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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Devlesko · 08/10/2020 15:14

It's her wedding and she should pay. Tell her you haven't got that sort of money as you are not from a rich family.

BewilderedDoughnut · 08/10/2020 15:17

You speak as if you hate her and hold a lot of resentment. I’d just call it a day on your friendship to be honest!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/10/2020 15:19

I'd just say

"Sorry I'm not able to justify a bridesmaid dress on top of an expensive hen weekend. I'm happy to wear the dress you've already bought, or can exchange it for one the same price in a colour you would prefer"

Devlesko · 08/10/2020 15:21

So you have a 1k bag too, that you decided to tell us about.
I wouldn't have one given tbh, not so vacuous.
Good job though being as me and my dh have lost our work and are struggling financially.
You are just as tacky as her, I can see why you are friends, and why she asked you to be moh, 2 peas in a pod.

friendlycat · 08/10/2020 15:22

I really don't understand why she isn't paying for the dresses when she was originally. It really is the norm. If she has the temerity to say that she can't afford it, well I suppose you could claim the same straight back at her as well.
However, I must say this all seems super ridiculous over what you say are £40 dresses. Where can you actually get a bridesmaid style dress at £40?!

MagpieSong · 08/10/2020 15:23

My bridesmaids got their own dresses, colour was the only thing that tied them together. However, I’d asked from the start and if someone couldn’t afford it would help out, we wanted friends to have a dress they could rewear. We were poor as anything, all young and just leaving uni, did a bring your own picnic for food and made our own cake and a buffet for those who didn’t want to bring a picnic (weren’t many, people were happy to choose things they actually liked). We also did not expect presents from equally not well off young friends and made that clear, though people were very kind and we did get cards and gifts. So I disagree with pp about if you can’t afford dresses, don’t have bridesmaids - just be happy with the fact you might have to ask them all to wear jeans at a push! Money isn’t the be all and end all of getting married, and neither are dresses. But this sounds totally different and not a situation where it makes much sense.

I think the sudden change is an issue and the fact you both (Esp her) sound well off is unusual for this situation. It’s seems odd she can afford a designer bag, but not a dress, and that she has so many requests on high neck etc when she wants you to buy it. I think she needs to back down in style requests or pay herself really. Is she particularly stressed out at the moment? It’s a shame you both seem to be clashing over a dress, especially when guests are limited at the moment. Maybe borrowing a dress or saving for one would be an option? I think chatting (face to face or at least on the phone and not text) might be worth while, maybe other bridesmaids complained about the last dress and she then thought it was too tricky and decided to do a buy it yourself? Sometimes these things don’t come across well over text (I could be wrong about text, just sounds like it from you saying didn’t respond). It would be a shame to not resolve it when the reasoning behind the change isn’t known.

RandomMess · 08/10/2020 15:23

Sounds like it's time for you to step back and step down as MOH tbh.

movingonup20 · 08/10/2020 15:25

Bride pays (in uk) unless it's a "wear whatever you have" kind of wedding.

52andblue · 08/10/2020 15:26

I had an exceptionally modest wedding, 20 years ago mind.
1 bridesmaid (and her partner) 1 best man, 5 siblings children involved.
We paid for all attire and small 'thank you' gifts.
All v modest but it suited us very well even if we'd not been poor

I'd bow out now. It sounds stressful

SapphireSeptember · 08/10/2020 15:27

Have you still got the dress she bought you? I think I'd be keeping it on principal, as if she's selling them why can't she use the money to buy the new ones?

wibdib · 08/10/2020 15:27

Do you think there’s something else going on? If she has been gifted money for a wedding and house deposit but is suddenly scrabbling around for you to buy your own bridesmaids dresses but wanting to sell the old ones... something doesn’t add up!

Dillo10 · 08/10/2020 15:28

I'd say sounds good and ask what her budget is
Then it's clear you assume she is paying
She should definitely pay - I paid for my bridesmaid dresses, hair and make up. They paid for their shoes.
I paid for all their dress alterations too if needed (£30 ish) except for one bridesmaid who lost a lot of weight and was particularly fussy and her alterations ended up being over £100 - probably unnecessary - but even then I split with her 50/50
I also paid for them all and their partners to stay at a hotel near my wedding venue (£350 a room/2 nights)
And I bought them all beautiful gifts to thank them for being my bridesmaids
I'm not saying all this to show off, I had to compromise other areas of my wedding to do this, but it was important to me to look after my wedding party.
Basically you should NEVER be out of pocket - being a bridesmaid is a privilege but it's also a massive hassle and quite draining, you shouldn't have to pay extra for the experience if you ask me!

bengalcat · 08/10/2020 15:29

Send the dress back as requested . Bride pays for outfits in my opinion .

EndlessWaffle · 08/10/2020 15:31

Of course YANBU but then somewhere in this thread you say you can afford it but just don't want to be £40 out of pocket: is that how much the dress will cost? I'm on your side in principle, but if it's just £40 and you can afford it and no one else is making a fuss about it then maybe it's just not that much of a big deal 🤷‍♀️

EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/10/2020 15:32

Definitely stand down as moh. She’ll only get worse.

1forAll74 · 08/10/2020 15:33

I wouldn't pay for the dress, and all the regulations surrounding it, and I would probably drop out of the wedding if any hassle and stuff was going on.

ILikeTrains · 08/10/2020 15:33

Is this a thing? Bridesmaids having to pay for their own dresses? I've never heard of a bride expecting her bridesmaids to do that.

If a bride can't afford to pay for the bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair and make up then she shouldn't asking them to be her bridesmaids.

Charleyhorses · 08/10/2020 15:35

Ideal reason to bail.

2bazookas · 08/10/2020 15:37

Give her back the dress and explain that because of covid you have had to rethink your finances and are not prepared to buy a BM dress you'll never wear again. Also, wedding numbers are severely limited. So you are resigning as brides-maid , someone else can enjoy the opportunity.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 08/10/2020 15:41

Find the link to the most hideous dress in the appropriate colour. Make sure it's 40 quid. Tell her you have ordered it..

Mintjulia · 08/10/2020 15:43

Agree with PPs, time to step down at MoH. By the time you've bought dress, platform shoes, hen night and travel, it's too much.

Your friend needs a reality check.

ColleagueFromMars · 08/10/2020 15:44

People's finances change, mine fluctuate, and thanks to Ebay and factory outlets I own Radley handbags that would normally be outside of my budget, so I can understand owning a £1k handbag but not having a spare £40 for a dress (which let's face it, they're usually more than that).

She also bought the dresses then changed the colour scheme - that's very bridezilla of her, and what happens if she changes it again, once OP has bought a new dress?

Has she blown the £50k on the venue etc??

This bride should pay for the new dresses.

Wearywithteens · 08/10/2020 15:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Crankley · 08/10/2020 15:51

I did she responded 'there's no budget I can't afford it, so you need to pay'

I would reply: What a coincidence, neither can I. In the circumstances I think it best for me to withdraw from being bridesmaid.

I've been a bridesmaid eight times, never once paid for my own dress etc.

burnoutbabe · 08/10/2020 16:01

its one thing to be provided with a £40 dress.

its another to be told that YOU need to find a very specific type of dress, which does not sound like its going to be cheap, in a specific colour. that would cost a lot more, i imagine, especially if you don't want to look crap (and the very cheap BM dresses, may well suit a load of thin 20somethigs and would look rubbish on anyway a bit older, bit more of a figure).

If you are clearly in a brides pick, its not so bad if you look naf. if you all clearly picked yourself (and so are different), then its on you if you look naf. So you tend to try and avoid that!

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