Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

It sounds like your father has controlled you his whole life. No wonder your husband thinks he’s a cunt. At least he tries to put on a polite exterior.

Does your father have some extreme political views that your husband doesn’t want to debate with him or does your husband just find politics tedious?

The sitting around in his robe, is this maybe and issue because your husband finds him smelly and he’s sitting around unwashed all morning?

You have acknowledged that you are unable to confront either father or husband. Are there any classes you can go to that will help you speak up for yourself and help you have the confidence to do so.

I would suggest finding your own place to rent. If you are paying market rent for your fathers house then you will be able to afford to rent a similar property.
This way you won’t be indebted to your father, you will have a bit more stability for your daughter if his property ever needs to be sold.

I’m guessing when you discussed either parents ever needing to live with you, you and husband said of course and discussed building annexes or moving to larger properties. Most people are idealistic in this but the reality is always different. Being able to afford large properties for everyone to have their own space is unrealistic.

I’m glad you are starting to realise that your father has bought control over you.

You haven’t said enough about your husband to really know if he is also a controlling bully, but I hope not.

What is your backup plan if your home has to be sold for care purposes?

Have you managed to save for any kind of deposit?

@Harehedge

This is worse and, not only is he not helping, he’s adding to your already considerable stress. A fair weather spouse is worse than none at all.

I think you need to be realistic about what you can expect people to give. He didn't marry his father in law.

In a way he did, though. Presumably he knew how important her family is to her. Mine certainly did and that looking after them was non negotiable.

If a male partner wanted his mother/father to move in with him and his female partner and that parent carried on the way the OP's father is there would be cries of 'do not let this happen"

My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

That is a lot for any son-in-law to handle. But doesn't excuse his calling him a cunt.

This doesn't sound like it can work out.

Why does your Dad visit so much?

Such a simple solution here ...

‘My Dad is fairly wealthy’

So let him stay in a Travelodge for 2 weeks every time he visits.

If he can afford the flights ‘for 2-3 weeks every few months’ he can afford £200 on a Travelodge or a B&B in your town for that time.

Your relationship with your husband is on rocky ground with the seelrate bedrooms. He must be feeling really pushed out, and having to make sacrifices again when your dad visits for actually very long stays! ...

Stick the old chap in a cheap B&B or ask Mavis next door if she’ll put him up as a paying lodger when he visits.

I haven't read the full thread but sorry, I think yabu for having your dad stay for so long in a small space which your dh needs to work. Yes, your dh said some nasty things but I can imagine is was a pretty horrid, pressure cooker environment by that point. So maybe give your dh a break and make alternative plans with dad.

This is weird because :

If I were your friend I would tell you to divorce your husband for his awful disrespect to your Dad

If I was your DH's friend I would tell him to divorce YOU because you foist your Dad on him for weeks on end knowing he finds it trying; out of sheer selfishness of your own dressed up as compassion for your Dad who if he to lives alone abroad and travel back and forth, manages his own finances and is wealthy, is not the doddery, frail, could drop dead vulnerable man you want him to be perceived as for the purpose of the thread.

Your DH is an unpleasant person
Your relationship with your father seems unhealthy

Thanks Starlight, I meant to say see Dd everyday - not once in a while. He is totally hands on. Their relationship is really great. Ours not so much. Possibly circumstantial but while the storm that is 2020, work, a young child, sick parents, is raging - how can I tell. I don’t know if we will reconnect, and recent events make me unsure if I want to.

I think you’ve had enough of your marriage and your dad is your way out.

Op what’s was your DHs honest position on renting a house that your dad owns ? Did you give him any say in it? Would he prefer it if you both moved out somewhere independent ?

I think it could save your relationship with both men.. you need to cut the chord and housing and finances is how your dad is letting you seek comfort in not doing so..

Just go find your independence with your DH.. and let ur dad visit your home as a visitor and not as a landlord..

And then find your voice and set kind but necessary boundaries

And then... when your dad is indeed in need of your care, he probably would’ve left a better impression on your DH.

No one likes their landlord to move in with them for weeks at a time every few months..

And don’t trivialise your DHs complains about silly things like humming and sitting in a robe..

I think he isn’t knowing how to express his frustrations m.

I think he feels threatened by your dad feeling overly comfortable in a house where he has disrespectful views of one of its tenants.

Men have subtle passive aggressive ways at getting under each other’s skins just like we do. Proving dominance and territorial... just flip this dynamic between a mil and dil and read all those threads about husbands not siding by the wife who feels gaslighted..

Your DH “feels” pushed out and “undermined” in his own home and threatened in his relationship by a man who acts entitled for his daughters codependency so that he can manipulate her to his favor, including undermining choices in her marriage and personal life..

He is seeing it in every action of your dad, his over confidence and perhaps arrogance while he watched your DHs insecurity grows and it gives him great power dynamic.

Your DH is being polite towards him for your sake... in reality he might never tolerate such bullshit from anyone else .. He probably never had to deal with that because he would just stay away from someone who would meddle like that in his personal life and not have to confront it..

So it’s a new emotional experience for him just like it would be for daughters in laws who have to face their mothers in laws passive aggression without a choice in the matter...

So he is going to the person who is meant to support him emotionally.. and is faced with denial.. dismissiveness.. made to feel like his feelings aren’t real..

That makes ANYONE go crazy.. so he called him a cunt.. because indeed, your dad has made you lose the ability to connect with your DH.. yes, he is feeling threatened for a reason and your actions prove him right.

Just acknowledge acknowledge...

“I hear that you are feeling frustrated by him wearing a robe in the lounge all day, do you mean that he is acting like the house is his and being passive aggressive about it?”

But you don’t need to agree... but first , hear him out !!

“ I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. You shouldn’t feel pushed out in your own house. Is it possible that it’s a misunderstanding? Did he do anything to make you interpret it this way?”

But then add boundaries

“But despite all this, if you need me to hear you out please just ensure you don’t insult my father. I promise I’m return to not deny how you are feeling and try not be defensive before I hear you out”.
———-

I promise you... your DH loves you.. and he will probably cooperate much better when he feels like you are both a team and non you and your dad vs him.

Sorry but you have already moved DH out from the main bedroom into the spare room - then for 40% of the time he has to move out of that again so your father can have it.

I can easily see why DH has had enough, name calling is no on but if you have not listened and done anything to sort things out then I can also see why DH has escalated it to that point. Perhaps to finally make you realise that he has had enough of being 4th in his own home most of the time and the one that always has to give.

I haven’t RTFT but why doesn’t your Dad rent an Airbnb when he visits? That’s what we do when we visit grandparents (also in their 80’s), because our needs aren’t compatible- they need peace and to take things slowly. If we have our own place, we can visit when they’re ready for us.

Tbh, I generally prefer to pay for accommodation when I visit people ( unless it’s just one night), because I don’t like disrupting their routines and a hotel/Airbnb is far more comfortable than some of the camp beds I’ve been subjected to.🤣. I will never, ever sleep in my in-laws basement again, for example. Four sleepless nights was quite enough, it’s a hotel every time now.

OP, you doing ok? Im sure it's been hard to hear the opinions of different posters tonight, myself included.

It's a lot to work though. But if you can find the strength to face these issues, I think you will find yourself much happier and settled.

If you're paying your Dad market rent I don't see how he's doing you any favors. Rent somewhere else for the same money, and tell him to find his own place to stay.
Your Dad seems to use money to control all of you. And moving abroad to avoid inheritance tax is insane. There are many legal ways to do that which could also support you and your brother far better. BTW, does that statement mean that your brother will inherit and you won't? The tax comes out of the estate before being divided up, so any benefactors effectively pay tax. It sounds like your father wants to keep hold of his money so he can keep control of you.

You're clearly beginning to see that your Dad isn't the saint you first thought, but this entire situation is crazy. Your DH sounds very angry, and if the only thing that makes him like this is your Dad, then perhaps pay attention to that.

I’d put my dad above my husband every time !

Shortfeet

And you DH should probably put his mother over you everytime! Regardless of the situation

I am more agreeing with your DH

No your DH has not handled it well but I guarantee if I was your DH I would not have called names & acted as he did but I would be giving you an ultimatum myself and following through.

As I would expect my husband to do with me if I was carrying on the way you are.

And with your husband there or not I do not think this is healthy for your child anyway

Your husband sounds like a childish, selfish asshole to me. Dad or no dad, I'd reevaluate the relationship.

@Notimeforaname

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc I wouldn't let a stranger on the street say that about my dad. Your husband is a disrespectful loser.

This.

Who the hell does he think he is, to speak to you that way about your father. What a nasty, petty, vile little cretin.

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt,

Anybody who spoke about my parents like that would be given their marching orders sharpish.

I too have an incredibly difficult elderly father. He was verbally abusive and a control freak throughout my childhood.
He is a product of his generation( corporate loyalty to a major brand), long hours, drinking and all the rest. He took no time in his life to develop hobbies, many friendships and will not join in any activities in his retirement. I pity him. And love him, though he makes it hard. I am an only child so this is additionally difficult.

My husband is driven mad by him,and has been for years. It was worse whe he drank ( my dad), so we all stopped drinking whenever he came to stay.
But.
My position is that he cannot be expected to change at 85. There is no point tearing into such a man at such an age. I have made this clear to my DH many times, and he understands now.
He is what he is.
I will not fight about it. I acknowledge he is a righteous ass. But while I acknowledge the criticism as valid, I have made it clear I would not continue to allow it, other than the occasional moan post visit.
My DH finds other stuff to do when he can no longer tolerate him when he stays, and this helps.

Re your living situation. Maybe this is a large part of your DH's attitude - living on your fathers largesse and getting turned out of his space all the time. That would irritate me immensely were I your DH.
If you can - move, or buy your father out. Living in a house owned by your father, being evicted from his personal space with regularity and being expected to be fine with it and your DD still in your/his room because you can't be bothered train her to use her own room, maybe all too much for your husband, and I don't blame him - though his rants could be a bit more refined.

That said 2-3 weeks is too long for a visit. This is crazy from this situations perspective, especially when you know your DH has issues with him. I'm not surprised he goes mental because you imo, are disregarding him, rude as he is being, and his opinions in favour of your father all the time.

Your idea that your Dad finds a flat nearby is sensible. Your idea that you move your DH out because of your Dad is ridiculous.
Your DD still not using her bedroom,and the fact that you don't share a room with your husband gives me the feeling your DH is low on your list of priorities and he can see that. You seem happy to accomodate your father, but not your DH. Sorry.

You arent paying market rent, I dont believe that. You live in the SE, why would you still be living in that house if it wasnt that it's cheaper?

Why is everyone skipping over the fact that your DP has already said HIS parents will be coming to live with you when they need it?

I think your dad is a red herring. The truth is you arent happy with your DP.

Why did you say you arent allowed to be sad or upset with him? You sound like you dont want to be with him but FEEL you should do

I can’t believe you are putting your dad ahead of your husband!!!! It’s ridiculous.

@SuzieQQQ

I can’t believe you are putting your dad ahead of your husband!!!! It’s ridiculous.

I can and it's not ridiculous, look at how the husband is talking about her father