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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Mangofandangoo · 08/10/2020 17:04

Going against the grain here OP but if I were the bride in this situation I'd much rather you were just honest about it instead of slagging me off on the internet

Who needs enemy's eh

LookAtThatCritter · 08/10/2020 17:04

I think it’s unreasonable to dictate the exact style etc of dress if you’re making your bridesmaids get their own. However, it’s also unreasonable to jump to conclusions about their money. They might have a ton of money sitting on credit cards while they try and live a certain lifestyle. Can’t assume they’re minted just because they’ve been gifted money and buy expensive things.

Mommabear20 · 08/10/2020 17:07

On a budget of £6k for the whole wedding we bought all 6 of my bridesmaids dresses! I chose to have 6, and I chose what dresses I wanted therefore I paid. Simple! Have the wedding you can afford!

GladAllOver · 08/10/2020 17:10

Just dye the original dress in her preferred colour.

Phrowzunn · 08/10/2020 17:10

No excuse for that. We are not especially well off and I paid for my bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, hair and make-up. And I let them choose their own. It was worked into the budget, if I couldn’t have afforded it I would have cut back on something else. You shouldn’t have to pay to be a Bridesmaid, that’s ridiculous - SHE asked YOU!

WouldBeGood · 08/10/2020 17:11

YANBU. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people. She had dresses, no need to change colour. If she insists, she pays.

It also sounds to me as though she’s trying to make you look crap. I’m large of nork and a high necked dress sound look awful and woulda make me feel really awkward.

I don’t understand the obsession with telling grown women what to wear. If it makes you feel better, I sacked off my elderly bridesmaid duties when the bride sent me a picture and said I should get a dress in the material of the fuschia satin curtains 😂

DailyFailstinks · 08/10/2020 17:14

Yep, she definitely should pay. This new trend of asking bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, etc is so tacky!

RationalOne · 08/10/2020 17:14

YANBU

She sounds dreadfully tacky and inappropriate to ask given her family wealth - she should pay. Tell her it is expected that a bride covers the cost.

VettiyaIruken · 08/10/2020 17:22

@julietteb18

The only reason I mentioned the bag is because I was afraid I'd seem jealous of her being able to afford one. I could along time ago, after working horrible hours in my job to get to where I am today. I don't have kids and had different priorities, the bag was an achievement for me. I am not in a position to buy expensive bags now though or expensive anything, I'm having a small wedding with few people but I still have to save.

We are from very different families, I was raised below the bread line, she is obviously wealthy. We met at work in the same corporate firm.

Don't let it bother you. You couldn't win no matter what you'd said. If you'd mentioned her ig post you'd have been torn apart for being jealous. Mention you also have the bag because you are trying to prevent the jealousy accusation and then you get torn apart for boasting or being tacky or whatever the fuck it was they said
MoonJelly · 08/10/2020 17:28

Tell her you couldn't pay out £85 for a dress you will never wear again so unfortunately you can't be MOH.

MoonJelly · 08/10/2020 17:30

Put a comment under her post about the bag saying "Great, so glad you can now afford to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses".

NancyBotwinBloom · 08/10/2020 17:32

Of course she should pay.

GU24Mum · 08/10/2020 17:32

I'd definitely bow out of being a bridesmaid but say it in a way that she can't tell you you're being unreasonable:

"Hi X, I've been thinking about it over the past few days and it's best if I stand down from being a bridesmaid and it's better that I do it in plenty of time so that you can decide whether or not to get someone else. I'd still love to come to the wedding if that's OK?". She'll know it's about the dress but you haven't actually said it.

Lemoncordial · 08/10/2020 17:34

It sounds like your friendship has cooled anyway. I would step down and not bother with the friendship.

Auto · 08/10/2020 17:35

Tell her that you have no budget to pay for a different dress.

Palavah · 08/10/2020 17:36

@LookAtThatCritter

I think it’s unreasonable to dictate the exact style etc of dress if you’re making your bridesmaids get their own. However, it’s also unreasonable to jump to conclusions about their money. They might have a ton of money sitting on credit cards while they try and live a certain lifestyle. Can’t assume they’re minted just because they’ve been gifted money and buy expensive things.
Then they should cut their cloth accordingly?
PatriciaHolm · 08/10/2020 17:42

Honestly, life is too short. You sound like you consider the friendship practically over anyway - pull out. Why be a bridesmaid for someone you really don't like that much? And why have her in your wedding party, in your photos forever?

Keratinsmooth · 08/10/2020 17:53

I think you meet up with her, have a chat, drink wine, see if you still get along otherwise the dress will be the tip of the iceberg and you will clash over everything, if you don’t clear the air then step down as bridesmaid

Chloemol · 08/10/2020 18:04

I would just be advising her you can’t afford to purchase a dress you will never wear again, so must decline the MOH role and pass the baton on, who would she like you to pass stuff over to

Must admit I thought in this country bride pays, they always have at every wedding I have been to, and in the States the bridesmaid lay

Be prepared not to be invited to the wedding, but is she really any great loss as a friend?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/10/2020 18:09

If you think £40 is the hill this friendship should die on then crack on.

Yes, do crack on. No matter that it's intended as ironic, this is good advice.

It isn't a question of money, it's one of principle. And part of what that principle boils down to is this: roll over, capitulate and do what CF Bridezilla wants, or CF Bridezilla will withdraw her friendship.

Fine. If the friendship dies on this particular hill that choice will be down to her. OP is entitled to decide on her own limits and stick to them. You don't get respect or friendship (the real kind) in this life either by buying that friendship or by being a walkover.

As to the chorus of Lady Bracknells shrieking 'A HANDBAG?', my advice to OP would be 1. Ignore them. (NB. I have no particular interest in handbags so maybe I'm not computing the angst on this point). And 2. YANBU not to allow someone to treat you like a mug. Bride or no bride. If the friendship dies on this basis it was pretty shallow and not worth having to start with.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 08/10/2020 18:09

You could say that as you're saving hard to pay for your own wedding, including paying for the bridesmaids' dresses yourself, you're sorry, but you're going to have to stand down as maid of honour as you won't be able to do her justice. Thank her for asking you but say you're afraid it just won't work for you now. As others have said, be prepared to lose your invite to the wedding.

TheWernethWife · 08/10/2020 18:10

I think some posters have been watching "Say yes to the dress - Atlanta" where the bride-to-be chooses ghastly dresses which the bridesmaids then have the dubious pleasure of paying for.

In UK the bride pays.

JalapenoDave · 08/10/2020 18:18

Of course you're not being unreasonable! I'd be royally pissed off if I were you and definitely bowing out from my bridesmaid duties. I was a brassic bride in comparison to this woman and I made sure to pay for my bridesmaids' dresses.
Walk away with your head held high.

Chattycatty · 08/10/2020 18:32

I'd back out of being bm and then buy a stunning dress that actually flattered me in a colour that i liked

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/10/2020 18:36

No, I’d not be part of the wedding party if the bride thought others should fund the wedding for her.

We paid all the costs for our bridesmaid and covered the hen and stag costs as didn’t see why others should have to pay for something we had chosen to do and invite them too.

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