Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
MzHz · 08/10/2020 18:46

Resign as bm. This won’t get any better for you

Shutupyoutart · 08/10/2020 18:47

Forgetting the fact she wants you to pay for a moment. She wants you to pay for a dress that covers your boobs? Wtf is she afraid you will upstage her with your boobs or something lol. She sounds hard work however you said she was your best friend it really sounds like you dont like her. Do you still want to continue a friendship with her? If so maybe meeting and discussing the other issues and clearing the air will help. If you think the friendship is dead in the water then i would just be honest and say no i dont want to spend money on a dress i wont ever wear again when im saving hard for my own wedding and think it best i step down. Good luck. And congrats on your own engagement :)

feistyoneyouare · 08/10/2020 19:05

Wow, she's being a bridezilla and a CF to boot. Not just about dresses, but her behaviour re the (expensive) hen and then the diktat about shoes, apart from that. Of course she should pay, not your problem that's she's changed her mind on the dresses.

Showing off about your £1k designer bag on MN. Tacky.

FFS. Seems like no one can reference anything expensive they happen to own on here without being accused of showing off. The OP's remark is relevant to the context of the thread.

feistyoneyouare · 08/10/2020 19:07

I think you need to make a decision here as to whether you want to stay in the bridal party or leave (and risk your friendship too). If you think £40 is the hill this friendship should die on then crack on.

What about the stress the bride is putting on her friendship with the OP, though? Why should the OP be expected to kowtow to her whims simply because she's the bride?

ifiwasascent · 08/10/2020 19:36

I've been a BM several times and have been a bride myself. I wouldn't dream of asking my BM to pay for their dresses and I have never been asked. It's a dress you normally only wear once! My sister is getting married next year and I'm BM and I will offer fo pay for my dress then because I'd rather her put her money towards her wedding but if it was for a friend I'd expect them to pay

tigger001 · 08/10/2020 19:39

I don't have a problem with brides asking bridesmaid to buy their own dress, providing the bride doesn't dictate exact details.

Obviously in this situation, you are not being unreadable, the bride had committed to buying the dress and is now dictation the neck line, ridiculous.

You do sound very jealous and bitter of her and I would consider if you really should be a bridesmaid.

livefornaps · 08/10/2020 19:54

Just tell her "oohhh I'm not sure about the wedding no more, luv, I think I've got me old hemerroids coming sumfin' awful that day"

BasiliskStare · 08/10/2020 20:06

OK I am entirely missing the point here Grin but if you had chosen your wedding / theme etc and thought it was good - why would you change your mind about the colour for a wedding some months later ? ( I did not have bridesmaids so many of these points go completely over my head )

Catsup · 08/10/2020 23:23

I think the fact she's happy to shell out £250pp for the food, but originally £40 for BM dresses pretty much says it all. Frankly I'd rather have my BM wearing nice dresses I'd paid for vs bargain bin wear, and posh nosh. Nobody will remember the food but the photos will be around forever. And the fact the newly suggested dresses are £85 would make me suspicious she's testing the water on price, and it's not a far leap to 'Oh, but if everyone had X dress at £125+ it would work much better' 🤨. And then suggestions of wouldn't it be nice if we all get hair/make up/nails done...

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 08/10/2020 23:38

You both own a 1k bag and are both reluctant to pay £40 for a dress. This is a world gone mad.
This.

lovepickledlimes · 09/10/2020 00:27

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey the cost of the dress is not the issue. It's the principle that it is rude and unfair to request a bridesmaid to buy her own dress if it is a dress that they did not pick and would not wear again after.

Would not dream of letting my wedding party pay for things if we can afford to pay it ourselves from outfits that we picked to the accommodation for both nights at the venue. People are doing it as a favour they should not be expected to pay on top of that

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/10/2020 00:36

@Catsup

I think the fact she's happy to shell out £250pp for the food, but originally £40 for BM dresses pretty much says it all. Frankly I'd rather have my BM wearing nice dresses I'd paid for vs bargain bin wear, and posh nosh. Nobody will remember the food but the photos will be around forever. And the fact the newly suggested dresses are £85 would make me suspicious she's testing the water on price, and it's not a far leap to 'Oh, but if everyone had X dress at £125+ it would work much better' 🤨. And then suggestions of wouldn't it be nice if we all get hair/make up/nails done...
Yes, those photos will be around forever! Which is why I find the OP's description of the dresses so very interesting Grin.

"She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that). "

And

"I am tempted to get a low cut dress since I would normally. The comment to the group about boobs was definitely aimed at me as I have a very small waist and reasonably big boobs so it always looks bigger, so I attempt to dress for that figure or I look like a sack of potatoes. "

The bride sounds most determined that her bridesmaids will not rival her. Grin

seayork2020 · 09/10/2020 00:37

I paid for the bridesmaid dresses at my wedding, I think it is only right for the couple who are having the weeding should pay if they want bridesmaids

I do think it is rude though to question and comment 'they are wealthy' and what people spend.

They should either pay or not, if a wedding couple can't afford to pay don't have the bridesmaids.

In your specific case I would not go ahead with being a bridesmaid though the bride sounds high maintenance

CSIblonde · 09/10/2020 00:50

I'd be thinking she's either tight (Bride should pay) or,she's gone mad, overspent massively & has nothing left. £40 each on the original dresses when they're that wealthy is beyond tight.She doesnt want to be outboobed re the new dresses & the no cleavage comment: is one of you rather blessed!?

Oncemorewithfeelin · 09/10/2020 01:20

Just tell her you can’t afford to pay for a dress you won’t wear again so need to step down.

cretelover · 09/10/2020 01:37

It sounds like this friendship has run it's course to be honest. She sounds like a nightmare.

SandAndSea · 09/10/2020 01:47

I don't think you're BU at all.

My suggestion is to firstly, decide if you want to continue to be friends with her at all. Is this a blip which you can both iron out or, is it yet another in a long line?

Assuming you still want to be friends, How about messaging her back something like,

"Sorry mate, but I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here. As you know, I'm getting married too. Do you expect me to pay for BM outfits for both weddings?"

timeforanewstart · 09/10/2020 02:01

Its seems a bit of an american theme that is starting to happen hear as well
Personally i think if you want bridesmaids etc you pay for the dress as the bride so yanbu
Just say im sorry i can't afford to buy a dress i will never wear again

Winningatseesaw · 09/10/2020 02:22

I do think that she should pay of course.

I feel like the real question is, do you want to lose her as a friend? If you aren't bothered about her friendship (and I'm not sure I would be!), I'd say that I cannot pay for a new dress and leave the ball in her court. If I wanted to keep the friendship, I'd just buy a dress.

I

timeforanewstart · 09/10/2020 02:24

So you say to your friends please do me the honour of being my bridesmaid and heres an invoice for £250 to cover shoes and dress etc
I can't see how thats right , you don't have to have bridesmaids And if you can't afford to , then just don't have them
I new someone whose friendship group did this and 5/6 of them got married over couple years , they had to all forgo holidays with family and partners etc as were all paying out for dresses and shoes and expensive hen do's often several for one bride
I bet they all have dresses up in there lofts gathering dust

timeforanewstart · 09/10/2020 02:27

Personally i only had little bridesmaids no adult ones as didn't need the expense

emilybrontescorsett · 09/10/2020 04:51

I think this whole go and buy a dress which is dusky pink, long, bridesmaid like, high necked and will match what my other 6 bridesmaids are wearing is silly.
You never look as nice as when the bridesmaids all match.
How on earth can you get it right? It only works for very low key, low maintenance weddings. Too much room for error and unless the bride is totally laid back, which isn't the case here, she won't like your choice.
So many variants to consider.
It's like saying to 4 people all go out separately and buy a tin of pink paint, then each paint one wall of the same room, hoping it will look fabulous. Then getting upset when it looks rubbish.

Hydrate · 09/10/2020 04:52

Ask her to return the dress, and then dye it the new colour if that's possible? If it looks terrible then she will have to spring for the new dress.

toffeekiwi · 09/10/2020 04:57

@julietteb18

Everyone else has said it's a great idea and they 'love the idea'.

The issue is that I can afford it, she knows that. I'd just much rather spend £40 on something else.

Yes it does sound like I don't like her...she was my best friend (I am MOH) but there's been a lot of issues lately we've still not met to discuss and I've become bitter and bitchy - this has just royally pissed me off. I was already quite irritated because of the designer bag post, I own the bag she bought so it isn't jealousy, it's just that we're in the middle of a pandemic and people are losing their jobs...and you need to show off on Instagram?
Tacky.

If you can afford a 1k bag then you can afford £40 for a dress to be MOH at your self described best friend's wedding. Neither of you are sounding particularly great right now, you can both afford to pay and neither want to so obviously there is other stuff going on.
toffeekiwi · 09/10/2020 05:03

@julietteb18

The only reason I mentioned the bag is because I was afraid I'd seem jealous of her being able to afford one. I could along time ago, after working horrible hours in my job to get to where I am today. I don't have kids and had different priorities, the bag was an achievement for me. I am not in a position to buy expensive bags now though or expensive anything, I'm having a small wedding with few people but I still have to save.

We are from very different families, I was raised below the bread line, she is obviously wealthy. We met at work in the same corporate firm.

Jesus Christ, If a 1k bag is achievement for you then there is something seriously wrong.
Swipe left for the next trending thread