Horrible massage experience

[earthtopluto]

Just went for a massage. Booked online and selected a female massage therapist. When I got there they said she wasn't available as she was self isolating however another therapist would be with me shortly. She was just finishing up. In the mean time, fill in a form, undress, get on the bed, cover myself and relax. I did exactly this, put my head in the hole, waited, and the therapist came in. HE apologised for being late. I froze and was extremely uncomfortable as I was almost naked and about to be massaged by a man. I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be a woman as I had specifically asked for a certain person who was female. His name was Shahin and I wasn't aware that this was a male name as well as a female name, so didn't question it. I am a victim of domestic abuse, and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from my ex partner. I went in to fight or flight mode and just lay there and let him massage me. I'm sat in the car now just glad it's over. My jaw is actually hurting because of how tense I was. I know I should have checked beforehand and am not placing blame on anyone, I just needed to share this with someone as I am feeling nauseous and mentally drained from the experience. I feel like I was past this and that I would be able to cope in a situation like this, but clearly I am not as strong as I thought I am. Am I being pathetic?

I totally sympathise OP. I once treated myself to a “ four hand “ massage in a luxury hotel in Spain. I got changed and lay down then realised the masseurs were male and female. I stupidly didn’t protest but couldn’t relax the whole time. I was completely naked apart from the thong. I kept my eyes shut but when I got up the guy gave me a look of disgust ( I was v overweight) . It was awful. I wouldn’t put up with it now but I felt too vulnerable at the time ( plus the language barrier ).

I'm so sorry that happened, and I'm sorry posters on here haven't been more supportive.

I would have struggled to say no in that situation, when I was already practically naked on the table. It's not at all the same as saying no when you are greeted at the reception desk.

The salon was unprofessional and insensitive to ambush you in that way. Many, many women would have responded the same. They lose trust when they do that kind of thing.

You have been retraumatised by their behaviour and you should make them aware of it- if you can bring yourself to.

I'd email them, and write a blunt review emphasising that the masseur did not behave inappropriately but it was very inappropriate to send him in to you.

I do think a male masseur should check before starting.

This is very bad practice imo, and I totally get how awful you must have felt, OP.

I think emailing them is a very good idea. If nothing else, it may make them check with people in future.

Well, assuming there is going to be no big reveal that you are male yourself, I have never had a traumatic sexual experience OR a massage and am actually really shocked that they didn't warn you it was male and check it was ok with you. After all, even a GP has to ask if you want a chaperone if they're going to do an intimate examination. Your story has put me off ever having a massage off anyone, except my own husband (and he's crap at them ). I can just imagine how you felt, even though I've never suffered the same trauma as you. It's just the vulnerable situation you're in, with a male in control of you. Really uncomfortable to a lot of people, I would have thought, and very unprofessional of both the receptionist and the masseur not to check first.

I would have to email them, and emphasise that while he didn't make you feel uncomfortable with anything he as an individual did, and that the massage was fine, it was just that you only feel comfortable with a female, as am sure many other women may do.

I've never had a massage that included my bottom, have had about 15 full body massages in 5 different spas. That does strike me as unusual

No, you’re not being pathetic. I don’t have any trauma issues but I ALWAYS select females for procedures like smear tests etc and always ask for a female if I am having a massage as I just wouldn’t relax properly with a man doing it. I don’t even know why that is.

Definitely not unreasonable to feel shaken by it, and I think it's definitely worth sending a polite email to let them know it'd be worth checking with clients first. Someone rearranging your massage therapist might not have had access to your booking notes, might have been frazzled due to needing to rearrange staff around, etc - it's human error and oversight, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't remind them it's important.

Whenever I've had a massage that included my back I've had my bum massaged though, usually quite hard with elbows included - it's a big muscle! So that bit is normal I think.

Again, bum is not unusual. I’ve had a zillion massages.

Anyone with lower back pain, hip pain, sacrifice-iliac joint pain or sciatica knows the benefits of glutes massage. Mine get really sore.

sacro-iliac ^

I would have expected to be told, end of.

I’m fortunately not a victim of abuse but I would not go to a male masseur, ever

They should have checked with you.

If you were so shocked when the man came in, and got all un-relaxed, you could have cancelled and made it known about your preferences for the sex of the massage giver, then maybe get a refund for a female worker next time.

How many people would think quickly enough to do this, though, and not be too embarrassed to speak out, ad not care about offending the masseur?

I've had dozens of massages and never had a male masseur substituted for a woman without notice. Staff were wrong to do this. They should at least have told you there wasn't a female practitioner available and offered you a different date.

Sorry your treat was ruined, EarthtoPluto. I hope you're having a relaxing evening.

Just me I suppose, but I do not like anyone male or female, other than partner feeling my body. I am probably just shy or something.

I do realise that massages can be very therapeutic, so ignore my comment if you are ok with it.

Sacro-illiac problems here too, but I go to an osteopath. Always female, just feel more comfortable stripping down to my big knickers.

Oh and what happens if the masseur is a self ID male to female. God no.

@earthtopluto

I'm not saying it's their fault. He was really nice and it was a very good massage. I just feel panicky and shaken and needed to write it down. I feel like I'm broken.

I was a bit 😱 when the usual massage person wasn't there and a man was there instead..

But truly, massage therapists are very professional..He would probably be mortified to know you were so upset.

The male massage therapist did say to me ''Are you OK with me doing it?''..So he clearly was sensitive to the fact I was a bit 'Eek' at seeing a young man instead of older woman.

But he was very good.

Hope you feel ok soon.

Something I do quite a lot is write down what happened and what the positives were. So you could write down about how it all went well, he was friendly, he didn't do anything to you, it was a good massage etc.. helps you to see why is was a good experience. You're not pathetic at all

@Zeebeezee

Just me I suppose, but I do not like anyone male or female, other than partner feeling my body. I am probably just shy or something.

I do realise that massages can be very therapeutic, so ignore my comment if you are ok with it.

I was so panicked about any stranger touching my body... BUT massage eventually made me be able to relax into it.

It often comes from self criticism and shyness and prior abuse.

Hand and head massage is a non scary way to begin.

The massages I have had have never had me lying naked on the couch...
Always towels were covering the parts not being massaged.

And some therapists let nervous or traumatised clients keep their tops on.

I had a Male masseuse once immediately said no way! Not happening. They had to find someone else. But I am quite bolshy.

All sounds very difficult for those of us who might be shy. Or whatever the word du jour is now. probably mental health or trauma related and that is NOT me, but I realise it might be for others. So why the feck bother?

Don't see what the problem is anyway, either you go and feel fine or don't go. Or just leave if you are uncomfortable.

Apologies, meant to put - they should have asked, I'd be uncomfortable too

OP it is really common for women who have experienced violence /sexual abuse from a man to react by freezing. It is completely outside of your control at the time. Freeze is a physical trauma response that your body has, along with fight or flight. It is more likely to happen to a prey animal who has no chance of fighting or fleeing a predator. Or, as in your case, to a woman who has been attacked by a man (because men are inherently stronger, many women learn fight or flight is too dangerous).

Unfortunately trauma is not widely understood. Those lucky enough not to have experienced male violence can get offended or don't understand why a different man could cause a trauma reaction. Some people read the freeze reaction as acceptance and say you are wrong to not act at the time. But it was out of your control and is a self preservation tactic that, depressingly, will have saved the lives of many of our ancestors.

Absolutely complain to the salon. They need to learn from this.

And be kind to yourself.

@RunningFromInsanity

There’s literally no reasons to write such a big essay *@SlightlyJaded*. The company didn’t do anything wrong. The OP never specified female only. Her normal masseuse was unavailable, they used another.

It’s not their fault or their business about the OPs history. All she needs to do is ask for a note to be placed on file that she only wants female masseuses from now onwards.
There is no need for them to routinely ask people, there is no need for the OP to ask for a refund.

I agree that the staff there didn’t do any intentional wrong but they absolutely should be routinely checking things like this because massage places someone in a vulnerable position and whether the therapist is a man or woman must be of concern to many. They do need to have a system for asking the question about the therapist at the time of booking in the same way I presume they ask about certain physical conditions that might make massage unsafe (skin conditions or circulatory system problems). There’s no need to make a big fuss but I think the company might benefit from the feedback as good practice ultimately benefits them.