Horrible massage experience

[earthtopluto]

Just went for a massage. Booked online and selected a female massage therapist. When I got there they said she wasn't available as she was self isolating however another therapist would be with me shortly. She was just finishing up. In the mean time, fill in a form, undress, get on the bed, cover myself and relax. I did exactly this, put my head in the hole, waited, and the therapist came in. HE apologised for being late. I froze and was extremely uncomfortable as I was almost naked and about to be massaged by a man. I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be a woman as I had specifically asked for a certain person who was female. His name was Shahin and I wasn't aware that this was a male name as well as a female name, so didn't question it. I am a victim of domestic abuse, and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from my ex partner. I went in to fight or flight mode and just lay there and let him massage me. I'm sat in the car now just glad it's over. My jaw is actually hurting because of how tense I was. I know I should have checked beforehand and am not placing blame on anyone, I just needed to share this with someone as I am feeling nauseous and mentally drained from the experience. I feel like I was past this and that I would be able to cope in a situation like this, but clearly I am not as strong as I thought I am. Am I being pathetic?

You dealt with it well, though I can imagine how you felt. I’ve had similar myself abroad, which I won’t go into but I sympathise. There’s not much you can do when taken by surprise and your undressed- just can’t seem to think quick enough and don’t want to appear rude (if your like me). It’s easy to say oh you should’ve said this or that. It’s done now so it’s too late.

Definitely tell them for next time, always check beforehand. He was just doing his job, try and put it out of your mind if you can, easier said than done I know!

I'm so sorry that you've had a horrible experience. I hope you have the support in place that you need and can be gentle with yourself

He massaged my bum as well which I have never had with a female therapist

Hang on, that's weird and not okay unless it was discussed. As a man massaging a woman he should have been aware that many women would not be comfortable with that.

If you feel able to, please do email the company and tell them. You don't have to go into details about yourself, just let them know that you had booked a woman and wouldn't have booked an appointment with a man and didn't feel that you could say no one you were face down naked on a couch before you realised. Ask them to revise their procedures to ensure that women being treated by men know in advance and are asked if they are comfortable with being treated by a man. Also let them know that he massaged your buttocks which none of the women who have massaged you before have ever done, that you feel that was inappropriate and again would ask that they introduce a protocol for specific discussion and permission to be sought to touch intimate areas.

I would be happy to draft a copy of the email that you could send to them if you like.

Take good care of yourself. You survived a difficult situation today xxx

They should have told you. That must have been a shock. I’m not sure I would want a man to massage me either. I would email them and complain, at the very least it might make them change their policies to not give some other woman the same shock.
Take a deep breath, you have got this, you got through it and you are safe.

I'm a massage therapist and rape survivor, and I've rarely heard this issue being given the importance it deserves on any training course I've been on. It should be a given that a therapist checks that it's okay to put their hands on you, and that you are comfortable with them. You should have been asked if you were happy with a male therapist and asked if there are areas of your body to be avoided etc. There are so many small ways to provide reassurance and dignity. I'm so sorry, and I think it's a gap in training in our industry, which I certainly bring up everywhere I go.

There is no need for them to routinely ask people

They're dealing with naked people. The industry is sufficiently skewed to female therapists that most people expect a woman without thinking about it. It takes seconds and is just good practice.

Not ok OP, they should have checked and I'd have been caught off guard too if they'd just sent a male masseur in without explicitly asking. There's nothing unusual about wanting to limit this kind of contact to someone of the same sex, my surgery specifies the sex of each GP for this reason. You don't need to justify it to anyone

Are you in the UK? Because the not checking and assuming you'd be fine with sounds very Czech and Swedish to me.

I'm going to have to leave this thread. I am astounded that in the massage industry, it is not the norm to ask whether a woman is comfortable being naked and touched by a man. I have no words. None.

OP - to be fair - a few years ago I had a massage with a recommended hot stone or cups masseuse in the London area - not cheap and a gay man too. I'm sure a female friend recommended me too.

I don't know but whenever he massaged me I was sometimes slightly aware of a hand straying a bit too far into or onto certain areas which made me feel uncomfortable - I had I think about 3 sessions and then didn't return. It doesn't mean just because they're gay they won't find women attractive or try to touch them inappropriately.

In this respect - I don't think there's much you can do now - but you could write a review stating that due to the name of the person you weren't aware if it was a female or male masseuse and that this could be triggering for some people, I don't think that's an unfair comment to make. Try to calm down now and next time if you go for a massage just double, triple check etc the sex of the masseuse.

@ColleagueFromMars

I'm so sorry that you've had a horrible experience. I hope you have the support in place that you need and can be gentle with yourself

He massaged my bum as well which I have never had with a female therapist

Hang on, that's weird and not okay unless it was discussed. As a man massaging a woman he should have been aware that many women would not be comfortable with that.

If you feel able to, please do email the company and tell them. You don't have to go into details about yourself, just let them know that you had booked a woman and wouldn't have booked an appointment with a man and didn't feel that you could say no one you were face down naked on a couch before you realised. Ask them to revise their procedures to ensure that women being treated by men know in advance and are asked if they are comfortable with being treated by a man. Also let them know that he massaged your buttocks which none of the women who have massaged you before have ever done, that you feel that was inappropriate and again would ask that they introduce a protocol for specific discussion and permission to be sought to touch intimate areas.

I would be happy to draft a copy of the email that you could send to them if you like.

Take good care of yourself. You survived a difficult situation today xxx

The bum massage is certainly what masseuses do not do at all.

They will massage eg in an area above your lower back and spine but not on the bum cheeks.

"The bum massage is certainly what masseuses do not do at all.

They will massage eg in an area above your lower back and spine but not on the bum cheeks."

Rather depends on the type of massage you're having, and the therapist. I most certainly DO massage the buttocks when it is required, which it quite often is in remedial massage.

I don't think you need to contact the salon about it, especially as you don't want to do so. As you've said, it was just an unfortunate misunderstanding, and no-one was to blame.

You're definitely not unreasonable to feel as you do, and next time you book a massage, I'd be sure to specify that you want a female masseuse. If there's a mix-up and a man walks into the room, I'd stop him right away and tell him you've booked a woman.

I can't believe there would be a problem with requesting a woman. I'd imagine there are many women who wouldn't want a man massaging them, regardless of their personal history.

No you are not being pathetic. I have not been through anything traumatic as you have but I still prefer a female therapist and would be uncomfortable with a male

This. I am not even keen on male hairdressers, I don't know why!

You're not pathetic at all, it was just an innocent mistake but that's definitely what it was - a mistake and absolutely on their part. You requested a female masseuse and that's what they should have given you. They should have checked.

As an aside, I think the draft email by jaded is very well drafted and not an essay at all. Do send something like that, OP.

OP who cares how he felt!
He didn't even check that you were ok for him to do the massage, so he clearly wasn't exactly caring about your feelings.
Plus you must have been horrendously tense, which he should have noticed.

Definitely email the company. They need to know that what happened to you was wrong, and they need to make sure it doesn't happen again to anyone. Ideally give you a free female conducted massage as an apology too.

You're not being pathetic. I have massages regularly, have never been through any sexual abuse and I would hate this.

I also think the salon was in the wrong not to check. Many women dont want to be massaged by a man (I include myself here).
I would drop them an email and explain how upset you are and hopefully they will offer you a free massage with a female therapist.
But well done for getting though it, not a nice experience.

I have regular massage, cranial osteopathy so I’m very familiar with this world.

It’s totally their fault. They should have called you beforehand to discuss. I don’t believe your masseuse went into isolation that very morning. And even if she did they should have called to cancel first thing. They should have offered you other therapists or to postpone, but you’re not obliged to accept either.

It’s totally unacceptable to foist a random bloke on you when you requested a woman.

I’ve had my bum massaged by male and female masseuses, it really depends on their technique. They should always ask if you’re comfortable with it first though.

I would absolutely hate this myself. I think it’s completely wrong that they didn’t ask you if you were okay with a male masseur. If the therapist you asked for her was self isolating, they should have told you this before you arrived. I would complain and explain exactly what happened. It’s not acceptable.
Also why is it okay to mention whether a therapist is gay or not? I wouldn’t want to be massaged by a man whether or not he was gay. Not unless I was prepared and knew what to expect.

The management don’t have to tell the therapist you were uncomfortable, but they need to know - they must review their booking practices.

@Howzaboutye

OP who cares how he felt! He didn't even check that you were ok for him to do the massage, so he clearly wasn't exactly caring about your feelings. Plus you must have been horrendously tense, which he should have noticed.

Definitely email the company. They need to know that what happened to you was wrong, and they need to make sure it doesn't happen again to anyone. Ideally give you a free female conducted massage as an apology too.

He wouldn't necessarily have had an idea that the OP wasn't comfortable. It would be poor practice for the therapist to be the one to ask 'are you ok with me doing your treatment' - that should be the receptionist.

My female massage therapist ALWAYS massages my glutes and gets her elbow right down into my bum cheeks. Any male masseur I have had has also done this, without checking if I am OK with it.

My personal preference for a massage is a man as I need very firm pressure and the size and shape of a man's hands plus the generally higher strength levels give me a better experience.

That said, if you are in the UK (have not read the whole thread) it is unusual for a man to be doing the job. I think you handled the situation well. I agree that you should raise the issue with the salon, but I don't agree that it is a cause for complaint as such. You will know next time that they employ men and can ensure that you specifically request a female.

And yes, it does matter to some extent how he felt if he was not being unprofessional. It's not his fault you were unaware he was male and specifically wanted a female. I've been in several situations (in the UK) where men have come in to the office and been openly aghast that a woman was doing the work. It was very unpleasant.

I’ve actually never had a massage where I haven’t met the masseuse fully clothed first, escorted to room and then asked to undress and get in the bed while they wait outside. In that scenario, it’s far easier to say “I’m so sorry, I’m nit entirely comfortable with being massaged by a man” because you’re not already naked and vulnerable.

So I think the service they offer could be improved in 2 ways - checking with the client first about male or female practitioner, and also allowing the client to first meet their massage therapist fully clothed to discuss what sort of massage they’re happy with. It just builds confidence for the client.

OP, I would have hated this, and understand your distress. If you can, do please complain to the salon. It should have been made very clear that your therapist was male before you went into the room, and you should have been allowed to re-book with the female that you actually requested. If someone doesn't mind what sex their therapist is, they don't make a specification, do they? That salon let you down badly by lying by omission. I'd not want to book with them again and I'd be telling all my friends about it too. That's disgraceful.