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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
peachypetite · 08/10/2020 14:10

Just tell her you can’t afford to be out of pocket.

Anordinarymum · 08/10/2020 14:11

It's her wedding. She should pay

burnoutbabe · 08/10/2020 14:13

just say you don't have a dress like that in your wardrobe so unfortunately not can't be a bridemaid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2020 14:13

Of course YANBU. You know that. Just say no.

There is no excuse ever for making BMs pay for their own dresses if you’re dictating what they get. Hardship? If you’re so hard up you don’t engage a fleet of attendants. You have the wedding you can afford. And she’s minted so just no.

What have the others said and are you willing to step down if she digs her heels in?

Corneliusmurphy · 08/10/2020 14:13

That’s weird she paid for the last ones but now think you should buy your own?

She should buy them, she could always attempt to sell them on afterwards if she’s worried about cost.

HandfulofDust · 08/10/2020 14:13

A bridesmaid dress in a specific colour? She definitely has to pay.

If she was just asking you to wear something tasteful with no specifics it's OK to ask you to pay.

Catsup · 08/10/2020 14:15

No, and be very firm on it. Also double check whose paying for your shoes, hair, make up? If she wants the frills she needs to pay. If she refuses say you don't have the money to buy something new but she's welcome to select something from X outfits you have already. I bet she'll either put her hand in or her pocket or the ASOS dress will suddenly be okay again.

fairlygoodmother · 08/10/2020 14:16

You’re not unreasonable, the bride should pay for bridesmaid dresses. You also don’t sound like you really like her. Do you? Because if not you have absolutely nothing to lose by insisting that she pay.

SurreyHillsGirl · 08/10/2020 14:18

Yes, she should pay. Of course! The bride and groom should pay for everything for the bridesmaids (including best men if there is a certain dress code that the groom wants the best men to adhere to). My DH bought suits for his best men (he had two) and I paid for everything for my bridesmaids. Why should anyone chosen to participate in a wedding pay for anything?

However, are you sure you want to be her bridesmaid, you sound a bit resentful!

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:20

Everyone else has said it's a great idea and they 'love the idea'.

The issue is that I can afford it, she knows that. I'd just much rather spend £40 on something else.

Yes it does sound like I don't like her...she was my best friend (I am MOH) but there's been a lot of issues lately we've still not met to discuss and I've become bitter and bitchy - this has just royally pissed me off. I was already quite irritated because of the designer bag post, I own the bag she bought so it isn't jealousy, it's just that we're in the middle of a pandemic and people are losing their jobs...and you need to show off on Instagram?
Tacky.

OP posts:
wishing3 · 08/10/2020 14:20

Maybe she’s assuming she’ll pay you back. If you’ve not replied could you just say ‘of course, what’s the budget?’.

Florencex · 08/10/2020 14:20

Now I always thought that bridesmaids bought their own dresses, that is what I have known anyway. I would add I have never been a bridesmaid and nor did I have any at my wedding, but I understood that is what happens from others.

But if you don’t agree and don’t want to buy a dress, I think you are perfectly justified to turning the role down.

woofwoof1880 · 08/10/2020 14:21

It's her wedding she should pay. She sounds incredibly high maintenance but if you do want to continue with the friendship or be part of the wedding party, I'd be having a conversation with her so she understands how rude it is to ask people to pay for the dresses. She just might be ignorant rather than nasty.

peachypetite · 08/10/2020 14:25

@Florencex no, in the UK it is expected the bride pays. Same should apply to hair and make up!

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:25

@wishing3

Maybe she’s assuming she’ll pay you back. If you’ve not replied could you just say ‘of course, what’s the budget?’.
I did she responded 'there's no budget I can't afford it, so you need to pay'
OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 08/10/2020 14:25

I’d tell her you can’t afford it and leave the ball in her court.

Catsup · 08/10/2020 14:27

Are there plans for a hen party or paying for an overnight stay in a hotel too? Because that'll be money you'll be forking out for too

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:27

Shoes we have to wear our own, I have strict instructions to wear platform heels because of my height (or lack of).

Hair and makeup, I believe we do ourselves.

OP posts:
User4152790 · 08/10/2020 14:28

YANBU - her wedding, she should pay. She’s being bloody cheeky imo.

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:28

@Catsup

Are there plans for a hen party or paying for an overnight stay in a hotel too? Because that'll be money you'll be forking out for too
Hen is £300 each, was meant to be last year but I managed to reschedule without losing any. She has uninvited half the hen to the wedding (invited to the evening only, no where near where anyone lives and in the middle of the countryside) so I already know some people will be angry with that. But covid is a great excuse!!!!
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2020 14:31

What did you say when she said there was no budget?

And what’s wrong with the previous dresses?

Bwlch · 08/10/2020 14:31

Just knock the cost of the dress off the gift.

ZezetteEpouseX · 08/10/2020 14:32

high neck is the last thing you should wear if you try to hide your boobs. She is bonkers. And rude.

katy1213 · 08/10/2020 14:32

Stand down as bridesmaid. And turn up as a guest with your bosom flopping out of the lowest-cut dress you can find - even if you have to buy it specially and never wear it again!

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 08/10/2020 14:32

Do you speak to the other bridesmaids? Are they happy to pay or do they feel the same?
It would brasier if you said as a group it wasn't ok