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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

311 replies

Suneggs · 10/10/2020 18:36

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
ChronicallyCurious · 10/10/2020 19:21

Obviously it is horrible that person A has gone through that but if it is not the anniversary or the babies due date today then person A is BU. Not everything is about them and maybe they should consider taking some time out from the group chat that has pregnant people in it if they can’t handle seeing baby scan photos yet.

Abouttimemum · 10/10/2020 19:22

It’s definitely insensitive of person B, she could post it the next day. However, probably not thinking, or actually not really understanding just how absolutely horrendous it is to lose a baby. It happens a lot. It’s happened to me. I don’t blame others for it though, I doubt it’s malicious, just thoughtless.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 19:22

[quote Suneggs]@thetangleteaser I think it’s the timing of it all that seemed so insensitive.[/quote]
again, I don't get it.

It's about the posting about baby loss awareness or other meme?
Not about the actual loss of the baby?

It's not more painful to remember your lost baby because of a random date in the calendar chosen to share posts on social media. A scan of a baby will be a painful reminder regardless, but that's life! You can't blame others for being excited and happy.

Nottherealslimshady · 10/10/2020 19:22

Person A. Yeah it's sad they had a miscarriage, I had one a few months ago, it's horrible, I'd have been devastated at someone announcing their pregnancy immediately after I announced my miscarriage. But As miscarriage was in the past year, so not very recent. And they were posted on different platforms. B should be able to share her joy of her pregnancy without it being clouded by someone elses miscarriage a year ago.
And as someone else said, B could very well have been upset at someone discussing miscarriage when she's pregnant but she would be unreasonable to expect A not to talk her own losses just because of her pregnancy.

PurpleDaisies · 10/10/2020 19:22

Either way, you are just a bystander and should support both of them.

Why do bystanders have to be neutral?

I agree with A, it was insensitive. B should have waited more than an hour to share the scan photo.

Piwlyfbicsly · 10/10/2020 19:23

Very insensitive. I’d share my joy and happiness with my friends/family in individual chats rather than a group chat if I knew the person A would be reading

MJMG2015 · 10/10/2020 19:23

@Notthetoothfairy

Also the miscarriage was this year, not last week. If it had been very recent, Person B should have held off a little longer.
Did you miss the bit where she posted raising awareness of baby loss week?!

Losing a baby doesn't stop hurting.

Would acknowledging that & not being an insensitive TWAT have hurt person B??

thetangleteaser · 10/10/2020 19:24

Also to add, a close family member has suffered with recurrent miscarriage and has just begun IVF. She told me she finds it harder when people are anxious to share their news with her and she feels people almost pity her and her infertility then becomes the elephant in the room when she wasn’t feeling that way at all. It’s hard for us to judge as I feel this is maybe more about the individual personalities than the issue itself.

MadameMeursault · 10/10/2020 19:24

Person B is BVU and insensitive

MiddleClassProblem · 10/10/2020 19:25

@PurpleDaisies

Either way, you are just a bystander and should support both of them.

Why do bystanders have to be neutral?

I agree with A, it was insensitive. B should have waited more than an hour to share the scan photo.

Because why does it need to be a fight or stirred?

It sounds like it was not done with any intent other then coming out of a scan excited. Why make it a bigger deal particularly when it didn’t affect you directly?

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 19:26

You could turn it around...

It's VERY insensitive to remind everybody of baby loss and other horrible pregnancy complications when someone you know is currently pregnant..

I mean, where does it stop? A is of course going to be upset, but that's a private upset, completely BU to blame another family member because they are pregnant. It would be much worst to start a different group keeping A away from it all? She is free to ignore social media for awhile.

BitchPeas · 10/10/2020 19:26

I think you need to gently be the voice of reason for A. Life doesn’t stop, it’s sad but very common and everyone else is entitled to share their happiness. Other women will always be pregnant/giving birth, they shouldn’t have to go into hiding for fear of offending.

But I think you aren’t doing this and won’t do this as you’re enjoying sticking the knife into person B a little bit too much. She’s not done anything wrong. I’ve lost 3 pregnancies at various stages and one very traumatic, baby loss awareness week doesn’t even register on my radar, so I wouldn’t expect it to for anyone else. Person B is pregnant and is family so does she not deserve some support and good will?

MindatWork · 10/10/2020 19:26

So was the scan picture not an actual pregnancy announcement OP, just a photo from a recent private scan they’ve had?

I do think it’s a bit odd to comment on your friend’s social media post about baby loss awareness week, knowing they’re struggling, and then 1 hour later...post a scan picture on your group chat. It’s a bit tone deaf really isn’t it?

Yes of course pregnant women shouldnt have to hide away their joy blah blah blah but I’ve been on the other end of this and an unexpected scan picture is like a literal kick in the face when you’re struggling.

MJMG2015 · 10/10/2020 19:27

@Russellbrandshair

You said “in the past year”- that could mean as far back as January - 9 months ago. Now if she posted the picture on the same day as person B announced the loss then I would agree that there is a sensitivity chip missing. However, you didn’t say when this loss occurred- it could have been months ago in which case, person A cannot expect everyone who is pregnant to simply never mention it. That’s not fair either. Of course loss is hard. But life goes on. I lost my mother at a young age- I cannot expect none of my friends to ever mention their mothers, even if I do find it hard at times.
I'm sorry you lost you Amun when you were young, that's hard 🌷

Would you not be upset if you had just posted to say it was your mums birthday & you were really missing her?

They said 'sorry to hear that'

Then in an hour posted about what a brilliant day they'd had with their amazing, wonderful, supportive mum

?

orangenasturtium · 10/10/2020 19:27

It's not more painful to remember your lost baby because of a random date in the calendar chosen to share posts on social media.

No @ZezetteEpouseX but the fact that Person A had just posted it means that she is clearly thinking about it so Person B sending the scan to their family an hour later knowing that it was on Person A's mind was a incredibly tactless. Especially as she said she was "thinking about Person A". Clearly she wasn't. It would have been very easy to just send it to the rest of the family.

BitchPeas · 10/10/2020 19:28

Also completely agree with Zezette

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 19:28

Did you miss the bit where she posted raising awareness of baby loss week?!

Losing a baby doesn't stop hurting.

indeed... so B should keep A away of all things related to her pregnancy?

Would acknowledging that & not being an insensitive TWAT have hurt person B??

B is not a twat for being pregnant, get over yourself.

jacks11 · 10/10/2020 19:29

I think it’s being blown out of proportion- unless it is the anniversary of the loss or it was very recent, then whilst A is entitled to her feelings but it does not automatically make B unreasonable to share her scan photo just because A is upset. Sometimes people are upset without anyone being at fault, even if they are the cause.

I don’t think baby loss awareness week means that no-one can announce a pregnancy, discuss their pregnancy or share info re their pregnancies or babies. Life has to carry on, others cannot tiptoe around you forever. I speak as someone who has been through it and knows it’s hard.

Losing · 10/10/2020 19:29

It’s a complete minefield, probably neither are BU.

Person B is entitled to be excited by her pregnancy and to share that with who she wants to. I went through a fourth loss very recently but was still very happy for my friend when she announced her pregnancy the day after. Pregnancy has been a horror show for me, it’s nice to see other people able to relax and enjoy it.

Person A is of course going to be in a lot of pain, everything will feel like a stab in the gut. A baby in a shop, friends/relatives pregnancies, it can be a hard thing to come to terms with. She is not bu to be upset or sensitive.

Person B could have waited a few days.

Person A could have understood that person b is excited.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 19:29

Would you not be upset if you had just posted to say it was your mums birthday & you were really missing her?

They said 'sorry to hear that'

Then in an hour posted about what a brilliant day they'd had with their amazing, wonderful, supportive mum

well, I am guessing that happens on every single Mother's Day and Christmases....because people shouldn't have to stop posting about their own story, you are free to ignore when you know it's triggering.
CALLING YOU to tell you about a fabulous day would be awful!

CheshireCats · 10/10/2020 19:30

Person A is being unreasonable. How would it have been any different in B had waited a day/ week to post? Person A's miscarriage was not very recent, so I don't think B did anything wrong.

Original poster
Suneggs · 10/10/2020 19:31

Just to clarify - there are only us 3 in the group chat!

B had the scan earlier in the week, so was no reason to post it the same day that she said she was thinking of A.

I am not stirring the pot. I am happy for B but also know that A is going through pain. And no matter how long ago she had the miscarriages, I have the ability to understand that the pain isn’t necessarily any less.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 10/10/2020 19:31

B. They should have held of for a day, and perhaps contacted A before they posted

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 19:32

People will say person B has a right to do X or share Y with whoever they want but I personally wouldn't feel comfortable as person B knowingly upsetting A. I think it makes you a bit of a shitty person to be honest.

Not everything you have a right to do is the decent thing to do but unfortunately some people don't care.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/10/2020 19:33

@Suneggs

Just to clarify - there are only us 3 in the group chat!

B had the scan earlier in the week, so was no reason to post it the same day that she said she was thinking of A.

I am not stirring the pot. I am happy for B but also know that A is going through pain. And no matter how long ago she had the miscarriages, I have the ability to understand that the pain isn’t necessarily any less.

Well that scan date info is a massive drip feed.