Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

250 replies

Genericnewnumusername · 08/10/2020 21:44

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

OP posts:
YenneferOfBattenberg · 09/10/2020 05:29

You are doing nothing wrong OP. You understand the guidelines, which is more than can be said for lot of the posters on here.
Agree with PP who said there's nothing wrong with making an informed decision, but if you don't actually understand the guidelines, then how can you do that?

I've followed them relatively closely (but not absolutely 100%) with both of mine, because that is what I felt I needed to do. I don't have any issue with other parents doing what feels right for them. I do have issues with ill-informed people spreading misinformation though.

Rosebel · 09/10/2020 06:50

At the moment our 4 month old sleeps either on me (for naps) or in his basket (at night) so at the moment he sleeps downstairs and we take him upstairs when we go to bed but once he moves in to his cot he'll be sleeping on his own (for first part of the night) even if he is under 6 months old.
I need time with my husband and older children. Guidance is just that a guide, not law. The fact is they still don't know exactly what causes SIDS and until they do no one can say you should be doing this or that, you just do what feels right.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/10/2020 07:11

I found this the most confusing bit of advice out there. Baby has to be with you at all times including naps but also put them to bed at 7pm? Are you meant to eat your dinner in the dark?

I too was fretful about SIDS but I’d really urge you to read the exact stats and see what the true risk is. I discussed this with my GP who said that basically the risk is tiny. Then it’s made even smaller by them being on their back / no pillows around etc. I think the biggest risk is having a smoking household as believe it or not there are still people who smoke around their babies. Drs don’t know EXACTLY why a baby in with you lowers the risk, it’s thought to do with CO2 but I don’t think it’s being proven. So the additional safety of baby being with you for 2/3 hours in the evening is only the tiniest bit less risky than without. Literally teeny tiny.

You can only do what’s right for you but I’d urge you to read up on risk / stats around it and make your own choice, but some of the posts on here are pointing the fingers at people putting their baby to bed earlier than them like they’ve taken the baby bungee jumping with knives or something.

We felt comfortable to put DD to bed before us at about 4 months when it was clear she wouldn’t settle downstairs with us and we didn’t want to go to bed at 7pm.

Ratatcat · 09/10/2020 07:19

One of the challenges is that the guidance doesn’t recognise real life really. With no.1 I did what you did, always had the baby with me for naps etc. With no.2 that didn’t work so well. The baby was so overstimulated by no.1 that she had to be in a darkened room by 7 from about 6 weeks.

Thatnameistaken · 09/10/2020 07:25

Evenings were time to feel like myself again. My DD would go down at 6.30 and that gave me a few hours to unwind, eat something that wasn't grabbed on the go, chat with DP. It was essential for my mental health.
But if you and your DP are happy with things as they are and you don't need couple time then carry on.

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 07:31

@ShirleyPhallus

I never saw any safety guidance saying put baby to bed at 7pm.

thisusernameismine · 09/10/2020 07:34

We did this as I understood you were meant to be in the room with them for the first 6-12 months. Especially when DD was a newborn, she was 5+1 weeks early so I wasn't prepared to take any chances!

OrangeSlices998 · 09/10/2020 07:35

Guidelines are just that, guidance. If all other safe sleeping guidance is followed, do we see deaths were the ONLY risk factor is sleeping alone? No, we don’t. If it works for you to sit in the room with your baby then do that, for me though I weighed up the risks and knew all other guidance was followed, and knew my MH needed some time for me.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/10/2020 07:36

[quote musicalfrog]@ShirleyPhallus

I never saw any safety guidance saying put baby to bed at 7pm.[/quote]
I didn’t say it was safety guidance. Lots of parenting books / blogs / family wisdom suggest a bedtime of 7pm is appropriate for babies.

thisusernameismine · 09/10/2020 07:38

We got a nanny breathing monitor to help ease the anxiety at the beginning (yes she still sleeps on this two years on but this is a whole other thread which I'm not ready to start Grin).

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/10/2020 07:39

Mine are late teens now but I never did this.
Please don’t forget that SIDS is incredibly rare.

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 08:03

@ShirleyPhallus

I'm inclined to ignore guidance that doesn't work for me, unless it's for clear safety reasons.

Leylafrenchie · 09/10/2020 08:06

I have two kids and I never did this. Once they got to the point I was putting them in my room then I would go back downstairs.

I did however have a breathing monitor mat which I loved so was always reassured.

afrikat · 09/10/2020 08:08

You are definitely doing the right thing and following SIDS advice.

Pesimistic · 09/10/2020 08:15

Do what your comfortable with

MasterPretender · 09/10/2020 08:29

I do have issues with ill-informed people spreading misinformation though

This.

To all those posters taking about making your own risk assessment etc, it has been made very obvious from this thread that a lot of parents still do NOT understand the guidelines if they're talking about a video baby monitor being enough.

toomuchpeppapig · 09/10/2020 08:35

My DS' are 2 and 1 this month and my DP and I stay upstairs every night once we put them to bed, and have done since the oldest was born. People think we're crazy, but what's the difference - we're just watching tv in bed rather than sitting on the sofa, and we're closer if they wake up crying or anything. (And bedtime is anytime between 6.30-7.30 so it is pretty early)!

welshladywhois40 · 09/10/2020 08:43

I would go downstairs and enjoy some time with my partner but the monitor would be on

Original poster
Genericnewnumusername · 09/10/2020 09:05

Thanks all - really interesting to read everyone’s thoughts! Apologies if anyone has found the thread judgy or scaremongering - that really wasn’t my intention! I don’t know a lot of people with kids so I don’t have other people to look to on this stuff and I’m very much having to find my way through it all.

OP posts:
changerr · 09/10/2020 09:09

Have never heard of this and have to say it has got me chuckling hysterically. All my children slept in their own room alone from the day we got home from the hospital. How did the human race evolve through hundreds of years of mothers not sitting in the dark with their sleeping babies? Confused

Dillo10 · 09/10/2020 09:15

Sounds like you are doing what some people consider the right thing - lots of differing opinions but I say better safe than sorry... Can your DH come up and watch something on the iPad or TV with you in bedroom? Have a glass of wine and some snacks up there?! It's just short term it seems... Either way you sound like a wonderful caring mum who is putting their baby first Flowers

Newmumatlast · 09/10/2020 09:27

I did this. Baby should be in the same room with you until at least 6 months. Plenty of people dont do it and everything is fine but I couldn't have forgiven myself if I didnt follow guidance and something happened.

corythatwas · 09/10/2020 09:28

If you like to do that, it's fine. But setting it up as some kind of gold standard means anyone with more than one child is likely to fail- particularly if some parents also make it their gold standard that the baby must not be disturbed by ordinary household noises or even speaking!

Single parents are also likely to fail. Working parents are likely to fail because it doesn't leave them any time to see to household tasks, prepare school lunches or whatever else they may need to do.

Other posters have mentioned other ways of dealing with the issue. Monitors, keeping the baby downstairs until 6 months etc. There is more than one way to skin a cat.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/10/2020 09:30

[quote musicalfrog]@ShirleyPhallus

I'm inclined to ignore guidance that doesn't work for me, unless it's for clear safety reasons.[/quote]
Sure, you do you 👍🏼

OhToBeASeahorse · 09/10/2020 09:31

@changerr babies having their own rooms is a very new phenomenon (and a very western one).

I suggest you look up SIDS rates before you start throwing phrases like that around.