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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:

VeganCow · 09/10/2020 07:50

I don't get why you wouldn't just be texting her back after she sent this to you 'there's no budget I can't afford it, so you need to pay' with 'I can't afford it either'

showmethegin · 09/10/2020 08:06

@toffeekiwi Why? How rude are you? It's not what I would spend a grand on but OP works hard for her money and saved up to buy something for herself that she really wanted. Don't be so superior

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 09/10/2020 08:06

Turn up naked with your matching £1k handbag.

Sleepingdogs12 · 09/10/2020 08:28

Madness, you can't dictate the style and colour of the dress then tell people to buy their own especially if you aren't on a shoestring budget. Awkward if everyone else has said that is fine though . I would do it and just give a token present. At least hopefully you'll get something that suits you.

Burnthurst187 · 09/10/2020 08:33

I think you need to start questioning your friendship as to me it sounds like it's falling apart quite fast and there's a lot of resentment and bitchiness. She sounds like a spoilt brat

I think I'd be bordering on ditching her and not going to the wedding right now.

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/10/2020 08:48

It doesn't matter if she knows you can afford it, OP, it isn't her place to spend your money for you. Especially not when you're already paying for an expensive hen do.

It is completely respectable to simply say you're not able/willing to spend money on a niche bridesmaid dress that you won't wear again; your money needs to go towards paying for YOUR wedding, not hers.

Perhaps the people saying 'it's just £40' - and ignoring that you have said it would actually be more expensive than that - could volunteer to transfer you the money? Since it clearly doesn't mean anything to them

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/10/2020 08:50

Also, ignore all the bitter people who have gotten defensive about you mentioning your bag. Sometimes the vipers come out on a thread for no fathomable reason! It was very clear why it was relevant to the context of your comment

Nottherealslimshady · 09/10/2020 08:52

"Sorry I cant afford to buy my bridesmaid dress for your wedding when I'm also saving for my own wedding and your bridesmaid dress for that."
She's being a right cheeky fucker.

user1471538283 · 09/10/2020 09:08

If she wants you to wear a new dress then she pays for it. I've been an adult bridesmaid twice in dresses and the bride paid for them. In one wedding there was only me so I had a dress, hair and make up paid for. With another friend she wanted it to be low key so we were jeans

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/10/2020 09:13

@Nottherealslimshady

"Sorry I cant afford to buy my bridesmaid dress for your wedding when I'm also saving for my own wedding and your bridesmaid dress for that." She's being a right cheeky fucker.

This is perfect!

RattleOfBars · 09/10/2020 09:14

YANBU

Tell her to choose and pay for the dresses she wants you to wear.

If she wants you all in high necked dresses yet hers has a mesh front she’s probably insecure and wants all attention on her. Are you or any of the bridesmaids particularly stunning or likely to overshadow her with your beauty?

Every time I’ve been a bridesmaid the bride paid for my dress, apart from once when a close friend was really hard up, and I offered she didn’t ask me to pay!

RattleOfBars · 09/10/2020 09:16

And yes she should be paying for your shoes, wraps, professional hair/make up and matching bags if that’s what she wants!

Wibblypiggly · 09/10/2020 09:18

Not much of this adds up. Literally.

IloveZoflora · 09/10/2020 09:18

I paid for everything for bridesmaids and flower girls at my wedding... hair make up nails let them keep it too. Didn't buy jewellery or bags they sorted their own. Even got flats for the evening. YANBU.

Scoobydoobywho · 09/10/2020 09:31

Those saying op should just fork out for another £40 dress because she can afford it. What if the bride changes her mind again and then again, when would you say enough is enough.

notalwaysalondoner · 09/10/2020 09:59

The bride should always pay if they are having requirements about what you wear (at least that is the norm in the UK). So if she just says “wear something pink and let me know if you don’t have anything and we can figure something out” it’s fine as it’s assuming you’ll wear something you already have or buy something you love to wear again. But if it’s specific in any way then she pays. I paid for my bridesmaid dresses as I wanted them to all be the same, but they wore their own shoes as I just said nude or gold shoes and let me know if they didn’t have anything and we’d find a compromise. Especially if the dresses are that price and she has received that kind of money towards the wedding, that’s crazy! I agree with others - confirm now if she is paying for hair, make up, accessories etc as you don’t want any nasty surprises. I guarantee you the other bridesmaids are having the same thoughts.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/10/2020 10:21

she responded 'there's no budget I can't afford it, so you need to pay'

Right back at her with 'Neither can I'. If she says she knows you can, likewise you say the same! You've got more leverage here, it's her that wants this new dress. Just stand your ground.

Ginfordinner · 09/10/2020 10:58

@BasiliskStare

OK I am entirely missing the point here

but if you had chosen your wedding / theme etc and thought it was good - why would you change your mind about the colour for a wedding some months later ? ( I did not have bridesmaids so many of these points go completely over my head )

Yes, why has she changed the colour theme? What is different this time?

MintyChops · 09/10/2020 12:11

She’s very cheeky and mean. It will probably end in her firing you as a BM if you say (as you should) that you are not going to be paying for your own dress in this instance. Be prepared for that, but I would absolutely be happy to be fired.

Newmumatlast · 09/10/2020 12:37

@julietteb18

Everyone else has said it's a great idea and they 'love the idea'.

The issue is that I can afford it, she knows that. I'd just much rather spend £40 on something else.

Yes it does sound like I don't like her...she was my best friend (I am MOH) but there's been a lot of issues lately we've still not met to discuss and I've become bitter and bitchy - this has just royally pissed me off. I was already quite irritated because of the designer bag post, I own the bag she bought so it isn't jealousy, it's just that we're in the middle of a pandemic and people are losing their jobs...and you need to show off on Instagram?
Tacky.

I would also have enough money to do this but wouldn't. Imo if you're dictating what someone wears/looks like, you pay for it. End of story. She can pay for your replacement dress out of the money she makes selling the old ones or else she can choose to replace you. I would be fine with either option.

Chonkyfire · 09/10/2020 12:47

Tell her no - she should pay for it - she asked you, so it is her responsibility. She might tell you she doesn’t want you in the bridal party anymore, so you have to decide if you are ok with that. Personally, I would be very fucking ok with it.

She sounds very insecure what with her don’t wear any figure enhancing frocks etc etc. I get you shouldn’t be wearing anything very revealing but quite honestly as a bride, I wanted my bridesmaids looking their absolute best and wearing something they had some say on. You want your bridesmaids happy and feeling confident on the day.

debwong · 09/10/2020 20:30

@julietteb18 What have you decided?

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