Horrible massage experience

[earthtopluto]

Just went for a massage. Booked online and selected a female massage therapist. When I got there they said she wasn't available as she was self isolating however another therapist would be with me shortly. She was just finishing up. In the mean time, fill in a form, undress, get on the bed, cover myself and relax. I did exactly this, put my head in the hole, waited, and the therapist came in. HE apologised for being late. I froze and was extremely uncomfortable as I was almost naked and about to be massaged by a man. I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be a woman as I had specifically asked for a certain person who was female. His name was Shahin and I wasn't aware that this was a male name as well as a female name, so didn't question it. I am a victim of domestic abuse, and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from my ex partner. I went in to fight or flight mode and just lay there and let him massage me. I'm sat in the car now just glad it's over. My jaw is actually hurting because of how tense I was. I know I should have checked beforehand and am not placing blame on anyone, I just needed to share this with someone as I am feeling nauseous and mentally drained from the experience. I feel like I was past this and that I would be able to cope in a situation like this, but clearly I am not as strong as I thought I am. Am I being pathetic?

I agree they absolutely should have checked with you first. For any intimate service where you are nearly naked, it's their responsibility to check that you consent to a male doing it - beforehand, not after!

Also although the advice from Bunnymumy and others about assertiveness may be good advice for some scenarios, I think this is a lot to ask of someone when they're surprised with this when already lying face down on the massage table, undressed and with your head in a hole. I reckon it would take a VERY assertive person to speak up in those circumstances, so please don't beat yourself up for not doing.

If you feel up to it, I would let the salon know so they don't do the same to someone else - but again, don't beat yourself up if you don't feel able to, it is their fault it happened, not yours! And I agree with treating yourself to something else nice if you can.

OP I totally understand. The same thing happened to me - and I'd specified female only in my booking . However, instead of doing what I normally did - which was freeze and go through with it - I said no. And then they said "It's just the same" and "Our masseurs are professional" and the like. In front of a full waiting room. I started shaking and crying. It was horrible.

That's terrible, I would never have gone back to a service that did that, whether I was you or one of the people in the waiting room, so not good business sense either quite apart from it being a silly thing for them to say when you'd clearly told them it wasn't the same.

Emailing is a good suggestion actually if you want to let them know but aren't comfortable doing it in person/on the phone. Also means you can think what you want to say calmly instead of getting nervous.

If you feel you can, I would highlights this to the company.

You don't need to complain, per se, but it is important that this gets raised. You absolutely won't be alone and your reaction is completely understandable.

In an era of #metoo and signs about cleaners on toilet doors, they really should have been more on the ball re this sort of thing, particularly in an industry offering intimate services such as this. It won't do any harm for them to get a bit of constructive feedback on the issue and it might prompt them to look at the way they handle things.

Actually I'm really surprised that this has happened, as pp mentioned after the #metoo movement you would think people would finally realize it. Appearently not and I think it's actually very insensitive of them.

Not sure why anyone would go for a massage in the middle of a pandemic that’s spread by fluids in close physical contact, but that aside, I’m not surprised you were horrified. It’s not an uncommon reaction to freeze. Hope you’re ok💐

You should have asked.

Everything is sanitised, I only came in to contact with two people. I chose to keep my mask on. I'm probably more likely to get covid going to the supermarket.

I would definitely contact them. I haven't suffered the trauma you have but I would still want a female therapist. You don't have to go into your own personal experience, but you'd like to think that your feedback would be welcome.

I hope you feel better soon x

I'm sorry but could you have found the courage to say " No thanks, I don't want a male"

I had to challenge somebody the other day re Covid. Its very hard but you have to speak out.

OP, it sounds as though you did really well.
I am also a survivor of SA and it is very hard to maintain boundaries, esp when you 'don't see it coming' and are not prepared.
I have a huge problem with the dentist, for example, but I can psych myself up, do a mantra in my head whilst I'm there etc
As you say, you were in a room, naked, with a man person with a penis - unexpectedly!
That is enough to feel unsafe, even without a history of SA.

I am sorry that you came out feeling more stressed than you went in.
You could consider letting them know (would you say why?)
Or, before you book next time, say you only want a female person.

I know you have spent your treat money but you did well today.
And to talk about it now - that's brave too.
Can you afford a new paperback book / a small bunch of flowers / a bath bomb type thing for a bit of a 'well done to me for getting through today' moment?

@earthtopluto

Thanks *@cocomarine* you seem lovely x

She really does - totally lovely

I think you should drop them an email along the lines of:

Dear Salon

I've just returned home following a massage appointment and felt the need to get in touch.

I made the appointment on XXX date and specifically requested XXXX - a female masseuse I have used before. On arrival, I was advised that she was unavailable but an alternative therapist had been arranged. I filled in the forms, undressed and lay down as advised.

I was quite upset to find it was a male masseuse that entered the room. I had not been asked if I was comfortable with this and had I asked, I would have said that I was not. I have very personal reasons for always requesting a female and found the whole experience very traumatic. Massage is, as I am sure you are aware, an extremely personal and intimate experience, and it was a very difficult hour for me.

I'd like to be clear that the masseuse was pleasant, professional and the actual treatment was fine. My email is nothing to do with him, his ability or his manner, this is about not being asked if I was comfortable with a male and the impact of that omission.

I'm not necessarily seeking a refund/free treatment (although that would be nice as I am actually more tense now than I was before the treatment), but am hoping you will make it a policy to check with women that they are comfortable being semi-naked with a man rather than assuming it's ok. We have all had different life experiences which mean that we have very different levels of what we are comfortable with and I think I am just really disappointed and surprised that it isn't routine for you to check.

best wishes
OP

I agree with others that I would feedback to the company that they need to check if the gender of the therapist is going to be different to the one that the client selected.

Can you find someone independent for future massages so you always know who you will get? I use the same lady every time which makes it much comfier and more relaxing for me

I'm sorry you had to go through that, you must have felt very vulnerable.

The place do need to know that they must specify gender and ask if that is ok. Given how (sadly) common sexual abuse/assault happens, many women would have been triggered by that.

I'm really sorry you had that experience.
Maybe have a relaxing bath, wind down and be kind to yourself tonight.

I agree you should contact them. They should, absolutely, have been up-front about the fact that the replacement massage therapist was a man, not a woman.

It's great that he was a good massage therapist, but that's not the point - you've had a very uncomfortable experience due to their lack of consideration.

As an aside, it's not unusual to massage the buttocks, especially if they seem tense - and since you were probably clenching them (quite likely given the trauma of the situation for you) he was probably trying to relax them for you.
Another aside - if your jaw still hurts, you can try massaging the masseter muscle yourself - open your jaw a little way, use your forefingers and rub where you can feel the gap just before the hinge. It will help.

There’s literally no reasons to write such a big essay @SlightlyJaded. The company didn’t do anything wrong. The OP never specified female only. Her normal masseuse was unavailable, they used another.

It’s not their fault or their business about the OPs history. All she needs to do is ask for a note to be placed on file that she only wants female masseuses from now onwards.
There is no need for them to routinely ask people, there is no need for the OP to ask for a refund.

@RunningFromInsanity

There’s literally no reasons to write such a big essay *@SlightlyJaded*. The company didn’t do anything wrong. The OP never specified female only. Her normal masseuse was unavailable, they used another.

It’s not their fault or their business about the OPs history. All she needs to do is ask for a note to be placed on file that she only wants female masseuses from now onwards.
There is no need for them to routinely ask people, there is no need for the OP to ask for a refund.

Within the first sentence if literally says “booked online and asked for a female therapist” that should be enough for them to double check if a female therapist isn’t available

I think that is awful and fully understand why you couldn’t say at the time. Actually I think it is awful that he massages your bum without asking. I have a male phyiso who I booked when having trouble with my arm. he was so respectful a and careful with his language and assumptions I have stayed with him. He checks all the time that you’re any ans are ready and comfortable with whatever is planned next. It makes such a difference - any masseur should make sure you are comfortable. I would also never book a man as my masseur

@RunningFromInsanity I disagree entirely.

@RunningFromInsanity I disagree

I think it should be policy to check that you are ok with a male. It's not hard, it takes three seconds, and would avoid situations like this.

If they don't do it already, then OP might need to explain to them why it's important. Her experience would do that.

I can't think of another scenario where I would care about male or female (fwiw, I'd be as fine with a male masseuse as I was with my male midwife) but being semi-naked is intimate and they should check.

@Sirzy OP booked a specific therapist. She never specified female only.

I'd write them a letter pointing out that in future, when a woman has specifically asked for a female masseuse it is not acceptable to send in a bloke without first asking if that is OK with the client.

In your position (and I too suffer from the long term effects of male sexualised violence) I would have either frozen as you did, or exploded with inappropriate rage at the man, who was probably completely oblivious to the fact that you'd specifically requested to be massaged by a woman.

I do wonder if he could have remained oblivious throughout the massage though if you were so tense that your jaw is aching afterwards? It doesn't say much for his level of skill and being attuned to the needs of his client if that was the case. His decision to massage your arse when he should have registered that you were already tense and uncomfortable was unprofessional.

If I was feeling up for a fight I would also go into detail about all the ways their sending in a man (after you'd booked a session with a woman) has impacted on your wellbeing, and ask for my money back.

After all, not only did you not get the nice relaxing massage you'd paid for, but you were left so tense afterwards that your jaw hurts! You should list any other negative impacts too, including how likely you are to use their services again, to help them realise that there are very real reasons why women requesting female staff should be respected, and that there are consequences when that request is dismissed or ignored.

If they are a half way decent company they should be horrified to find out that their careless mistake left someone who paid for their services feeling traumatised, in which case they might both give you your money back AND offer you a free session with a female masseuse. Worth a try, and at the very least they won't be able to say "there's never been any problem before" when the next woman complains.

@RunningFromInsanity if you/your mum/daughter went to the doctors for an intimate examination would you not expect them to ask if it's ok for a male doctor to do it? Even if you agree, at my GP, they have a female chaperone present during this. Given professionals and businesses never know what trauma someone has been through, assuming it's fine to offer a man, shows immense ignorance to the suffering that happens to people.