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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 08/10/2020 11:10

I think you recognise that you're being a martyr by wanting to include everyone, and you're hurt you aren't getting the same in return. That's the way it goes sometimes, so you'd be better off trying to focus your energy on not being such a people pleaser, and do things that make you happy, not things that you think are expected from you.

That ultimatum is extremely unreasonable though. As is the waiting till she can include you bit.

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2020 11:11

Not sure how to break this to you OP but her wedding isn’t actually about you

Sunnydaysstillhere · 08/10/2020 11:13

Your dh is at fault if he is accepting of you being continually treated like an outsider.. I hope he doesn't invite all these twats to your home...

Wetweekend99 · 08/10/2020 11:13

So which one of her guest list would you cull so you get a place?

raddledoldmisanthropist · 08/10/2020 11:13

I reckon she could just not unlock DH from the radiator for his daily exercise for a few days before hand.

Actually, thinking about it, there's a pit isn't there OP?

"It takes me to the wedding or else it gets the hose again"

Branleuse · 08/10/2020 11:14

honestly, you know youre being a bit unreasonable, but im sure we might all feel unreasonable about some stuff. She obviously wants a different sort of wedding than you did. Its sad that youre not invited as you obviously invited her to yours, but with covid restrictions, I think its the ideal time for an introverts quiet wedding.

Florencex · 08/10/2020 11:14

@TangoQueen

Ok.Ok. Even I am laughing at the golden womb thing. I don't think I am horrible, but recognise I am a 'people pleaser' and have unrealistic expectations.

She definitely didn't want a big wedding and thinks the Covid restrictions have done her a favour.

I will go off now and scream silently. I feel better now though I have got it off my chest even if you all think I am unhinged.

Nothing wrong with not wanting a big wedding. As she doesn’t, then yes the covid restrictions will mean that she gets her wish without having to explain herself to all and sundry. She is not “using covid” she is simply following the rules, that happen to tie in with her preferences.

I think you are flattering yourself with your self description of “people pleaser”.

FairNotFair · 08/10/2020 11:15

I cannot imagine why you wouldn't have been invited as a priority, because you sound utterly lovely.

harriethoyle · 08/10/2020 11:15

@BigBadVoodooHat @ZoeTurtle you both made me SNORT with laughter!

seayork2020 · 08/10/2020 11:15

Maybe you could demand the groom stays home and you take his place?

raddledoldmisanthropist · 08/10/2020 11:16

Your dh is at fault if he is accepting of you being continually treated like an outsider.

In his defense, he probably loves his family. Even if not, they have likely met OP already.

I hope he doesn't invite all these twats to your home.

That's a bit unfair. Most people want to see their family live a long and happy life.

toffeekiwi · 08/10/2020 11:16

It's her wedding and not yours, YABVU. She's your SIL not your sister and you are not entitled to an invitation regardless of what you think.

Friendsoftheearth · 08/10/2020 11:16

Oh my god op you ARE being completely U!!!

Your feelings are not important right now, they are getting married in a pandemic, what do you expect?!!

You do sound unhinged, and really bitter. Don't compromise your marriage like this, your poor dh!!! And I don't often say that!!

Quartz2208 · 08/10/2020 11:17

Your unrealistic expectations are expecting everyone to act like you do. You are clearly a people pleaser to the nth degree given your wedding list and do things at the expense of yourself.

Your SIL is clearly not like that at all - what makes you unhinged is your expection that she should be and your unhappiness that she is not.

What you need to do is apologise to your husband and tell him to have a nice time at the wedding and not take it personally. These decisions are being made across the board right now for people who just want to get married (to be married and not for the sake of having a wedding)

raddledoldmisanthropist · 08/10/2020 11:17

Maybe you could demand the groom stays home and you take his place?

"You're my wife now"

TheRealJeanLouise · 08/10/2020 11:17

Fucking hell, your poor husband.

If my husband told me I wouldn’t be forgiven for going to my sisters wedding, the only appropriate answer would be 🖕fuck you.

AlternativePerspective · 08/10/2020 11:18

Personally I think there has never been a better time to get married.

Weddings are 1, so bloody over priced, and 2 there is so much pressure to invite people you don’t really want there but feel pressured to. This way you could save yourself a fortune and legitimately cull anyone from your guest list with impunity.

Personally I would see this as an ideal time to get married precisely because it would enable me to not invite you

Leimarel · 08/10/2020 11:19

Bloody hell, you do sound unhinged. Why do you care so much? It's ridiculous.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2020 11:19

She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

🤣🤣🤣 this has got to be the most self absorbed thing I have ever read on here.

In fairness to you, I know some people are very zealous in the mentality that weddings are "all about the family", which must be where you are coming from, but seriously, get a grip on yourself. Weddings are about two people making a legal/financial commitment to one another. After that element, it is about them making an emotional commitment to one another. It is not an opportunity to line your whole family up and make a statement about who gets to be part of it. It's nothing to do with the wider family, they just often happen to be there because they are generally close to the bride or groom. No mention of that from you though, you're just concerned about "status"?? Is it the Victorian era?

You need to get over yourself.

Snog · 08/10/2020 11:19

Don't put your own marriage at risk over this OP

AryaStarkWolf · 08/10/2020 11:19

@TangoQueen

Ok.Ok. Even I am laughing at the golden womb thing. I don't think I am horrible, but recognise I am a 'people pleaser' and have unrealistic expectations.

She definitely didn't want a big wedding and thinks the Covid restrictions have done her a favour.

I will go off now and scream silently. I feel better now though I have got it off my chest even if you all think I am unhinged.

You don't sound like a people pleaser, if you were you wouldn't be giving your husband such unreasonable ultimatums

NoraEphronsneck · 08/10/2020 11:20

I wouldn't get too upset about the wedding tbh... but I absolutely wouldn't be happy about the meeting up for a meal each week without partners.

This is something that your DH has to address with them. And if he doesn't feel it's an issue then your problem is with him not them.

User4152790 · 08/10/2020 11:21

I don’t think you’re necessarily a horrible person but telling your husband you won’t forgive him if he goes to his sister’s wedding because you aren’t invited due to strict Covid measures is a horrible thing to do. I’d apologise to him for that and let him know you’ve made your peace with it.

Mittens030869 · 08/10/2020 11:21

Frankly, I’m not surprised she doesn’t want you at her wedding. You don’t sound nice at all. As for telling your DH that you don’t want him there, that really is so controlling.

Leylafrenchie · 08/10/2020 11:23

I thank god my brothers not married to someone like you

She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews

I actually laughed out loud at this. Ridiculous.

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