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Original poster

Horrible massage experience

160 replies

earthtopluto · 08/10/2020 14:19

Just went for a massage. Booked online and selected a female massage therapist. When I got there they said she wasn't available as she was self isolating however another therapist would be with me shortly. She was just finishing up. In the mean time, fill in a form, undress, get on the bed, cover myself and relax. I did exactly this, put my head in the hole, waited, and the therapist came in. HE apologised for being late. I froze and was extremely uncomfortable as I was almost naked and about to be massaged by a man. I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be a woman as I had specifically asked for a certain person who was female. His name was Shahin and I wasn't aware that this was a male name as well as a female name, so didn't question it. I am a victim of domestic abuse, and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from my ex partner. I went in to fight or flight mode and just lay there and let him massage me. I'm sat in the car now just glad it's over. My jaw is actually hurting because of how tense I was. I know I should have checked beforehand and am not placing blame on anyone, I just needed to share this with someone as I am feeling nauseous and mentally drained from the experience. I feel like I was past this and that I would be able to cope in a situation like this, but clearly I am not as strong as I thought I am. Am I being pathetic?

OP posts:
diddl · 08/10/2020 16:51

Well tbh I would expect somewhere that is placing women in a vulnerable position to be more careful.

Even without what Op had been through, I think a lot of women might have found it difficult to speak up- face down & essentially naked in a small space(?)!

Plus for some it is so ingrained not to make a fuss, be nice, "grin & bear it".

silverbubbles · 08/10/2020 16:54

Totally normal to have your bum massaged. It's a very big muscle and would be odd to leave it out.

PollyPelargonium52 · 08/10/2020 17:00

Worth putting an online review on their site or page. Plus out of hundreds of massages received over the years in my experience it is not the norm to be massaging the bottom.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2020 17:12

I think you handled that very well. I can totally understand the freezing in the moment.

peppermintteadrinker · 08/10/2020 17:15

@TabbyStar

I actually think they should have checked, a large proportion of women have been sexually assaulted by men, and I wouldn't have been okay with this. I ended up with a male masseur at a spa once, and he massaged right into my groin, which I have never had a female do and I felt really uncomfortable but I was quite young and didn't say anything. If you'd been asked whether you consented to this man massaging you, you would have said no, so it's not surprising you feel shaky Thanks
They absolutely should have checked with you!
Coffeeandbeans · 08/10/2020 17:16

Today 15:43 Sirzy
“I agree with others that I would feedback to the company that they need to check if the gender of the therapist is going to be different to the one that the client selected.”

I disagree - they need to check if the *sex *of the therapist is going to be different to the one that the client selected. Otherwise she could have still ended up with a penis endowed person.

User43210 · 08/10/2020 17:21

@earthtopluto

Please call them and explain exactly what happened, including freezing and being scared of confrontation (obviously not disclosing your history, if you're not comfortable)

I can't understand how somewhere that will come across this situation lots wouldn't check if you were ok with a male substitute. Especially by calling ahead of it. I'm sure they should have some duty of care to people and I would be livid for my masseuse to be changed from a woman to a man.

I think they should certainly offer for a redo with a female masseuse as an apology.

I hope you're ok Thanks sounds awful

queenofknives · 08/10/2020 17:33

I don't think you are pathetic at all. This would have really upset me too.

I do think it's worth emailing the salon and saying how great everything was EXCEPT - and do tell them about how distressing it was for you. If you explain it like you have here, I am sure they will understand. I doubt that many women would be comfortable in that situation tbh.

toffeekiwi · 08/10/2020 17:38

@LadyofTheManners

Yeah to be honest it wasn't their fault, you should really double check with names that can be either or.
How could the OP check when she had booked a female to do the massage online and then only told that the woman wasn't available when she arrived?
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 08/10/2020 17:39

God poor you Flowers

I’ve never had my actual bum massaged in years of being massaged - I’d know because I have an unusual erogenous zone there and I’d certainly remember if that had been touched by a stranger

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 08/10/2020 17:40

(mine weren’t sports massages btw)

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/10/2020 17:55

I understood that the OP asked for this masseuse by name, but didnt realise that the name was also a man's name. Is that not what happened? If she asked by name I can see why they didnt think to check. I went to school with a male Shahin (though cant be 100% sure the spelling was exactly the same) so have always thought of it as a male name.

OP I hope you are ok, that must have been massively unpleasant for you. Flowers

neversayalways · 08/10/2020 18:03

Yeah to be honest it wasn't their fault, you should really double check with names that can be either or

No. It is absolutely their fault. If you have booked a female masseur and they are substituting with a male they should absolutely have stated that it would be a man, checked with you if that was ok and offered you a full refund if it wasn't.
Its blindlingly obvious that many women would not like to be massaged by a male for many reasons and to be lying near naked and having a male unexpectedly enter the room is clearly going to be a distressing experience for some women.
Utterly disgraceful behaviour on their behalf.

User43210 · 08/10/2020 18:07

@neversayalways

Yeah to be honest it wasn't their fault, you should really double check with names that can be either or

No. It is absolutely their fault. If you have booked a female masseur and they are substituting with a male they should absolutely have stated that it would be a man, checked with you if that was ok and offered you a full refund if it wasn't.
Its blindlingly obvious that many women would not like to be massaged by a male for many reasons and to be lying near naked and having a male unexpectedly enter the room is clearly going to be a distressing experience for some women.
Utterly disgraceful behaviour on their behalf.

Genuinely gives me palpitations, and I don't have a history like the OP.
Porcupineinwaiting · 08/10/2020 18:11

Just looked it up and Shahin is an Arabic name used predominantly (but not exclusively) for boys.

neversayalways · 08/10/2020 18:15

I am actually shocked that so many women on this thread seem to be OK with you being handed a male massage therapist without being asked. God above, have we sunk so low in our boundaries as women that companies can force a man onto us in an intimate environment without our consent???

Why should we have to open up about our own sexual assault history to earn the right to say no to men?

Absolutely this. Also disgusted by salon PP described who essentially scolded her with ' our masseurs are professional'. Thats' not the point. Our bodies are ours and we have absolute right to decide who does and does not touch them! How, in sodding 2020, can that STILL be open to debate?

As for the ' you should have said something when he came inot the room.' When you are naked and face down, that is an extemely disempowering position (literally) to be in. You can't even lift yourself up to speak to him directly without exposing your naked body to him. Most women would struggle to assert themselves, let alone a rape survivor.

I am sick of this woman blaming rubbish. A salon puts a women in this situation then the woman is to blame?! Good Lord!

neversayalways · 08/10/2020 18:19

OP booked a specific therapist. She never specified female onl

It takes a special kind of stupid not to realise that a women booking a female masseur may have done that for a reason.

jeaux90 · 08/10/2020 18:27

OP if you can phone and complain please do it. As women we are often very compliant and they need to understand they put you in an awful, frightening position.

We request females for a reason, we have female only spaces and services for a reason and they didn't respect you enough to honour your request.

If it makes you feel better tell them the message was good but you didn't enjoy it.

gypsywater · 08/10/2020 18:27

To me Shahin is an obviously male name, but I grew up in a multicultural city. Personally, I think that if you're not sure whether a name is a male or female name then the onus is on you to ask (if this makes a difference to you).

neversayalways · 08/10/2020 18:31

Personally, I think that if you're not sure whether a name is a male or female name then the onus is on you to ask (if this makes a difference to you)

Absolutely not. Many women won't have heard this name before and would naturally assume that if you have booked a female masseur the are substituting with a female masseur.

randomer · 08/10/2020 18:31

My female massage therapist ALWAYS massages my glutes and gets her elbow right down into my bum cheek

Never, ever has anybody done this to me. The drill is take off top half, lie on bed, towel tucked into underwear or trouser band.

Absolutley invasive and horrible.

gypsywater · 08/10/2020 18:34

@neversayalways That's cool, obviously everyone will have different opinions on this

Soundbyte · 08/10/2020 18:35

I cancelled my perinatal mental health apppintments when I learned they had assigned me a male counsellor as there weren’t any females with availability and that is just talking therapy. I def don’t blame you for feeling as you do Flowers

funnylittlefloozie · 08/10/2020 18:38

Oh ffs the people banging on about the mans name are as thick as the bloody salon people. The OP wanted a female to do her massage, it doesnt actually matter why. As a client of a service, thats what she asked for.

OP, i hope you do feel able to send a calm email saying exactly what you've told us, and let them know that their processes need work. A PP upthread posted a brilliant one that you virtually only need to C&P.

That said, you came through it. You recognised your bodily reactions, you recognised why you were so uncomfortable, you were able to post here and explain yourself in a tremendously articulate way. You did so well.

FWIW, i have had many massages, from both men and women, but they have ALWAYS asked and been respectful before touching anything that might be considered an intimate area. I like massages, i really need one as it happens.

MorganKitten · 08/10/2020 18:40

@earthtopluto

He massaged my bum as well which I have never had with a female therapist
That is normal - I’ve had that from male and female therapists
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