To put up with being spoken to like this..

[loopyloz88]

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

OP, do you understand that he's not actually angry at anything you've done? You're his verbal punching bag - just a convenient focus for his anger.

He's annoyed that the boiler has gone wrong, you have no hot water, it's going to be a hassle to fix and it might be expensive. Then he's extra annoyed that he can't work out what's wrong with it himself - he might have a vague idea about plumbing, but is out of his depth with this which makes him feel stupid. So he's full of annoyance and anger, but doesn't have any target for his rage- he could possibly be annoyed with the person who installed the boiler, but that's not very satisfying because they're not here and it was a whole year ago. Or he could be annoyed with himself for not having fixed it, but he doesn't want to blame himself. So all that anger and rage is bouncing around inside him looking for a way out.

...then you make yourself the perfect (unwitting) target. You do something that makes things worse, and suddenly he's got someone that he can blame stood right in front of him, and you get it all - anger for the thing breaking in the first place, his anger for not being able to fix it, plus anger at the water now coming out of it... and it's all your fault because there's no-one else he can blame.

It's not your fault, OP. His reaction is completely and utterly unfair. He's making himself feel better at your expense. And he won't apologise because that would mean he'd directed all that anger at you for no good reason and that would make him a horrible person.

He has an anger problem. When all this is resolved, he needs to speak to someone about finding a way to deal with his rage that doesn't make you (or possibly the kids in future?) the target of it.

@Noidea23

It sounds like he’s humiliated and angry at himself for not being able to fix the boiler and possibly making it worse, so is now projecting all his shame onto you so that he doesn’t feel any responsibility - very manipulative, abusive and vile! He needs an anger management course at the very least...

This is exactly how my dad and stepdad act (or used to). And my mum accepted it. And fucking APOLOGISED!

For example, stepdad once dropped a tin of paint by balancing it on a post outside. He went mad, shouting about how it was mum's fault because he had to rush because she would be bringing the ponies through.
I stood there wondering what planet he was on. Mum was on the opposite side of the farm and that entrance was used to access the garden and car park. Why would mum take a long route through the garden to get to a field? But that's what abusive men do. They can't stand to feel embarrassed or wrong so they project and verbally slap their wives and children (especially daughters) for it, making up any reason at all that it's their fault, not his. Mum heard the ranting and came to apologise to him. For nothing. And when I challenged it, she turned and snarled at me and got mad because I wouldn't take blame and placate him too. Mum used to seek out men like these and the only reason DSIS and I don't have abusive partners is pure luck. It's just luck that we swing the other way and instead of growing into placating, traumatised women, we took mum's way of living as a warning. A lesson not to be like that.

We are exceptions. It's not the case for children like OP's who may grow up to continue the pattern. Do you want that OP? Your man may be lovely some of the time but that doesn't make up for the rest of the time when he isn't.

He acted as though I took a hammer to it in a rage or something

You might as well have done that if you messed around with it, with no clue.

To give you some context of 'normal'.

If I'd done this, DH, who is very patient and calm would have said "oh shit, don't worry, we need to call and engineer in the morning, should we turn the gas off?".

If DH had done what you did, I (and I am less patient and have a shorter fuse) would have said "bloody hell, why did you do that? Okay, how do we make it safe for now?" and I'd have apologised to him later for blaming him in the heat of the moment.

This is what I consider to be normal for a calm person (DH) and normal for a more highly strung person (me).

The boiler was already broken. Everyone tinkers around. You did nothing wrong.

Treating you that way is horrible and you deserve so much more.

Book: "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Your extremely unreasonable husband will be in there. 💐

OP - I wonder if you realise how much you sound like a child in relation to your husband?

The way you tell the story it's literally as if he's your parent or some other authority figure. He basically tells you what to do ("don't touch the boiler"), you go ahead and do it (perfectly reasonable!), and then you get a telling off. And now you're repeatedly describing you looking at the boiler as you "messing" with it. It's not "messing" when adult human beings attempt to solve a problem!

There is absolutely no way you turning a valve will have wrecked an entire boiler, it's a total nonsense. I hope you are able to see that despite the awful aggression from your husband?

He sounds like an absolutely terrifying, out of control person. The behaviours he exhibits will already have undermined your children's sense of security and wellbeing. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can make change happen.

How are things this morning, @loopyloz88 ?

My Mum was mortified when he repeated it to her, as was I. I've told him so many times, not in front of DC

Why were you both "mortified" when the shame is entirely with DH?

If I had done what you had done, my DH would probably make a snarky comment along the lines of "you could have just left it alone like I'd asked". And I probably would have said, in a clipped tone "well I'm bloody sorry, I was only trying to help". Then the conversation would have moved on to practical stuff about how to fix the issue.

Then a professional would have been called in, and we either would have both apologised to each other for being snarky, or we would have never mentioned it again and moved on.

Your DH's behaviour is not normal at all. Please take a step back and try and look at this with fresh eyes. The way he is speaking to you isn't ok. You deserve better.

I honestly think she has a form of PTSD.

You have this insight on your mum but are not seeing that you are headed the same way.

These posts always have the inevitable hes lovely most of the time because he cooks a dinner and works? as do we all!
Listen to your mum, it’s horrible growing up in a house like this, with a raging parent belittling the other one, this escalates it doesn’t improve.

Morning everyone, sorry I’ve only just had chance to have a quick look through all the posts. I’ll get my laptop later and have a read through then all.
I spent the night on the sofa and went to bed for an hour at 7am when he got up.
He went made me a cup of tea, went out and bought me a McDonald’s breakfast. He is now saying he told me not to touch the boiler and I still did, that he speaks to me like he does because of how I’ve spoken to him(?) don’t get me wrong in the past I’ve said some vile things in the heat of the moment.. but I’m not entirely sure why it’s relevant to yesterday. I’ve haven’t once had a sorry, just him trying to justify that it was acceptable why he spoke to me like he did and almost turning it round to make me feel like I’m the abusive one and I’ve made him react in this way. I’m not painting myself as an angel don’t get me wrong I can have a sharp tongue, but I’ve learnt to react less and less to him as when I do react he then uses whatever I say against me as a way to make me feel like how he spoke to me was deserved. As time goes on I feel like he is react more extremely to things that warrant it less and less. Last night was a perfect example. I’m exhausted and drained today.
I messaged the guy who fitted the boiler as we have a lot of mutual friends anyway (DH told me not to as he would deal with getting someone in)
He told me what I need to do step by step and lo and behold, the boiler is fixed and working perfect. DH had moved a valve of some kind that needed opening. I’ve not had a thank you for this either or I sorry for saying I’d destroyed the boiler. My best mate is coming to my mums today so we’re going to have an afternoon together as I need it.

This thread is just awful. Two women living with extremely abusive men and children thinking that’s just the way it is. Utterly heartbreaking. What future will they have?

@Feelingconfused2020 you need to find some hep from somewhere soon. You do not deserve this. You need to expect better for yourself.

please stop thinkIng that if theyre not abusive all the time that means they're not abusive. no abusive person should ever be describe as a lovely father / man / usually generous / pulls his weight or any such BASIC BEHAVIOUR IN NOTMAL HUMAN BEINGS when the next sentence is but for one week / two weeks in every four Etc he is abusive. That’s madness.

How did You react when he yet again blamed you and did not apologise?

he speaks to me like he does because of how I’ve spoken to him(?)

This is a classic abuse tactic, blaming you and saying you made him do it.

You are reacting less and less and he is reacting more and more. It’s escalating OP but like a frog in gradually heating water you’re not seeing it.

'You made me do it' - a classic abuser line.

@ArnieLinson I just said I’m aware I’ve said things in the past that I shouldn’t I’m not denying that fact. But you know it’s the shouting and how you react that is out of order and last night wasn’t acceptable. He just continued to say I told you several times not to touch it but you did and now you’ve completely fucked it up and it’s going to cost us loads etc.. it’s like talking to a brick wall, we just go round in circles. I took it into my own hands to message the guy who fitted it as I say, went and fixed it and not had either a sorry nor a thank you. x

He’s bringing things up that I don’t even remember saying or what he’s talking about, hand on heart. And when I say I don’t even remember that I get “that’s convenient.. I bet the random strangers on mumsnet wouldn’t agree with you if they knew what you’re really like..”

So he broke the boiler and you have now fixed it!!!
Don’t be afraid to speak up, be frank with him and make it clear you will not be name called and shouted at and if he wants to be in this relationship he needs to get help with his temper and his misogyny.

So let me get this right.

Your DH did break the boiler after all with his repairs because he closed a valve he Wasn’t supposed to close.
But somehow this is still YOUR fault for having touched the boiler, not obeying him or talking to him the wrong way??

This is textbook abusive.

Please get some. Counselling for yourself. You need it.
(And kick him out - but i suspect you will need the counselling first to be able to make that move)

bet the random strangers on mumsnet wouldn’t agree with you if they knew what you’re really like..”

It doesn't matter what you are "really like" although I'm betting you're an extremely tolerant person as we know what he's like and he's shite.

You do realise that all the instances he is bringing about you ‘being vile’ are more likely times when you tried to assert yourself and he didn’t like it?

Just like you’ve just proven to him that
1- HE broke the boiler and had no clue about what he was doing
2- YOU repaired the boiler and had the very adult reaction to reach out to the right person, ask for help and ... solve the issue
3- his position is so weak that he has to INVENT things to support his pov.

Op, google reactive abuse.

I certainly recognise myself in this, and I used to react this way to H. I stopped as it was just too hard to go to battle with him but it was like he became more determined to push me further each time to get the reaction he wanted! When it worked, he would call ME psycho, mental and said I needed to see a dr!

Now I have stopped, he has started goading our girls! Hopefully I will be out soon, and we won't have to live it anymore.

Oh and I’m sure he hates you being on MN.
Having people giving you a much truer image of what is going on isnt going to be on the top of his list.