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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?

250 replies

Genericnewnumusername · 08/10/2020 21:44

A genuine question off the back of a comment I made on another thread. My DD is four months old - when she was a teeny newborn she’d sleep downstairs in the Moses basket until my husband and I were ready for bed then we’d all go up together. However, for the past probably six weeks or so she’s been having a more regular ‘bedtime’ at about 7.30/8ish. So I bring her up to bed and put her down to sleep, then I stay in the bedroom with her until my husband comes up to bed at a normal time. I’m a FTM and I thought this was what you were supposed to do - stay with your sleeping baby until six months to decrease SIDS risk. However I mentioned this on another thread as if it was an obvious thing that everyone did, and was met with replies saying no one actually does this and it’s just a MN thing, not something anyone actually does in real life.

So AIBU and all PFB to do this? I’d love to go back downstairs and watch tv with DH in the evenings instead but I genuinely just thought I was doing what everyone does!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 08/10/2020 23:05

[quote Genericnewnumusername]@Pumpkinnose from what I’ve read it’s not about you being there ‘watching’ or watching on the monitor. It’s about the fact that the baby is more likely to regulate breathing properly if they are in a room with other people. A monitor isn’t a substitute for this[/quote]
I did not know this! Good job I did the same as you then!

Babyboomtastic · 08/10/2020 23:05

If it's about them hearing you breathe, then having then in a Moses basket whilst you watch TV, is pointless. Or you may as well record your breathing and play it on loop next to them?

Or it could be increased CO2 levels in the room, but then that will be very affected by things like room size.

I kept them downstairs until they got too disturbed by it (between 3-4m) and then used a monitor. Obviously they were in a room with me overnight. Daytime naps were vaguely in my vicinity - for my first it would often be in the lounge, but I'd potter round downstairs, go for a shower etc. For my second, the baby was often in a second room as he didn't sleep v.deeply (still doesn't) and so was v easily woken by my 2 year old otherwise.

BubblyBarbara · 08/10/2020 23:05

Just get one of those pressure monitors that alarms if baby doesn’t move or stop breathing. It’ll do a better job and you’ll gain the freedom . It’s not like you can watch all night anyway

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2020 23:07

@Honeybobbin my second slept with me downstairs until 6 months. If my husband was away he'd just come and do the bedtime routine with my eldest (he either slept while I read to her or I just fed him). In the daytime he either napped in the pram at toddler groups/ walking there and back or we juggled it the best we could at home.

We managed it. As I said upthread I was really anxious about SIDS. When I was a child a family member lost a baby to SIDS and I wanted to ensure I followed the guidelines.

mynameisigglepiggle · 08/10/2020 23:09

I have three children and all my friends have children. I have literally never heard of someone doing this before!!

I think people have misinterpreted the guidelines. The idea is that your baby sleeps in your room for first six months. That doesn't mean you have to be in the room with them the whole time they are asleep!!

Eg the guidance says

The chance of SIDS is lower when babies sleep in a separate cot in the same room as their parents

If you are strictly following the guidance then both parents should be in the room when the baby is asleep.

I think the guidance has been misinterpreted.

Liftupthereceiver · 08/10/2020 23:09

Mine was upstairs, in a cot, alone, asleep from the time her colic stopped. And for all the OUTRAGED out there, mine is profoundly Deaf so I could have breathed as loudly as a pneumatic drill and she wouldn't have heard it. I kept her as safe as I could but hearing me breath was never the clincher.

Uneasyy · 08/10/2020 23:11

I didn’t even know this was a ‘thing’ My babies were all downstairs with us in Moses basket till (our) bedtime until they were about 3-4 months old. From there, they went up at 7.30ish

LouiseTrees · 08/10/2020 23:11

@BubblyBarbara

Just get one of those pressure monitors that alarms if baby doesn’t move or stop breathing. It’ll do a better job and you’ll gain the freedom . It’s not like you can watch all night anyway
I should also note I have an Owlet sock breathing monitor so that might give you some piece of mind too. The pressure pad things are a pain in the bum!
musicalfrog · 08/10/2020 23:12

@yellow055

Your breathing helps to regulate there breathing . It's part of safe sleeping guidelines.
A hundred times this!

Your breathing will also help keep baby sleeping soundly so you don't need to resettle so often. When mine used to stir, i would deliberately breathe a little louder and she would relax again without waking. It still works with as a toddler/preschooler (we cosleep for part of the night).

CostaCosta · 08/10/2020 23:14

I did this but only because ds woke up all the time, I found it easier to just have him in bed with me. I stopped after a few months when he was more settled.

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2020 23:14

@mynameisigglepiggle maybe you're interpreting it wrong though. It says here they should sleep in the same room as you- even during the day.

It's ok for some to be more cautious than others. I lost a family member to SIDS so I was on the anxious side. It's ok for me to share my experiences too (and doesn't make me outraged).

AIBU to go up to bed at 7.30 with DD?
OhToBeASeahorse · 08/10/2020 23:17

I really hate these threads because it brings out the wide eyed 'I dont know anyone who did this'and 'just use a monitor'when NO - that ISNT what the guidelines say. They are very clear. You are supposed to be with your baby while they sleep.

However - OP - to answer your question. I found it really hard. DS didnt settle downstairs so I ended up in the dark upstairs (there was the infamous night of eating fajitas in the dark on the bed!!!)
I really resented losing my evenings tho. I also tried different things, some nights we did one thing, others we did another. Dont put pressure on yourself to have a philosophy about it, do what you feel comfortable with

musicalfrog · 08/10/2020 23:21

Aaaahhhh I can't believe how many people in here don't understand the guidance. It's fkn scary.

It's 6 months out of your life to protect your baby at his/ her most vulnerable time. Smh.

MrsP2015 · 08/10/2020 23:21

I used to keep mine downstairs til we went up. If I had a second I'd put to bed at 7.30/8 and use the baby monitor with the breathing pad. The breathing pad reduced my anxiety levels loads.

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2020 23:23

A few people have mentioned breathing monitors. I mentioned it upthread. There is no evidence that breathing monitors prevent SIDS. Please do your research into breathing monitors.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 08/10/2020 23:24

I did the same with both of mine I wouldn't have left them on their own particularly before 6 months. We were lucky that they both slept well in the next to me crib and the tv etc didn't bother them so me and DH would just revamp upstairs with them and watch tv etc as normal.

Meatshake · 08/10/2020 23:26

I'd have lost my mind doing this in all honesty. Both of mine were upstairs for evenings at about 3-4 months. Laying in the dark until I was ready to sleep (I'm a night owl) with only a sleeping baby and my thoughts for company would have definitely increased my PND, and it was up to me to weigh up a slight increase in SIDS risk Vs a large increase in suicide risk.

A baby upstairs, monitor/breathing monitor on won't be that deeply asleep surely because there will be household noise going on- you'll be moving around, telly on, dishwasher wooshing or washing machine thumping about... As long as you're following the other guidelines regarding toys, bedding, sleep position, it's a risk I decided to take.

It's up to you though OP, you do what you feel is right for you.

mynameisigglepiggle · 08/10/2020 23:27

@NerrSnerr perhaps I have I was just genuinely surprised

As I said after having three children I had honestly not heard that before. I did have all three in our room til they were well over 6 months but I can’t say I was with them all the time they were asleep.

I can honestly say a health visitor or midwife has never told me that either. I can remember the hv when I had my youngest asking if she could check where baby was sleeping on her first visit as I was quite surprised. They didn’t check for the older two. But it’s never been said to me that I should be with the baby effectively 24/7 for the first 6 months.

Northernsoullover · 08/10/2020 23:28

No evidence to suggest that breathing monitors prevent SIDS? Have there been studies?.

AldiAisleofCrap · 08/10/2020 23:28

@Scweltish I don’t see the point in wasting evenings sitting upstairs when I could be downstairs having some alone time with my oh you don’t see the point in following the guidelines that reduces the chance of cot death?

AHintOfStyle · 08/10/2020 23:29

@mynameiscalypso

You are absolutely doing the right thing - a lot of people don't seem to realise that 3/4 months is, statistically, the riskiest time for SIDS because baby doesn't wake as often for food and has a better idea of day/night so sleeps more deeply.

Most people I know gradually started putting baby to bed alone a little earlier from 5/6 months but only for an hour or two generally.

Totally this
AldiAisleofCrap · 08/10/2020 23:30

@Genericnewnumusername we had a crib downstairs suitable for up to sixth months it only took up slightly more room than a Moses basket.

MintyMabel · 08/10/2020 23:31

I did the same, but not because of any risk, just because I was usually asleep with her. Until she STTN, those extra few hours of sleep of an evening were a lifesaver.

Moonshinemisses · 08/10/2020 23:31

Not something I ever did with my 4 but if it works for you crack on. What happens when you have more than 1?, you just leave the older kids downstairs while you sit in a dark room with the baby all evening?

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2020 23:32

@Northernsoullover this is from lullaby trust www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Movement-Monitors-Fact-Sheet.pdf