Horrible massage experience

[earthtopluto]

Just went for a massage. Booked online and selected a female massage therapist. When I got there they said she wasn't available as she was self isolating however another therapist would be with me shortly. She was just finishing up. In the mean time, fill in a form, undress, get on the bed, cover myself and relax. I did exactly this, put my head in the hole, waited, and the therapist came in. HE apologised for being late. I froze and was extremely uncomfortable as I was almost naked and about to be massaged by a man. I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be a woman as I had specifically asked for a certain person who was female. His name was Shahin and I wasn't aware that this was a male name as well as a female name, so didn't question it. I am a victim of domestic abuse, and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from my ex partner. I went in to fight or flight mode and just lay there and let him massage me. I'm sat in the car now just glad it's over. My jaw is actually hurting because of how tense I was. I know I should have checked beforehand and am not placing blame on anyone, I just needed to share this with someone as I am feeling nauseous and mentally drained from the experience. I feel like I was past this and that I would be able to cope in a situation like this, but clearly I am not as strong as I thought I am. Am I being pathetic?

If you were so shocked when the man came in, and got all un-relaxed, you could have cancelled and made it known about your preferences for the sex of the massage giver, then maybe get a refund for a female worker next time.

In the past when I used to book things like this more often, I was always asked if it was ok if it was a man. It was usually a woman and they knew that most people would expect it to be, so they checked. That was the right thing to do, and they should have checked with you, esp as you had a booking with a certain person who is a woman. I am sorry you had this horrible experience - and had to pay for it!

@earthtopluto

And even now I'm so tentative about telling them as he would probably be upset to know how uncomfortable I was. I might message them anonymously in a week or so as I would like to go back there, and just make it very clear I would like a female, as everything else was lovely.

It is not your responsibility to tell them. If you don’t want to - that’s OK. If you do want to - it doesn’t have to be now. As you’ve seen here, lots of women without your experiences also prefer only to see a woman. So your feedback won’t be unusual, or suggestive of any issue on your part. If you want to give them feedback, keep it simple:

Hi I’d like to give you some feedback, it’s not a complaint but something I’d like to share with you. I recently had a massage with Shahin, who was swapped at the last minute as the masseuse I booked was unwell. I have no complaint about Shahin. However, I’d specifically booked a female masseuse and was caught off guard by the unisex name. Could I make a suggestion that if you make short notice changes, you ask if the client has a preference? I did feel in an awkward situation. Thank you.”

You’re not being pathetic at all. I think they should have told you.

Like others I feel you coped really well and urge you to take care of yourself today

I would contact the company in whatever way you feel would help you express yourself best and tell them that they should check if people want male or female therapists and not replace a female masseuse with a male one. You dont have to disclose your history but you could just say you are not comfortable with a male and didnt feel comfortable enough to say?

That's a shame you've had this experience.

I think it might be worth working on your assertiveness skills. Unfortunately, especially when we've had people who bulldozed out boundaries in the past, we sometimes struggle to voice what we need.

Now adays I like to think if I'd been in this situation I would have been able to say 'oh, I'm sorry, here must have been crossed wires, I'm not really comfortable with a guy masseuse'. Hopefully.

But even a few years ago i might have struggled with it. Just because I didn't want them to be uncomfortable. But your comfort matters and you are entitled to your boundaries.

Practice saying things you want to say when you want to say them in future. Eg: if theres a problem with food in a restaurant, ask for it to be resolved. Or if someone stops you in the street collecting money, 'I'm sorry but im not interested'. Or if someone disrespects you then 'please do not speak to me like that'. It's hard and feels unnatural but the more assertive you pracrice being in general, the easier itll become even in unexpected situations.

As much as this may have unstablised you a little, you can turn it into a growth experience. As its reminding you that you should practice being kind to yourself in future.

@1forall74 I'm not sure if you understand how hard that is for someone who has been serially raped and beaten by a man because you told them something they didn't like. I'm in therapy and working on my assertiveness. I don't think human behaviour is always so black and white. I know I could have coped better, but I didn't. And I feel shit about it.

I agree that you should be proud of yourself and treat yourself to make up for it

It's not fair. It's pretty obvious that unfortunately plenty of women have been abused by men, and also even if we haven't, we are all well aware enough of the threat men can pose to not want to be in an intimate or vulnerable position with an unknown one.

They should have rebooked your appointment and risked you cancelling rather than plowing on ahead knowing they didn't have a female masseuse available.

I don't like being massaged by a man either (unless it's DH). I've had been in a similar situation and I now always check on booking and when they call to confirm.
They weren't to know your history. I'd just put it down to experience.

They should have checked - please do tell them so they can adjust their practices and make sure it doesn't happen again, and also so they can make it up for you.

It's understandable that you didn't say anything at the time - you were in shock probably.

Be kind to yourself.

Btw massaging bum isn't unusual (big muscles in there) but of course you should feel able to say no to any areas you're uncomfortable with if you prefer.

Poor you that sounds like it's really knocked you for six. You're not to blame and neither are they but I feel for you.

They were wrong not to mention it was a man.

I understand your disappointment at your treat turned out to be a very challenging experience. Not a treat at all in the end .
I wouldn’t want a Male either ..personal choice .. I wouldn’t relax .

I had something similar a long time ago .. I dithered whether to have a massage or reflexology.. in the end I chose reflexology and was glad as it turned out to be a man ... like you I didn’t like to say and so went through with it .. but being honest I didn’t enjoy it or relax .. however silly that might sound as it’s only feet .

You are not being pathetic at all .
Please be kind to yourself ..

Take care

I've been in this situation before and the person on reception approached me quietly, explained the therapist I had booked wasn't available, another therapist was who was male and asked if I was happy to go ahead and no problem if I wasn't. I had no problem with it and the massage was still one of the best I've ever received and I left great feedback. I was so impressed with the way the spa dealt with it though because it was very much my choice as to whether to go ahead, which should have been the case for you op.

OP I totally understand. The same thing happened to me - and I'd specified female only in my booking . However, instead of doing what I normally did - which was freeze and go through with it - I said no. And then they said "It's just the same" and "Our masseurs are professional" and the like. In front of a full waiting room. I started shaking and crying. It was horrible.

There is no right and wrong way, we all just do our best.

But do co tact them in the next few weeks when you're feeling better and let them know that he was great, but they shouldn't switch men for women when a woman has been requested - and in general, why.

Oh bless you! You need a massage to get over the massage now!!!

You did it. You got through it. You were in such a vulnerable position and you came out of it alive. Well done, that is a massive achievement. You should be so proud of yourself!

I have PTSD and I wouldn't have coped with that situation half as well as you did. You really are amazing and I'm rather in awe of you!

Please rebook another massage for next month. You more than deserve it!! You know now to verbally double check it's a women if the original masseuse is unavailable or if a situation similar arises. You've got this.

Hi OP, firstly, well done on not having a panic attack or other event.

I am actually shocked that so many women on this thread seem to be OK with you being handed a male massage therapist without being asked. God above, have we sunk so low in our boundaries as women that companies can force a man onto us in an intimate environment without our consent???

I think this should be against the law - we should have the right to request a female to massage us; a female GP; a female gynaecologist; a female waxing technician; and if that person is not available, we should be asked would we like to rebook a time when there is a female available or would we be ok with a male therapist. Why should we have to open up about our own sexual assault history to earn the right to say no to men?

@1forAll74

If you were so shocked when the man came in, and got all un-relaxed, you could have cancelled and made it known about your preferences for the sex of the massage giver, then maybe get a refund for a female worker next time.

Did you not read the op properly? It isn’t as easy as that. I have been lucky enough to never experience what the op has but I can see that it isn’t that easy.

[quote earthtopluto]@1forall74 I'm not sure if you understand how hard that is for someone who has been serially raped and beaten by a man because you told them something they didn't like. I'm in therapy and working on my assertiveness. I don't think human behaviour is always so black and white. I know I could have coped better, but I didn't. And I feel shit about it. [/quote]
I am a bit angry at that comment from 1forall.

I have posted earlier on your thread and as I said, fortunately I have never been sexually abused, I still don’t want a male therapist. I am a successful professional, generally confident, direct talking, assertive on the whole, people say things like “Florence doesn’t take prisoners” about me. But if I was on a table wearing only knickers and covered by a towel, I would also feel vulnerable and there is a very good chance I would decide to grin and bear it as opposed to start a debate about what I ordered rather than make a scene whilst I am unclothed.

You coped with it just fine. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

Sounds like you did really well.
They should have checked though!

They should have asked, loads of women wouldn't feel comfy with a man.

I'm surprised he didn't notice how tense you were.

God it sounds awful op x

Annasgirl, indeed, when you remember the statistics on sexual violence with (please someone correct me if I’m wrong) 1 in 4 women have experienced it at some point in their lives, you would think this place would have a policy on awareness of these things.

YANBU at all. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. If you go back I’d definitely speak to them beforehand and ensure it’s a female doing your massage.

@AuntMasha

Annasgirl, indeed, when you remember the statistics on sexual violence with (please someone correct me if I’m wrong) 1 in 4 women have experienced it at some point in their lives, you would think this place would have a policy on awareness of these things.

Yes, that is what shocks me. But I never knew the exact legal position and with all the changes to laws over the past decade, I am not sure you can even request a female in any role any more.

Agree with pp that the company should have checked if you were ok with a man if you had previously booked an appointment with a female therapist. It's 2020, I would think that its common knowledge that there are many women victims of sexual and or domestic violence like you OP, or have religious or other reasons why they don't want a male massage therapist. They should not have made an assumption on your behalf.

I would call of email them to let them know how you felt today. If I were the manager and I would have heard this, I'd be mortified and make sure this wouldn't happen ever again to you or any other woman.

for you