Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

[Suneggs]

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

I don’t think B is unreasonable, unless the loss was very recent. I do think it matters how long ago A experienced the loss. A isn’t unreasonable, her feelings are her feelings, but what expectations does she have? That no one in the family discuss anything to do with pregnancy?

[quote BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet]@ZezetteEpouseX

It just stops at basic common sense. If you're so stupid you can't tell what is going to upset people and what isn't then maybe get someone less socially clueless to help you. If someone has just shared something about baby loss don't send them your scan picture. Really not hard to understand. It's not like you can never talk about your pregnancy or baby just have a bit of tact.

Especially since there are only 3 people in the group chat and probably none of them really care about the scan pic anyway just don't share it in that group chat, there are still plenty of people you can send it to who will pretend the fuzzy black and white image is really cute.[/quote]
why do people always have to be so rude and nasty to try to explain why others are wrong simply because they have a different opinion? It doesn't make you more convincing or right frankly.

probably none of them really care about the scan pic anyway no, that's just you I am afraid. I am sorry you are so bitter and angry. I am not.

I don't think it's possible for B to feign ignorance in this respect when she's acknowledged it's a problem for A by commenting on the post to say she was thinking about her.

that's just being polite, surely no one actually write anything meaningful about a random post shared on FB

@Thisismyfightsong no need for the sarcastic undertone, you don’t have to speak down to someone just to get your point across. Yes I did found it horrific to long on to Facebook and see pictures of dead babies, I’d find it hard to find someone that wouldn’t, but what I did was as I said in my original post was I logged out, I didn’t ask the people posting to censor themselves as it was my issues not theirs.

So what should happen in this situation is person A should say ‘look person B, I’m really happy for you but I’m just struggling to discuss pregnancy atm, so I hope that’s okay but please could you not send me anymore scan photos’.

@Chuggington2

So sad that women are such c*nts to other women about miscarriage and baby loss, it’s actually embarrassing. We want respect but can’t even be bothered to show empathy for each other. It’s just awful.

It’s was massively insensitive, FFS it’s baby loss awareness week. Even if it happened in January this week has probably opened up an old wound. There’s a probably a plethora of people she could have shared the scan pic and got excited with.

It’s a made up week! It’s not real.

What qualifies it as a made-up week, Leyla? As opposed to say Breast Cancer Awareness Month, 1 December for HIV/AIDS, X holiday for Y religion? What would be a “real” week?

It’s a made up week! It’s not real

And? Any 'awareness week' or event or day is made up, there are plenty of them. I for one am glad that more and more women seem to be starting to open up about it. Why shouldn't we talk about it? It's a very real thing that affects a very real amount of women who then essentially get no recognition or help because it's such a taboo still when it shouldn't be.

Why does it offend you so much that something which is such a struggle for so many women but is essentially ignored in the most part by society is now being spoken more openly about? Do you not think it's a good thing?

I get it's not nice to see, I get it's worrying to know it could happen to you but it's a problem that lots of people experience and grieve and have to do so basically in secret when they shouldn't. It's a problem that some women deal with for years, that can affect their mental health for a long time following that they then get next to no support for in some cases and so on.

When I suffered my first miscarriage years ago I honestly felt like the only person in the world, like I'd failed somehow when everyone else was getting it right. It was only when I opened up to people and admitted it that I realised so many other women had experienced the same thing.

So yeah, I get that it isn't nice to see, I get it can make you anxious and worried but that's only because a very real problem that's always been there is now finally being spoken about freely by the people it affects. It's bigger than you and I.

It's an uncomfortable issue but just like anything else we would raise awareness for or discuss or open up about, it doesn't make it any less real.

@ZezetteEpouseX

I don't think it's possible for B to feign ignorance in this respect when she's acknowledged it's a problem for A by commenting on the post to say she was thinking about her.

that's just being polite, surely no one actually write anything meaningful about a random post shared on FB

Oh give over, you don't comment 'thinking of you' on something unless you know the original poster is struggling with whatever it is they have posted about, whether they have shared a generic post or not.

So did person A know person B was pregnant when she was posting stuff about miscarriage , you could says that’s also insensitive .

@ichifanny

So did person A know person B was pregnant when she was posting stuff about miscarriage , you could says that’s also insensitive .

Rubbish.

There's a huge difference between sharing something on your general page (especially during the awareness week for said subject), than sending something directly to another person.

I'd say the same for B, if she announced on Facebook generally that she was pregnant then fine. Sending a scan photo directly to A is different.

In both of those situations you need to remove yourself from social media if you can't cope. If you don't want to see people posting about their loss, come off social media in the same way that if you can't handle people sharing happy news you should come off for your own good.

But receiving a photo directly to your phone which you can't avoid is very different. What can't people understand about that?

If A had sent something about pregnancy loss directly to B you'd have a point. But she didn't. B did send something directly to A.

The two aren't comparable.

Thank you for everyone’s replies.

A’s husband is B’s brother so he rang B and said he thought it was inappropriate for her to send the scan photo. But B and PIL said they think A is in the wrong and is spoiling it for B.

However when we have all met up, A has always been pleased and excited for B. So it’s not like she is upset over the pregnancy itself. Just over B’s insensitively one this occasion.

@Suneggs maybe that’s part of the problem, A has always been happy and excited for her so she just sent it, obviously not thinking.

I think it was a tad thoughtless but I really don’t think it sounded malicious, I think A needs to just have a chat with B and explain how some things can be understandably hard for her to see.

spoiling it for B

Goodness me, can't eye roll enough. Spoiling it because one person doesn't want to see your scan photo. People are so bloody self absorbed sometimes.

Why can't B just be satisfied with the many many many others she will likely receive congratulations and joy from for the remainder of her pregnancy.

What is this horrible thing some people have where they seem to want to force struggling people to share in their joy.

Makes you pretty sadistic and cruel imo. Not everyone in world owes you celebrations because you're pregnant.

I'd just apologise for not thinking in Bs situation, not throw a wobbler because someone was spoiling it like a petulant child. Get over yourself.

Well obviously Person B. You are better off asking people in the 'real world' as you will get posters saying Person A just for the hell of it, or because they have no EQ.

@TellATaleTold

spoiling it for B

Goodness me, can't eye roll enough. Spoiling it because one person doesn't want to see your scan photo. People are so bloody self absorbed sometimes.

Why can't B just be satisfied with the many many many others she will likely receive congratulations and joy from for the remainder of her pregnancy.

What is this horrible thing some people have where they seem to want to force struggling people to share in their joy.

Makes you pretty sadistic and cruel imo. Not everyone in world owes you celebrations because you're pregnant.

I'd just apologise for not thinking in Bs situation, not throw a wobbler because someone was spoiling it like a petulant child. Get over yourself.

Yep to all of this.

Imagine actually knowing people that behave with such little regard for others.

@roarfeckingroarr

My mistake - sorry.

Are you guys saying you should never share scan photos if someone has had a miscarriage? That seems unfair if it's a family group.

I think it’s weird that there’s only 3 people in this group chat - OP, person A and person B. She could’ve just shared the scan photo with OP. The timing is a bit off to share with person A. Sounds careless.

That was really insensitive of person B - she could have waited a day to share that.

No, person B probably doesn't want to hear about dead babies - but every pregnant woman knows its a possibility it could be her. Also, isn't that the point of those awareness days? That child loss is an uncomfortable subject that just gets glossed over?

To answer those that asked, A doesn’t yet have children. So it’s probably quite raw as well with her not knowing if it will happen or not.

I genuinely don’t think that B is malicious, but is very self centred and doesn’t seem to have much awareness. When I have been pregnant in the past, B has never been particularly interested so I don’t know why she thinks that A has to be interested in hers. B is nice in lots of ways but does have a tendency to need others to give her an audience when something is happening in her life.

I don't get why people even bother arguing about who has what harder. It's so obvious I suspect to most people, who's position we'd all prefer to be in. And it isn't A's.

As B I'd just accept that I was in the more fortunate situation and that A probably wasn't the right person to share this with right now and just apologise for my lack of thinking in this particular situation and move on. You can still share your joy with others, you can still celebrate your pregnancy with the swathes of other people who'll be willing no doubt. No one is asking anyone to sit in a dark room with a bag over their heads for 9 months so no one knows your pregnant, just have some tact and thought for other people is all and don't throw a strop about someone spoiling it when they say they aren't able to join in. You aren't a small child who's birthday party is getting ruined.

There seems to be a giddiness that some people get wrapped up in when pregnant where they just don't think about anyone else and think they are entitled to everyone's attention and fawning no matter the circumstances. I don't understand it.

I would never ever think my desire to have people fawn over my pregnancy would trump my friends feelings. You cannot claim to actually care about a person if you do.

I think it's B's interaction with the Facebook post that is problematic. Either she liked and commented on it without really engaging with it (hence didn't clock that the timing of her message in the group was not very "aware"), or she did engage and still thought that her group message was fine (which I think shows a real lack of empathy).

All too easy to "like" something on social media without it properly filtering through.

I don't think the husbands needed to get involved in the whole thing. People are different. If they're all friends I'm sure person B wasn't being malicious, and maybe thought it's okay to acknowledge baby loss week while also celebrating her pregnancy. People are multi faceted we can care about opposing issues simultaneously. It sounds like it's become a bigger issue than it ever needed to be.

I dunno about the husbands not getting involved. DH sees you’re upset, you tell him you just feel sad, B sent you a scan picture and you can’t help thinking about the miscarriage (or something). DH calls B (his sister) and says what are you doing? Think.

I think PIL don’t need to be involved or taking sides but I guess B just called her parents.

I think everyone just needs to let it go. I think A probably hasn’t been as ok as OP thinks though, and puts on a face for the family.

You can still share your joy with others, you can still celebrate your pregnancy with the swathes of other people who'll be willing no doubt

This can also be problematic. I've heard of people being offended that they've been "left out" of things because others have presumed they wouldn't want to know. It can make them feel like a pariah.

@AltheaThoon A’s husband is B’s brother. He obviously loves and cares about his wife, so was annoyed that B was the cause of that upset.