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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

463 replies

inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:01

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

OP posts:
Florencex · 09/10/2020 06:04

Your DH should not be saying those horrible things about your father. But I think his tolerance is pushed to the limits, even you say your father is difficult so imagine what it must be like for him. The visits are far too frequent and too long and it would drive most people round the bend.

If my husband asked me to move out so that his father could move in, the marriage would be over. If you want your marriage to end then go ahead with your plan.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/10/2020 06:24

During lockdown, with no visitors, commuting, socialising etc we were a very happy family unit. I can say that.

This could be one of two things - you do have a great relationship vut pressures from external factors need to be looked at - obviously Dm is not a changeable factor..

Or dh is very controlling and likes you at home .

SunshineCake · 09/10/2020 06:35

Yes, dh should feel happy in his own home but calling his FIL a cunt is unacceptable.

Your dad won't be here forever. He is your father, dd grandad and your husband needs to grow up and get some empathy. He'll be old one day.

Hyperfish101 · 09/10/2020 06:44

Agree with poster above. It’s a tricky situation but your dH needs to be nicer. Your Dad won’t be around much longer.

HaggieMaggie · 09/10/2020 06:44

Hi OP,

I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. A terminally ill mother, a young child and an elderly dad that sounds like he is starting to decline. I have two of those, D.C. are adult fortunately and it’s hard. Your dad sounds like mine was at 82 and was then diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s. He’s 89 now and massively worse, completely 7nable to care for himself.

It isn’t going to get any easier. And yet you are bearing the brunt of everyone’s needs and wants, as is always the case and also have a disabled brother/half brother thrown into the mix too? - I have one of those two sadly.

No wonder you feel like you’re having a breakdown. Stop taking the blame for any of this, you are doing your best in a shitty situation and desperately trying to work out how you can possibly manage it all without falling apart.

I feel for you, be kind to yourself and maybe dad is being a bit difficult and DH is stressed with the situation too and everyone has had enough of what they know is only going to get worse and more stressful and trying to pre-empty that now.

Calling your dad a cunt isn’t on though. Personally I think dad needs to come back closer to home and he needs a place closer to you and your mum so it’s manageable for YOU.

Because without you where would ANY of them be?
💐

HeronLanyon · 09/10/2020 06:55

We’re all under enormous stress atm what with wfh/sharing small spaces not meant or designed for what we now have to use them for etc. On top all the stress of Covid and you have elderly remote parent worries on top !! Blimey. One day we’ll look back on this period.
Lots of good advice above.

Looks like you and dh need proper calm discussion about things. Your dh visits are long and of course will be tough for everyone in your family.
No excuse for your dh griping in the way you’ve described though and that’s really worrying.
Been through elder parent responsibilities myself (both have died over last few years). My dp was so supportive and understanding and helped out where possible etc. Put up with a lot and did a lot to help. For several years but didn’t ever have to live with my dm or df as in your situation.
Think you have a lot to think about and deal with re how your dh is behaving and what you are asking him to put up with. Your priorities need clarity and possible action.
Good luck op.

Swiftnicola · 09/10/2020 07:01

I’m totally on your DH’s side here.
How long have the extended visits been going on for?
Does your husband have anywhere to ‘escape’if he’s working from home, because his life sounds hellish to me. I’m not surprised he’s calling your dad names -he’s probably trying to get out some frustration of the situation that he’s in. You haven’t mentioned that he’s rude to your dad, so I’m assuming he’s not.
Whilst your dad’s faults don’t seem that bad, a smelly humming man in a small space for possibly a third of my life would drive me insane, especially with working in the same place and paying him money for the privilege.
How many times does he call him a cunt? Was it just a one off?
Your poor husband doesn’t have an option to leave without most likely having to give up living with his daughter.

AyDeeAitchDee · 09/10/2020 07:05

Maybe it's because we both have pretty shit dads.

My neither my DH or myself could cope with the others father staying with us anything longer than a day.

I absolutely put my DH before my dad for everything. But again. I have a really crap dad.

My DH was the person who healed a lot of the mental damage my dad caused. And we've both called my dad a cunt so it's hard to judge your DH on that.

Maybe he sees that your DD treats you badly and you don't and that's why he feels so angry at him.

I've been the same over a "friend" of DH. My husband couldn't see what a piss taker this friend was and it made me hate the guy so much to see him using my husbands good nature. So it might not be that OPs DH is a twat, it could be him reacting to the dad. Who let's be honest sounds very controlling of their life - owns their home!

Straven123 · 09/10/2020 07:22

I can't help but suspect that DF is loaded. How many properties does he own? If he's had them a long time he will have paid off the mortgage years ago. It's 400 a month rent here for a small flat in a poor area of the country. Plus he will have his pension and any other private pension.

He has to find somewhere else to live. Is there no Airbnb anywhere near you?

It's nice DD sees her DGP but what is MUCH more important in a child's life is their DM and their health, and their DP's relationship.

tillytown · 09/10/2020 07:47

I'm with your husband on this, there is no way I could have visitors for 3 weeks every couple of months, it would drive me mad. He isn't being rude to your dad, he is complaining to you, which is fair as you're the one enabling the visits.
From your updates it sounds like your dad is not a nice person, he uses you and has made you believe that he does so because he loves you.

TitianaTitsling · 09/10/2020 08:09

Why is everyone skipping over the fact that your DP has already said HIS parents will be coming to live with you when they need it? is he doing it in a 'well your df practically lives here, so mine will too' but where would they fit in this house?!

TitianaTitsling · 09/10/2020 08:11

I don't understand the posters that say because the df is 'old' he shouldn't have to change his behaviours!

BorderlineHappy · 09/10/2020 08:28

Can you move in with your DM and save for a deposit.Let your dr sell the house or live in it.

Can I ask why your D's doesn't sleep in her own room.

You've no intimacy with your DH.Father being there and DC in your bed.

Where do you get the time to do couples things.
Do you still have a sexual relationship with your DH.

Lockdownseperation · 09/10/2020 08:32

@BorderlineHappy

Can you move in with your DM and save for a deposit.Let your dr sell the house or live in it.

Can I ask why your D's doesn't sleep in her own room.

You've no intimacy with your DH.Father being there and DC in your bed.

Where do you get the time to do couples things.
Do you still have a sexual relationship with your DH.

There are other places to have sex.
OliviaBenson · 09/10/2020 08:35

What have you had to have therapy about op?

I have to say I feel for your husband here. Calling him a cunt isn't nice but he's being polite to your father and venting to you.

I'm not sure why you feel that you'd need to move your father in. He's in his 80s but clearly isn't in bad health if he's travelling etc. Why would him moving here mean that he lives with you and you care for him? He sounds like he's got money to pay for suitable accommodation and care when the need arises.

I feel there is much more to this which makes it difficult to unpick.

I feel for your daughter too. She's the one that will lose out with delegated parents and a mother that is running around after her own parents.

Do you work op?

BorderlineHappy · 09/10/2020 08:57

@Lockdownseperation it's not only about sex.They don't seem to have any alone time together.
The dd isnt in her own bed.
Her df takes the DHS bed when he's there.

It's just coming across as the DH is surplus to requirements.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/10/2020 09:21

Honestly? You have been too financially dependent upon your father for too long. Your DH is saying some very nasty things. But it sounds like he is expressing some justified concerns underneath the nasty way of expressing himself - your father is invading your life & marriage too much and has too much control. Your DH is resorting to these nasty comments because you have let this go on for years and arent responding to him by making changes.

Your DH appears to be a low priority for you.

Your father has chosen to move abroad. He is a financially independent adult, get him set up with care support that he can pay for himself. Move out of the house so he isnt in control - if you can't afford that area, be a grown up like everyone else and live where you can afford. If you are paying him market rent you can afford that area, if you aren't, you are overly reliant on your dad subsidising your rent which is not good for your DH.

Do not push away your DDs father.

Lockdownseperation · 09/10/2020 09:32

@BorderlineHappy I haven’t seen anywhere that she says she doesn’t have any alone time with her DH. Maybe I missed it.

Lockdownseperation · 09/10/2020 09:33

@BorderlineHappy I do agree that their relationship doesn’t seem right.

tara66 · 09/10/2020 09:39

OP - if you are still there! - your father went abroad partly for tax reasons but if he has been spending 45 days (I think the number is now) a year in UK he will be liable to tax on world wide assets for those years. Does he know that?

TooLittleTooLate80 · 09/10/2020 10:14

@Mummyoflittledragon

Can you not see your father is driving your dh to distraction? He’s charging you market rent for a house he lives in 30+% of the time. (And no, I don’t think the distribution of money In your update is fair).He does nothing to fit into the household, steals your food, alcohol and thinks you should be waiting on him hand and foot. I am not surprised your dh is beside himself. The way your father treats you is beyond rude. Yet you think he walks on water and are thinking of ending your marriage for it. Wow.

As someone has just said, you don’t have a dh problem. Your dh has a dw problem.

This x1000
Waspnest · 09/10/2020 10:21

we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment

OP I think you both just sound overwhelmed with everything. I don't blame your DH for feeling bitter, he doesn't get to sleep in his own bed ever (it's not just about sex although that may be important, it's about just being physically close to your partner), he has to spend most of his life in a house with someone he finds incredibly annoying (two weeks of what you've described would push me over the edge - DH and I have agreed that neither of us will ever have any of our parents living with us) and he is basically living in a house beholden to his FIL so that you can be near your DM.

I would have a problem with the use of the word 'cunt' but swap it with tosser and I probably wouldn't so that's just a personal view.

You sound so tired of it all. Personally I'd
a) tell DF he cannot stay with you anymore. Your DD needs to be in her own bedroom and all the swapping round and instability won't help her with settling in it. Have an honest conversation about whether he wishes to come back here to live and go from there.
b) work on getting DD back into her own room.
c) decide what your limits are regarding your DM. Are you helping with her care or are you just visiting her?
d) if you're paying market rent I'd honestly find somewhere else to live at the same cost. I think even if you are unaware of it, the fact that your DF is your landlord will be skewing your feelings over this.

Only than can you really assess whether your marriage is worth saving. Good luck.

BuddyRun · 09/10/2020 10:44

Why doesn't DH move out with DD? Then OP can live with DF and be happy but DH and DD aren't separated by OP and DF's ridiculousness.

giantangryrooster · 09/10/2020 10:45

Perhaps the reason for OP's not quite normal relationship with her dad, lies in the the opening post. And the reason why they have not been gifted the house.

He went abroad to live in the hope of saving his disabled son some inheritance tax

Mydogmylife · 09/10/2020 11:00

@giantangryrooster

Perhaps the reason for OP's not quite normal relationship with her dad, lies in the the opening post. And the reason why they have not been gifted the house.

He went abroad to live in the hope of saving his disabled son some inheritance tax

Sadly though the arrangements currently in place as described by op are not tax efficient in any way, shape or form either for iht, claiming for non residence etc. All they seem to be doing is keep the op and her family in a very vulnerable position.