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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

250 replies

Genericnewnumusername · 08/10/2020 21:44

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

OP posts:

ScarMatty · 09/10/2020 14:02

@Somethingsnappy

I totally agree. I didn't breastfeed, and I knew this increased the risk, but I also knew that because I don't touch alcohol and have never smoked, that meant the risk was still so so so very minimal that A) it wasn't worth my stress and B) it wasn't worth potentially damaging my marriage.

Each to their own, but I hate the thought of a new mum sitting beside their baby every time they sleep because they feel they have to against all over odds.

Mums have enough pressure, it doesn't need to be added to

NoSleepInTheHeat · 09/10/2020 14:03

I have never heard about that!
Do you also stay in the room at naptime?

Somethingsnappy · 09/10/2020 14:12

@ScarMatty....quite right! There are many, many different 'risk' factors and it's best not to look at each one in isolation, as it doesn't really work like that.

Marzipan12 · 09/10/2020 14:13

Musical frog great you stayed with your second baby while they slept. What did you do if your older child was awake? Or sick? Needed you to leave the room for 100+reasons? Or did u leave your older child completely unattended? Sorry it's just not possible to stay with a sleeping baby every second when you have older kids.

OhToBeASeahorse · 09/10/2020 14:15

Why on earth has this become a BF bashing thread?

God its tedious.

Hangingover · 09/10/2020 14:17

How do you sense someone breathing?

ScarMatty · 09/10/2020 14:23

@OhToBeASeahorse

Why on earth has this become a BF bashing thread?

God its tedious.

Erm, I'm assuming you mean my comment regarding breastfeeding. I'm not quite sure how you see it as 'bashing'? I was simply making a comparison that was is often advertised as 'best' for baby isn't necessarily best all round. I would apologise but I don't think I need to as you've totally taken it very sensitively and the wrong way.

Somethingsnappy · 09/10/2020 14:25

@OhToBeASeahorse....it hasn't! I think you may have read the posts too quickly! They have been simply drawing comparisons to 'risk' etc.

Nemma96 · 09/10/2020 14:26

@Hangingover they sense you breathing by temperature, noise and also when you do make a slight noise. Say you cough, sneeze or anything. I looked into this alot as my anxiety was hitting the roof. My friends baby died of sids and it scared me too much to risk anything

Magpiefeather · 09/10/2020 14:32

@Marzipan12 my second child is 3 months and is usually asleep either in a sling or on my lap for naps, so I just take him around with me wherever I go with first child who is 3. Or if I have by some magic managed to get him into his cot to sleep, I will play with dd upstairs so we can be near the baby. Yes I’ll take her to the loo / pop downstairs to get something etc. Cosleep at night. If DD wakes in the night I creep out of the bed but DS tends to wake up after 5 mins, don’t know how but he realises I’m not there! (He’s not alone even, DH is there at those times). So he then gets brought into DDs room and I sit by her bed settling her while feeding DS back to sleep.

As others have said, every parent needs to assess the risk themselves and do what works for them.

We’ve started putting DS in his cot for the start of the night And I come down for a bit of alone time or time with DH. Tbh he only lasts about 30 mins - 1 hour anyway so not sure it’s worth it!!

Anyway that was a round about way of saying I do see how you could stick to the “same room for all sleeps” advice with more than one kid. I don’t even do it to the letter but don’t find it that hard. Although I’m more of a “adapt what I do to fit in with what the baby needs” rather than “try and train the baby to fit in with what I’d like” parent.

No judgement just different parenting styles!

corythatwas · 09/10/2020 14:41

I think the point is Magpiefeather that you don't stick to it to the letter the way some posters have suggested you must. Also, you have a dh who seems to be home quite a lot. And by the looks of it quite an easy adaptable older child. And a physique that allows you to carry a 3mo baby around in a sling.

The fact that many parents have to work round a whole different set of circumstances doesn't mean they are selfish "have to make the baby fit the parent"-types.

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 14:50

@Marzipan12

Luckily i had my partner with me most times. But we did keep baby downstairs with us until we went up to bed. Baby didn't notice she didn't have a 7pm bedtime.

Elskerdeg · 09/10/2020 14:58

I still do this and mine is 17 months.
The extra sleep seems to be doing my mental health some good.

I'm sure some people have strong opinions on it but you just do whatever works for you.

Sceptre86 · 09/10/2020 14:59

I put my dd down on her crib for all naps and then I would potter about doing my household chores. If I stayed in the same room every time she slept I never would have got anything done. Dd was in our bedroom till she was 2 and I kept her brother in our room for 6 months. I didn't realise that the advice was literally to be in the same room whenever they sleep, I thought it was just overnight until 6 months old?

EmpressSuiko · 09/10/2020 15:01

Well I made a rod for my own back doing this 😂.
My DD wouldn’t sleep without me and refused to sleep in her cot, from the day we came home she co-slept with me.
I tired following the HV’s advice, I tried doing what the doctors suggested, she just would not sleep without me and would make herself physically sick if I ever tried to get her to settle by herself, I tried for 11 months to get her to sleep in her cot but then she learned how to climb out of it so I gave up and stuck with co-sleeping, even after buying her a big girl bed she either slept in my bed or I laid down with her in hers but she would come back into my room in the night anyway, then we had my youngest who was happy to stay in his cot for a time but then he became increasingly clingy so I was then taking two babies to bed and staying with them until they fell asleep and moving them to their beds or I’d end up falling asleep and my poor dh never saw me for the rest of the evening.
This went on for 6 years until they both had mid sleepers, it took about another year before I could just read them a story, have a cuddle, say goodnight and go downstairs and actually spend the rest of the evening with my dh!

Albgo · 09/10/2020 15:16

My baby is 10 months old and when he goes to bed, I go to bed. I don't leave him to sleep in a room on his own.
Lullaby trust recommends minimum 6 months, ideally 12.

QueenofmyPrinces · 09/10/2020 15:17

You are going the right things. I did this until my first son was about 8 months old. I found it was total bliss to lie down on the bed with a good book or a film and have a rest - and most importantly, some time to myself.

Clytemnestra2 · 09/10/2020 15:34

It’s amazing how the advice develops over time. I don’t remember anything like this recommended when I had babies 10 years ago.

No doubt in another decades time there will be new mums horrified that mums in 2020 ‘only’ slept in the same room as their babies until they were 6 months or whatever, when you really need to do it until they’re 5 or something.

The expectations put on new mums (and it is primarily mums) seem to get more and more impossible.

Babysharksmom · 09/10/2020 15:37

You can do both - put her down upstairs. Get a monitor With a screen and go down and enjoy the evening with your husband.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2020 16:03

@Babysharksmom

You can do both - put her down upstairs. Get a monitor With a screen and go down and enjoy the evening with your husband.

If you even read the OPs posts and skip everyone else’s you’ll see she knows that’s against the safe sleep guidelines.

AmIACowBag · 09/10/2020 16:12

Since when has this been a thing? I've not heard that before, that you have to stay with them the whole time, really? Well mine survived luckily. Is this new??

firesong · 09/10/2020 16:20

I can't remember with my older one, but when my younger one was a few months old our home was one level. So he was asleep in the next room and we would pop through checking on him and had a monitor as well.

coffeeandgin26 · 09/10/2020 16:23

@Marzipan12

My baby who I stay with is my 4th...I also did it with babies number one, two and three.

Cheetosforbreakfast · 09/10/2020 16:26

I never did this but if it’s what you want to do then do it. My younger two are only a year apart so The youngest went up to bed with my then 1 year old from day one in his crib in our room. He usually had a feed when we went to bed.

notapigeon · 09/10/2020 16:41

With my first he was downstairs with us until about 10 weeks, then we introduced a "routine" (ha!) and I'd go to bed when LO did.

It worked well for us because he was a horror bag at sleeping through the night and routinely woke every 2 hours until he was 2 😑 this way I managed to catch up on sleep.

He was around 6 months when we put him in his own room (camera monitor, sensor pads the lot), but I still went to bed most nights after he was asleep. Always regretted staying up to spend time with hubby as I'd be so tired the next morning, and my only reward was to listen to him drone on about god knows what, while I wished I was in bed with my glass of wine in peace 😂

Preg with baby 2 now, DS is 3 next month and sleeps great now (most nights)

Praying I'll be able to get a routine into this one much sooner and that it's a sleeper (please lord please let it sleep well 😭😭😭) if not, I'll do what I did with DS1 and know that it's only temporary and soon passes 😊

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