Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

[Suneggs]

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

@AltheaThoon

You can still share your joy with others, you can still celebrate your pregnancy with the swathes of other people who'll be willing no doubt

This can also be problematic. I've heard of people being offended that they've been "left out" of things because others have presumed they wouldn't want to know. It can make them feel like a pariah.

Then message them privately and ask how they feel about it and if they'd prefer to be included or not. Would you not rather do that than risk upsetting them by just assuming? At least that way it looks like you actually give a shit.

@MiddleClassProblem I agree. I don’t think A has been ok but she has put on a brave face so as not to “spoil” things. But on this one occasion, A probably expected that B would consider her feelings for a change.

Yes B spoke to MIL and claimed she was the upset one after her brother rang her. So now it’s become about B again. No thought for how upset A is.

B was completely insensitive. She could have waited a couple of days to post her picture

The pain of a miscarriage doesn't go away immediately (it can last for years!) so perhaps B was a little insensitive posting straight after she had said she was thinking of A.

However, I understand the excitement of pregnancy and wanting to share that. B might've thought that it would make A think "oh how lovely I'm so happy for them" and take her mind off her own personal tragedy. It's a difficult situation but unfortunately A will need to learn how to cope with other people's pregnancy news and updates.

Controversial opinion but B is BU for thinking that 2 people she's not blood related to would be interested in an unsolicited scan picture in the first place, regardless of A's situation 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show me a medical scan when you announce it for sure, after that then I'm sorry but your multiple private scan pictures are your own keepsakes to look at (especially if it's one of those 3D scans, they creep me right out).

Person b. She didn’t have to post the scan picture right that second, there was no rush. Very insensitive. I think it’s odd putting it on a group chat but there you go

To announce your pregnancy using the scan photo to your FB friends and family is one thing. To send a scan photo to a WhatsApp group that comprises of 2 others - 1 of which is very clearly mourning the loss of their child is just hugely insensitive and unnecessary.

I applaud Brother A. It took courage to mention this to Brother B and instead of silently seething or bottling up yet more hurt he’s taken the step of explaining to Brother B why this message was upsetting and given him the opportunity to reflect and apologise.

I think A has to understand that other people will still want to share their baby news, pics etc.
As other PPs have said, how long since B lost the baby?
If I was B I'd like to think that A would still be happy for me and I'd like to think that if I was A, I'd be pleased for B and would wish her well. If A finds it hard, then she can remove herself from the group chat - there will no doubt be lots of baby talk during the pregnancy.

There is no brother B in this bit. B is the sister of A’s husband. Brother A just called his sister out for upsetting his wife. There is a second brother but he is married to OP (I think but could be a sister not a brother).

I’d internally grumble about it then get over it. I miscarried in august. The world doesn’t stop because of that.

@OuiOuiKitty

Perfect example of the dramatics I mentioned in my post.

Have you read any other thread like this on mumsnet? There are always hoards of women out there ready to jump on you for daring to procreate when they can't. No one can experience pain like them and because of that you need to tiptoe around until the child is 10 or they become pregnant(when suddenly they expect the whole world to hail their pregnancy like it is the second coming).

Nasty post.

@inappropriateraspberry There’s not been lots of baby chat on the group. It’s normally used to plan meet ups, arrangements for things and stuff like that. It’s not used that much.

So B, and mine & A’s husband are siblings. So two brothers and a sister. Me and A have “married into” the family.

@SurreyHillsGirl

Well obviously Person B. You are better off asking people in the 'real world' as you will get posters saying Person A just for the hell of it, or because they have no EQ.

Or because lots and lots of them have done something similar to Person A and don't want to contemplate that they haven't been very nice and would rather think it's other people's fault for being 'jealous' or 'over-sensitive'

It's sad how many people don't expect any sort of thought or courtesy to be extended to themselves after experiencing a loss. Sure if you're genuinely happy to have scan pics sent out of the blue then great, we are all different; but thinking of others doesn't have to put a damper on your own pregnancy. Obviously A was upset, and it's a shame B can't at least acknowledge that.

No one should have to hide their pregnancy! Life goes on.

I think that is the whole point for those suffering with miscarriages or infertility. It feels like life is going on for everyone except you. Pregnancy is just normal life to other people but for you it isnt and possibly never will be.

If A finds it hard, then she can remove herself from the group chat

There are 3 people in this chat, it's not a huge group of people that you'd have to message individually otherwise. It takes just as much effort to send it to the group of 3 people than it would have done to just send it to OP privately.

Or because lots and lots of them have done something similar to Person A and don't want to contemplate that they haven't been very nice and would rather think it's other people's fault for being 'jealous' or 'over-sensitive'

I can imagine.

Just ask B not talk about her pregnancy/baby on the chat or around A.... Surely it's not that hard? You've already sided with A so what was the point in posting 🤷‍♀️

I have to say there's a limit to how much attention you can expect when you're pregnant. While some people like babies (and others pretend to care) almost no one cares about bump picks, feeling baby kicking, scan picks etc. Other than your partner and mum they're probably willing to indulge you to a limited extent but are really quite bored of it if you're constantly sending stuff out. By all means announce your pregnancy (and give anyone suffering from infertility a sensitive heads up first) but don't bore them all with the details. If you really need alot of attention ask for it from your mum or sister not your in law who's greiving.

I've been on both sides of this. A close friend and colleague fell pregnant in the midst of a crop of miscarriages for me. I had to watch her blooming while bleeding, bite my lip and try to be happy. Which I did until the day she did a huge gender reveal with bloody balloons at her desk, knowing I'd had another loss confirmed the day before. She is no longer a close friend!

Finally had a sticky pregnancy and another of my best friends found it impossible to be around me. We didn't talk about it, I knew, she knew I knew, and that's enough. I've had 2 babies in quick succession and we are still very distanced. I understand it completely. I miss her, I hope she comes back, but I care about her and her feelings and her way of dealing with it.

I think B was crass and insensitive, obviously read the post and got thinking about how lucky she is. Which is lovely, but to send the pic an hour later is verging on nasty.

How hard would it be to message and say 'sorry love, I don't know what I was thinking, I was insensitive. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you, please forgive me.' And leave it at that. Would've helped me.

Now we know the relationships, PIL will always side with B, she is their daughter.

I agree she was insensitive with her timing, there was no need for her to even share the scan picture but she has, you all have to now find a way to move on.

I would support A and let her know that her upset is understandable but help her find ways to deal with it.

B was insensitive and thoughtless.

@TellATaleTold nail on the head with this. * Why can't B just be satisfied with the many many many others she will likely receive congratulations and joy from for the remainder of her pregnancy.

What is this horrible thing some people have where they seem to want to force struggling people to share in their joy.

Makes you pretty sadistic and cruel imo. Not everyone in world owes you celebrations because you're pregnant.*

I’m glad to see some compassion on this thread. Too full of those seemingly thinking because they are pregnant then everyone who has struggled or lost a child must be happy for them and must be fully involved in the pregnancy. It’s shocking.

My sister lost her baby girl at 5 days old and had to leave a party nearly a year later where pregnant women were there as it was having a severe impact on her. She was in counselling for the grief she was experiencing. But according to this thread she should have clamped down her feelings and being super happy for the pregnant ladies and of course don’t mention her daughter in case it hurts the sensibilities of those like @thetangleteaser

What about the impact that would have on an already fragile and bereaved woman.

Can those pregnant not just accept they are in a very lucky position and should be very happy. I wonder if those who feel they have a right to share scan photos And everyone must be involved in their pregnancy as those constantly on social media looking for validation.

Back in the day when you were pregnant you told people face to face or by phone/letter and then when baby arrived you told them again name/boy/girl/weight and they visited with a gift.

None of this constant whatsapping scan pics, updates on all appointments, Facebook posts, t shirts with ‘bun in the oven’ gender reveals, baby showers all before baby even gets here. It’s nonsense.

I’m very lucky in my social circle we are still like the old days and don’t know anyone who partakes in the above circus.

@missbipolar Why should PIL automatically side with B? A’s husband also suffered the loss and he is their Son.