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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

463 replies

inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:01

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 09/10/2020 11:06

Finances aside @Mydogmylife
I'm thinking golden/vulnerable sibling, hence OP's need to seek approval, protecting her dad more than her own family unit.

biddybird · 09/10/2020 11:07

I totally get it. It's not about how DH feels about OP's father that's important. He should set his feelings aside during a visit for OPs sake. The constant griping is cruel.

Notcoolmum · 09/10/2020 11:15

He calls your dad a cunt?!

BuddyRun · 09/10/2020 11:18

@biddybird

I totally get it. It's not about how DH feels about OP's father that's important. He should set his feelings aside during a visit for OPs sake. The constant griping is cruel.
You're spot on. Men should never have feelings. Men shouldn't be allowed personal space or a home. Men should just give their wives whatever they want no matter how unreasonable it is. Women should obviously prioritise their fathers over their husbands. What's "cruel" is forcing DH to live in hell because OP is a daddy's girl who won't grow up.
Original poster
inthekitchensink · 09/10/2020 11:21

@Waspnest

we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment

OP I think you both just sound overwhelmed with everything. I don't blame your DH for feeling bitter, he doesn't get to sleep in his own bed ever (it's not just about sex although that may be important, it's about just being physically close to your partner), he has to spend most of his life in a house with someone he finds incredibly annoying (two weeks of what you've described would push me over the edge - DH and I have agreed that neither of us will ever have any of our parents living with us) and he is basically living in a house beholden to his FIL so that you can be near your DM.

I would have a problem with the use of the word 'cunt' but swap it with tosser and I probably wouldn't so that's just a personal view.

You sound so tired of it all. Personally I'd
a) tell DF he cannot stay with you anymore. Your DD needs to be in her own bedroom and all the swapping round and instability won't help her with settling in it. Have an honest conversation about whether he wishes to come back here to live and go from there.
b) work on getting DD back into her own room.
c) decide what your limits are regarding your DM. Are you helping with her care or are you just visiting her?
d) if you're paying market rent I'd honestly find somewhere else to live at the same cost. I think even if you are unaware of it, the fact that your DF is your landlord will be skewing your feelings over this.

Only than can you really assess whether your marriage is worth saving. Good luck.

Thanks, yes we are talking it all out and agree it’s going to take several conversations and we need to communicate better & more frequently. DH apologises for his words and promises to vent elsewhere, and to not lash out at me constantly when he feels under pressure. Saying that, I don’t want dad staying anymore at all, and I’m going to explain it’s been too much, too hard and he needs to rent. Dd needs to be back in her room, DH back in the marital bed, and the spare room as his office. We will move, but not while my mum is around.
OP posts:
Original poster
inthekitchensink · 09/10/2020 11:25

@CheshireChat

It's ok if you want to make sure the marriage is (or isn't) salvageable first.

You can actually bring it up after discussing with your father about using a hotel etc. Tell your husband that the whole situation has made you reconsider things overall and whilst you were willing to compromise and make things work, he needs to show willingness to do the same regarding the things that don't work in the relationship from your POV- perhaps Relate or something could help?

This has to be the priority now. I doubt I will ever get him to Relate but he will sit down and talk when I want. Think I bottle things up too much and then explode in an emotional meltdown crying divorce! Death! Gah. I’m much calmer today & talking lots with DH
OP posts:
Original poster
inthekitchensink · 09/10/2020 11:27

@tara66

OP - if you are still there! - your father went abroad partly for tax reasons but if he has been spending 45 days (I think the number is now) a year in UK he will be liable to tax on world wide assets for those years. Does he know that?
Yep, hence it was a waste of time!
OP posts:
SpaceOP · 09/10/2020 11:28

OP, I think it's good you've got something of a plan. Wwe have a sort of similar situation here whereby SIL and BIL keeping having MIL for months at a time. BIL behaves appallingly and we all hate it while simultaneously feeling deep sympathy for him because he doesn't get a say. There are similar financial implications to you and so MIL and SIL seem to think that it is 100% their decision. As a result, it all starts to get very very messy and I can see both sides.

Your DH's language is unacceptable. But your dad's behaviour and sense of entitlement in your home is the real problem and needs to be solved for.

Newmumatlast · 09/10/2020 11:29

@FubsyRambler

You’d deprive your DD of her father because you want to prioritise your dad who prefers to live abroad most of the year? Ditch your husband, or just shelve him for a few years til your dad is dead and there’s just you and DD? Really?
This
Mydogmylife · 09/10/2020 11:30

@giantangryrooster
You may have a point there ! I must admit to struggling a bit with this one - I adored my late father and was more than happy to care for him at the end, and my DH helped me in every way and I know I was very fortunate in this.
I just can't get my head around why a supposedly loving father would leave his daughter/ granddaughter in such a vulnerable position financially when it doesn't seem necessary - if he has plenty cash why is he taking full market rent for example merely to pay tax on it and make it harder presumably for op family to save for the home they will need when he passes or requires full time care. He seems fit at the moment , travelling the world etc so could easily stay elsewhere on his fairly long visits rather than squash into a small house which is surely as uncomfortable for him as the rest of the family. The whole dynamic seems off, with a distinct lack of consideration from dad for his own family. DH has not covered himself in glory with the name calling but perhaps he perceives ops dad as controlling ( as I do) rather than anything else.

ChronicallyCurious · 09/10/2020 11:30

My Mother is the most difficult (and toxic) person I have ever met and if my DP spoke about her like that he’d be out on his arse and he knows it. Sometimes he’ll pull me up on comments she’s said to me and tell me it’s not on but he’d never make personal digs about the way she ... smells? Your husband sounds like a bully.

Original poster
inthekitchensink · 09/10/2020 11:32

@MrsNotNice
Thank you for taking the time to write that, I really appreciate it. I will be rereading that

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 09/10/2020 11:32

This sounds like a good plan

Mydogmylife · 09/10/2020 11:34

Op glad to see your updates and hope all goes well - keeping talking to your DH and neither of you bottling it up is key I think.

TitianaTitsling · 09/10/2020 11:34

@biddybird

I totally get it. It's not about how DH feels about OP's father that's important. He should set his feelings aside during a visit for OPs sake. The constant griping is cruel.
Is that the op df's constant griping?
WhatWouldJKRDo · 09/10/2020 11:35

I hope you get a little time and space to yourself, OP. You’re pulled in many directions and you sound at the end of your tether.

Good on you for not letting your dad stay anymore. It just wasn’t a sustainable situation.

TitianaTitsling · 09/10/2020 11:38

Think I bottle things up too much and then explode in an emotional meltdown crying divorce! Death! Gah is that meltdown and threatening of divorce just at your husband, you never highlight any difficulties or unhappiness to you df. I'm glad you are talking because it sounds awful for him if that's how you respond to his unhappiness threatening divorce and blaming(?) him for causing your df's death?

MrsHSW · 09/10/2020 11:50

Have you told your husband that you don't like him talking about your dad like that? Letting off steam in an understandably tough situation (2 weeks is a long time if you dont get on!) is ok but he needs to understand you are upset by him criticising your dad like that.

However, I do feel like your husband needs to get a grip - when you marry someone you become part of their family and unless for good reason it's better for all if they are not in it, you do have to support and respect your partners wishes to see their family when they want. But this does have to be in a way that works for your family. I would really struggle having my DH's family living with us for weeks on end.

I love my Dad but there is no way I would choose living with him over my DH. How would your kids feeling without their Dad around?

If your Dad's health is declining I can understand the need to have him closer - an assisted living flat nearby might be appropriate and will allow you to feel like you are seeing him regularly (perhaps more on a on-to-one basis) without him being in your family's space. This will also give your Dad some independence still. Personally, I really don't think I'd move him in with me, he might soon have care needs you cannot handle as much as you would wish to...something to keep in mind.

Have a frank conversion with DH. Are you happy in your marriage?

Waspnest · 09/10/2020 11:59

Glad you're making some progress OP.

Hardbackwriter · 09/10/2020 12:03

I just wanted to send sympathy, OP - I was quite harsh upthread on your denial about your relationship with your father but you've really taken comments on board and sound so thoughtful. It really isn't an easy situation and there aren't any easy solutions but you're clearly trying so hard - do try and show yourself kindness, too.

Lockdownseperation · 09/10/2020 12:03

@inthekitchensink

There’s a lot for me to think about here, thank you everyone. This is what I’m planning to do. 1) back my DH more and move on from what he has said - he needs his home & family and I need to stop wavering in my commitment to our family. 2) tell DH the way he talk about Dad is unacceptable, and to find someone else to vent to 3) tell dad no more home visits, he needs to rent a flat or a hotel from now on 4) get some therapy to deal with my horrifically entrenched codependency and FOG 5) check out semi independent living for the future for dad near by 6) see if DH and I can reconnect, I have suggested couples counselling but he has refused. I think it would help us as I am terrible at communication as you can tell! 7) tell dad he has to find a way to release any money he has, so he can have himself a proper retirement and a base to call home without foisting himself on family in too small houses 8) try not to have a total breakdown
Excellent ideas.

I know your little one is 4 yrs old but the book how not hate your husband after kids might be helpful.

I may also want to think, I just mean think about moving your DD into her own room. If you can get her a 3/4 double then you and your DH can take it in turns to cuddle her to sleep and during the night one of you can hop in with her if needed.

Marimaur · 09/10/2020 12:12

I think there’s a wider issue(s) at play - lack of respect for eachother’s boundaries on both sides.

BorderlineHappy · 09/10/2020 12:15

@inthekitchensink i mentioned about moving in with your dm,is that not an option.

bodgeitandscarper · 09/10/2020 12:17

I think you need to move into a larger property if you insist on df staying. It's unfair on your husband to have him foisted on him in such a disruptive way, he married you not your dad. I'd be moving out permanently in his shoes. Your dad needs his own space either in a hotel or his own separate accomodation.

billy1966 · 09/10/2020 12:19

Wishing you the best OP.

Please look after yourself.
You sound very vulnerable.

Between your father being so selfish, self serving and demanding and your husband being so nasty and selfish....you really have your hands full.

Add in your seriously ill mother, it's clear you are drowning in the needs and demands of others.

Burnout is very real.

Mind yourself.
If you fall apart, they will all suffer.
Perhaps they need reminding of that.

Flowers