AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

[Genericnewnumusername]

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

Crikey no. Good video baby monitor, leave bedroom door open and go back downstairs.

BABY MONITORS DO NOT PREVENT SIDS.

I wonder what needs to be written more frequently on MN - that sentence or the sentence 'no teacher on here has ever said they have the hardest job in the world'?

This is what I hate about these types of threads. Some parents follow guidelines to the letter, others make their own decisions based on their own risk assessment.

We had DSs downstairs with us until 4 months then put them down in the crib to sleep. We enjoyed dinner and TV until time for us to go to bed and do last feeds etc.

One persons risk assessment is not a failure on that parents part for goodness sake!

What happens if you're a single parent with a baby and older kids? You can't tie yourself to a baby to the detriment of your other children.

OP, if I were that worried, I'd just leave the baby to sleep downstairs whilst I had dinner and wine, and then take the baby upstairs when I was going to bed. Compromise.

I often go to bed with my 5 year old at around 8, but I am always knackered.

Not knocking anybody but I genuinely don't understand the point of this? Why is the baby only at risk of SIDS while you are in the room awake with them between 7-10. does this then magically reduce when your dh comes up and you both go to bed? It's not like you can keep an eye on them while you are sleeping so what's the point of monitoring them so closely for the extra 3/4 hours in the evening when you then sleep for a longer period of time (well ideally!) during which you can't monitor them at all?it doesn't seem very logical -either they need constant supervision when they are sleeping or they don't!

I would get a good video monitor and/or check on them every half an hour.

@newyearnoeu

Not knocking anybody but I genuinely don't understand the point of this? Why is the baby only at risk of SIDS while you are in the room awake with them between 7-10. does this then magically reduce when your dh comes up and you both go to bed? It's not like you can keep an eye on them while you are sleeping so what's the point of monitoring them so closely for the extra 3/4 hours in the evening when you then sleep for a longer period of time (well ideally!) during which you can't monitor them at all?it doesn't seem very logical -either they need constant supervision when they are sleeping or they don't!

I would get a good video monitor and/or check on them every half an hour.

Because it’s the presence of a breathing parent in the same room as the baby that reduces the chance of death, no one is suggesting you stare at your sleeping baby for every second of the day

It isnt about supervision. It's about the baby being with another breathing adult. It doesnt matter if you are sleeping, watching TV, eating or whatever else.

Again - a monitor makes no difference. And neither does checking on them every half an hour.

@ohtobeaseahorse...no, they don't, but surely a good video monitor being watched by someone who is AWAKE and alert is more likely to prevent it than someone who might be in the same room as the baby but fast asleep???

That's not what the research says.

@mynameisigglepiggle

I have three children and all my friends have children. I have literally never heard of someone doing this before!!

I think people have misinterpreted the guidelines. The idea is that your baby sleeps in your room for first six months. That doesn't mean you have to be in the room with them the whole time they are asleep!!

Eg the guidance says

The chance of SIDS is lower when babies sleep in a separate cot in the same room as their parents

If you are strictly following the guidance then both parents should be in the room when the baby is asleep.

I think the guidance has been misinterpreted.

🙄 you KNOW the guidance isn’t saying 2 adults should be in the same room as the baby. yes the guidance has been deliberately misinterpreted, by you, to try and prove your point.

you’ve chosen not to follow safe sleep guidelines which is your lookout but stop trying to convince others that the (clear and extremely well researched) guidance is wrong

if you read up ok SIDS although it's not fully understood it is thought to be about the baby regulating their breathing with yours that reduces the risk, it so much that you're watching them.

If we all follow guidelines to a t, your baby should sleep in the cot during the day and no where else, like the car, the buggy etc.
Guidelines bare there for a reason but it's not always practical.
E.g how would a single parent with more than one child manage this?

Research says they should sleep flat as much as possible. Lots of prams available are suitable for this. Car seats only have a time recommendation, no where does it say they shouldnt be allowed to fall asleep in them.

I was just using that as an example. E.g breastfeeding is recommended to reduce sids and yet we don't (rightly so) criticise women who choose not to/ stop soon.
Guidelines are there for guidance, sometimes bits not always practical to follow every single one.

Man am I glad my baby-making days are behind me.

First six months, fine. But to the posters who are doing this beyond that - it’s worth bearing in mind that your marriage is important too. As is your mental health.

Wow. As a mum whose children were born in the 90s I have never come across this. On the one hand I am thinking, "Really? How did our children survive?". On the other I am thinking that some of the things I did were thought as unusual by my parents.

I’d take a glass of wine and a book up to bed at 7.30 no problem at all!

I'd be really really really super duper interested to hear how posters like @mynameiscalypso @rattlemehearties go about their day.

Do they not walk down the stairs unless necessary? Do they never drive? Do they not cross the road? Because all of these things contain an element of risk.

Do not make out as if those who don't follow the guidelines are stupid, inferior or in some way a worse mother than you.

They're guidelines. Maybe research what that specific word, guidelines, means.

When I had DS the guidelines stated not to co sleep. That co sleeping was dangerous. That co sleep would kill your baby. Guess what the science says? That co sleeping done correctly is no worse than a cot.

So please, before you go about belittling others, consider that actual those who don't follow the guidelines might have actually done more research than you.

@ScarMatty

I'd be really really really super duper interested to hear how posters like *@mynameiscalypso* *@rattlemehearties* go about their day.

Do they not walk down the stairs unless necessary? Do they never drive? Do they not cross the road? Because all of these things contain an element of risk.

Do not make out as if those who don't follow the guidelines are stupid, inferior or in some way a worse mother than you.

They're guidelines. Maybe research what that specific word, guidelines, means.

When I had DS the guidelines stated not to co sleep. That co sleeping was dangerous. That co sleep would kill your baby. Guess what the science says? That co sleeping done correctly is no worse than a cot.

So please, before you go about belittling others, consider that actual those who don't follow the guidelines might have actually done more research than you.

My point was that people aren't making an informed decision about the risk because they are either not bothering to read the guidelines or misunderstanding the reasons.for them. If you decide that you wand to ignore guidelines, crack on but make sure you understand them first otherwise you can't make an assessment of the risk. There has also been so much misinformation on this thread that I think it's important to correct this because, without wishing to be melodramatic, lives are at stake.

This is a horrible scaremongering thread, and completely unrealistic for many parents, yet will quite possibly make many feel guilty.

I also have a 4 month old. He doesn't sleep well if I'm in the room because he wants attention, so from about 8 weeks I put him to bed at 6:30-7:00 and go downstairs. He also sleeps in his own room (against SIDS advice, but we needed to do what was right for our family).

The guidance is pretty clear that you should be in the room with them so OP is right to do so.

I would LOVE to have this dilemma though. DS is 3.5mo and not a chance of getting him asleep in his cot at this time! Sitting quietly reading without a baby in my arms for a couple of hours would be bliss for me.

Six kids, didnt do this with any of them. Eldest is 30 in December, youngest is just 9, so I went from Old Skool Rulz to the current guidelines and they are all still ok.

Get a monitor and spend some time with your husband!

Had mine 10 years ago and was aware of the guidelines of all sleeps with an adult. We did this without really thinking much of it tbh but had twins so don't know if that made it easier or harder.

We had a travel cot in the corner of the living room where they'd nap downstairs and then upstairs they'd either be in their cots or we had a Moses basket. Dh would go and watch tv or game and he'd pack dd1 up and take her with him to the study whilst I would have Dd2 with me in the bedroom where I'd read or watch a bit of tv. Dd2 is an incredibly heavy sleeper so she'd go out like a light and I would shortly follow. Dd1 more unsettled hence why daddy took her.

My sils all had kids around the same time or just before and we all did similar. I don't remember it being that bad but we had a very small house with 2 babies in it so it was easier to keep them with us than go up and down stairs as they woke (and woke each other up).

We did move them out of our room at 6/7 months though and naps were also mostly in the car or buggy anyway by 8 months.

I'd like to add that DH has sleep apnea. I can't imagine that his breathing would even remotely help baby DS regulate his.

Guidance is simply that. Do your research and make your own risk assessments based on them. You are.a competent parent with a deeper understanding of your baby's needs and best interests.