no-one else is seeing the joke. He does other mad, impulsive things all the time. If he’s ever helping you put up a shelf he sometimes has to be physically restrained from drilling a hole just anywhere while you work out where to put it, for example. It’s like he can’t resist any kind of behaviour that will get him attention, even if it’s negative, and it’s all a big joke to him.

Now, I don’t know whether anything more needs to be said. My MIL really was angry at him this morning and my husband told him in no uncertain terms not to behave that way, so in one sense it has been dealt with. But I’m also aware that this is a pattern of behaviour with him, and while it’s serious enough when it’s a cat, he has to understand that he simply can’t behave this way with the baby once it’s born. I don’t really trust him not to pull one of his stupid ‘jokes’ which are actually dangerous, but with a baby instead.

So do we need to talk to him about this, or do we leave it since my MIL has dealt with the incident? My husband and I have already agreed we won’t ever let him be in charge of the baby on his own - only when my MIL is there. We haven’t said this to them because I really think my MIL would be devastated to hear it (even though we trust her completely - it’s only him I have concerns about).

Your minimising of this frankly horrific behaviour is very concerning OP - you appear to be unaware just how abnormal this behaviour is and how he nearly killed your cat on two occasions.

He's put your cat's life at risk twice when he's in your house with you there - I'd therefore be concerned about your baby's safety even if he's visiting you, never mind if the baby is alone with MIL and him. I think you need to have very serious conversations very very soon,

Another thought. If he thinks those are ok things to do with people present, I shudder to think what he'd do if no one was around. Are there an unusual number of 'missing' cats in his neighbourhood...? Wouldn't surprise me if there was. if he loved animals he wouldn't think his behaviour was funny. He obviously loathes cats. And if you do that to a being you profess to like,what would you do if a baby or pet unintentionally pissed you off? I'd be asking your partner a lot of questions about other behaviour when he was a child, as it might have been brushed off or normalised .

Another one suggesting ADD. It comes with high levels of impulsivity. It sounds like MIL has been dealing with it for ages and that why she just manages him and moves on. If it is, the only way to deal with it is make an ultra big fuss with FIL himself, you have to elevate the level of his focus on the baby’s and cat’s safety to a level high enough to trump his impulsivity level. So most people with ADD dont run into a road for a joke because they have internalized the dangerousness of it and that trumps their impulsiveness. Making a fuss with MIL wont change him. Making a fuss with him directly might

While he never actually harmed your cat, and may not have even intended any harm, he was absolutely reckless with the cats safety. In addition, since he thinks it’s a “joke” to deliberately endanger a cat, then he’s mentally disturbed and cannot be trusted around babies/children at all. Ever. Not even with MIL around. All MIL would have to do is turn her back for a few seconds, or let her guard down and your child could be endangered.
I’m sorry it would “devastate” her but seriously, she should only babysit your child in your home and without FIL present. There should be no leaving the child at MILs house ever.

You are going to have to tell your MIL that he cannot look after the baby by himself. Because otherwise she might think it was perfectly ok to pop out for a pint of milk and leave him in charge.

Are there an unusual number of 'missing' cats in his neighbourhood...?

Ahhhh now he’s a secret cat murderer!

Being cruel to animals is a red flag when assessing for sociopathy and psychopathy.

I would be very worried, you are right not to consider leaving him alone with your pending bundle of joy.

Shame your cat didn't scrag his bloody face off for that bastardish behaviour.

Hmm. If he does it for attention then he won't do it when he's alone. But it does sound like very odd impulsive behaviour, and he can be impulsive when alone, presumably. To say the least, his judgement sounds a bit iffy. My FIL allowed my DCH to stay up watch a violent film when they were small and I was very annoyed. He didn't get why.

He is a dick. A horrible person who thinks animal cruelty is funny and anyone who objects is ridiculous.

That’s not dementia or being on the spectrum.

Pretending to stab or Strangle a Car is just awful. Not the example you want set for your children.

I would sit him down, explain you find his behaviour inappropriate and upsetting. And it has to stop. Don’t let him gaslight you. If it doesn’t stop he won’t be welcome in your home.

@DameDoom

Jesus wept - if the cat had struggled, it could have been garrotted. I can’t conceive how anyone could even come up with such bizarre stunts - wtf is going on in his head? It’s like some weird compulsion.

Do not leave him with your baby even if MIL is there - she could nip to the loo and he’d be hilariously dangling the baby out of the bedroom window... I mean, how was he to know the baby would slip? It was a joke and he is more devastated than anyone; after all, he loved that baby...

It can be a compulsion. We bought a house that had a wonderful view: people would come to the front door, turn & look at the vista & say how lovely it was. My father? He looked at the beautiful view, then said to me, "Someone could really hurt themselves."

If the phrase WTF had been current in those days, I would've thought that...

I asked what he meant & he pointed out a house in the far distance which I'd never even noticed, & said, "That step at the door is high. Someone could hurt themsleves falling down that."

Why? Why would anyone be looking for things like that, or thinking that way?

He took a knife and stabbed a box your cat was in. He nearly stabbed your cat. 'Joking' or not.

Wtf. OP, you have a duty of care to your pet and you are failing him. A telling off clearly isn't working.

Let me guess, FIL is the kind of person who just 'doesn't understand why people own cats and is a dog person?' My sister is like that and has no regard for the wellbeing for our cat - hence the reason she is very infrequently invited to our home and when she is the cat is safely placed outside.

He's 'pretended' to try and stab your cat and try to throttle him so far, what next? He'll throw him? Grab his tail or his whiskers? Kick him?

It's violence against animals - it's not funny, it's not a joke, it's fucking weird. You need to nip the issue of the cat in the bag because if you don't what example is that setting for his boundaries with your baby?

He'll 'pretend' to drop it, he'll 'pretend' to wake it up from a nap, he'll 'pretend' to steal from it to make it cry. He sounds like an attention-seeking teenager, I'm embarrassed for him.

Before going Nc with my Mum for other reasons. I too felt that never leaving a baby alone with her was the only option I could go with if we started a family.

It's the things like she'd get the giggles at something that's actually too risky like a near miss crossing the road.

I sometimes wonder if it's simply that I'm risk adverse and she's not.

But other things like if you're coughing she'll thump you on the back really hard and when you ask her to stop she just laughs and says it's just a pat and do another just for good measure.

Or will poke you really hard and when you say stop that hurts just laughs and does it again.

Like she just doesnt compute that you don't find something funny and will try big gestures to make it funny even though it's not.

I posted before but for some reason it hasn't showed up.
OP, your FIL is fucking dangerous. It does matter if he has dementia, or an undiagnosed condition, the end result is he IS DANGEROUS. To your pets, and so is far to risky to be around your baby.
Seriously, the minimising on this thread is horrific.
Your FIL is showing so many red flags, it's like May Day in Moscow.

It DOESN'T matter if he he has Dementia, etc
Obviously!

A ‘joke’ involving knives is never funny, or a joke. It’s so far beyond normal or appropriate, I’m shocked you can’t see it.

Tho yes - definitely sit him down next time you see him and make it clear if he wants to be the grandad you know he can be, there is to be NO ‘jokes’ like that or he won’t be getting left with the baby

Only problem with this is what he considers a joke and it only needs one joke (potentially the first joke) to go badly wrong.
And now I feel like I wrote joke too many times.

@laaalaaaa
Dementure - It's forgetting where you put your false teeth.

I don’t want to be a drama llama but I am seriously, seriously worried about someone wrapping cord around a cat’s neck and stabbing a knife through a box that it is in. I sincerely hope that you won’t look back on these incidents as red flags of a violent man that you should have heeded. Honestly - I’m really concerned. Nothing funny about either and I find it weird that he’s unable to see that this isn’t normal,

I’m not being funny and I get that it is very hard when it’s family that you are talking about but he never would have set foot in my house again after he terrified my cat by trying to stab them with a knife when they were in a box.

That’s not funny. At all.

It’s abusive. Psychopathic.

How would you feel if he shut you in a box and proceeded to stab it all over?

And then put a blind cord round it’s neck?

I mean, seriously? Who does that? He’s really, really fucking insane and what’s more insane is how all the family make excuses for him and thus permit him to carry on.

NO. Just, no! Stop with the excuses. Be so so very careful with your newborn, it could end in tragedy.

I’m still really upset thinking about what your poor little cat has been through . I’d just be frightened that if he finds torturing a cat and making it fear for its life funny that he might be equally cruel and abusive to a defenceless baby to wind you up.

Sounds slightly like my MIL, who is autistic But also has a development delay. She just does stupid, impulsive things which she thinks are hilarious (and would be if you were 10).

Such as she once spent £100 (Most of her weekly rent) on pick a mix at the cinema when I took her with my husband. When he asked her Why she’s done that, and how she was paying rent. She become very angry with him and stormed out of the cinema and into the shopping centre.

She can’t walk passed parked cars without interfering with them, putting the wipers up or drawing willies in their dirty bonnet. Again if we don’t laugh she gets quite angry.

She does stupid things like running into waist height ponds to pretend to be a duck (in winter), and tried to ride a swan (she didn’t catch it and was quickly pulled away)

Oh the unrealistic dramatics. ‘He’d never come back in my house ever.’ I highly doubt any of you making these proclamations would actually action them.

The man isn’t malicious, he’s daft and his sense of humour is very weird, but to ban him from your house? I just don’t believe you would. He shouldn’t be turned into a pariah within his own family and none of you should be recommending it as you don’t know the man.

OP - I don’t have advice but I can definitely understand that you’d be alarmed. I wouldn’t like it at all if I felt someone found putting my cat in the situations you’ve described entertaining. I would probably ask my husband to have a conversation with the parent in question to try and get to the bottom of it. I don’t think I’d leave the baby/cat alone with him, but I wouldn’t ban him either.

I say this as someone with a much beloved cat that is currently asleep at the end of my bed.

@Franklyfrost

He finds pretending to kill animals amusing because he finds killing animals amusing. I’d hate to see his internet search history.

I suspect he is also amused by the reactions of anyone who witnesses his shit.

He sounds bloody dangerous if he has impulses like that, not just the cat (what the fuck was he thinking?!) but with people too?! If he’s ever helping you put up a shelf he sometimes has to be physically restrained from drilling a hole just anywhere while you work out where to put it, for example
I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, I'd be too on edge!

I'd have insisted he leave immediately after the knife incident, and most certainly would not have invited him into my home again.

If you have the misfortune of visiting his home (personally I'd go no contact) try shoving him in a box and randomly stabbing with a knife, or putting a noose round his neck and giving it a good firm yank.
Preferably both.

I suspect he is also amused by the reactions of anyone who witnesses his shit.

Video his reactions to being stabbed whilst in a box and having a noose round his neck - see if he is amused by having the videos up on facebook.