Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

[Suneggs]

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

@Thisismyfightsong you’ve twisted what I’ve said so massively, I never ever said that a bereaved parent should never mention their child. What I have said multiple times is that when all you see on social media for a solid week is about dead babies it was best for me to log off. I never ever said people shouldn’t post it, I said for me personally I couldn’t handle to it, I never started messaging people not to share their stories, I simply chose not to look at them.

Fair enough suneggs. I personally don't see the need for him to get involved and effectively police what his sister posts.

I've never said PIL should side with B? I've said that B should be asked not to talk about the pregnancy in front of A or on the group chat. If you want to extend it so she can't talk about it in front of PIL as well then that's taking it a bit far.

@missbipolar I apologise, got usernames muddled up. Yea I agree that it’s probably best for pregnancy chat to be kept off the group chat.

@AltheaThoon A’s husband getting involved probably has escalated things. But he was upset to see his wife so upset.

[quote thetangleteaser]@Thisismyfightsong you’ve twisted what I’ve said so massively, I never ever said that a bereaved parent should never mention their child. What I have said multiple times is that when all you see on social media for a solid week is about dead babies it was best for me to log off. I never ever said people shouldn’t post it, I said for me personally I couldn’t handle to it, I never started messaging people not to share their stories, I simply chose not to look at them.[/quote]
It's easy to log off Facebook for a while. Not so easy to avoid when you're being sent a direct message to your phone though which is what has happened here.

I think it has just become more of a sibling argument with their parents involved and that’s what has escalated things.

I think it’s best for everyone to acknowledge A can be grieving, B can be excited about her baby and just move on. It may happen again but each couple should focus on their feelings in their nucleus and move on.

I think it’s best for everyone to acknowledge A can be grieving, B can be excited about her baby and just move on. It may happen again but each couple should focus on their feelings in their nucleus and move on

I agree with this.

@PicturePerfectSortOf yup completely understand that but that’s not what I was replying to the poster I’ve tagged about.

I also agree. I am just going to try my best to support both of them.

I think that's a good way to move forward, Suneggs.

@TellATaleTold

spoiling it for B

Goodness me, can't eye roll enough. Spoiling it because one person doesn't want to see your scan photo. People are so bloody self absorbed sometimes.

Why can't B just be satisfied with the many many many others she will likely receive congratulations and joy from for the remainder of her pregnancy.

What is this horrible thing some people have where they seem to want to force struggling people to share in their joy.

Makes you pretty sadistic and cruel imo. Not everyone in world owes you celebrations because you're pregnant.

I'd just apologise for not thinking in Bs situation, not throw a wobbler because someone was spoiling it like a petulant child. Get over yourself.

I agree with all of this!

I think some people forget that the dad is also suffering a loss, not saying that is right at all, but I’ve seen it many times when a baby is lost that everyone asks after the mum, not the dad.

I hope that everyone finds a way through that is, it’s horrible for everyone but I still think B was insensitive (as were her parents) and reading between the lines this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this and probably won’t be the last

@MiddleClassProblem

I think it has just become more of a sibling argument with their parents involved and that’s what has escalated things.

I think it’s best for everyone to acknowledge A can be grieving, B can be excited about her baby and just move on. It may happen again but each couple should focus on their feelings in their nucleus and move on.

This.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that sending the picture on a day when they hadn’t posted something on fb would be any easier for A.

B and her family are allowed to be excited at the pregnancy and A needs to share her emotions around it with her husband (and vice versa) but they really do need to try to avoid dragging others in and creating a family rift.

I’m very lucky in my social circle we are still like the old days and don’t know anyone who partakes in the above circus.

some of us are not living within a mile radius of all their friends and families, and are more than grateful they are kept in the loop of happy news and general family updates thanks to social media Thisismyfightsong

If nothing else, the lockdown (which is nowhere near the end) should have shown people like you what a lifeline it can be to live in the modern world.

everyone who has struggled or lost a child must be happy for them and must be fully involved in the pregnancy.
No one has said that - but if you are struggling it's on YOU to let others know or step away. Your approach of phoning directly is even worst!

Haven't we read enough threads about family members, especially in-laws! who are miffed/outraged/shocked/upset... because they are kept in the dark and not involved enough.

Hopefully B has learnt their lesson and will not mentioned her pregnancy or baby to A every again, but I would bet a lot that A would cause drama about that too.

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage?

basically yes, that is what posters are saying.

I think the better advice would be to keep your in-laws away from it all, and concentrate on family and friends who will talk to you directly instead of creating a family drama involving everybody else. Keep it in the family and your chosen friends, and problem solved.

We all know the IL will then start threads about not being invited to baby showers, to hospital to visit the new baby, but you can't have it both ways!

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage?

You shouldn't send them directly to someone who has had a miscarriage yes. You can also safely assume that no one else apart from very close bloody family cares either!

I'm guessing that A doesn't just grieve on days where there is an event such as baby loss awareness. She probably down most days. So there's never going to be a day when seeing a scan will be easy for her. My heart goes out to her, but I think she is BU to take it out on her SIL.
And I completely agree with other posters - who thinks taking about baby loss to a pregnant woman is a good idea? They were either both being insensitive, or both just living their lives without any intent to cause offence.

@ZezetteEpouseX No, I don’t think that A would cause “drama” if B didn’t mention her pregnancy. A is fairly quiet and unassuming, so it would have taken a lot for her to say that she found this particular situation hurtful.

It’s partly why I suppose I felt on A’s side more. Because she is normally in the background and just gets on with things. And then the one time she has spoken up, B & PIL’s have not even taken notice.

@BlankProfile A didn’t talk about baby loss to B? A posted on her own social media.

@BlankProfile You didn't read the OP. A didn't talk about pregnancy loss to B she posted about it on her own facebook page. B sent a scan picture to B specifically since it was a whatsapp group with only 2 other people in it.

I don't actually think it's a huge problem that As husband got involved. It was his loss as well at the end of the day and as B is his sister he is probably more comfortable mentioning it to her than A would have been.

I dont think that insensitive, however 5 weeks after my miscarage my boss told me and only me that her daughter was pregnant, I think that was insesnitive

Person B I've been person A. Had my 4th miscarriage just before Baby loss awareness week last year and my niece posted her gender reveal on Facebook around the same time. It destroyed me. Yes I get excitement and stuff but at least don't have that person being able to see everything straight after losing a Baby

@OuiOuiKitty I honestly think that’s one of the nastiest posts I’ve ever seen on mumsnet.