Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

Everywherethatmarywent

Would you actually say all that to the OP face or are you just being a arse because your behind a screen?

Really, would you say that to a friend who came to you with this problem? I fucking doubt it.

If a friend was coming to me and asking exactly what the OP asked? Of course I would tell her not to get the school to "log it", how ridiculous.
I would absolutely not lie, probably sympathise on how hard it is to resist buying junk food and go for the lazy options, would agree that her kid seem to have gone bigger and discuss the ways to tackle it - there are very good nutritionists around here who can help.

I don't call overweight people "fat" randomly, because I am not a nutcase, but if someone comes and ask I am not lying and playing the fake and pathetic "No hun you look amazing".

I wouldn't encourage a friend to make a fool of themselves and embarrass their kid by contacting the school about it either. I might be a tad diplomatic, I am not an hypocrite arsehole being all jolly in your face and bitching behind your back and pretending issues don't exist. HTH.

Will you also ask the teacher to do a general talk on the dangers of being overweight?
It always strikes me that parents of overweight children are concerned about the damage potential of them being encouraged to lose weight but not the potential risks to their health of being overweight
Good point actually.

because any discussion is shut down with the screams of "fat shaming", that's why.

OP says her daughter got fat over lockdown because she couldn’t police her eating as much due to long working hours @rich

I dont think the other girl did anything wrong. Healthy diets are important as long as the other girl wasn't intentionally cruel.

It sounds more like to me you have little bit of guilt that your own stress and distractions have contributed to the weight and are therefore overreacting

@IdkickJilliansass

OP says her daughter got fat over lockdown because she couldn’t police her eating as much due to long working hours *@rich*

it would take an awful amount of carrot and cucumber sticks to make a 9 year old fatter. It would be a poor excuse.

Much harder I guess with teenagers free to go shopping by themselves.

YABU OP it sounds like the child was just being honest. It doesn't sound like it was said in a nasty way. She has probably done you a favour as you can help your child to be healthier now.

@KLCD

I dont think the other girl did anything wrong. Healthy diets are important as long as the other girl wasn't intentionally cruel.

It sounds more like to me you have little bit of guilt that your own stress and distractions have contributed to the weight and are therefore overreacting

Do you actually tell people to go on a diet? Have you ever said that to some one you work with?

Just help your dd to eat healthily and lose some weight. Don't talk to the child's mother or the child!!

Presumably @KLCD is not 9.

No I obviously wouldn't. But would a nine year old understand how to deal with this tactfully? No. I'm not suggesting its the most sensitive way she could have handled it, but there is no suggestion this was said cruelly. Children often say things how they see them and should not have the same negative association of mentioning weight and health as such a taboo like adults.

@IdkickJilliansass

Presumably *@KLCD* is not 9.

No, i can assure you im not I'm not suggesting the comment is appropriate. But I absolutely can see this being something of childhood innocence. A lot of children see stuff as black and white and won't understand that saying that is offensive. If they have been taught that an unhealthy diet makes them overweight than a 'diet may be their understanding of a solution.

Its something my 9 year old would say as he is blunt as anything. A diet to him is cutting pit sweets and crap and eating healthy meals with veg and fruit as a snack. I think u are jumping to all kinds of conclusions what his other child implied.

Your daughter is overweight. Other child basically commented they are over weight. Stop focusing on other child and concentrate on getting your daughter healthier.

Kids can be too honest, I just used to say ‘People know they are fat, you don’t need to point it out’

I’d not raise it with anyone and focus on getting your daughter to a healthy weight.

Do nothing OP
Other than healthy eating and exercise

Agree with most responses in that the other child did nothing wrong. She stated a fact.
I think you Should focus on building your child’s self esteem and ensuring healthy eating. Overweight children tend to go on to have lifelong weight issues, I would truly do all you can to get it under control now.

This is the kind of thing my son might say (he's 8) without any mal intent. I wouldn't tell him off for it but I would absolutely explain to him that it's not right to comment on other people's size. People know how big they are and the steps to change it but it can be difficult for all kinds of reasons and making them feel sad about their size never helps.

People don't always know though.
I used to be friends with someone who had no idea that they were anything other than " big-boned".
Friend found out that they were fat and went on a big diet and lost 7 st. We went on a shopping trip to shops selling regular size clothes.

It's a lot easier to keep weight in check and learn to eat moderately and healthily than to lose weight.

@MikeUniformMike

That's an incredibly rare scenario. In the very unlikely event that someone genuinely doesn't know they're overweight it's not for random people to tell them. They'll find out from their doctor.

I have a friend who has struggled with her weight since being sexually abused as a child. She constantly gets people giving her helpful advice and it leads to more shame and more binge eating.

Assuming it wasn't said spitefully, the other child didn't really do anything wrong.

An otherwise healthy 9yo shouldn't be overweight and if they are, they do need to go on a diet. Not a fad diet, but the quantity and quality of what they're eating needs to be changed. That's a diet.

@HandfulofDust, I don't think it is unusual. The words people use like big, big-boned, curvy, fuller-figured, well-built, stocky, chubby, chunky etc mask the truth.

Women tend to get weighed when they go for contraception, and are usually told to keep an eye on their weight, but a generally healthy man won't need to go to see a medic.

I know some seriously overweight people and generally they use euphemisms for their size.

When I read the OP, I read "slightly overweight " as ' noticeably overweight'

I'm towards the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height, but if I was at the top end, I'd be fat, and I can bet you that people would be telling me, but if I was way over that, they'd be mincing around saying I was fine, or curvy, or that it suited me.

I notice that on the nhs web site they describe 30-60 minutes of exercise per week as moderate, which probably shows inactivity has been normalised.

@MikeUniformMike
There's nothing wrong with people referring to themselves as curvy while knowing that they're overweight. It is very very unusual for a woman or man to be significantly overweight and not notice. If they seriously haven't noticed then they're not going to take notice of random strangers making comments. What is certainly not uncommon is for people to be hurt by unsolicited comments about their body size from all and sundry. Feeling bad about yourself is not conducive to being more healthy.

It's also only issues around weight that certain arrogant people feel they need to provide a public service about to people in their lives. No one would feel inclined to point out that someone has had two glasses of wine which takes them above their daily recommended allowance. Nor would they feel they should give people advice about not sleeping enough.

I'm lucky in that I've never struggled with my weight. I do know people who have though and unsolicited comments have deeply hurt them. I also know two women who developed serious lifelong eating disorders partly due to comments they recieved as children.

Unless someone is seriously ignorant they'll be able to weigh themselves and work out whether or not they're overweight. They can decide what to do about it. If they need help from people with no medical expertise they can ask for it.

The other child's comment doesn't sound particularly worrying or unpleasant to me, just a little tactless and in fact it sounds like they're right if your daughter could do with losing a bit of weight. I wouldn't make a big drama out of it at all - just sort out your own daughters diet so it's healthier/be a bit more active.