Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

[Suneggs]

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

so any days she decides to post about her loss on Facebook no one can ever share happy news ?

I wouldn't directly message a friend with a scan photo the day she posted about her own loss no, why would anyone do that?

People are acting like announcing your news on your general SM to everyone is remotely the same as sending someone a scan photo directly. It's very different, imo anyway.

@Looking4wards Not sure why you think that? I care about both of them.

I never understand it. People always go on about how their friends should try and be happy for them or should try and congratulate them etc etc... And I just don't get it. Why would you want to force someone you cared about to be in a situation that could hurt them?

I don't get it either. My miscarriages were all before my first child so I thought at the time that maybe I didn't understand because I'd never had a successful pregnancy. Now that I have I understand even less why women insist that friends struggling with their fertility celebrate their pregnancy. The whole world wants to congratulate and fuss over you while pregnant, how can you be selfish enough to insist that someone it will actively hurt joins in with it, too?

Back to my point then, B needs to stop mentioning anything related to her pregnancy and birth to A. Full stop.

I am guessing that there will be drama about A being invited or not to the baby shower if there is one, either way, but sometimes you can't win.

A had a miscarriage, B needs to hide her pregnancy from her, it's simple.
Let's hope A will return the favour and not mention anything baby-loss related because that's the last thing a pregnant woman needs to hear about.

@PicturePerfectSortOf

so any days she decides to post about her loss on Facebook no one can ever share happy news ?

I wouldn't directly message a friend with a scan photo the day she posted about her own loss no, why would anyone do that?

People are acting like announcing your news on your general SM to everyone is remotely the same as sending someone a scan photo directly. It's very different, imo anyway.

Well we clearly have different opinions. I would Still want my friends to share good news with me. I can be happy for other people.

Put it this way.

Your friend posts on their SM something about when they lost their mum earlier in the year. You comment on it saying 'thinking about you'.

Do you then go and text them directly with a gushing message about your own mum?

Or would you think hmm, probably not the best time to do that, I'll send it to someone else.

@ZezetteEpouseX

Back to my point then, B needs to stop mentioning anything related to her pregnancy and birth to A. Full stop.

I am guessing that there will be drama about A being invited or not to the baby shower if there is one, either way, but sometimes you can't win.

A had a miscarriage, B needs to hide her pregnancy from her, it's simple.
Let's hope A will return the favour and not mention anything baby-loss related because that's the last thing a pregnant woman needs to hear about.

No one should have to hide their pregnancy! Life goes on.

@Hardbackwriter Exactly! I don’t get why B couldn’t just send the photo to me. She has put A in the difficult situation of having to respond nicely while she is upset and hurting.

@PicturePerfectSortOf It is very different. People seem to think that B’s right to be happy about her pregnancy means she is allowed to make someone else feel bad.

The whole world wants to congratulate and fuss over you while pregnant, how can you be selfish enough to insist that someone it will actively hurt joins in with it, too?

Because quite clearly a lot of people only care about their friends so long as it doesn't get in the way of their own attention.

Things I've learnt on mumsnet. Never share happy news about being pregnant, no scans, no baby talk nothing. It's not about you, it is about your co worker or friend or sil etc that may possibly be upset for any reason at all.

No, it's about this novel idea of thinking about other people as well as yourself, a wild concept I know.

I notice OP hasn't answered my question about whether A has any other children (it's relevant because it's the difference between sadness over a loss and fear that you'll never have children).

Many women have miscarriages. And part of the problem with the whole thing is that we, as a society, don't talk about it much. So people who don't know how hard it is, or what it feels like, have no idea because it is the Thing That Must Never Be Mentioned but at the same time Everyone Must Be Sensitive To The Needs Of Those Who Have Lost A Baby.

In common with so many others i have had a miscarriage, and it bloody hurts a couple of decades later. In the meantime everyone else's life goes on. And that is good. Because miscarriage is horribly common.

Sorry for your loss, OP if you are A.

Hardbackwriter

there are quite a few threads about women being offended by other tip-toeing or not telling them the news etc. directly and not telling them first.

Pretty sure I have read about women getting pregnant on purpose to spite others. It's just endless, and perfectly ridiculous.

[quote Suneggs]@Hardbackwriter Exactly! I don’t get why B couldn’t just send the photo to me. She has put A in the difficult situation of having to respond nicely while she is upset and hurting.

@PicturePerfectSortOf It is very different. People seem to think that B’s right to be happy about her pregnancy means she is allowed to make someone else feel bad.[/quote]
So instead B should just shut up about her pregnancy and pretend it’s not happening because A posted something about a made up week on Facebook

I absolutely hate scan pictures. Even though my own experience with recurrent miscarriage did end with a healthy baby, so it is not as raw as it used to be, I completely associate scans with watching that image on the screen and being told there was no heartbeat, and again. So seeing a scan of someone's healthy baby (even my own!) takes me back to those moments. I have quite a visceral reaction to them even now.

No, it's about this novel idea of thinking about other people as well as yourself, a wild concept I know.

so maybe not mentioning baby dying to a pregnant woman? Just a thought...

@Brefugee I’m not A. But I can put myself in A’s shoes and try to understand the hurt she feels. That’s why as much as I care about B, I don’t get why she couldn’t do the same and consider A’s feelings.

I really believe that some people are incapable of feeling true empathy towards others - what you described is beyond insensitive.
The whole “it’s sad about the miscarriage but why should someone else sacrifice posting baby scan photo” spiel is beyond me.

Leylafrenchie I hope you aren't as horrible in real life as you sound on here.

Well we clearly have different opinions. I would Still want my friends to share good news with me. I can be happy for other people

Well this thread, and many others, go to show that you can't tell how a person will react.

Therefore if I were B, I couldn't comfortably do that knowing that it might upset A. I really couldn't be comfortable sending a scan photo directly to someone who had just that day posted about baby loss, I really couldn't. I think its staggering that anyone could comfortably do (that regardless as to how you think you'd react as person A), as person B, I couldn't do it.

So instead B should just shut up about her pregnancy and pretend it’s not happening because A posted something about a made up week on Facebook.

It isn’t a made up week.

Look at the Sands link I posted earlier.

@coconuttyhead

I really believe that some people are incapable of feeling true empathy towards others - what you described is beyond insensitive. The whole “it’s sad about the miscarriage but why should someone else sacrifice posting baby scan photo” spiel is beyond me.

I know. If I'm trying to be sympathetic then I think for some women pregnancy is the only time in their life that they feel celebrated or like they've achieved something, so that's why they're so furious at the idea that they should 'sacrifice' even the tiniest bit of attention or adulation by thinking about something else, which is itself pretty sad.

@Leylafrenchie B can still talk about her pregnancy. She has talked lots to us all about it. But on that day, an hour after A stated that she was thinking about her miscarriage, did B really need to send her a scan photo?

so maybe not mentioning baby dying to a pregnant woman? Just a thought...

They didn't, they posted on their own social media. Quite different to posting about it in a chat, where often you don't get the chance to scroll past.

So instead B should just shut up about her pregnancy and pretend it’s not happening because A posted something about a made up week on Facebook

Where. Are. You. Getting. This. From.

No one is suggesting you hide indoors for 9 months not to upset anyone who's possibly suffered a miscarriage. But just maybe don't send a person you know full well has, and has shared that very day, a direct message with your scan photo.

Why are your dramatising a very basic idea and turning it into a big flounce about having to hide your pregnancy from everyone and never mention it.