To put up with being spoken to like this..

[loopyloz88]

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

The shouting and swearing isn't nice, but just the way some people deal with things.

Yes, it is. Those people have anger issues and can be very abusive. It doesn't make it OK.

He is abusive. The thing is your mum can read the signals being brought up with it.
Children of abusive parents learn early on the signs. It a survival mechanism.
You are minimising you mums reaction blaming ptsd so you can pretend to yourself your husband isn’t abusive. Make no mistake he is.

He is abusing you and your children. Your child has been damaged already as he has this memory of you being abused in front of him. It won’t be his last memory of abuse if you stay with him.
Your child will either grow up hating his dad or he will be like his dad because this is the role model you are displaying to him.
Abusive men aren’t abusive all the time that’s how they get away with it.
Please tell your parents everything and ask for help in leaving to protect your children.

New boilers generally have a 5-7 year warranty.

As neither of you know what you’re doing, you ring the company helpline, someone talks you through some basic checks and then they send an engineer out.

What you do about the shouting and screaming is up to you.

I'm so sorry your husband is abusing you and your children. Please listen to your mum. You and your kids deserve better.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's shit isn't it. In every other way he's lovely, he's generous, apart from shouting at me in front of them which I hate he's good with DC, he does no housework at all but he does cook, he works hard

Stop making excuses for him, he's not lovely , he's an abusive manipulative arsehole.

but then he just has this temper. It's like he see's red and there is no.. reasoning?

And this us the crux of it stop going on and on about the boiler and look at the real problem...why you are exposing your chdren to growing up in this type of environment.

Yes both DC heard, it woke them up and they started shouting for me

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you are setting your children up to a likelihood of life long emotional difficulties by staying in this relationship. Your poor children, they don't have a choice.

There is a reason your mum reacts the way she does to your dh shouting. This is not normal, it is abusive and damaging to the dc. You potentially made a mistake, it happens to us all, it is no excuse or justification for shouting and name calling. Please don’t put up with this.

Dear Friend , this is verbal abuse and it’s more than once . You’ve started to see that by talking to us . How he reacts is not your fault or any thing to be ashamed of. Please start planning, If you can find someone in real life to talk to, please do, it will help you process you’re thoughts. Boundaries need to be set which may save this relationship .”. He does tend to overreact like this” suggests the sooner you tell him that next time he does this you are having a 2 week break with D.C. at your planned bolthole( Mums , friends, ) the better. At this stage , you could just be suggesting a break from his outbursts not necessarily a separation , though you both know that’s where it ll go if he doesn’t learn to manage his temper . It will only get worse and then you’re kids may behave like this too now and in future relationships . Book “ Love must be tough” by Dobson , May be interesting. Hugs .

I was married at 20, and so my Dad had no hold on me from then, and dh wasn't scared of him ever. But, until Dad died 15 years later, every time he phoned, I froze. I would feel this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

When he died, I felt like an enormous weight had lifted from my shoulders, and I could be the person I really was, as opposed to the version of me he thought I should be.

Looking back now, I can understand why he was as he was, and it went back to his boyhood, but at the time it didn't help.

I would not stay married to a man who spoke to me like that.

Re the boiler, he messed with it, he stopped all water flow, you tried to rectify his mess and the pressure increased too much, or possibly the water that he had prevented flowing was then under so much pressure that it exploded out ?

So hopefully you are going to leave the abusive nasty bastard?

DH messed around with the boiler and left you without any running water but this is ok because Man. You messed around with the boiler and you get a torrent of abuse because Woman.

Any cost to fix could as well be his fiddling as yours.

He is a grown man, its time he got his temper tantrums under control or went to get the help needed to manage his tantrums. In the mean time the whole family lives on eggshells pending the next outburst necessitating an escape to grandma's.

Out of interest, has the frequency of these outbursts changed over the years?

@loopyloz88

The thing is where does shouting turn to abuse, when it involves name calling? As I said I knew he was well in his rights to be pissed off and maybe shout ''For fucks sake Laura, what have you done'' but it was the continued shouting and the being called thick and a stupid bitch etc that I just think it was maybe uncalled for.

I think counselling isn't. good idea if you are thinking of couple counselling. What you need is counselling for yourself.
Seriously,

• You did NOT deserve to be talked like this, nor was it your fault in any shape or form. You tried to solve the issue JUST LIKE HE DID. He didn't solve the issue (a house with heating on but no water is NOT solving the problem. he isn't a plumber either!!). It didn't work, just like his solution didn't work either.

• He had no more rights to be pissd off then you had to be pissed off at hm when he ;eft you with no water at all. Would he have appreciated you starting to have a go at him because there was no water and clearly he should never have touched it because he as no idea of what he is doing? I doubt it. But that's exactely what he did to you.

(And before anyone comment, no one solution isn't worse than the other. For all we know, its the 'repair' the dh did that might have caused the damage in the boiler in the first place! Having no hot water at all running IS dodgy)

• There is no situation EVER where its OK to call someone, anyone, let alone your partner, a bitch etc....

I think you need to listen to your mum. She KNOWS what abuse looks like and she can see it in him. I'd listen to her voice of experience.

The boiler is a red herring in all of this. You are not stupid. It's doesn't matter that you tried to get the water working and your husband is an awful, aggressive abuser. Your neighbours can see it, we can see it, why can't you?

Your posts are full of 'know I shouldn't have done this, that or the other..' If this had happened in my house growing up, my dad would have made sure my mum wasn't hurt, that the plumber was on his way and then we'd all have laughed about it. Because that's normal.

You need to take your kids, go to your mums and tell her what's going on. It sounds like she already knows he's awful and wants you to split. Listen to her!

When i had an outside tap taken out and the water was turned off.Once it was back on we had hot water spluttering for a day or two from the shower and taps. It cld just be adjusting as you messed with it.

Oh @loopyloz88 you sound so worn down. Your DH is an abuser. His behaviour is not reasonable or justifiable. This is no way to live. This is no way for your D.C. to live. I’m sorry.

Please find a way to make him seek help or this will escalate. He will damage your children. You will become even more of a shadow. You will live your life walking on egg shells waiting for the next outburst.

Take the time at your Mum’s. Maybe write to him (or long text) explaining why he needs to change. He definitely needs some form of anger management training/therapy. If he agrees to do this, great. See how it goes.

Alternatively LTB because if he won’t change, this is your life. Forever. And your D.C. Looking ahead. Your D.C. will leave home and not come back. I know because I was that DC. I hated my parents (both of them) for letting me live like that. Wake up! Please!

Incidentally, he chose to mess with the new under warranty boiler. And he did it first. If you are an idiot, then so is he.

Honestly OP I think he sounds like a total loser and I’d cut my losses in your shoes. But if you want to try again, you need to ditch all your misplaced sense of guilt that it’s you. It’s not you, it’s all him. And he needs to man up and get professional help because his behaviour is abnormal.

I also agree with @C8H10N4O2.
There is also a big element of sexism in there.
HE is repairing the bloiler and you have to believe instantly that he knows what he is doing. Maybe because being a man means he is automatically a plumber, who knows.
You are repairing the bliler and automatically, ypu don't know what you are doing, its all your fault etc.. because clearly, being a woman means you know nothing about mechanic. Unlike him... juts because he is a man.

I still think this is just a small part of what is going on though. He is abusive, close to being physically abusive too (see the make up 'incident' and damaging your property).
You are walking on eggshell.
And you are already convinced that if something is going wrong its automatically your fault (see how unsure you are that maybe it can be ok for someone to shout at you and throw insults at you beause ... you somehow brought it on yourself).

I'd stay utterly calm. Ask your mum to take the kids as you need to talk to him. Id tell him he either gets help for his temper or he leaves the house. Your not putting up with it or having your kids grow up to think it's acceptable to smash things and shout abuse at their partner. Then give him.some time to think about it.

Don't blame your Mum's reaction on PTSD. Please contact Women's Aid, research abuse and get yourself and your kids away from this awful man.

I thought there was a by-pass valve on a CombiBoiler so if it does fail you still get cold water ?. Anyway, always read the manunal and docs that came with it first. Youtube may help but I wouldn't start twiddling knobs blindly on a water heater, that does sound a tad dodgy. As for being yelled at, have an assertive word and point out he needs to wind his neck in but I know plenty of women who resort to basic Anglo-Saxon and nobody calls that abuse.

manual

If you stay your children will either end up like him, or marrying someone like him. Thing long and hard, OP. This is no way to spend your one and only life. He is a bully.

He screams abuse at you. And smashes your things to intimidate you. It's an abusive relationship and you should take steps to leave.

Well, he isn't nice he is abusive. You didn't break the boiler, it was already broken. Who did what to the boiler is utterly irrelevant.

He is so fucking awful op, even your own Mum wants you to leave.

All I will say is that he will never change. People never do. You have to accept that nothing you say or do will stop him yelling at you and breaking your stuff and terrifying your kids.

You need to consider if you want your adult life and the rest of your kids lives to be dominated and spoiled by this man.

[quote loopyloz88]@Feelingconfused2020 Oh my, that's really sad. How old is she? I know just after christmas DH threw my make up bag in a temper and it hit a wall and smashed it all, out of shock I just started crying. DS1 was in the room (he's 3) and it took weeks for him to stop repeating ''Daddy smashed mummy's make up, made mummy cry'' My Mum was mortified when he repeated it to her, as was I. I've told him so many times, not in front of DC.[/quote]
So ok... you think he was right to be mad... yet he called you thick, a stupid bitch and told you to fuck off. That is abusive and you did NOT deserve that!

Ignoring you is also abusive... and why sleep on the sofa? He can't keep you from your bed.

Why "in front of DC" ... why not "stop abusing me"

Op, this is NO way for any of you to live! He is abusive, and your kids are witness to it, and it is hurting them! Next time, when your son tells his teacher.. what then? Can you protect them from dad's temper as they get older & more independent?

He really isn't "fine" most of the time.. "fine most of the time" means he isn't abusing you all the time...

"I know she already thinks I should leave." She's right. She has been there. Your mum does have PTSD... and so will you at her age and/or your kids.

Is "he's fine mist of the time" worth that?

Couples counselling does not have to be expensive, and would be worth every penny to stop your 3 year old witnessing a parent shout, swear and smash things

You don't need counselling, he needs anger management, and anyway, joint counselling isn't helpful when abuse is involved.

The thing is where does shouting turn to abuse, when it involves name calling? Shouting at someone IS abuse, as is name calling. As is gaslighting (making you believe this is your fault)

64 signs of emotional abuse

How many can you "tick" off?