Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

Agree with others you shouldn’t do anything for a one off comment. If it keeps happening in a mean / bullying way then go to the school. A 9 yo has not done anything wrong other than let her thoughts come straight out of her mouth.

Esthermoo0
Because one tactless comment from a 9 year old child really isn't the sort of thing to be raising with school.

Imagine if every parent decided the school needed to be informed every time a child said something their child didn't like.

If there was a bullying situation then I'd be suggesting contact the school, if the girl was really unpleasant (for example, being deliberately unpleasant and using fat as an insult etc) then I'd say a quiet word with the teacher would be appropriate, but a 9 year old observing that someone overweight might go on a diet in future isn't something I'd be getting wound up about.

The biggest concern to me on this thread is the OP's insistence that diets are misogyny, that the child is misogynistic, that diets don't work, diet seems to equal faddy eating, there's lots of excuses why their DC is overweight etc. It doesn't seem that surprising to me that someone who seems that triggered by any mention of diet change to avoid being overweight might have an overweight child.

If a nine year old had said "you're fat!" with no specific context, I'd agree that someone would need to have a word with her. But this does not seem to be what happened here. This sounds like a conversation that took a specific direction that this nine year old went with in a nine year old sort of way.

@ZezetteEpouseX

It will be logged incase the lovely lass has any more beneficial tit bits to share.

‘You probably need to go on a diet’ is a sickly sweet way of saying ‘your fat’. I dont care if they are nine - they need telling to mind their own business.

so they "log it"
who cares?

Even the OP admits her child is overweight, so basically fat. None of us can know the child, we are not making it up.

Obviously parents need to teach their kids you don't discuss people being overweight to their face and they need to stay politically correct, but 9 year old are still honest, and we don't even know the context.

Did the girl suddenly turn around from her chair, and told the daughter "
when you're older you should probably go on a diet". Bit weird, but they do need to learn filters.

They also need to know that with the obesity issue and people being just overweight as a standard, it's not allowed to mention anything without being accused of "fat shaming".

Would you actually say all that to the OP face or are you just being a arse because your behind a screen?

Really, would you say that to a friend who came to you with this problem? I fucking doubt it.

Everywherethatmarywent your comment will probably be deleted, but I completely agree.

The key point is that your daughter doesn’t want you to bring it up. Respect her wishes on this one.

You are seeing things which aren't there. Children are perfectly capable of noticing if another child is overweight. They have eyes. Misogyny, pressure to confirm and the 'dangers' of dieting don't come into this. Are you projecting here?
If you could channel half of this energy into reviewing what your family has been eating and stopping the parts which caused weight gain, your daughter will be through this in no time. A healthy weight with good role modelling for life.

Kids make comments all the time, sure some are not and some are horrible and plenty in between.

The most constructive thing to do is tell your daughter it is a big wide world and not everything she is told is true or means she needs to change anything about herself but you can't control everyone and what is said or not.

@seayork2020

Kids make comments all the time, sure some are not and some are horrible and plenty in between.

The most constructive thing to do is tell your daughter it is a big wide world and not everything she is told is true or means she needs to change anything about herself but you can't control everyone and what is said or not.

That was meant to say some are nice (first line)

Kids are tactless.

You allowed your child to become overweight.

This one's on you.

I completely disagree with OP. It doesn't need reporting to school, because School doesn't need to do anything at all. The only thing that needs to happen is that the op needs to action it.

Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place. The rise in anxieties and mental problems related to this is a huge issue

Most adults can go on diets just fine. Agree with you that lifestyle changes are more sustainable but it doesn’t mean that diets are the ‘road to eating disorders’ or anything for the majority of people.

Your DD probably knows that it will be cringey if the teacher discusses this with her classmates and might be further targeted. Best to listen to her opinion on this.

Sorry but I think your response is an overreaction because she’s touched a nerve...

The OP has listened and she’s said that she isn’t going to approach the school. It really isn’t worth it if it’s only one comment.

I do agree that 9 year olds are old enough to know that it’s rude to make personal comments, though. It would be different if they were in Key Stage 1. I wouldn’t be impressed if my DDs made personal comments about other children. (I’m overweight and in the past they’ve commented on my tummy. I haven’t minded, as it’s true, but I’ve always said they mustn’t make that comment to other people.)

If OP's DD was disfigured would it be acceptable for the DC to say "when you are older you should have facial surgery" as she's only 9.
As you decided sit on it for now, keep your eye on the situation if there are anymore comments then speak to the teacher.
A 9y.o girl unless SEN I'm not buying her innocent observation.

@ktp100

I bet that girl got that from home. It always amazes me how many people openly shame overweight people in front of their kids. It's disgraceful.

Speak to the school and ask them to intervene BUT please don't encourage the teacher to speak to the whole class about weight and diets - your daughter could be mortified and it may make the situation worse by bringing her to the attention of others.

Shower her with love and do make that plan for being more active and healthy moving forward.x.

Agree with this

I would be upset if someone said this to a child of mine, and but it will always get said to anyone overweight.

The environment for all women over food and weight is pressured. The child who said it is a victim of it too.

Every headline, every magazine.. school will be constant on ‘Healthy eating’. And your own reaction to the word ‘diet’ is OTT. It doesn’t have to mean ‘The cucumber and squid crash diet’. I am on a ‘sensible eating diet’ ... because I need to lose weight for my long term health.

Support your Ds’s active (and other) hobbies, don’t promote make up parties or mother and daughter shopping or spa days as an ‘activity’ and all the rest of the crap that pushes women into being obsessed with their looks.

Keep perspective. It will be fine.

@ZezetteEpouseX

about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight,

its horrifying that this would ever need to be discussed, no child should ever be put in such a position and need to "lose weight" in the first place!

Countries like the UK have never been put on a strict lockdown, that cannot be used as an excuse for over-feeding a child and messing them up for the long term.

Ideally they shouldn't but it isn't always parents fault when children are chubby. I was a chubby pre-adolescent but I was a secret binge eater. I would steal food, hide it and eat it. I felt low, anxious, empty a lot and have done since early childhood and eating was a way to soothe this. Then as a young adult I was diagnosed with both binge eating disorder and PCOS.

My parents didn't cause !y chemical imbalances . If they have me money I would spend it on food. At age 9 the OP s DD will have access and money to buy snacks

Am not saying that OPs daughter necessarily has issue with food or hormones but I am just reiterating the fact that it isn't always a parents fault

I remember a kid at school saying I needed to wash my hair. It stung. But she was right. Really tough to hear and I think most kids today are kinder - certainly primary teaches a lot more about acceptance than in my day! In a way it’s a favour as I fixed it when it didn’t matter so much.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DD, you can not protect or educate her by trying to control others. Wether you like it or not the comments of this 9 year old were pretty mild and your DD is going to hear a lot worse from just about everywhere else.

This is a teaching moment between you and your DD, not the teacher and the class. Your energies are best spent supporting and educating your DD.

Maybe your DD told you about the comment because she’d like not to be overweight and she’d like your help not to be overweight?

After all the best way for your daughter to have a positive self image of her body is for that body to be healthy.

I agree. With a comment like that, and 9-year old can be a bit tactless, there may be a grain of truth in it, and you can guide your daughter to be resilient.

I have the right not to have my kid exposed to damaging ideas about diets from other 9 year olds
I really don't believe you do.
And do you realize that she will be 'exposed to damaging ideas' about a lot of things? Boys for ex. Or will you also try to police the playground talks on this topic?

The child wasn't being mean, she was making a factual comment. Kids are honest and blunt because they have no filter yet.

Your concern should be that you've allowed your child to become overweight. You can't control how other people view your overweight child, you can control her weight and get her down to a healthy size so it's not an issue.