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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
iusedtoloveopalfruits1 · 08/10/2020 16:03

So she can’t afford it but she was gifted 50k for the wedding! Tell her to get tae actual F*ck.
You don’t this drama in your life she sounds like a nightmare

Derbee · 08/10/2020 16:05

You don’t sound as if you really like her, so you should bow out. You’ve made the point of telling us that you’ve paid £1k for a bag, yet you won’t pay £40 or so for a dress?

Neither of you are hard up, so it doesn’t matter who pays the £40. You obviously resent her, and don’t want to pay. So don’t.

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2020 16:06

I did she responded 'there's no budget I can't afford it, so you need to pay

I would reply: "lol."

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/10/2020 16:08

The lack of budget makes sense if a chunk of the £50k has been used to pay for the recent holidays. It doesn't make it the OP's problem though!

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 08/10/2020 16:11

Have you still got the dress she bought you? I think I'd be keeping it on principal, as if she's selling them why can't she use the money to buy the new ones?

I was going to say this. And also, suggest you take the trouble to sell the dress on her behalf and you'll put the money towards a new dress.

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 16:13

@Booboobibles

They were given £50k for the wedding and can’t afford bridesmaids dresses? I’m confused🤔
To be honest, if I told you the venue you'd see how £50k disappears. I believe that the venue is £250 per head for food and she no longer wants her original dress and wants a new one (so another 2k, I guess that it adds up and it's the priority).

This isn't just about money, I've said that I technically can afford it. I am just not financially prepared to. The dress will not be £40, the one's she bought originally were. She is looking at dresses around £85. I am getting married and paying for her dresses etc, I didn't get gifted any money so I'm trying to save.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2020 16:14

She should, of course, pay for the dresses.
She's going to get the money back for the original dresses - why not spend that on the new ones she wants?
Unless her family has suddenly gone bankrupt, but you'd kind of expect her to NOT be blowing £1k on a bag if that were the case...

It does all sound very bridezilla-ish - are you sure you want to continue to be involved?

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 16:17

@friendlycat

I really don't understand why she isn't paying for the dresses when she was originally. It really is the norm. If she has the temerity to say that she can't afford it, well I suppose you could claim the same straight back at her as well. However, I must say this all seems super ridiculous over what you say are £40 dresses. Where can you actually get a bridesmaid style dress at £40?!
they were the ASOS ones in the sale originally, now there is no sale and the colour she has gone for is more niche!
OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 08/10/2020 16:19

Forget the bag thing & the contribution to her wedding - you can do nothing about that. But asking you to buy another BM dress I think is a bit weird - why does she not like the original colour scheme ? If it was good enough then , why not now. I would just say - great - sell the dress - let me know what you got for it - send it through it & I'll buy another. ( assuming you still want to be MoD / Bridesmaid, But then I speak as one who had no bridesmaids

Sunnydaysstillhere · 08/10/2020 16:22

Niche you say?
Yellow maybe?

to think bride should pay for our dresses?
Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 16:22

The only reason I mentioned the bag is because I was afraid I'd seem jealous of her being able to afford one. I could along time ago, after working horrible hours in my job to get to where I am today. I don't have kids and had different priorities, the bag was an achievement for me. I am not in a position to buy expensive bags now though or expensive anything, I'm having a small wedding with few people but I still have to save.

We are from very different families, I was raised below the bread line, she is obviously wealthy. We met at work in the same corporate firm.

OP posts:
AestheticWitch · 08/10/2020 16:24

@SummerHouse

You both own a 1k bag and are both reluctant to pay £40 for a dress. This is a world gone mad.
This, the issue of the dress is just a symptom of a friendship gone bad I think!
Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 16:24

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Niche you say? Yellow maybe?
haha, no it's a normal colour but a niche version of that colour. So for example, it can't be blue, it must be a specific blue.

I am tempted to get a low cut dress since I would normally. The comment to the group about boobs was definitely aimed at me as I have a very small waist and reasonably big boobs so it always looks bigger, so I attempt to dress for that figure or I look like a sack of potatoes.

OP posts:
Swallowzandamazons · 08/10/2020 16:34

If she's that intense right now, imagine what she's going to be like later, especially if weddings are postponed yet again.

Run.

GruffaIo · 08/10/2020 16:36

Not sure why OP is getting a hard time about her own bag. The fact that OP owns a designer bag is relevant - she's making clear that she can afford the dress and the bride would know she can afford the dress. She's not bragging in any way.

Anyway, I understand OP - it's her attitude. She could surely afford it from the £50k, or up to £40/dress from the returned dresses (-how long ago were they bought such that it's even fair of her to expect the store to take them back?). So she's choosing not to pay for them despite having already paid. She's making it others' problem that she's changed her colour scheme. Tacky.

Sunshineandmoonlight · 08/10/2020 16:41

I agree with poster above, you have pointedly mentioned jealously and that the bag was yours. I think she is unreasonable but I’m not sure that’s actually why you posted.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 08/10/2020 16:44

Just say no, and you'd be happy to be a guest if she's struggling to do right by her bridesmaids. Smile kindly as you say it.

Africa2go · 08/10/2020 16:44

Bride & Groom always pay for the wedding party. End of. If you can't afford to pay for dresses / suits, you don't have a wedding party. If you have to have a wedding party for some reason, you just have a best man / bridesmaids in their normal wedding guest outfits (personally I think "I didn't contribute as its a dress they can wear again" is rubbish too).

Obviously she's not of the same view. Leaves you with a choice of potentially falling out over this, or sucking it up. I think ordinarily there would be a middle ground of politely explaining that you hadn't factored the cost of a bridesmaid dress into your budget, particularly with your own wedding coming up and paying for your own wedding party - but it sounds as if that won't make any difference here.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/10/2020 16:49

YANBU about the dress but your post doesn't make you sound very nice or much of a friend to her

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/10/2020 16:54

Once a friendship has soured, there's no going back imo. Pointless to keep throwing money at it - you wouldn't resent the cost if she wasn't already annoying the fuck out of you!

CarrieDS · 08/10/2020 16:58

I would be irritated also. And I did buy my bridesmaids' their dresses.

However, I wonder if the stress is worth your energy. Some people do go a bit loopy when it comes to their wedding, and make odd decisions. She may look back in the future and wonder what on earth she was thinking making you all buy your own dresses. She might appreciate you just got on an supported her, despite her self-absorbed behaviour. Are there other bridesmaids you can consult on the matter?

Can you buy yourself a dress you like well enough, and then sell it on eBay a week later almost same price as "worn once"?

NiceandCalm · 08/10/2020 16:59

She's got a flaming cheek! I'd go all out and really shine on the day - buy a really glamorous dress that shows off your curves, in a subtle way and just smile sweetly.

zoemum2006 · 08/10/2020 17:00

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and I had a smaller budget than that!

The only time a BM should pay is if they’d agreed at the beginning because it was a low/key DIY affair.

wink1970 · 08/10/2020 17:00

DO NOT agree to this, on principle. It's not even relevant that she's loaded or that you can afford it, it's just the first of what will be many Bridezilla moments.

TheTeenageYears · 08/10/2020 17:01

I had this when I was a bridesmaid. Wealthy family, free ride for the B&G but some very bizarre decisions on where to spend money and where not. Photo's took forever and beyond one drink everyone had to but their own except they then had a free bar in the evening. It was like they thought how can we make as many people as possible see what we've spent on the wedding whilst cutting corners like getting ushers to pay for rental suits. It completely pissed me off at the time.

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