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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

250 replies

Genericnewnumusername · 08/10/2020 21:44

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

OP posts:
ScarMatty · 09/10/2020 11:41

@mynameiscalypso

But people also need to understand how much the risk increases. It's sold as if the risk increases by a major amount, but it's not.

There's a difference between the risk increasing for example from 0.40% to 0.45% when compared with 0.40% to 15%. But all people say is "you're increasing the risk" which isn't actually helpful

Because then the knock on effect is often in 6 months time those same pressured parents are on here saying "I've not spent an evening with my husband in 6 months my marriage is breaking" all because they were scared and only told part of the information

I find it very dangerous to say "this is what's best for your baby" with nothing else to follow. Because some mothers then believe that they have to do what's best at the sacrifice of sometimes more important things.

It's like the whole "breast is best". Breast might be best, but not at the cost of your physical/emotional health, then it's not best.

romany4 · 09/10/2020 11:45

I've never heard of this and certainly never did this with my babies.
I did check on them regularly but that's all

mynameiscalypso · 09/10/2020 11:52

[quote ScarMatty]@mynameiscalypso

But people also need to understand how much the risk increases. It's sold as if the risk increases by a major amount, but it's not.

There's a difference between the risk increasing for example from 0.40% to 0.45% when compared with 0.40% to 15%. But all people say is "you're increasing the risk" which isn't actually helpful

Because then the knock on effect is often in 6 months time those same pressured parents are on here saying "I've not spent an evening with my husband in 6 months my marriage is breaking" all because they were scared and only told part of the information

I find it very dangerous to say "this is what's best for your baby" with nothing else to follow. Because some mothers then believe that they have to do what's best at the sacrifice of sometimes more important things.

It's like the whole "breast is best". Breast might be best, but not at the cost of your physical/emotional health, then it's not best. [/quote]
I work I'm risk management so I totally get it. I also however know how bad peoples are generally at assessing and quantifying risk.

I work on the basis that risk level = likelihood x impact. The former is obviously very low but the latter is immense and therefore it makes sense to me to do everything I can to mitigate that risk (even though I know the likelihood is very very small). Other people may make different decisions. I think all that I - and others - are saying is that you should understand the risk and how you mitigate it before making a decision. The number of people who think, for example, that baby monitors mitigate this risk shows that a large number of people haven't done this.

Mmsnet101 · 09/10/2020 12:01

I think this is really common for recent mums, because that's the guidance but back in the day you were encouraged to leave the lo to be independent etc so that's why you'll get mixed opinions I think.

I did this, although a bit later on as 3/4 month sleep regression meant DD refused to sleep other than cat nap on me until midnight for a looooong while, so was probably only for a month or so until she could be left.

Now I understand why so many people have a TV in their bedroom these days!

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 12:03

@Yeahnahmum

Get yourself an expensive baby camera with" face cover warning" and "sensing breathing " etc. And then go downstairs and go on with business as usual. It sounds obsessive what you do. That your kid sleeps in your room is great But you being there all the time until husband comes in: too much. Not healthy
What a disgusting post. Following safe sleeping guidelines is far from obsessive. What right do you have to call OP's approach unhealthy? So many damaging posts in this thread but this one.... Biscuit
musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 12:06

@Wales34

Reading comments with interest. Genuine question ( want to make sure I am doing everything as best I can ) what is the difference between watching baby on monitor in next room vs being physically in the same room ? What could you pick up in the same room that you couldn't on a monitor?
It's been answered many times on this thread but I'll repeat it again.

Baby's breathing is regulated by the presence of a care giver also breathing in the same space.

The point is not to watch baby (therefore being asleep is fine), but to provide that additional safety net. A monitor cannot provide this, so a monitor is not an adequate substitute.

Shxx · 09/10/2020 12:07

No issues why not

perfumeistooexpensive · 09/10/2020 12:09

Guidelines change regularly. I followed them with DC1. Babies must sleep on their tummies, must have a cot bumper, must sleep without a pillow with head at the top of the cot. Normal to sleep in their own room from day one. We were told to start giving baby rice from six weeks. I mixed it with my breast milk. I wonder what the guidance will be in another 40 years? Being an anxious FTM is also normal. One of my friends, all those years ago, was hysterically phoning the doctor from a phone box at 2am because he wouldn't sleep. No internet, no easily accessed Dr Google. I think I'd have loved MN back then!

MintyMabel · 09/10/2020 12:18

I got an angel card monitor, its brilliant and tracks breaths, any concern and a massive alarm goes off.

Every cot had these in SCBU when we were in. The number of alarms going off in error was way more than the number who needed attention. In fact, in our 4 week stay there, only one time did a baby need attention. The alarms went off several times a day.

These have their place for sure, but only really if there is a real risk identified. The mass marketing equipment that should really only be used in a medically advised setting really annoys me. See also: home Doppler readers.

MintyMabel · 09/10/2020 12:19

Baby's breathing is regulated by the presence of a care giver also breathing in the same space

And I will repeat again, zero scientific evidence that this is the case. Purely a speculative theory.

lioncitygirl · 09/10/2020 12:23

Whatever works for you and are comfortable with. For me - we had baby monitors so I went down as I like my evenings to just unwind and I’m not an early sleeper. It also depends on the child.

CatteStreet · 09/10/2020 12:26

@MintyMabel

Baby's breathing is regulated by the presence of a care giver also breathing in the same space

And I will repeat again, zero scientific evidence that this is the case. Purely a speculative theory.

Drawing on robust and educated assumptions. And certainly (IIRC) has been tested in the bedsharing context.

Agree with MintyMabel about monitors etc. A lot of potential for a fals sense of security there.

As for guidelines changing, it tends to happen when we know more.

Brainfogmcfogface · 09/10/2020 12:28

My baby isn’t really a baby anymore, 19 months and I go to bed with her, I am a single mum though and have nothing better to do.. but have always done it.
In your situation with a young baby partner or not, I’d still stay with baby, dad can always do the same, it’s perfectly natural for a mum to want to be near her child.

HappyAsASandboy · 09/10/2020 12:34

My baby isn't just over 6 months and I mostly stay in the same room as him while he sleeps. I'm happy to go downstairs and get a drink/snacks etc while he stays in bed, but I go back up and watch stuff on my iPad rather than sitting downstairs.

Personal preference and individual risk assessment and all that 🤷‍♀️ To be honest, if I leave my baby alone then he wakes within 5/10 mins anyway, whereas if he stirs and can see it feel me then he goes straight back to sleep.

herewegoagain20 · 09/10/2020 12:40

My husband and I take it in turns to spend the evening upstairs with our 4mo DD. She's ready for sleep by 7 and unlike her big bro at that age will sleep all evening. One of us does bath with DS while other stays with DD. We'll all have had dinner together at 6 so it's not like we're missing out on food.

I am looking forward to getting our evenings together back - but it's such a short time we don't really mind. I know a couple of pals who do the same and some who don't. I don't judge either way but we're deciding to follow guidelines for now. Certainly won't be carrying it on past 6 months though...

coffeeandgin26 · 09/10/2020 12:44

I do this with my 15 month old, although we don't go up until
9pm. We co sleep and breastfeed and she is restless if I'm not next to her. I use the time to read and watch tv & enjoy the cuddle.

Before six months, a baby shouldn't be sleeping away from parents. It raises the risk of sids

AiryFairyMum · 09/10/2020 12:46

We just kept her downstairs with us, and she slept on my lap while we watched TV - they don't need a bedtime for a long time yet.

Hangingover · 09/10/2020 12:47

Baby's breathing is regulated by the presence of a care giver also breathing in the same space

This might be a stupid question but if you're sitting across the room how do they hear you? Unless DP is snoring his head off I can't hear him breath 2m away.

Somethingsnappy · 09/10/2020 13:22

@Hangingover..... I think it's not just to do with hearing, but sensing in general. So the same way that we don't roll out of bed (for example) in our sleep....this is a subliminal sense. The babies sense being close to their parent and 'hearing' them breathe is just a part of that. I'm not sure I've explained that very well! Someone else might do a better job!

Somethingsnappy · 09/10/2020 13:36

@Cheeeeislifenow and @ScarMatty, I'm glad you brought up the BF thing, as I was thinking about doing it, but wasn't sure I had the courage! People are often confident to criticise others for not following the guidelines about safe sleep (which room to put baby in), but would not dare do the same for the guidelines that suggest not BF babies is also believed to raise the risk. And rightly so. The way I see it, is that just because one option is very slightly safer than the other, doesn't mean they are not both safe options. In the same way that one method of travel may be safer than another (plane vs train for example), they are still both considered safe travel options. Personally I chose to BF and sleep in the same room as my babies, but if I hadn't been able to do this (or chose not to) I wouldn't have felt any guilt. Assessing statistical risk is very complicated and can make people unnecessarily anxious.

Nemma96 · 09/10/2020 13:38

@Hangingover its not about hearing a you breath its about sensing you breath. If they can't sense someone breathing they could fall into such a deep sleep and forget to breath themselves. Its just about regulating their breathing and helping them control/remember to breath while being in a deep sleep

SchmooobyDoo · 09/10/2020 13:38

I’ve never thought of having a video or monitor... Fairly low tech home here, anyway. My baby doesn’t go to bed early, so we go together about 9 to 10pm. Have a feed, a bit of rocking, some music. I just read if lights are on, look at my phone if dark.
My son is 14 weeks, up until now was in the newborn phase when bedtime was more erratic & could involve crying, different times etc... I’m happy to feed on demand, hold him upright after feeds, co-sleep when required. I just do whatever suits him. I don’t have any other kids & I’m on maternity leave.

Marzipan12 · 09/10/2020 13:39

Do what works for you. Thise who continue to bleat that the baby's breathing is regulated by the caregiver are either not parents or parents to 1. There might be a tiny miniscule bit of truth to it but the fact is when you have several children you carnt possibly stay with a baby every time they sleep. I suggest a monitor and enjoy your evening.

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 13:46

@Marzipan12

Do what works for you. Thise who continue to bleat that the baby's breathing is regulated by the caregiver are either not parents or parents to 1. There might be a tiny miniscule bit of truth to it but the fact is when you have several children you carnt possibly stay with a baby every time they sleep. I suggest a monitor and enjoy your evening.
Bleat incoming. Grin

I did this with my second baby.

Bleat over.

youdidask · 09/10/2020 13:49

How long would they be I. The room alone for 2-3 hrs?

If you have a baby monitor then it's fine to go downstairs.

You parent how you want though. What works for you.