Page 10 | AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

User24689 · 09/10/2020 17:23

I had my two babies in Australia (mentioning this in case guidelines are different) They are 5 and 3. I was told "sleep in the same room as baby" but from about 4 months or so they would go into that room first then a couple of hours later we would follow! we had a monitor with a camera on them. That's what everyone I knew did and the HV also raised no concerns at all. Is there any evidence that need your breathing to regulate their breathing? If so why are white noise machines recommended?

That time between their bedtime and mine was (and still is) my only real break from them. I found it really important for my own mental wellbeing!

1940s · 09/10/2020 17:28

@mynameiscalypso

You are absolutely doing the right thing - a lot of people don't seem to realise that 3/4 months is, statistically, the riskiest time for SIDS because baby doesn't wake as often for food and has a better idea of day/night so sleeps more deeply.

Most people I know gradually started putting baby to bed alone a little earlier from 5/6 months but only for an hour or two generally.

This all day long. I was on the previous thread that inspired OP. My cousin just had a Covid restricted funeral for her 4 month old who died from SIDS. He was asleep in his own room all night. He was 4 months old. It's a risk she hates herself for taking and one I would never ever take

RattleOfBars · 09/10/2020 17:29

At that age ours slept in her Moses basket next to us while we watched TV! She woke to bf every few hours so it seemed easier and safer to have her close. When she was about 6 months we moved her to our room and installed a monitor.

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 09/10/2020 17:32

My little one is 10 months now but while he was in our bedroom in the next to me cot I stayed in our bedroom once he had gone to bed but when we started transitioning him to the big cot in his own bedroom the I started going downstairs. I thought it was just the norm too to be honest!

mynameiscalypso · 09/10/2020 17:36

I'm so sorry @1940s, that's just heartbreaking

Original poster

Genericnewnumusername · 09/10/2020 18:23

@1940s really sorry to hear that - it’s awful!

I think that’s my thinking - the risk may be minuscule, but is it worth all the ‘what ifs’ for the rest of my life if anything happened, just for the sake of early nights for the next six weeks. I think this thread has confirmed to me that I should just keep doing what I’m doing for the time being

OP posts:

Magpiefeather · 09/10/2020 18:54

@corythatwas you are right, I am very fortunate to have those things. If any one of those things were different of course I would make different choices, and as I said everyone has to make the choice that’s right for them! All I was saying is it is possible with an older one. Maybe not for all, but for some.

Also I apologise if the thing about parenting styles came out wrong, not saying those who get baby to fit in with their lives are selfish, not at all, just a different style of parenting!

OhToBeASeahorse · 09/10/2020 19:23

Honestly OP you're doing nothing wrong, if you feel more comfortable with it then crack on. I'm aghast at a poster suggesting this is unhealthy. If you were struggling (like I did) it would be more complicated but if you're happy, and you are doing the best possible.thing for your baby too, then that's brilliant.

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 19:30

So sorry for your family @1940s. I can't imagine.

musicalfrog · 09/10/2020 19:31

@RattleOfBars

At that age ours slept in her Moses basket next to us while we watched TV! She woke to bf every few hours so it seemed easier and safer to have her close. When she was about 6 months we moved her to our room and installed a monitor.

This seems like the perfect compromise, and reflects what we did too.

HappilyHoppily · 09/10/2020 20:02

Safe sleep advice simply advises on what is thought to minimise the risk of SIDS. No, it doesn’t take in to account convenience - funnily enough neither does SIDS. No, it’s not all fully tested, it can only ever be done by looking for common factors in death cases and erring on the side of caution by assuming that correlation = causation.

In reality, for many people it’s not possible to follow each and every guideline. My first never slept alone. My second - well my aim is that he never sleeps alone, but in reality sometimes he does for a short period. But he 100% always sleeps on his back and is never exposed to smoke.

The people to ignore on this thread are the ones who say “you do you, it’s fine”. No, you do your research, read the lullaby trust’s guidelines and make your own judgement on what you can and want to do, but don’t bury your head in the sand and pretend that inconvenient guidelines don’t exist. (You being any parent, not specifically aiming at OP).

Rewis · 09/10/2020 22:32

I'm from mainland Europe and our sleep guidelines have no mention of this. I wonder if this is common internationally or just in UK.

SchmooobyDoo · 10/10/2020 00:15

Me & DH always do things separately anyway. So, pre-baby, it wouldn’t be unusual for me to be in bed reading & him to be watching some sci-fi shite on TV.
I hadn’t even thought I’m doing is strange, just like OP. Suppose everyone does things differently...

VeniceQueen2004 · 10/10/2020 10:37

I do get irritated when people say that just because not everyone can follow safety guidance to the letter ( be it EBF or rooming in til 6 months) it shouldn't be promoted as it might make others feel bad. And even imply that those who can and do follow the guidance closely are weird, "unhealthy", obsessive etc. No-one's saying parents whose individual situation doesn't allow for this are awful parents; but that doesn't mean optimal isn't optimal. Why are people so keen to promote the lowest common denominator as better than actually doing the best your situation allows for?

VeniceQueen2004 · 10/10/2020 10:57

In other words OP - as long as you're happy doing what you're doing, well done and keep it up!

ScarMatty · 10/10/2020 11:26

@VeniceQueen2004

I do get irritated when people say that just because not everyone can follow safety guidance to the letter ( be it EBF or rooming in til 6 months) it shouldn't be promoted as it might make others feel bad. And even imply that those who can and do follow the guidance closely are weird, "unhealthy", obsessive etc. No-one's saying parents whose individual situation doesn't allow for this are awful parents; but that doesn't mean optimal isn't optimal. Why are people so keen to promote the lowest common denominator as better than actually doing the best your situation allows for?

I think I have an issue more with the way it's promoted.

Like my previous argument said, 'breast is best' is flung around and promoted as the optimal, but does that actually help anyone who is struggling to breastfeed? No.

A blanket statement very rarely helps anyone or anything as it often leads to lack of awareness, knowledge and pressure.

musicalfrog · 10/10/2020 11:36

"Like my previous argument said, 'breast is best' is flung around and promoted as the optimal, but does that actually help anyone who is struggling to breastfeed? No."

But it might help someone who is expecting a baby and has never looked into any of this information before.

1940s · 10/10/2020 12:19

@musicalfrog

"Like my previous argument said, 'breast is best' is flung around and promoted as the optimal, but does that actually help anyone who is struggling to breastfeed? No."

But it might help someone who is expecting a baby and has never looked into any of this information before.

Helped me when I was struggling to breastfeed. I'm glad I'd heard repetitively that breast is best from all sources so that when I was uncomfortable breastfeeding my newborn I knew it was worth carrying on. Won't work for everyone but did for me, and if anyone asks my opinion on how they should feed (I can't see that situation arising I would say breast is best)

ScarMatty · 10/10/2020 12:37

@1940s

I think there's a difference between being uncomfortable and physically struggling/finding it impossible

1940s · 10/10/2020 12:48

Yes of course there's a difference. But the breast is best shouldn't be banished from
Being mentioned as it helps a lot of people preserver.

1940s · 10/10/2020 12:49

And when I say uncomfortable I mean tongue tie / mastitis/ cracked nipples etc. For me it helped

changerr · 10/10/2020 13:31

@perfumeistooexpensive

Guidelines change regularly. I followed them with DC1. Babies must sleep on their tummies, must have a cot bumper, must sleep without a pillow with head at the top of the cot. Normal to sleep in their own room from day one. We were told to start giving baby rice from six weeks. I mixed it with my breast milk. I wonder what the guidance will be in another 40 years? Being an anxious FTM is also normal. One of my friends, all those years ago, was hysterically phoning the doctor from a phone box at 2am because he wouldn't sleep. No internet, no easily accessed Dr Google. I think I'd have loved MN back then!

This^

When first child was born we were told babies had to sleep on tummies or world would come to an end. When second was born it was during weird period when we were told to put them to sleep on their sides(!) with a rolled up towel behind them, if you can believe it. With third DD they absolutely had to be placed on their backs. No idea what it is now, but I guarantee it will change again.

As for PP who proclaimed this with great faux-authority:

"It's been answered many times on this thread but I'll repeat it again.

Baby's breathing is regulated by the presence of a care giver also breathing in the same space."

That is a theory and has not been proven. I call absolute gold plated bullshit.

changerr · 10/10/2020 13:33

All that said, OP - it sounds like you've got a great routine that works for you! That's wonderful and it sounds like you have a happy and healthy baby.

Threelilducks · 10/10/2020 13:39

I kept my baby downstairs until about 4 months then upstairs at about 8pm with a monitor on and me downstairs. It's nice to have a break and I can hear for any noises. I think it's important to learn how to relax. You have to survive it as a parent too

SoloMummy · 10/10/2020 15:12

@Genericnewnumusername

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

This was why I never had a moses basket, but instead used a carrycot and frame, so baby until over 6 months slept in this downstairs. Then I think I managed a bit linger by not using the frame, before putting to sleep on a mattress in the front room. I would not have left my lo asleep earlier than necessary. Even when sleeping in the pram in the garden, I was either in the kitchen and watching through the window or sat on a chair nearby, be it through a window or in the garden.

Plenty out their young babies in a room very early. I wasn't and couldn't have taken that absolutely unnecessary risk.