Page 13 | to know I ABU but don't care

ZaZathecat · 08/10/2020 16:45

YABU about the wedding as obviously 15 is very limiting. The family excluding you pre-Covid is a different matter and they may be the unreasonable ones, but making a fuss about the wedding makes you look U because of the current situation.

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/10/2020 16:54

Just read some other posts (I type slow) - and bloody hell talk about a lack of empathy pile on. i don't think you're unhinged, or selfish or manipulative. Possibly a bit irrational at the moment though. . I think you're really hurt and in pain.

You've tried to be 'family';you want to be seen as family, not a 'plus one'. It's obviously very important to you. Work out why.

Has your husband always allowed his family to treat you differently? Has he always brushed this treatment under the carpet? Do you usually feel he doesn't prioritise you and put you first? Is this just one more time he's 'chosen' them over you?

LookAtThatCritter · 08/10/2020 17:14

Get a grip. You won’t forgive your husband if he goes to his own brothers wedding?

Maybe the SIL just doesn’t like you. And if you act like this it’s kind of obvious why.

HowLongToXmas · 08/10/2020 17:26

@woofwoof1880

Ah yes, the age old married people can only receive invitations to things as a couple rule. Also to be applied to business trips, dentist appointments and smear tests. The surgical bonding happens at the wedding reception and from that point on you're inseparable!

Ah yes, the old pretend you don't understand the difference between a business obligation and a family invitation. I wonder who rattled your cage today?

I am sure the difference between a business obligation and a family invite is clear - however it's also obvious that couples are not joined at the hip and in this case could put the 'but we're a couple!' thing aside because it. is. not. about. them.

Venicelover · 08/10/2020 17:31

@TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth

Grow up and think about how you would have felt having the joy of planning and expectation robbed from you. Grow uo and stop emotionally abusing your poor DH. Grow up and think about other people for a change.

Harsh but fair, @Venicelover, harsh but fair! 😄

I know it was harsh....I was incensed when I read the OP. I almost never swear but she pushed me to it. Maybe I should apologise?

I could have got my point across and been a bit kinder. Sorry OP, but you well and truly pushed my buttons as I have been comforting my DIL to be for months about this issue.

3rdNamechange · 08/10/2020 17:34

Her husband to be is getting'elevated' to family status are they the Royal Family ?

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2020 17:42

@woofwoof1880 🤣 reaching a bit! Nothing's rattled my cage, I just think it's ridiculous to think that as a couple, you can never be invited to things individually regardless of circumstances. Do you go on every boys night out, and vice versa? Couple's are perfectly able to do things separately and given that the bride and groom can only invite 6 people each (three couples 😱) this is obviously one of those occasions. If one of them has invited their life long friend and they are also married, should they kick out one of their single nearest and dearest to invite their spouse?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 08/10/2020 17:42

Perhaps the OP comes from a smallish 'blood' family and had a greater desire to bond with her DH's family, and to be considered family by them, than someone who already had a large extended family might ....

liverbird10 · 08/10/2020 18:21

Weddings are a boring howling pain in the arse, consider yourself lucky you've been spared.

mbosnz · 08/10/2020 18:29

I think that when I realised that DH came from a very closeknit family unit, that struggled with opening up to newcomers (to put it mildly), and that he and I had chosen each other, but I hadn't chosen his family and they hadn't chosen me, I got to a better place of understanding and acceptance.

It also meant that I didn't demand or work so hard to be accepted into the family, nor did I feel the need to make his family mine, and care about them the way I did about my own.

Casschops · 08/10/2020 18:41

I think you are sounding quite childlike TBH. If there are only 15 allowed by the time she has invited her parents a friend and her brother and her husband to be does the same they will be up to capacity. She may have old friends that she would choose over her sister in law which is understandable. Why should she wait until you can be there? Maybe this an excellent opportunity to get the small intimate wedding that she wanted. I think you need to be dignified. TBH I'd still go my sister's wedding even if my wife spat her dummy out.

copperoliver · 08/10/2020 22:15

I don't know why you are so bothered you are sounding a bit princesse and maybe that's why you don't get invited to lunch either. X

seayork2020 · 08/10/2020 22:28

This is not to do with the op but why do couples have to be jointly invited to things because they are married?

Dh and I do things separately as well as together

Leaannb · 08/10/2020 22:46

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

Perhaps the OP comes from a smallish 'blood' family and had a greater desire to bond with her DH's family, and to be considered family by them, than someone who already had a large extended family might ....

That matters naught because of the situation. Sil can only have 15 people total. That includes the groom's family as well. Of course she didn't make the cut

notacooldad · 08/10/2020 22:59

This is not to do with the op but why do couples have to be jointly invited to things because they are married?Depends on the occasion of course! Jointly invited to things ( in normal times ) to weddings, family members 50th or whatever ,christenings because it's a family celebration. Most people ( away from MN) do this. I and DH get invited to separate things as well because they have nothing to do with the partner e.g. Some work do's, some group interest Christmas party if one of them is in club or something

Dh and I do things separately as well as together so do most normal couples.

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/10/2020 23:00

I’ve been to some big weddings.
Doesn’t mean they were all invited to mine.

She wants a small wedding. I really hope this is something future generations continue.

You only need two people for a marriage. You don’t need 158 people to watch him you do it.

clearquartz · 08/10/2020 23:28

@Oneandzero
Not a self help book. Maybe you feel it's weird to have the ability to look beyond judging and criticising people for their feelings. The OP has obviously asked for advice on whether she's being unreasonable, but judging isn't nice.

Elsewyre · 08/10/2020 23:33

@TangoQueen

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

Yeah I dont think you'd be invited even if there wasn't covid.

You sound a lot of work

RichAndThickLikeCoffee · 09/10/2020 02:59

@TangoQueen

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

I can understand you being disappointed but saying to your husband you won't forgive him if he goes to his own sister's wedding is unkind. Please don't

RichAndThickLikeCoffee · 09/10/2020 03:01

@Thingsdogetbetter

Her not inviting you is symbolic of your in laws not treating you as family and making you feel 'lesser'. It's the straw that broke the camel's back, rather than the actual issue itself. I think if you recognize that, you'll be able to focus on why you are so insulted and, yes, irrationally angry.

Your in laws don't include you, don't make you feel loved or part of their larger family. This is just a huge symbol of that feeling of rejection. Ask yourself why feeling included by them is so important to you? Does their approval mean so much to you? Is this a battle you want to win with your husband: choose me or your family? Is this even a war that's important enough to fight?

Yes, it seems to run deeper than the wedding thing. I would feel hurt too.

Hangingover · 09/10/2020 03:05

She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews

I can't help but hear this in the dowager countess's voice from Downtown Abbey.

Thundercats77 · 09/10/2020 07:58

Sorry your ego got very bruised op. YABU.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 09/10/2020 08:09

Yes you sound bonkers but it sounds like you know it. You really should apologise to your husband. Let the wedding go by and then have a chat with him about the wedding bringing your feelings of being left out to a head.

15 people isn't 15 guests. It's everyone:

Bride
Groom
Registrar 1
Registrar 2
Mother of the bride
Father of the bride
Mother of the groom
Father of the groom
Couple's child

10. Bride's sibling 11. Groom's sibling 12. Bride's best mate 1 13. Bride's best mate 2 14. Groom's best mate 1 15. Photographer

That's your lot.

Mothertocrazy91 · 09/10/2020 09:55

Wow my sister is getting married in a few weeks and was heart broken about the restrictions.

Vicar / bride / groom / 4 parents / 2 grandparents 4 siblings on partners side there as only one space left
But there was me sibling is sister who
Has a daughter who was flower girl and a partner. After discussion with sister as we don’t have any siblings I stepped out with partner to allow my daughter to attend as flower girl. It was easier than choosing one out of 4 siblings on other side not to go. Am I upset yes because so life my sister and would loves to have seen her get married but I know it isn’t her fault and my daughter was looking forward to being flower girl for so long.

Trixie18 · 09/10/2020 10:06

I don't think it's the wedding that's the real issue, it's obviously the way they don't treat you like family which is a really hard position to be in, especially when you have kids. I've been in a similar situation and it does hurt even though you know it shouldn't.
It's probably not a good idea to give your husband an ultimatum though that can never go well. It must be hard for him stuck in the middle but I would expect him to give more consideration to your feelings.
You've told him how this makes you feel, let him go and make his own choices with your blessing as long as he does the same for you. If I were you I'd go NC with my SIL/PIL and your husband doesn't get a say, he can go do stuff with them if he wants (and take the kids so you get some downtime). Over time you'll probably find he has less and less contact because it'll be hard to see him without you. Their choice, good luck xx