Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

The other child even said it would be something to consider when she's older, so it sounds like they're already aware that children shouldn't be dieting but at the same time that it would be healthier if your daughter was not overweight

@HandfulofDust, quite a lot of people don't have scales.

It is very very unusual for a woman or man to be significantly overweight and not notice.
Being overweight has become normalised. What is significantly overweight?

If they seriously haven't noticed then they're not going to take notice of random strangers making comments.
Who mentioned random strangers?

I generally don't comment about people's weight, and wouldn't unless they were droning on about it (like an ectomorph friend who keeps whining about being skinny when they are slim) or if it was causing health problems. People comment about my weight and body all the time, but that's their problem.

If, however, I was noticeably overweight, I hope my nearest and dearest would tell me.

The 9 year old showed more gentleness than most people do (as a slightly overweight person) she will get treated badly by everyone.

An overweight child told maybe they will need to diet when older. Well, it's true isn't it?

Tbh no child should be over weight, there's so much education on healthy eating now if they are over weight as a child they are likely going to be weight as an adult. There's a difference when growing and having abit of weight for growth and then being over weight for their age. At 9 they have zero tact. I think its down to you as a parent to encourage healthy diet and exercise without making an issue out of it. Replace sweets with fruit.

The girl was being honest, by your own admission. She didn't out and out call your daughter fat, but it was implied.

Don't make this a big deal. Involving the school, and the other child/parent just makes it more of a "thing" and honestly not worth the hassle and additional stress it would cause your DD. Especially as she's asked to pointedly, not to make a fuss.

At 9 they have zero tact

I don't necessarily agree with this. I've taught my dc from a young age that's its rude to comment on how people look.

@formerbabe I agree with you. I've always pulled up my DDs when they've commented about another child's appearance/disability. For example when DD2 commented about a classmate's 'wonky legs', I made it clear that this wasn't a kind thing to say. (That was about two years ago, when she was six years old.)

If it was a child in key stage 1, then yes I would agree that it was a case of a child having no filter. I remember that when DD2 was in Reception, she told me that a classmate had told her that her mummy (me) was 'fat'. It didn't upset me, because yes, I was overweight. But I did tell her that people can be hurt by personal comments and that she should refrain from doing so with other people.

Neither! The world is not a lovely fluffy place, people occasionally say and do hurtful things, teach your DD how to deal with that herself rather than charging in on a white horse.

This happened to us. In year 4 another girl told my DD she was fat (she isn’t, she’s a normal BMI but she has always been quite stocky). I did ask the school to bring up body positivity in one of the PHSE lessons, which they did. Don't regret it, I don’t make a habit of contacting the school about stuff like this but these kinds of comments can trigger eating disorders so I think it’s serious quite frankly.

Can't believe what I'm reading and the bitchiness to OP. Given the high levels of anorexia and bulimia in schools and the way girls egg each other on in those eating disorders, OP should absolutely take this up with the school.

@Cadent

Can't believe what I'm reading and the bitchiness to OP. Given the high levels of anorexia and bulimia in schools and the way girls egg each other on in those eating disorders, OP should absolutely take this up with the school.

Its because there's a lot of women on here for whom nothing is worse than being overweight... if you are overweight, then regardless of whether you're a child or not, you deserve everything you get.

I have a 9 year old DD and she does manage to curtail her impulse to say whatever she wants whenever she wants because she is aware of civility and manners! I agree with you OP and think that says alot about the other child's upbringing. It is quite an arrogant position to take, to think that your opinion and judgement about someone's appearance is worthy of being heard. It makes no difference to your life so why say it all!

@Cadent

Can't believe what I'm reading and the bitchiness to OP. Given the high levels of anorexia and bulimia in schools and the way girls egg each other on in those eating disorders, OP should absolutely take this up with the school.

or maybe the OP should do her job as a parent and ensure her kid is not overweight in the first place. It's being overweight that could trigger an eating disorder, not a comment about it...

My eldest is 8 and probably a bit immature socially. He often makes tactless comments which he genuinely thinks might be helpful but in reality are just rude. He doesn't mean any harm and often what he says is true but it isn't actually helpful at all. (Last year he told someone in his class who really struggles with maths they should try to do better because maths is really important for getting a job). We've worked really hard with him to develop a filter and think more carefully about what he says to people. It's definitely my job as his parent, with help from his teachers, to help him do this.

Unless it turns into repeat behaviour from the other child so what?
Kids say all sorts of things - far worse than this.
Sounds like you are over sensitive to it. If your child is overweight, get her into the healthy weight range (if no medical reasons of course!)
Kids and teens say all sorts of things to each other and unless it starts to be bullying behaviour you need to help your daughter understand that whilst some people say hurtful things, that’s not right and how to deal with unkind words.
Of course if this keeps happening or becomes more of a problem you should let the school know to talk to the whole class.

Franticbutterfly, that is quite a depressing view of humanity- surely we should try aim for the ideal with children. I think there is something very 'ugly' about a child being so superficial and hung up on how people look.

The weight of someone shouldn't be a discussion point, if the child needs to lose weight that's her private business. Bizarre that people think they and their children (by the sounds of it) have some God given right to comment!

@Goldenbear but children of this age and younger usually just say what they see and the first thing that comes into their minds! Children don’t have the tact of adults (many adults don’t even have tact!)
The child is overweight and the other girl noticed that and just made an observation about it. Doesn’t sound like she was taunting or being overly bullyish?

being overweight is a little bit worst than merely the way someone "looks"...

@Goldenbear you either

1. Don’t have kids
2. Have older kids and you are hugely out of touch
3. Have the absolute perfect kids who have the minds far beyond their age
4. Have normal kids but have expectations / punishments disproportionate to their developmental level.

It can be only one.

To be perfectly honest if she is actually overweight then it's just honesty, and the other child hasn't said anything wrong - maybe time to do something about it? I would probably say to my child that children do sometimes put on a little bit of weight before a growth spurt when they get a bit taller and even out and suggest she has this as a reply next time but get into sorting her diet and exercise balance ASAP (without actually saying it's a 'diet') so make more healthy food choices, smaller portions and suggest some fun activities together that involve exercise.

Your daughter doesn't want you to contact the girl's family. Even reaching out to the school and not singling out that girl your DD will still know that you are the one who did it. Don't embarrass her that way. Do your best to support her at home.

Can't believe so many adults, even worse parents, think this is fine because the ops dd IS overweight...I mean seriously, wtf?!

I know these boards are full of women who hate overweight people and think they deserve all they get, but I didn't think that extended to children.

Shame on you

There's TV and radio campaigns running at the moment to encourage people to lose weight, telling them weight is dangerous for Covid. A child is going to pick that up and may just be trying to be nice as she is worried for her friend. I would talk to the school, not to the parents, so that the children can talk about how they feel hearing these messages and also be explained that being underweight is bad for you too and in fact a much bigger danger for young women than overweight.