... to ask my sister to stop seeing our parents?

[PluralPatty]

I’m ready to get flamed for this but I genuinely don’t know what to do. Namechanged as my other posts are too outing.

DSis is in her fifties, good health, works full time in a school, goes to the gym and eats and drinks out regularly. Visits the supermarket daily, salons, takes public transport for leisure purposes, has travelled about the country and generally carries on as pre-Covid, says she’s not really at risk, which is true. Her DH same and she has 4 DCs of varying ages between 15 and 24 who, as most younger people, are also doing stuff socially as well as being at work/school. All good, no problem with this at all.

However, she goes round to our parents’ place several times a week, maybe more. They’re both in their 80s, dad is frail after a series of strokes but considering everything, they do ok. DSis takes them groceries and other things, sometimes takes them out to cafes or the cinema etc, the usual stuff, only we’re not in usual times, are we?

My problem here is that I think she is unnecessarily exposing our parents to Covid and I think she should stop seeing them, or at least cut down a lot. There are 4 of us siblings and one lives abroad and has not been able to visit since Covid but of those who live locally, we all pull our weight equally with the parents. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home and have decided not to return to the gym and haven’t been socialsing really, DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, yet DSis cannot seem to see this and clearly cannot see the risk to our parents here.

Cases are growing round here and I am seriously worried about DSis passing on Covid to my frail parents. AIBU?

My sister is not breaching and current guidelines and I have never claimed that. I have zero problem with her living her life almost as normal if it only affected her and her own household, but it doesn’t. That she is going out of her way to include our parents in her “EVERYTHING IS NORMAL, LOOK AT ME DOING NORMAL THINGS” narrative is not really fair.

Tell me what the point of lockdown is or was ever if not to protect the vulnerable because according to half of the replies here, they’re not worth saving.

The point of lockdown was to ensure the entire population didn’t all get infected at once to spread demand on the NHS. If your sister isn’t breaching current guidelines, I really don’t understand your beef - or your fuming brother’s.

Tell me what the point of lockdown is or was ever if not to protect the vulnerable because according to half of the replies here, they’re not worth saving.

Oh give over OP! Your parents lives are what they want to be! Stop being so ageist and assuming they're too old to understand!

I agree with you. Your sister is being irresponsible and exposing your parents to unnecessary risk. She could cut back on the socialising at least to at least reduce the chance of possible exposure. Maybe talk to her explaining your worries. I don't think you can't do much more than that. YANBU

I’m reading the thread OP and I really feel for you.
I too have very elderly and vulnerable grandparents and other members of my family are also going and doing several things I don’t feel comfortable doing at the moment, and then going to visit them or having them for dinner etc.
It’s hard because we can’t risk assess for other people and tell them not to do the things they want to do whilst still being with our vulnerable loved ones, and it’s harder still to try and have the conversation with them to outline how anxious it makes us to see them make the risk bigger for our vulnerable loved ones.
It’s not about controlling the lives of our family, either our elderly/vulnerable relatives or anyone else. But I think, and this is why I sympathise with you, when we expect others to follow the same ideology as us in terms of keeping them as safe as possible, we’re always going to come unstuck as they’re not breaking any rules - it’s just a hard pill to swallow when you’re being super careful.
Best wishes, OP. Hope you and your family can stay safe

I agree with everything you've said op.

It's not just her own life she's playing with fire with. She's putting your parents at risk in her need for life to be back to normal.

I think you/db, your parents and dsis should have a frank conversation where you state all your concerns. You could even zoom with your sis abroad. Then I guess it's up to your parents.

Hmmm? I just read your comment that you don't want your parents to die prematurely..... You do realise they are in their 80s? They have already lived past the average life expectancy. In fact... Living to their 80s is pretty high. Let them enjoy their time.
My gran is 90. She has 2 sons, 2 daughters visit her all the time, plus their other half's.... 9 grandchildren and regulalary sees 4 of her great grandchildren. She's also got carars every morning afternoon and night coming and going and we have all got jobs and yet she's still here, still covid free. She would rather see us than be on her on for 6 months and die.

Speaking as someone who didn't get to see her mum before she died because of covid (not of covid) I would say allow your parents the choice. There are many people stuck in hospital and care homes without the choice to see loved ones.
I do understand your concern but we really have no idea when this nightmare is going to end and when maybe too late.... 💐

I totally understand your concern but your parents are elderly not inept. This is THEIR decision not yours.

You could speak to them to see how they really feel about all this but if they are adamant they want to keep the status quo then you will need to respect that.

If they are actually thinking the same as you then you can step in.

@Lisa82sim

Hmmm? I just read your comment that you don't want your parents to die prematurely..... You do realise they are in their 80s? They have already lived past the average life expectancy. In fact... Living to their 80s is pretty high. Let them enjoy their time. My gran is 90. She has 2 sons, 2 daughters visit her all the time, plus their other half's.... 9 grandchildren and regulalary sees 4 of her great grandchildren. She's also got carars every morning afternoon and night coming and going and we have all got jobs and yet she's still here, still covid free. She would rather see us than be on her on for 6 months and die.

I think I’ve addressed the “prematurely” comments several times now. I am aware of my parents’s age and health of my dad and I well understand that anyone could die of any reason tomorrow. I am also fully aware of how lucky I am to have had my parents for so long. By “prematurely” I meant dying when they wouldn’t have without Covid. That was all.

YANBU. Your sister should really cut down her own exposure to risk if she wants to reduce the risk of passing it to your parents.

If your dad died of a stroke tomorrow, your sister would be really glad that she’d seen them so much.

I've already commented that I mainly disagree with the OP but I completely agree with her comment about avoiding a premature death regarding contracting Covid. My mother is an active, vibrant and very sociable 90. Covid is preventable with care and precautions, which she is taking. If she dies of Covid I would most definitely consider it a premature death.

[quote DuckbilledSplatterPuff]@bettsbattenburg. I agree there is no way of knowing when any of us are going to go and I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad that must have been a shock.
The OP didn't say they had a terminal condition, she said despite the Dad's health problems they were doing OK. My GM lived to 102 and was still fit as a fiddle in her 90s, as are our other elderly relatives in their late 80s. Family takes it in turns to visit them, carefully. They still see people and go out taking precautions.[/quote]
It was. He was out and about and enjoying himself then went home, sepsis set in, we were asked about amputation, then he was in a coma and dead before we knew it.

OP it's your parents decision ultimately, but I do understand your anxieties. My dad is in his 80's and in the twilight of his years. while I personally would love for him to shield for the next 6 months it would be unreasonable of me to ask or expect him to nor would I want him to really. Those shielding months were tough on him and I completely understand why he won't do it again.

Haven't read the thread, sorry.

If your sister isn't being honest with your parents, they're not able to make an informed decision.

I don't think YABU, I think your sister is. If she wants to carry on seeing your parents, why isn't she minimising her own exposure? Cutting down on the salon visits and the eating out? Does she wear a mask and socially distance?

@bettsbattenburg
I'm very sorry about your dad.

YABU

I feel completely differently to most people!

I absolutely think you and your DB should feel free to ask your sis to either limit social contact and use of public transport OR to reduce her contact with your parents.

Also lots of posters have said that life is quality over quantity at 80 but I wonder if they've considered:

1. Covid might not be fatal for them but might make them very ill and infirm/disabled for the rest of their lives or one of them may lose the other prematurely and then struggle to keep going.

1. They might well have 10 or even 20 years of life ahead of them.

1. They are not making a full informed decision to accept quality-over-quantity-of-life IF they don't know that your sister isn't being careful.

YANBU I am at severe risk from Covid, I have severe brittle asthma & unlike most I know how terrifying it is to be unable to breathe. A death from Covid is not a death I'd want! A gentle chat with your parents and your sis isn't out of order at all; she might not realise that she is risking their health, conversely they may feel they'd sooner take that risk. You won't know unless you talk about it.

@Lovely1a2b3c to be fair 10 or 20 years. Is optimistic, and many other debilitating illnesses or conditions are likely. Life is too short not to enjoy it while one can

YABU.
My MIL is 90 and lives 40 mins from me. I go to her twice a week, take her shopping and for a coffee, or to the hairdressers and lunch. My DH and the 2 sons who live near her also visit and take her out to lunch. We are sensible, we shower before we go to see her, we wash our hands, and don’t do lots of hugging. She would honestly rather die than lose this contact, and we all respect that. Whatever the new rules are if we have to isolate from other ppl we will but none of us will isolate from her.

@DeliciouslyFemale

The ageism in this thread is depressing and reads very much like the “only the vulnerable” excuses used for risking other’s health. One of my very best friends is 90 and although her life has been severely restricted by the pandemic, she still tries to make the most of her time, without risking her health. Her adult sons are doing everything in their power to protect her and she has a very tiny group of friends that she has visit, but again they do it in a very safe way. Outside or in the conservatory with all the windows open and well distanced. She wants to continue living and talking to her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren on FaceTime. She wants to continue sending them little gifts and hearing all about their achievements and how they’re filling their days. She’s not ready to die. Any death by Covid is a death too early.

It’s easy to say how you’re going to feel and think when you’re 80, when you’re nowhere near that age.

Well I'm nearly 70 and I think it's my decision to make and up to me to make sure I and my family and friends are sensible and take the necessary precautions while I still live my life.

They might well have 10 or even 20 years of life ahead of them

They might indeed but the chances are very high that the quality of those years will be pretty poor. There are a lot of very old people who go to sleep hoping not to wake up again.