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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Horrible massage experience

160 replies

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:19

Just went for a massage. Booked online and selected a female massage therapist. When I got there they said she wasn't available as she was self isolating however another therapist would be with me shortly. She was just finishing up. In the mean time, fill in a form, undress, get on the bed, cover myself and relax. I did exactly this, put my head in the hole, waited, and the therapist came in. HE apologised for being late. I froze and was extremely uncomfortable as I was almost naked and about to be massaged by a man. I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be a woman as I had specifically asked for a certain person who was female. His name was Shahin and I wasn't aware that this was a male name as well as a female name, so didn't question it. I am a victim of domestic abuse, and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from my ex partner. I went in to fight or flight mode and just lay there and let him massage me. I'm sat in the car now just glad it's over. My jaw is actually hurting because of how tense I was. I know I should have checked beforehand and am not placing blame on anyone, I just needed to share this with someone as I am feeling nauseous and mentally drained from the experience. I feel like I was past this and that I would be able to cope in a situation like this, but clearly I am not as strong as I thought I am. Am I being pathetic?

OP posts:

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:21

Sorry, they didn't say that 'she was just finishing up' - probably 'they're just finishing up' or something similar. I can't remember. I'm fairly sure they didn't state his sex as I would've noticed right away if they said he. I think I would anyway. I feel sick I don't know why.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 08/10/2020 14:26

I don’t think you’re being pathetic, and I think that your response - the freezing, tension, nausea - are all very much to be expected.

But look, you’ve come through this not lashing out at anyone. You can clearly see how the situation went wrong, you’re not blaming anyone. You’ve taken a really good step to talk through your feelings on here... it’s strong and brave to do that, and mentally astute to realise that you need to.

You had a shit experience today, you want a hand hold and reassurance, you’ve reached out. That isn’t someone “not coping”. That’s someone coping very well with an unexpected situation today.

Be kinder to yourself

LadyofTheManners · 08/10/2020 14:26

Yeah to be honest it wasn't their fault, you should really double check with names that can be either or.

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:29

I'm not saying it's their fault. He was really nice and it was a very good massage. I just feel panicky and shaken and needed to write it down. I feel like I'm broken.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 08/10/2020 14:29

Just to add, If I were you I’d do some breathing exercises now, and think about the fact that you got through this, and it’s done - nobody died, you’re OK. And then, as you didn’t get your massage (which is a treat, whether it was for relaxation or therapeutic) I’d find some way of having a small treat now. Maybe buy yourself some flowers?

Florencex · 08/10/2020 14:29

No you are not being pathetic. I have not been through anything traumatic as you have but I still prefer a female therapist and would be uncomfortable with a male.

When I first started going for massages, I ended up with men a couple of times because I forgot to specify a gender but now I always request female. I don’t mind men for foot massages only.

I guess asking for a certain person is not the same as asking for a particular gender, but they could have checked IMO. It may make you feel better if you make a quick call reminding them to check on clients preferences in future.

Don’t be hard on yourself, again you are not being pathetic.

Isadora2007 · 08/10/2020 14:31

I would feedback to the company as I’d have expected them to say that it was a man and were you okay with that tbh. For services provided normally by one sex or another I’d expect it to be checked first with the client.

Cocomarine · 08/10/2020 14:31

If your jaw is still sore from tension, you’re probably also still tensing it. Did you know it’s really hard to tense your jaw when singing?! So practical tip... right now, put on some upbeat music and have a good sing! x

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:31

Thanks @cocomarine you seem lovely x

OP posts:

Twigletfairy · 08/10/2020 14:34

You're not being pathetic at all. I think you've actually dealt with it quite well.

I do also think you should just give them a quick call and explain the situation. That way in future maybe they can ask people if they have a prefrerence. It's not complaining, just constructive feedback

TabbyStar · 08/10/2020 14:36

I actually think they should have checked, a large proportion of women have been sexually assaulted by men, and I wouldn't have been okay with this. I ended up with a male masseur at a spa once, and he massaged right into my groin, which I have never had a female do and I felt really uncomfortable but I was quite young and didn't say anything. If you'd been asked whether you consented to this man massaging you, you would have said no, so it's not surprising you feel shaky

yourestandingonmyneck · 08/10/2020 14:36

I have never experienced any form of abuse and I wouldn't be comfortable being massaged by a man. I think this is completely valid and if you had been able to speak up at the time and say you would rather not go ahead with a male therapist I would think (hope) that this would not have been an issue.
I understand why you couldn't though, and I'm sorry that you are now feeling tense and upset.
I would call the salon and explain and suggest that they inform people in future. Then have a hot bath and try to relax x

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:36

So annoyed as I spent £60 on a traumatic experience and that was my one great for the month. I know that's the least of my worries though.

OP posts:

DayKay · 08/10/2020 14:37

you’re not pathetic at all and they should have told you. I wouldn’t like a male masseuse either.
Would it make a difference if he was gay?

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:37

He massaged my bum as well which I have never had with a female therapist

OP posts:

doadeer · 08/10/2020 14:38

Not pathetic at all. That must have been a big shock. I've not had terrible experiences but I wouldn't want a man to massage me.

I would provide written feedback to the salon that they should be clear about this in future as other clients could feel the same.

Great suggestion to have a sing. You've made it through 💪

yourestandingonmyneck · 08/10/2020 14:38

@earthtopluto

So annoyed as I spent £60 on a traumatic experience and that was my one great for the month. I know that's the least of my worries though.

I wonder if you called the salon and explained they might offer you another massage with the female masseuse? I do think you should phone to just explain to them anyway and suggest that they ask people in future if they are ok with a male therapist. You could open up the dialogue and just see where it goes.

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:39

@daykay to be honest I don't think it matters whether he's gay or not. In my head, I'm naked in a room with someone who is stronger and bigger than me and has a penis. As blunt as that sounds, that's what scared me.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2020 14:39

They should have checked.

HandfulofDust · 08/10/2020 14:39

I do think that might have checked. I personally wouldn't mind a male masseuse but I know lots of women would so they should have established whether you were comfortable with it before hand. I hope you manage to get over the experience soon OP.

Pumperthepumper · 08/10/2020 14:40

I think they should have told you, a massage in an intimate thing and I’d think the majority of women would want another woman to do it.

Original poster

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:41

And even now I'm so tentative about telling them as he would probably be upset to know how uncomfortable I was. I might message them anonymously in a week or so as I would like to go back there, and just make it very clear I would like a female, as everything else was lovely.

OP posts:

DayKay · 08/10/2020 14:42

@earthtopluto of course. I still wouldn’t like it but it would just have had less of an impact on me and I would have just tried to reason it with myself.
But your situation is your own and it’s definitely not you being pathetic!

ChaChaCha2012 · 08/10/2020 14:42

You did really well. You found yourself in a potentially triggering situation, and you managed it. It might not have been part of a plan, but could you see it as a positive step towards recovery?

Honestly, I'd be really proud of yourself.

Cocomarine · 08/10/2020 14:43

I’ve had my bum massaged by both males and females - I go regularly for sports massages. My comfort level is mine alone, so I’m not telling you that you have to be comfortable with that. But as you process it now, it might help you to think about you see as your bum - which is quite a loaded word, potentially intimate, potentially sexual - was to him, your gluteal muscles. Ain’t nothing intimate or sexual about the word gluteal

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