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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

250 replies

Genericnewnumusername · 08/10/2020 21:44

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

OP posts:
Onxob · 09/10/2020 09:35

I have never heard of anyone doing this! My DC are only 2 & 4 so it's not like I'm a million miles away from the newborn stage. I did the same with the Moses basket in the living room when they were teeny tiny but both were in their own bedrooms at a normal bedtime by four months. Everyone slept better that way.

I would have gone absolutely stir crazy if I didn't have my evenings to decompress. If you're happy to do this then keep going but obviously if you want any semblance of normality in the evenings then just get a good monitor (you could get one of those alarm ones that go off if they stop breathing) and have your evening with your DH! Honestly if someone told me they were doing this when they didn't actually want to, I would be concerned that they were struggling massively with anxiety.

corythatwas · 09/10/2020 09:40

@changerr babies having their own rooms is a very new phenomenon (and a very western one).

Yes, but equally so is not being able to step out of the communal sleeping room while a baby is asleep there.

Our babies slept in our room, but in the evenings I did have work that sometimes needed to be done, and with the second child the first didn't magically become an independent adult without need for her mother.

zaffa · 09/10/2020 09:44

I did the same as you OP. I stayed with DD wherever she slept until she was six months, then we had these wonderful few months reprieve and she would sleep in her crib until I came to bed and then her sleep got rubbish again and now she sleeps in my bed so I often come up with her because I'm worried she will roll out of the bed if she's alone.
Just recently I've been thinking about a camera to keep an eye on her (and a substantial pillow barrier) and I've gone down a few times just to get some chores done but we will need a better solution in a few weeks as I'm back to work and will have lots of night time chores to do.

6PeopleInAPubSafeHomeUnsafe · 09/10/2020 09:48

I did has he was BF and fed at 6pm,8pm and 10pm then 3am then slept until 6 and I was poorly with PE and side effects until aaaages after birth. Laid down with my iPad for tv and a flask of drink. Worked for me and gave STBXH chance to do his marking and stuff as he's a teacher. Depends on your babies sleep he was very reliable with those times and this worked for us. He dropped the 3am at 6 months which was glorious. 10-6 every night solid 🤩.

Osirus · 09/10/2020 09:50

OP, do exactly what you feel is right and what works for you.

It’s what I did, and I had a great time as a first time mum, and I had a very contented, secure baby.

Follow your instincts, they are there for a reason.

Clytemnestra2 · 09/10/2020 09:57

I didn’t do anything like this, but if it suits you...

I’d be more concerned that it’s you staying with the baby every evening rather then sharing the task with your partner. You both equally deserve a relaxing evening downstairs! And there’s a danger that if it’s always you who does it your baby will only go to sleep with you around, which makes it harder for her dad to soothe and parent her in future

ReallyLazy · 09/10/2020 09:58

Really? I have never ever heard of this and didnt do it with mine. Feel like i've stepped into another world. Is it new advice? I worked with HVs and this wasnt advice given out then.

Advice for babies is always changing. Do what makes sense for you and your baby.
I can see many here do it but honestly agree that its an MN thing.

Original poster
Genericnewnumusername · 09/10/2020 10:04

The reason it’s me is because DD is EBF so I do the nighttime ‘routine’ at the moment. It also means he can catch up on a bit of work and he does the housework stuff which works for us. He’s very good at settling her though and does a lot of the daytime naps. He’ll also bring her downstairs in the morning so I can catch up on sleep after doing the night feeds so he definitely pulls his weight.

Writing it all down like this makes me think that we have a decent routine that works for us at the moment - it’s only for a short amount of time, and I’ll start leaving her upstairs with a monitor when she gets to six months which is only about six weeks away so a tiny amount of time in the grand scheme of things

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 09/10/2020 10:10

People saying “how did we survive?” miss the important fact that some babies DIDN’T survive. The Lullaby Trust says since the safe sleep messages were first promoted, rates of SIDS have fallen by 82%. That’s a lot of babies who died and wouldn’t have if their parents had known about and followed the best advice.

zaffa · 09/10/2020 10:17

Also for day naps either she napped on me or (if I was lucky) in the pram. But I had a proper pram attachment with a Moses basket mattress in it that lay absolutely flat, not a lie flat buggy, and I discussed it with the midwife and health visitor who said it was suitable as she slept completely flat on a firm mattress on her back. I wheeled her round the house so I could move from room to room downstairs and still get my chores done. If she was napping upstairs for some reason I would be with her.
I'm surprised so many people don't know about this because the health visitor made a real point to discuss it and so did the midwives after she was born.
Also I got a lie flat car seat so if she fell asleep in the car she was in the correct position already and I didn't have to worry about her being in an awkward position.

Wales34 · 09/10/2020 10:19

My 10 week old goes upstairs at around 7 and we go downstairs. Works well providing yiu have a good baby monitor

MintyMabel · 09/10/2020 10:23

Because it’s the presence of a breathing parent in the same room as the baby that reduces the chance of death, no one is suggesting you stare at your sleeping baby for every second of the day

This has not been proven in any way, it is just a theory like many of the other theories that are thrown about.

I can’t imagine my baby was more likely to breathe nicely with my husbands loud, rattley, erratic snoring beside her.

workhomesleeprepeat · 09/10/2020 10:23

I come from a culture where it’s very normal to sleep with your baby till toddler hood. I say find what works for you tbh. I find talking to others about this stuff hard because everyone gets so judgemental. So find what works for you and don’t bother with “what everyone else is doing”

Uneasyy · 09/10/2020 10:34

What’s the safety benefits of being with baby? So you’d notice if they started strangling on a bumper or something? What I mean is, if you follow all other steps of safe sleeping - is there any proven benefit?

MummytoCSJH · 09/10/2020 10:38

OP, you're doing the right thing. Someone close to me lost their child to SIDS and I saw what they went through - absolutely horrific and it split the parents up in the end blaming each other for not doing more - even if it never happens to most babies after this I was so scared of losing DS and followed the guidance to a T doing anything I could to prevent it. DS (6) still sleeps in my bed a lot, people will probably say it's a bad habit but I love being able to keep an eye on him and he loves the comfort.

MummytoCSJH · 09/10/2020 10:42

@uneasyy this link has some sources:

www.basisonline.org.uk/room-sharing/

Wales34 · 09/10/2020 10:43

Reading comments with interest. Genuine question ( want to make sure I am doing everything as best I can ) what is the difference between watching baby on monitor in next room vs being physically in the same room ? What could you pick up in the same room that you couldn't on a monitor?

Yeahnahmum · 09/10/2020 10:48

Get yourself an expensive baby camera with" face cover warning" and "sensing breathing " etc. And then go downstairs and go on with business as usual. It sounds obsessive what you do. That your kid sleeps in your room is great
But you being there all the time until husband comes in: too much. Not healthy

Original poster
Genericnewnumusername · 09/10/2020 11:01

Ok I really wouldn’t call what I’m doing obsessive or unhealthy Confused I don’t lie there obsessively staring at my daughter as she sleeps - I have a cup of tea and read my book and just chill out a bit - again, not because I’m paranoid or obsessive, but just because I thought I was following the guidelines of what you were supposed to do!

OP posts:
SendHelp30 · 09/10/2020 11:03

It sounds perfectly fine, OP and if it’s working for you then carry on. I did it with our DD, nice time to sit peacefully and read a book or catch up on emails.

Carrotcakey · 09/10/2020 11:05

I’ve researched the breathing regulation thing and there’s not much evidence to suggest it’s actually beneficial.

Being downstairs with a monitor (video, angel care, whatever you feel comfortable with) you will likely be as responsive, if not more than when you are asleep next to the baby. Especially in your (brief at the mo!) periods of very deep sleep.

We moan about having no time to ourselves, relationships being strained etc...

I had an 8 year old and a husband that worked away when my youngest was a newborn. Should I have left him downstairs on his own every evening from 6-8pm to sit and watch a sleeping baby?

4amWitchingHour · 09/10/2020 11:15

@changerr

Have never heard of this and have to say it has got me chuckling hysterically. All my children slept in their own room alone from the day we got home from the hospital. How did the human race evolve through hundreds of years of mothers not sitting in the dark with their sleeping babies? Confused
It didn't. Babies sleeping away from the parent / carer is a 20th century phenomenon. The majority of families all slept in the same room for centuries unless they were super rich.
OrangeSlices998 · 09/10/2020 11:18

I just find it odd that this is the part of the guidance people are focusing on. From my friends mum who is a pathologist, she didn’t even know not sleeping alone was a part of safe sleeping guidance, given she’s never had a case of SIDS where sleeping alone for part of the evening was the only risk factor. And this is someone who has more knowledge of SIDS than most. 🤷‍♀️

corythatwas · 09/10/2020 11:24

The majority of families all slept in the same room for centuries unless they were super rich.

They slept in the same room at night, yes. Doesn't mean a parent sat watching by the baby's bedside every moment while baby slept or napped. My ancestors had work to do in the evening. Seeing to the animals, fetching water, locking up the hens for the night. Working in the fields in the day while baby napped. Dealing with the other children, keeping an eye on them, making sure they were safe and doing what they were supposed to. Chilling is great, but it's not a concept that would have been familiar to my greatgrandmother.

OP, seems you have a routine that works well for you and that is all that matters.

We lived in a poorer demographic and many of my friends could not afford to have two parents at home in the evening: they had to save on childcare costs by working shifts so one parent could always be at home. And that parent also had to see to the washing and food preparation and the rest of it.

Lollyneenah · 09/10/2020 11:24

You dont have to stay OP. I got an angel card monitor, its brilliant and tracks breaths, any concern and a massive alarm goes off.