Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

[Suneggs]

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

Put it another way, I wouldn't translate a post about anything awareness week as a sign of distress, I have to confess I dismiss them as random crap, even if I like/care to be polite.

On the other hand, if anyone either tell me or post how hard they are struggling with this or that, I would try to be as considerate as possible.

But expecting people to hide all pregnancy events is unreasonable, and again, how many threads were posters are offended or upset because they were kept away.

@Neuronurse

I have had loses but they are my losses. These were shit. I have had 3 healthy pregnancies and babies as well. This was exciting. We can't all collectively grieve everyone's losses. They are sad on a micro level, but you can't compete someone's sad news against someone's happy news. Both equally as important.

This

We can't all collectively grieve everyone's losses

No one is asking anyone to.

In the same way sometimes not everyone is able to collectively celebrate everyone's happy news.

It's how you go about this that matters.

Surely if you were person B you would think for just a minute about whether or not this would hurt A? To send them a direct message with a scan picture the day they'd shared a post about their pregnancy loss. Surely most people would think about whether or not that was appropriate first, if you were B? I am so surprised and frankly saddened that so many people honestly wouldn't even consider how their friend might feel in that situation.

We can't all collectively grieve everyone's losses. They are sad on a micro level, but you can't compete someone's sad news against someone's happy news. Both equally as important.

They didn’t need to compete. B wanted to share a scan picture. A didn’t want to receive one. B sends picture to people who will want to see it. Easy.

My mistake - sorry.

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage? That seems unfair if it's a family group.

@Suneggs

Even if I absolutely hated A, I would still never dream of sending a scan photo to her when I knew that day she was grieving. How upsetting that some people on here would see that as ok to send to her.

I think a lot of people are just going by the OP and missed where you said that B had the scan a few days before and that it’s sounds like a family group chat rather than just you guys. In the OP it sounds like B just came out of a scan and sent it.

I think everyone should understand that no harm was meant but A has a right to feel upset. That doesn’t mean she’s upset at B but upset with the visualisation of what she lost, the grief for her baby.

And of all the years, this year has felt very ground hog day so something that happen 8 months ago feels a lot closer than if a lot had changed in the world. Equally, there’s no time limit of grief but A should know no harm was meant.

It will settle. I don’t think PIL should take sides.

@ZezetteEpouseX

Put it another way, I wouldn't translate a post about anything awareness week as a sign of distress, I have to confess I dismiss them as random crap, even if I like/care to be polite.

On the other hand, if anyone either tell me or post how hard they are struggling with this or that, I would try to be as considerate as possible.

But expecting people to hide all pregnancy events is unreasonable, and again, how many threads were posters are offended or upset because they were kept away.

Friend B commented on it saying she was thinking about A. So she quite clearly knew it was an issue for her and not just some 'random crap'.

I'll ask again, if your friend posted about losing her mum earlier in the year, or even just shared a generic post about losing a mother and you knew it was an issue and therefore commented on said post saying you were thinking about her, would you then later that same day, send her a gushing message about your own mum?

@roarfeckingroarr

My mistake - sorry.

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage? That seems unfair if it's a family group.

No. Just don't send them directly to a person who's just shared about their own baby loss.

There were 3 people on the group. Just send it to the one who isn't grieving. It's not hard.

@roarfeckingroarr the group is 3 SILs not blood related. No one else in the family is in that WhatsApp group. Just A, B and OP.

I’m guessing A was upset and told her husband and that’s how it has become a family thing.

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage? That seems unfair if it's a family group.

I wouldn’t because I know how awful it can be to see them. Especially if it’s a WhatsApp group so whoever sent it knows you’ve read the post and you’re then under pressure to respond.

genuine question, where does it stop.
You know that anything can be a trigger for someone else, do you genuinely believe we need to stop posting or sending anything that could upset someone?

Again, a scan on the same day someone announced their miscarriage, it's grossly insensitive.

Months later? I don't see it - now that A has express her upset, obviously no more info should be sent about it, that would be cruel and stupid. I am sorry but forwarding a post about awareness week on FB is not really a sign of grieving.

@PurpleDaisies

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage? That seems unfair if it's a family group.

I wouldn’t because I know how awful it can be to see them. Especially if it’s a WhatsApp group so whoever sent it knows you’ve read the post and you’re then under pressure to respond.

and I can tell you from experience that others will be very upset to be left out... I would be one, but I know I am not alone, who would have been very sad if I had been kept away from family or friends news, photos of scans , invit' to baby showers etc..

It's not as simple as posters pretend it is.

If someone tells you they are struggling, OF COURSE you acknowledge it, but that's not the point here.

You know that anything can be a trigger for someone else, do you genuinely believe we need to stop posting or sending anything that could upset someone?

Yeah if someone posted on Facebook though about a specific thing and I knew it was a trigger for them and had commented to say I was thinking about them, I wouldn't then send them a message with said trigger the same fucking day.

You can't feign ignorance in that situation I'm afraid. You've seen the post, acknowledged the person's pain by commenting saying you were thinking about them and then send them a message about the very thing they posted about? Of course that's insensitive.

It's very different to just not knowing something is a trigger for someone and therefore not realising.

I am sorry but forwarding a post about awareness week on FB is not really a sign of grieving

The fact B commented to say she was thinking about her proves she knows it's an issue for A and that she's probably grieving. Otherwise why else would you be 'thinking of' someone?

Person A is U.
No doubt person B is over the moon to be pregnant and wants to share. Which imo she can do. At any time. And it must suck for person B. I get that but person B can not expect person A to not share due to her personal loss experience(s).

Maybe the timing was a tat off. But then again .... it probably would have felt the same for person B regardless of the photo being send the same day or if the photo had sent a week later.
Think about it the other way. Person B might have wanted to post the pic an then saw your post.and she was being considered by liking it. Because she could have also just ignored your post.

and I can tell you from experience that others will be very upset to be left out... I would be one, but I know I am not alone, who would have been very sad if I had been kept away from family or friends news, photos of scans , invit' to baby showers etc.

I am not saying I would leave that one person out. I would not send them to anyone.

@thetangleteaser how awful for you having to read about other people experiencing the loss of their child and wanting to share their deceased child’s story

and I can tell you from experience that others will be very upset to be left out... I would be one, but I know I am not alone, who would have been very sad if I had been kept away from family or friends news, photos of scans , invit' to baby showers etc.

If I were B, I'd have messaged A separately to see how she felt (on a different day). If A then says she doesn't mind then fine.

I'd much rather be able to say I'd done it that way because I didn't want to upset someone then just assume they would be fine with it and do it anyway without knowing. At least that way shows you're actually thinking about the person.

@ZezetteEpouseX I think issue here is that it was basically a message just to A and OP rather than a general out to everyone thing plus the scan was a few days earlier so it wasn’t caught up in the moment type thing. But I strongly suspect that B sent it as a sign of hope in the family and just misjudged it. I think people deal with miscarriages and still births differently (just like with anything) and for some it is a deep loss, whilst others move on. I think I would have been the latter just as throughout most of my pregnancy, I couldn’t picture a baby in my tummy. It just didn’t connect. And when DD arrived it’s took me a few weeks to connect because I didn’t know her. But I have friends that would cradle and talk lovingly to their tummies, deeply connected. I just wasn’t like that.

Person B is clearly unreasonable. No one is interested in baby scans anyway - she could have sent it to her parents separately as they are really the only ones who might have any interest at all. It's not like it was a pregnancy announcement it's just a baby scan - they all look the same!

She was probably a bit insensitive to move straight on from liking a baby loss post to posting a scan, but I’m guessing you mean a generic “it’s baby loss awareness week” type thing rather than the friend announcing a loss. It’s not really the same thing.

I had a miscarriage earlier this year, the same day a friend from uni announced her pregnancy. She had no idea I was pregnant or was having a miscarriage but I can’t say I was too bothered by her happy news, just very happy to hear she was expecting. I think once you reach 30 there’s going to be at least one person pregnant at any one time in your circle of friends. If your friend doesn’t want pregnancy chat she needs to bow out the group with the pregnant friend. It’s sad having a miscarriage but it doesn’t mean people should feel they have to hide pregnancy, you can bet once the friend who had the loss is pregnant she’ll be posting 20 private scans and lapping up the attention in the same way.

I think it's a complicated one. I don't think anyone is necessarily unreasonable.

(My own background is that I had 3 consecutive early losses and I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant after IVF. Baby loss week freaks the bejesus out of me, but I don't think that means nobody should share. And I feel selfish for being scared.

In infertility communities, loads of women carry shame around being left out of pregnancy news. Others avoid pregnancy news at all costs. It can be genuinely hard to gauge how much to share.

It might have been thoughtless on B's part. Maybe she was trying to signal that she was struggling with baby loss awareness week. Maybe she's really self-centred. I don't know.

From A's perspective, I could understand finding seeing a scan really hard. I'd also wonder if delaying sending the scan would have made much difference.

Honest answer is I don't know, but I feel for everyone here.

I’m guessing you mean a generic “it’s baby loss awareness week” type thing rather than the friend announcing a loss. It’s not really the same thing

I don't think it's possible for B to feign ignorance in this respect when she's acknowledged it's a problem for A by commenting on the post to say she was thinking about her. That proves that B knows it isn't just some generic post that A has shared but that it's something A has actually experienced and has struggled with otherwise why would B need to comment to say she was thinking of her?

I'd only comment that on someone's post if I knew the person had experienced whatever it was and was / had struggled.

you can bet once the friend who had the loss is pregnant she’ll be posting 20 private scans and lapping up the attention in the same way

And you can't possibly know this. I'd think it's just as likely to make her even more aware of what other people might be going through and not do this.

Dinosaur wow such a bitchy comment.

@ZezetteEpouseX

It just stops at basic common sense. If you're so stupid you can't tell what is going to upset people and what isn't then maybe get someone less socially clueless to help you. If someone has just shared something about baby loss don't send them your scan picture. Really not hard to understand. It's not like you can never talk about your pregnancy or baby just have a bit of tact.

Especially since there are only 3 people in the group chat and probably none of them really care about the scan pic anyway just don't share it in that group chat, there are still plenty of people you can send it to who will pretend the fuzzy black and white image is really cute.