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Original poster

Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

311 replies

Suneggs · 10/10/2020 18:36

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 20:13

@PurpleDaisies

I don’t think anyone has insinuated her grief isn’t valid at all or that it’s time limited.

You’re reading a different thread.

How many posters have said the miscarriage wasn’t recent so A shouldn’t have been upset?

It's not what they said at all. if the miscarriage was this morning, it would be more than insensitive to post a scan this afternoon.

if the miscarriage was months ago, it makes 0 difference if the scan is posted yesterday, today or tomorrow - unless it's specifically on the due date and it was known by everybody else.

People don't even remember the day a baby died - which is fine, they surely don't remember the due date of a lost baby unless you tell them.

Milknosugarthx · 10/10/2020 20:21

The timing was way off , person B should have given it a bit longer. Insensitive but surely not done to intentionally hurt A.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2020 20:22

if the miscarriage was months ago, it makes 0 difference if the scan is posted yesterday, today or tomorrow - unless it's specifically on the due date and it was known by everybody else.

It is insensitive to post that scan photo to someone who has had a miscarriage whether it’s been one day or one year. Especially when you’ve seen them post about baby loss that day,

Scaraffito · 10/10/2020 20:25

B was unreasonable, many people manage to not share unwanted scan pics, especially a few hours after liking a post about loss.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:25

Is there even such a thing as baby loss awareness week?

Yes there is and it's been quite prevalent on my SM for at least the past couple of years.

Seriously, what half decent person thinks it's okay to send a scan photo to someone who's just that day shared a post about losing their own baby?

I can't get my head around these threads I really can't.

There's a very big difference between what someone can do and what is the right thing to do. The right and sensitive thing to do would have been for B to send OP the scan photo directly considering there is only A B and OP in the chat anyway.

It really doesn't matter when As miscarriage was, she clearly is still grieving as per her social media post that very day.

I don't know about most but I for one would place my friends feelings above sending an unnecessary scan photo the very day they'd shared a vulnerable SM post about their loss.

But like always on these threads, people will flounce and post dramatics about how you can't expect people to just hide the fact they are pregnant forever from A, 'what are you expecting B to do? Wear a sack to hide her bump for the rest of the 9 months? Never mention her pregnancy to anyone ever in the whole world?!' etc etc...

When no, all that's being expected is a little bit of thought and sensitivity about when and to whom you send certain things. I don't think that is too much to ask if someone who is supposed to be your friend.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:27

if the miscarriage was months ago, it makes 0 difference if the scan is posted yesterday, today or tomorrow - unless it's specifically on the due date and it was known by everybody else

She sent it on the day that A posted about her loss...? I'm genuinely gobsmacked some of you would think it's okay to do that to someone you supposedly loved or cared about. I couldn't personally.

Busybrain2020 · 10/10/2020 20:28

Does person A have any other children?

I don't think B was insensitive. She had a scan and shared a photo of her baby. It doesn't make any difference to A's loss and A already knew about the baby.

OuiOuiKitty · 10/10/2020 20:31

Things I've learnt on mumsnet. Never share happy news about being pregnant, no scans, no baby talk nothing. It's not about you, it is about your co worker or friend or sil etc that may possibly be upset for any reason at all.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:31

God I'm glad I'm not friends with some of you. Do you all care that little about your friends feelings and grief?

PandaCub7 · 10/10/2020 20:31

@Suneggs

Just to clarify - there are only us 3 in the group chat!

B had the scan earlier in the week, so was no reason to post it the same day that she said she was thinking of A.

I am not stirring the pot. I am happy for B but also know that A is going through pain. And no matter how long ago she had the miscarriages, I have the ability to understand that the pain isn’t necessarily any less.

Giving that it’s baby loss awareness week, person B wrote a post about said week and there’s only 3 of you in the chat, I would say sharing the baby scan in the group chat is very insensitive. Person b could’ve just directly sent you the photo. Very odd move.
PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:33

@OuiOuiKitty

Things I've learnt on mumsnet. Never share happy news about being pregnant, no scans, no baby talk nothing. It's not about you, it is about your co worker or friend or sil etc that may possibly be upset for any reason at all.
Perfect example of the dramatics I mentioned in my post.

No one is saying that.

They are saying it's probably not a nice or sensitive thing to do to message someone directly with a scan picture when they have that day shared a post about the loss of their own baby which they are quite clearly still grieving.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 20:33

@PurpleDaisies

if the miscarriage was months ago, it makes 0 difference if the scan is posted yesterday, today or tomorrow - unless it's specifically on the due date and it was known by everybody else.

It is insensitive to post that scan photo to someone who has had a miscarriage whether it’s been one day or one year. Especially when you’ve seen them post about baby loss that day,

each to their own.

When I saw scan pics of my friends and relatives, I was happy for them. i was sad for myself, but it would not have occur to me to complain or even to think they were doing anything wrong.

When you hurt, you step away from social medial. People WILL post about happy events, and possibly sad ones. If it's too much, you just don't look.

I never knew until MN that some people thought others had to hide their pregnancy or change the way they announce it because someone else had a miscarriage. It's just very bizarre and self-centered.

Where does it stop then? Has it even occur to you that for mums like me, the milestones of a baby then child of similar age are just as painful? Has it even occur to you that first steps, pre-school graduation, first days at schools, kids on the beach, birthday cakes, christmases... there are an even worst reminder? Should people stop posting about their children because it hurts me?

Why focusing so much on the scan and pretend that everything else is fine?

It's insensitive to post about your kids full stop, should everybody stop?

EssentialHummus · 10/10/2020 20:34

B is looking more and more unreasonable by the minute, imo.

  • She could have just sent you the pic if there are only three of you on the group.
  • She didn't even have the scan that day - why didn't she share her pic earlier if it was so important to her?

If she saw A's post about the week she clearly would've known that the loss was on A's mind that day (= don't pipe up with your scan photo an hour later).

Leylafrenchie · 10/10/2020 20:34

@PicturePerfectSortOf

if the miscarriage was months ago, it makes 0 difference if the scan is posted yesterday, today or tomorrow - unless it's specifically on the due date and it was known by everybody else

She sent it on the day that A posted about her loss...? I'm genuinely gobsmacked some of you would think it's okay to do that to someone you supposedly loved or cared about. I couldn't personally.

No she didn’t post it on the day of her loss... A only posted some pic or thread about it being ‘baby loss awareness week’. Her miscarriage wasn’t recent.

This year at some point yes but she did not post it on the day she lost a baby.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:34

It's really shocking to see how consumed in their own world some people are that they just don't care whether or not they hurt another person.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:35

I didn't say she posted it on the day of her loss. I said she sent it on the day that A posted on SM about her loss.

B even acknowledged it and said she was thinking about her.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2020 20:36

Why focusing so much on the scan and pretend that everything else is fine?

I’m not saying everything else is fine. I’m saying scan pictures are especially upsetting for many, many women who have experienced losses.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:36

When you hurt, you step away from social medial. People WILL post about happy events, and possibly sad ones. If it's too much, you just don't look

She didn't post it on SM. She sent it directly to A and OP.

Posting it on your general social media is very different to sending something directly to a person you know it will upset.

OuiOuiKitty · 10/10/2020 20:36

Perfect example of the dramatics I mentioned in my post.

Have you read any other thread like this on mumsnet? There are always hoards of women out there ready to jump on you for daring to procreate when they can't. No one can experience pain like them and because of that you need to tiptoe around until the child is 10 or they become pregnant(when suddenly they expect the whole world to hail their pregnancy like it is the second coming).

Leylafrenchie · 10/10/2020 20:38

@PicturePerfectSortOf

I didn't say she posted it on the day of her loss. I said she sent it on the day that A posted on SM about her loss.

B even acknowledged it and said she was thinking about her.

so any days she decides to post about her loss on Facebook no one can ever share happy news ?

Iv had 2 miscarriages. I wouldn’t ever expect anyone not to share a picture of a scan just because I posted something on my social media.

overnightangel · 10/10/2020 20:38

She couldn’t have waited a few days? Really?
Ignorant as fuck

Looking4wards · 10/10/2020 20:38

I don't know about who's being more U A or B - I can see both side. But I think OP is coming across as a stirrer and determined to make B out to be a bad person.

Viviennemary · 10/10/2020 20:39

Yes in this case person B was insensitive.

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 20:42

@OuiOuiKitty

Perfect example of the dramatics I mentioned in my post.

Have you read any other thread like this on mumsnet? There are always hoards of women out there ready to jump on you for daring to procreate when they can't. No one can experience pain like them and because of that you need to tiptoe around until the child is 10 or they become pregnant(when suddenly they expect the whole world to hail their pregnancy like it is the second coming).

I've read plenty of threads on MN where people think their grieving 'friends' or family should just get over it and be happy for them, can't understand why they might distance themselves and now with this thread, might not want to receive a scan photo directly to their phone on the very day they've shared about their loss on their page.

No one is saying you can't be happy or share news or be over joyed and be congratulated and celebrate. Just maybe think about the people you expect that from.

If my friend had suffered a loss (and had posted that day about it), I wouldn't think them a good person to share my scan photo with and expect them to celebrate with me. I'd go to my other friends for that who would be better suited to share my happiness with me. I wouldn't want to purposefully upset a friend for my own self satisfaction.

I never understand it. People always go on about how their friends should try and be happy for them or should try and congratulate them etc etc... And I just don't get it. Why would you want to force someone you cared about to be in a situation that could hurt them?

Share your joy by all means, but have some sensitivity about the way and to who you do that with.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 10/10/2020 20:42

If there are only the 3 of you in the group and one of them had had a miscarriage in the recent past, posting an unsolicited scan pic is just stupidly insensitive. Whether it was baby loss week or not.