Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

Ah seriously the little girl is only 9 and stated that your daughter should probably go on a diet when she's older . Clearly she's heard someone at home chatting about they've gotten heavier and should probably go on a diet.. it doesn't mean social services need to be involved !!
Talk to the teacher if you must but I'm not sure the teacher will go into lecture on a he evils of diets If that's what you're hoping for. She'll probably do a gentle reminder about not commenting on other people's appearance .
I can't believe you contemplated contacting the girls parents!

@positivelynegative sorry to add, I appreciate the comment would be looked upon as not judging, but we all know people that talk about anything in front of their children, and that's the only way children will really get their comments from.

It is not up to a 9 year old to start telling other girls that they'll need to go on a diet when they are older. I would be mortified if my daughter was spouting shit like this to girls in her class. She really needs to learn to mind her own business. Your daughter can easily, and no doubt will, lose weight through healthy eating and exercise, and by maintaining a more healthy lifestyle, not by dieting, and the damage done by unnecessary and thoughtless comments like this could last a lot longer than a 9 year old being temporarily overweight. I'd want to know if my daughter took it upon herself to make comments about the weight of others in her class and I would be making it very clear to her what I think about that and the effects it could have.

To be honest fat shaming does work in some communities. In Japan it is so socially unacceptable to be fat that, you literally see hardly any people that are.

I think kids just say it how it is. I wouldn’t blame the school or the child or her parents. Just keep trying to feed your child a healthy ‘diet’. Follow my Mums quote ‘ I’m here to feed you not fatten you’ ....

@JamieFrasersSassenach

I think the biggest issue here is that your DD is 9, she does not need to lose weight, she will be growing taller for many years to come. She needs your help to grow into her weight. Small changes like more fruit and veg, wholemeal bread over white, semi skimmed or skimmed milk etc. Please don't start giving her low fat varieties of processed foods as they will be full of sugar. Really it's a case of her appetite being satisfied with healthy whole foods so that she isn't eating lots of 'empty' calories.

I'm not sure if I'd involve school at this point, but definitely not the other child's parents.

I completely agree with staying away from the "diet" full of crap products, but an overweight 9 year old needs to eat LESS!

No they don't need help to "grow into their weight", they are on a horrible slippery slope that will damage their health for years to come. Less calories, less food , healthier portions and healthier food and it's ok to be "hungry" between meals!

Remove the junk food COMPLETELY, no ridiculous "treat day" and give that poor kid a chance before she is messed up. It's a lot harder to lose weight than to maintain a normal one.

It will be logged incase the lovely lass has any more beneficial tit bits to share.

‘You probably need to go on a diet’ is a sickly sweet way of saying ‘your fat’. I dont care if they are nine - they need telling to mind their own business.

so they "log it"
who cares?

Even the OP admits her child is overweight, so basically fat. None of us can know the child, we are not making it up.

Obviously parents need to teach their kids you don't discuss people being overweight to their face and they need to stay politically correct, but 9 year old are still honest, and we don't even know the context.

Did the girl suddenly turn around from her chair, and told the daughter "
when you're older you should probably go on a diet". Bit weird, but they do need to learn filters.

They also need to know that with the obesity issue and people being just overweight as a standard, it's not allowed to mention anything without being accused of "fat shaming".

Please just leave it O.P
And I say that as a fat child who became a fat adult. Flagging it at school will probably draw more attention to your dd, however discretely it is tackled.
She will hear much worst as she gets older unfortunately.
Concentrate on healthy eating, exercise and fitness to try and slowly reduce her weight, along with confidence boosting. She is the perfect age for you to tackle the problem without her even realising.

@thepeopleversuswork

MyShinyWhuteTeeth I’m sure she didn’t consciously set out to “fat shame”. But clearly she is growing up in an environment where girls are put under pressure to conform to these sorts of standards.

I acknowledge that my DD is overweight and I am prepared to tackle it but I don’t want her to subjected to that sort of comment which is basically learned misogyny. I don’t want those sorts of values anywhere near her.

And I think the school needs to be on the case with this. Body image is a huge huge problem for young girls now. They need to be taught how much damage diets do and how badly that sort of discourse damages their self esteem.

Why are you assuming the comment was made because she is a girl, and wouldn't be said to a boy?

You can fix this very easily. Just say "adults have stopped growing, so the only way they can lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Children are still growing, so eating a healthy diet will allow you to grow into your body."

Children rarely need diets. They just need to eat healthily and exercise normally. As they grow, they change shape.

DD2 looked overweight when she was that age. She wasn't actually overweight, she was 75th centile on BMI, but she has a very short torso, so her tummy had visible rolls. Now, age 13, she's looking slim and her rolls have gone. She's literally 'grown into her body'.

Why is there any need to start sugar coating it? Obviously there's no need to be harsh, there's zero need to pussyfoot around.

What's wrong with OP saying to her DD 'life has been a bit hectic and I've realised we could do with getting back into healthier habits... Let's have a look at some tasty meal ideas together... Shall we go for a walk together... Is there a sports club you'd be interested in trying'?

OP knows her child is overweight. At 9 years old her DD will also realise she is overweight when she sees she's much bigger than her peers.

@formerbabe

Commenting negatively on someone's appearance is bullying. If it happened in the workplace, it wouldn't be acceptable.

Not many 9 year olds are working (and if they are that's a far bigger issue.

She's 9 - have you ever met a 9 year old? Tact us rarely a strong point.

She wasn't nasty, she didn't call her names, she merely says that when the OP's daughter was older she probably should go on a diet. Kids are taught all the time that being overweight isn't good for you. 9 year olds like to be seen to be a bit knowledgable & 'grown up' and repeat things they've heard.

@thepeopleversuswork

I acknowledge that my DD is overweight and I am prepared to tackle it but I don’t want her to subjected to that sort of comment which is basically learned misogyny. I don’t want those sorts of values anywhere near her

She's 9. You cannot control everything she hears! You cannot micro manage the world around her. All you can do is teach her how to deal with the world. As It Is - not how you want it.

And I think the school needs to be on the case with this. Body image is a huge huge problem for young girls now. They need to be taught how much damage diets do and how badly that sort of discourse damages their self esteem

Why do you want the school to deal with YOUR daughter's body image. YOU are her mum - YOU deal with it.

Also, be careful how heavily you go into reforming her food, denying her stuff and going on & on about healthy choices etc & how much you push her to 'exercise' because all you'll do is reinforce that the girl was right.
I'm not saying don't do it, but I've seen some parents do some real damage.

I think the thing to focus on here was the "when you're older " - this is a child who is growing up in a situation where there may be a Mum who is always " on a diet " ( let's face it that is most of us at some point ) and she sees that as a thing that adults do . She hasn't said now and I think this is a little girl whose words came out the wrong way . If it were to be repeated however then I would think again about it ,

Don't assume it was made with nastiness.

Since we moved to Australia (we are French) , at least twice my kids have asked me to talk to the mother of one of their friends (2 different kids) to teach her how she can help them lose weight and feel better at school. Of course, my reply both time has been "no way" and " please don't say anything to them" .
KIds see one of their peer being uncomfortable, not taking part, pulling at the top of the uniform, so that comment could have been said in the same spirit.

It could have been a nasty comment or it could have been a comment to reassure.

Don't say anything at school, don't assume the teacher will handle it well, and it could slip that it is about your DD and then it will be worse.
If on the other hand, another comment is made in the next weeks, yet do approach the school.

I think nine is old enough to know not to make comments about people’s appearances

I quite agree.

I was called carrot top and other more abusive names relating to my hair colour throughout school. It may be factual, but it sure as hell gave me a complex and made me feel like crap.

Its rude. Children should be taught not to comment on other children's appearances, but as this is MN and fat shaming is rife among adult women then we can see where it comes from. But it's disgusting.

I hope your DD feels better tomorrow.
Lots of good advice for food changes. I am not sure if the little girl was been mean or factual I know my DD wouldn't comment on someone's personal appearance from about age 5.

but as this is MN and fat shaming is rife among adult women then we can see where it comes from. But it's disgusting.

FFS, enough with the "fat shaming" nonsense everytime someone is overweight. If you feel shame, have a good look at yourself and wonder why that is.

That's what we have a problem with in this country. Pretending to turn a blind eye and that's everything is fine when someone is overweight (and by today's standards being overweight by today's standards actually mean being seriously unhealthy!).
You are fat, you eat too much. Your child is fat, they eat too much (and the wrong food). It's not fat shaming, it's factual.

If you feel shame, have a good look at yourself and wonder why that is.

I would say exactly the same to somebody who can actually say these words. Telling somebody they should feel shame about anything about themselves unless it is something they are doing to deliberately hurt someone else is fucking disgusting and actually it is people like you who do it who should be shamed until they feel like smouldering shit.

Fake worry about 'your health' does not disguise the pernicious bitchiness.

And I've worked with women who have been fat all their lives and have had comments all their lives. They've tried everything to help lose the weight, but have struggled. They constantly felt like shit, had low self esteem, ended up in abusive relationships, suffered from depression and anxiety and still they struggled to lose the weight and failed because insulting people, judging people and being fucking rude to people just makes them feel like shit.

It starts in primary school. It gets worse.

Being fat is not the worst thing a person can be.
Fat people - who know btw that they are fat and it's unhealthy and want to get slimmer - are worthy of respect and kindness.

To be honest I'm a little shocked by people's responses here. I would definitely talk to the teacher and explain the situation. If my child had said that to another and upset them I would want the teacher to speak with them about how inappropriate it is to comment on others weight/diet etc. Regardless of whether you feel your child does/doesn't need to lose weight, children need to be taught to respect other people regardless of how they look or their size. Yes she's 9 but how else would she know not to make hurtful comments unless someone speaks to her? She doesn't need to be told off but no harm in the teacher having a quick word surely.

It is bad manners to comment negatively about someone else’s appearance. It just is. The girl sounds like she needs to be taught a lesson or two in that department and 9 is more than old enough. So much indulgence of children nowadays and such low expectations of their social skills.

Some kids have been allowed to get overweight during lockdown and that’s what does need to be addressed by their parents as it’s not good for them.

9 year olds should know better than to comment (even if it is true) on people’s weight but equally 9 year olds (without medical conditions) shouldn’t be able to eat themselves overweight, harsh but true.

I'm not sure why you keep repeating you want advice on how to raise it when the majority of people think you shouldn't at all!
I get you are cross but please forget about the other girl.

@Tatapie

I'm not sure why you keep repeating you want advice on how to raise it when the majority of people think you shouldn't at all! I get you are cross but please forget about the other girl.

Ignore me just read your last response!