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AIBU?

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Original poster

Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

311 replies

Suneggs · 10/10/2020 18:36

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 21:36

Indeed people can share their grief at the same time people can share their joy

And as I've said time and time and time again on here, it's not about NOT sharing your joy.

It's about choosing how to do that and with whom. I.e. by all means post a general SM post announcing your pregnancy, but at the same time maybe don't send a direct message to a friend who's just spoken out about their baby loss.

In the same way A can share her grief / awareness post on SM but maybe shouldn't send miscarriage statistics to a woman who's just posted that she's pregnant.

Original poster
Suneggs · 10/10/2020 21:36

@Brefugee I doubt A had to “measure” the time. It doesn’t take much to notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suneggs · 10/10/2020 21:38

Even if I absolutely hated A, I would still never dream of sending a scan photo to her when I knew that day she was grieving. How upsetting that some people on here would see that as ok to send to her.

OP posts:
PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 21:38

I think people seem to forget which person is in the fortunate position in these situations. Here's a clue, it isn't the woman who's lost her baby.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 21:40

In what way is it a ridiculous comparison? I'm not saying cancer and pregnancy loss are the same. But you can't say it's wrong to raise awareness about one thing but not another.

time and a place...

You don't "raise awareness" about baby loss to a pregnant woman Hmm

If you must compare, the best I can put is is you don't "raise awareness" about breast cancer to a friend who is waiting for a medical appointment after finding a lump.

I don't believe in censorship either way. I don't agree that it's insensitive to send a scan photo to a family member because they happened to have had a miscarriage month ago.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2020 21:42

I don't agree that it's insensitive to send a scan photo to a family member because they happened to have had a miscarriage month ago.

So all those women telling you they’d find it upsetting are in the wrong?

SylvanianFrenemies · 10/10/2020 21:42

Person B has been v insensitive and I'm staggered by those who can't see that. A scan photo can be shared in private messages. There are loads of people who find being blindsided with scans hard, never mind when they have just said they are finding things hard.

Chuggington2 · 10/10/2020 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 21:44

You don't "raise awareness" about baby loss to a pregnant woman hmm

SHE DIDN'T RAISE AWARENESS TO A PREGNANT FRIEND.

She shared something on her own social media page, she didn't send it directly to friend B.

In the same way if friend B had announced her pregnancy generally on Facebook, it wouldn't be the same as DIRECTLY MESSAGING A.

I agree with you, sending a direct message to a friend who's waiting for a medical appointment for a lump would be insensitive especially if that friend had shared that very day that she was worried about it.

Sharing something generally on your Facebook page during breast cancer awareness week is not the same thing, at all.

Notthetoothfairy · 10/10/2020 21:44

I’ve changed my mind on this one, not because @MJMG2015 clearly has a problem with my and lots of the other PPs’ views (!) but because of the drip feed that this actually wasn’t a “group chat” if it literally consisted of Person A, Person B and the OP.

Person B should be free to share her happy news/excitement with the wider family but in this case it would have been really easy to bypass Person A and just message the OP rather than this being a case of having to message 20 family members individually or have them miss out on her updates in case Person A took offence.

Chuggington2 · 10/10/2020 21:44

@PicturePerfectSortOf I seriously wouldn’t bother trying she clearly any self awareness and empathy.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 21:45

[quote Chuggington2]@ZezetteEpouseX yep definitely a terrible person[/quote]
or maybe not as self-centred and precious as others on here?

Looking at the amount of scans and happy posts and messages I get, many people seem to agree with me. Not many secret pregnancy around me, and it's a good thing.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 21:46

[quote Chuggington2]@PicturePerfectSortOf I seriously wouldn’t bother trying she clearly any self awareness and empathy.[/quote]
If you are comfortable hiding your own pregnancy or requesting that anyone around you hide theirs, it's a free country.

I can't agree. You don't like people with a different opinion, you need to work on that!

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 21:47

or maybe not as self-centred and precious as others on here?

It's hilarious that you're calling the people who actually consider other peoples feelings, self centred... but okay.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 21:50

PicturePerfectSortOf

being able to be happy for others around you is not wrong
🤷

ViewsAreMine · 10/10/2020 21:53

If B hadn't acknowledged that A's post then this would be a non-issue. You can't comment on a post about baby loss, telling the poster you're thinking of her and then send scan pics later. The type of medium used is inconsequential here. B played the class A hypocrite.

roarfeckingroarr · 10/10/2020 21:53

A is being overly sensitive and I think inappropriate to post about baby loss in a group with a pregnant woman

Leaannb · 10/10/2020 21:55

@Suneggs

Even if I absolutely hated A, I would still never dream of sending a scan photo to her when I knew that day she was grieving. How upsetting that some people on here would see that as ok to send to her.
She grieves everyday. Not just in one
Dillydallyingthrough · 10/10/2020 22:02

I agree with you OP, I think its really shitty behaviour from B. How can you comment on a post like that and then think, I know I will send my scan pics??? Really insensitive, and I'm surprised at the number of posts on here that cant see that. No-one is asking B to hide her pregnancy, she could have sent it the day she had the scan or in a couple of weeks. If I was you, i would support A as much as possible.

katnyps · 10/10/2020 22:03

@thetangleteaser

It’s a really hard situation person B could have been more sensitive definitely been more sensitive but probably just didn’t think for a second. I actually found ‘Baby loss awareness Week’ really difficult last year as a pregnant woman, I had to log out of all social media for the week as every time I logged on I was confronted which another story about baby loss, another picture of parents cradling their deceased baby, another poem about grief. It turned me into an anxious mess, I’m in no way saying that people should censor what they post but I guess what I’m trying to say is we all find things triggering without the person person doing that with any ill intentions🤷🏼‍♀️
I'm pregnant now and suffered a miscarriage last year - and have surprised myself and how much baby loss awareness week has triggered anxiety in me too! I'm not normally overly sensitive - but have found myself feeling guilty quickly scrolling past posts on social media
ChristmasArmadillo · 10/10/2020 22:05

I’ve had a stillborn baby, and this wouldn’t bother me ; in fact; one of my sisters-in-law actually was pregnant when it happened and I was still happy for her.

Dillydallyingthrough · 10/10/2020 22:06

@roarfeckingroarr

A is being overly sensitive and I think inappropriate to post about baby loss in a group with a pregnant woman
She didn't, I've been copied and pasted the relevant part of the OP for you, the OP clearly states it was on SM.

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 22:09

@roarfeckingroarr

A is being overly sensitive and I think inappropriate to post about baby loss in a group with a pregnant woman
She didn't. She posted on her own SM page.
Neuronurse · 10/10/2020 22:11

I have had loses but they are my losses. These were shit.
I have had 3 healthy pregnancies and babies as well. This was exciting.
We can't all collectively grieve everyone's losses. They are sad on a micro level, but you can't compete someone's sad news against someone's happy news. Both equally as important.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 22:12

@ZezetteEpouseX

PicturePerfectSortOf

being able to be happy for others around you is not wrong
🤷

I think I'm coming at this as if I were person B whereas a lot of others seem to be coming at it as if they were person A.

To me, as person B, I couldn't comfortably do that knowing it might upset A (and it's fairly obvious that it might upset someone whether you personally would or wouldn't be upset in that situation, it's fairly obvious a lot of people would).

Maybe A would be fine with it, maybe they wouldn't. I couldn't knowingly take that risk as person B, I'd feel far too bad and I'd have hoped most decent people would have considered it as person B.

What you would or wouldn't feel as person A is sort of irrelevant imo. It's what you'd do as person B that counts.