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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:
SimplyRadishing · 08/10/2020 10:31

We just got married and managed to have 30 people. My SIL barely made the cut.
If the list was 15 my SIL would not have made the cut.

I get you are offended but i guarantee your SIL is having a worse time and i feel very sorry for people having wedding now.

Agree with others this is about way more than the wedding

Gazelda · 08/10/2020 10:32

Do you really believe she should postpone her wedding so that she can have a bigger guest list? Wow.
Who knows when restrictions will completely and permanently stop.
Maybe she and her fiancé are more focussed on the marriage than the guest list? Perhaps they thought friends and family would feel sorry for them for having their wedding disrupted by Covid.
Perhaps they thought friends and family would wish them nothing but love and happiness.
And to pressure your DH not to attend his sisters wedding - I'd find that hard to forgive if I were him.

Asterion · 08/10/2020 10:32

Wow, I'm astonished that his siblings haven't taken to you Hmm

Nottherealslimshady · 08/10/2020 10:32

Wow you're a right loon! Doesn't exactly spend like you're close, I wouldn't chose any of my siblings partners over my own friends and family, you married her brother, not her.
You should be supporting your husband to go to his sisters wedding. Unfortunately, you're not the most important person in the world.

PlanBea · 08/10/2020 10:32

Wow, my husband's brother is getting married soon and I, sister in law of the family, mother to the grandchildren, have not been invited but my husband has. I should have told them to cancel their entire wedding and put their life on hold until I could be there or the wedding wouldn't be legitimate Hmm instead I wished them all the best and hope they have a beautiful day despite all the restrictions (in guests, in what you're allowed to do, wearing facemasks etc)

I'd love to be there, but 15 people is SO small. That includes the bride and groom. And not everyone wants a big princess day where they're the centre of attention. Why should they out their life on hold because it doesn't suit you?

Original poster
TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:32

@Nymeriastark1 I totally get why I sound silly and entitled but it's how I feel.

I had 158 at my wedding and her daughter was a flowergirl along with his cousin's daughter as I felt sorry for his cousin being an only child and I wanted her to feel included. I invited those people which included a woman my mother-in-law worked with. I cut back on stuff I wanted to be inclusive as they were now my family as well.
I know this was my choice but i wanted to avoid bad feeling.

As for the lunches, even before Covid my husband would work at the weekends and the others were either part-time or had unconventional hours so they would go off for lunches together which excluded all partners (except aunt's husband). It would irrationally piss me off.

I am so angry, I know I am coming across as unhinged. I can't even tell my mum and best friend. How could somebody be happy to be so exclusive?

I know I have issues. I think a family should embrace in-laws.

OP posts:
Nymeriastark1 · 08/10/2020 10:32

@ZoeTurtle

"To be honest I think she should cancel it altogether and spend the money on sculpture of your golden womb."

😂😂😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2020 10:32

So glad I didn’t get married for the status.

Prettybubblesintheair · 08/10/2020 10:33

God I hope your husband goes and has an absolute blast Grin

You are bitter and incredibly mean to try and emotionally blackmail your husband.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2020 10:33

I felt sorry for his cousin being an only child and I wanted her to feel included

What?

BrumBoo · 08/10/2020 10:33

@ZoeTurtle

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews.

To be honest I think she should cancel it altogether and spend the money on sculpture of your golden womb.

It's very rare I genuinely laugh at things on MN. This though, Grin.
CarrotInATree · 08/10/2020 10:33

I remember your previous posts about the lunches. I am not at all surprised you didn’t make her top 30, you seem to actively dislike the whole family and want to be the centre of attention. I can’t believe you’ve asked your DH not to go to his own sister’s wedding.

AriettyHomily · 08/10/2020 10:34

Wow, hard work, much?

BestOption · 08/10/2020 10:34

When the guest list is 30, it's just bloody rude not to invite your brothers wife.

I really, really dislike my SIL (with good reason!!) but if I was to get married & could invite 30 people I'd put her on the invitation. (I'm human, I'd be hoping she declined!!).
Down to 15, I'd really resent it, but good manners would dictate she'd still be invited.

If DP's sister got married & didn't invite me, he'd have it out with her & wouldn't go.

If she was getting married now (15 guests) I'd tell her I'd understand if she had family/friends she'd rather invite. We're friendly, but she has lots of friends & I wouldn't want to 'waste' a place.

It's sad your DH wants to go when she's made her feelings about you known - but if you have to offer him an ultimatum, the damage is already done.

Backofthenewt · 08/10/2020 10:34

Most of my family wouldn't make it into my top 30.

My parents would of course. But I am far closer to many of my friends than other family members, and I wouldn't want to knock close friends that I love off the list in order to invite family members I didn't particularly like.

On that note, we're getting married next year (well, hopefully), and can only have 30 to the ceremony. Most of whom we've invited to the ceremony are close friends rather than family.

Extended family are invited to the reception. If they don't like it they're welcome to not come at all.

Noidea2114 · 08/10/2020 10:34

I can understand that you are hurt not being invited to this wedding.
But surely you should be more hurt in not being treated as family.
If they have never invited you to meals out etc. I think you have a Dh problem.
Ask him why he allows you to be treated poorly by his family.

baubled · 08/10/2020 10:35

She should cancel her wedding until you can attend, Jesus, was kind of self centred planet do you live on. If I knew someone said that about my wedding they wouldn't be invited even if 100 people were coming!

15 or 30, maybe you're just not in her top fave people, in all honesty if they've both got guests coming they are looking at 7/8 each, less if they have to be included in the 15. Why should someone postpone their wedding because YOU feel hard done by, maybe this shit entitled attitude is why you get left out.

CruzControl · 08/10/2020 10:37

YABU.
Even if she could invite 100000000 people, it's her choice. You don't get to demand to be invited to things. Maybe she doesn't want you there because you think the entire world revolves around you - it doesn't. Will you pay for her rearranged wedding seeing as you're the only reason it would move? This must be a reverse

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/10/2020 10:38

15 people.
Bride
Groom
Vicar/registrar
Bride's parents
Groom's parents
Bride sibling
Groom sibling
That's 9 people. Throw in a step parent or grand parent etc... That leaves maybe one or two guests each for bride and groom. So best friend each.

Siblings spouse probably wouldn't make top 15 for a lot of people.

30... You are not so unreasonable, but it's still not worth throwing toys out of pram over.

BrumBoo · 08/10/2020 10:38

The latest update says a lot.

@TangoQueen, you're obviously a martyr who thinks it's more important not to offend rather than make 'selfish' choices, even if have no real longterm impact. You're making life difficult for yourself being a people pleaser, so of course you're going to be offended when you realise other people are quite happy (and right) to put their feelings or choices first. Especially about events that are specifically about them.

The problem is with you, you're just projecting your shortcomings on to your SiL.

CruzControl · 08/10/2020 10:38

@Noidea2114

I can understand that you are hurt not being invited to this wedding. But surely you should be more hurt in not being treated as family. If they have never invited you to meals out etc. I think you have a Dh problem. Ask him why he allows you to be treated poorly by his family.
I think he allows OP to be treated poorly because OP is an arsehole.
Suzi888 · 08/10/2020 10:39

Higher level family Grin what on Earth! Have a word with yourself..
” I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.” That’s unreasonable... and controlling behaviour. You’d be flamed if you a man saying that to his wife. Sorry YABU

Tarantallegra · 08/10/2020 10:39

YANBU to be upset but I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes. this is controlling and horrible for your husband. If he were on here everyone would be saying LTB.

Nymeriastark1 · 08/10/2020 10:39

@TangoQueen

Look you need to stop caring so much. It's nice to have a good relationship with your in laws. I'm a little envious of my friends that do. I don't have a good relationship with mine. Too much damage has been done. They still see DP and our children but not me.
They occasionally ask if I will come and invite me to things out of politeness and to be civil. Most of the time I don't go. I only go to funerals out or respect for the person who's died. I wasn't invited to his cousins wedding and I really didn't care. I've learnt not to care that I'm not included in most things. Honestly your life will be easier if you stop caring and getting worked up about these things.

Cocklepops · 08/10/2020 10:39

I simply can’t imagine why you’d not be top of her list 🤔