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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think bride should pay for our dresses?

172 replies

julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:10

I'm a bit peeved off about this so hear me out.

My friend should have got married this year but COVID. She had bought us these dresses from ASOS (£40 each), we didn't love them but they were fine. They refuse to not get married next year so have changed venue to a smaller one that is pricier. They're both from wealthy families which they regularly remind everyone about and they were gifted £50k for the wedding (at the same time as being gifted their house deposit...I'm not bitter ;) )

She has now decided she doesn't want the original dresses to be worn and has asked for them back so she can sell them. She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice. It's a colour I'd never wear usually (but not ugly) and it must be a bridesmaid style dress (so can't wear it again really). We also can't wear anything that shows or emphasises our boobs (a weird request IMO). So must be high neck (her dress is mesh at the boobs so I think it's weird to suddenly be caught up on that).

Now, I understand having to get your own dress if someone is in financial hardship. But I think this is super tacky when, just before the text, she posted a picture of her brand new designer handbag she bought at duty free (£1k) whilst going on her second foreign holiday in a month.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:32

@AnneLovesGilbert

What did you say when she said there was no budget?

And what’s wrong with the previous dresses?

I didn't respond.

She has changed colour scheme.

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · 08/10/2020 14:37

You don't sound as though you like her very much. Do you want to be her MOH?

I think if she was originally going to buy the dresses she should still do so, especially if she is being specific about the requirements. I am surprised you can get something for £40 that either of you would be happy with if you are prepared to pay £1K for a bag!

I have been MOH once and bought my own dress but was given free reign over what to buy. If the bride requires formal wedding dresses or specific requirements, I think she should pay. If your friend is expecting you to pay, you will have to decide if you are willing to do so or not.

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/10/2020 14:37

I think you need to make a decision here as to whether you want to stay in the bridal party or leave (and risk your friendship too). If you think £40 is the hill this friendship should die on then crack on.

wishing3 · 08/10/2020 14:37

Ohhhh, she has no shame!! Can you tell her you’re going to dye the old dress as you’re skint? Or that you’re not going on the hen to save money (or already paid)? Or take a photo of diverging you already have in that colour/a loan from a friend and say you’ll be wearing that?

Babysharksmom · 08/10/2020 14:38

She's crazy. With a gifted 50k she should have more than enough to buy bridesmaids dresses. She is cheeky to even ask ye to pay for yer own. I would reply - surely you don't expect us to pay for dresses for your wedding. If she cuts you from duties then you know where you stand. Weddings can bring out the craziness in people.

Fwiw I was a bride 5 years ago had 4 bridesmaids. Paid for dresses shoes bags jewelery hair make up nails and tan. Also paid their accommodation.

TheGoogleMum · 08/10/2020 14:38

I think if she's making you pay shes going to have to be a lot less fussy about what dress you get! If she's got that much money its weird she's suddenly decided she can't afford it. Can't she put the money from selling other dresses towards it?

HowFastIsTooFast · 08/10/2020 14:39

Come on OP you know you're not being unreasonable. Stand down as a bridesmaid and tell her it's because you think she's taking the piss.

Maybe I've become too blunt in my old age but I'm beyond pussy-footing around when people are being ridiculous now Grin.

bonjonbovi · 08/10/2020 14:40

I was already quite irritated because of the designer bag post, I own the bag she bought so it isn't jealousy, it's just that we're in the middle of a pandemic and people are losing their jobs...and you need to show off on Instagram?
Tacky.

Showing off about your £1k designer bag on MN. Tacky.

safariboot · 08/10/2020 14:42

Bridezilla alert.

Amum89 · 08/10/2020 14:46

Sounds like she's middle class and clearly has a bit of money - she should pay for everyone's dress.

I think any display of wealth on SM is vulgar! Even before the pandemic, it's also a good indicator that someone has some money but not great wealth - those with great wealth don't put handbags on Instagram.... they have more class.

DNAwrangler · 08/10/2020 14:47

Is she perhaps hoping sone bridesmaids will drop out? Maybe her bridal party needs scaling down now and she doesn’t know how to go about it.

Hiccupiscal · 08/10/2020 14:49

Stand down immediately...
I learned the hard way when my friend was getting married and I was bridesmaid... I paid £300+ to go on a hen do.
I couldnt afford it, when someone pulled out, due to pregnancy or some such, we were expected to put in the money for the missing person. I said no way could I afford any more money.
On top of that, they also wanted me to pay for tshirts and excursions, not included in the orignal £300. Behind her back, all the hens were bitching. I was honest and said no.
I had a message off the bride having a go at me as her MOH had said that I wasn't playing as a 'team'

At that moment I bowed out. Our friendship never recovered and I dont feel any regret.

Ive have been asked to be bridesmaid since by other women. I have always said no, ever since. It can cause so much resentment and hurt, and lines get blurred with finances and what is expected and of who.

I now always turn down wedding invites for the same reason, being told who can and can't be my plus one in the past is enough for me to wish people well, but not want to be involved.

Op, I highly suggest you bow out too. You obviously have alot of resentment and anger being up, which I dont blame you, and dont think you are being unreasonable, I think by how you talk, your friendship is pretty much over anyway, why continue to put yourself through the drama.

If you really need a get out, covid is a good enough reason.

Original poster
julietteb18 · 08/10/2020 14:50

@bonjonbovi

I was already quite irritated because of the designer bag post, I own the bag she bought so it isn't jealousy, it's just that we're in the middle of a pandemic and people are losing their jobs...and you need to show off on Instagram? Tacky.

Showing off about your £1k designer bag on MN. Tacky.

It's a designer bag I saved for and I am proud of, I don't post pictures of it on the internet. The point was relevant.
OP posts:
Palavah · 08/10/2020 14:50

Is it going to cost you more to be MOH or more to be a guest?

Of course there's a good chance, especially given restrictions, that if you stand down as bridesmaid she'll uninvite you from the wedding.

ktp100 · 08/10/2020 14:51

I'm sorry but I'd have to tell her or I'd become more and more annoyed by her and the relationship would be ruined.

She's being incredibly entitled. If she can't afford bridesmaids dresses she shouldn't have bridesmaids.

Maybe she could sell her new handbag to pay for them?

SummerHouse · 08/10/2020 14:54

You both own a 1k bag and are both reluctant to pay £40 for a dress. This is a world gone mad.

stayathomer · 08/10/2020 14:59

Yanbu, it sounds like she is out of control, on the other hand it sounds as though you are no longer friends. I dont know what to suggest but if you were good friends before this you need to talk

Stircrazyschoolmum · 08/10/2020 15:00

Charity shop? Primark? Ask friends if they have something you could borrow?

Arthersleep · 08/10/2020 15:01

Suggest that you save the bother of returning the dress for her to sell and sell it yourself and then use the money to buy yourself a new dress (off eBay).

bridgetreilly · 08/10/2020 15:03

That is ludicrous. If she wants you all to buy new dresses, at the very least she needs to let you sell the old ones to pay for them, rather than her keeping that money! She is being VVVU.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/10/2020 15:04

Being a MOH has put too much stress on your friendship for both of these things to continue. Either you need to step down from being MOH, or you need to prepare for a massive falling-out and maybe lose a friend.

Could you tell her that you are finding it all too stressful and you'd rather attend as a guest? Or would she not take that well?

Parker231 · 08/10/2020 15:04

Bridesmaids should never be out of pocket for dress, shoes, hair etc. Bride pays.

daisyjgrey · 08/10/2020 15:06

I have 6k max ear marked for our wedding. Absolutely no more than that. The only bridesmaid is my daughter because I can't afford to kit out a fleet of bridesmaids.

She's being a twat.

Booboobibles · 08/10/2020 15:08

They were given £50k for the wedding and can’t afford bridesmaids dresses? I’m confused🤔

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2020 15:11

"She has then asked us, with our own money, to buy a dress in her new colour choice."

"If you’ve not replied could you just say ‘of course, what’s the budget?’."

"I did she responded 'there's no budget I can't afford it, so you need to pay' "

Ooh, I'd be telling her where to go! But it's probably more diplomatic to respond along the lines of 'I must regretfully step down from being your MoH, I simply cannot afford it. I will also be unable to afford your £300/head hen night. I wish you all the best.'

If she used a particular phrase when she told you she wouldn't couldn't afford it, I'd re-use it back to her, just to make the point. But it's best for you to step back from this friendship now.

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