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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 08/10/2020 10:58

So what if the covid restrictions are acting in her favour? In reality, there are quite a few people out there who are quite enjoying the restrictions as they're not particularly sociable and are enjoying the fact they can blame the pandemic for not accepting invitations. I wouldn't knock them at all.

You sound like a total drama queen tbh.

Onadifferentuniverse · 08/10/2020 10:58

Of course yabu.
We didn’t have either of our siblings at our wedding, just our parents and children. It’s nothing to do with family status.

LindaEllen · 08/10/2020 10:59

@WeeWelshWoman

DH and I discussed this. We'd have found it impossible to cut to 15 as he has a lot of siblings. We said (though totally hypothetical) that in this circumstance we'd only have our parents as witnesses. Then have a big shindig with our whole family at a later date. Stops any hurt amongst close family?
Exactly what me and DP decided :).
12309845653ghydrvj · 08/10/2020 11:00

If you were married to my brother, I’m not sure you’d make the 150 attendees cut either...

Seriously OP, in the nicest way you are being extremely ridiculous, you say you know but don’t care—do you care about your husband having a good relationship with his family? Because you seem to be demanding to be treated as family “status” while being so prickly about it that of course you’ll get dropped first.

Also it’s her wedding, when she holds it is none of your business.

BoyTree · 08/10/2020 11:00

I cut back on stuff I wanted to be inclusive as they were now my family as well.
I know this was my choice but i wanted to avoid bad feeling.

And how do you feel that went? It sounds like you want them to be grateful and 'repay' the favour, but they probably have no idea that you were making sacrifices for them and wouldn't have wanted you to if they had!

Your SIL to be is marrying your husband's brother - there is absolutely no reason for her to want to elevate your 'status' in the family via her wedding, even if she could, and she probably hasn't given it a second thought given that the restrictions are SO tight at the moment.

I think you maybe place too much emphasis on being seen to be part of the family, but parents can spend time with their children if they like without having to invite partners every time. And you appear to be saying that you wanted to go to lunch with your in-laws even when your husband couldn't? If that's the case, then I can see why they might find that a bit awkward if it's usually just the siblings and parents.

I know that this thread has descended into a bit of a pile on, but I genuinely think you would be happier if you stopped basing your sense of self on the perceived status that you have in a family that you only know because of a legal contract you have with one member. Getting married is an agreement between two people, and as nice as it is when 'two families come together', it's really not worth getting yourself so worked up about it. You are a person of value whether or not they acknowledge it - you don't need them to validate your existence!

willowmelangell · 08/10/2020 11:01

I hope your husband goes to celebrate and has a great time.
You can clearly add up the numbers and see there is no space for you.
Whether the wedding goes ahead or not, who knows, but I also hope your dh remembers your 'unreasonable behaviour'.

MotherOfChaos28 · 08/10/2020 11:01

In the nicest possible way, you are being massively unreasonable. You know this though. I have 4 siblings. DH has 2. If we had been getting married this year as much as I love my Sister’s husband he wouldn’t have been invited. If you come to the wedding who gets uninvited? A best friend? A Grandparent?

Bonnieonthelam · 08/10/2020 11:02

Sorry but you are not that important. What a joy you must be to live with.

cruisecrazy · 08/10/2020 11:02

Don't be so bloody childish! She can invite who she likes to HER wedding. As for your poor husband I feel sorry for him married to a thoughtless woman like you. I don't blame his sister for not inviting you if this is how you behave.

Tattoocrazymum · 08/10/2020 11:02

Hmm i can't imagine why his family would exclude you Hmm
Seriously tho your being ridiculous.
Its her wedding, her choice.
15 is a tiny amount, Im sure she has friends she is much closer to, including her immediate family.
I feel for your husband, imagine emotionally blackmail him all because he wants to see his sister get married, you really are awful.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 08/10/2020 11:04

I know I sound unhinged - correct.

I never understand the obsession with attending weddings on here. I find them a hassle, there are very few people that I'd genuinely be thrilled to go to expense and faff of attending their wedding, and mingle with people that I don't know.

Let him go to his sister's wedding and have a night in with a takeaway, wine and a good movie.

Plmoknijb123 · 08/10/2020 11:04

YABU you sound like a cow. Prob why she doesn’t want to invite you. People are never obliged to be friends with you, even if they’re family.

sunshinesupermum · 08/10/2020 11:05

You really are unhinged. You wanted a large wedding and got it. SIL wanted a small wedding and will get it. Stop taking it out on your DH!

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2020 11:05

Stop treating her like family then.

And that includes facilitating her relationship with your kids and H, if you do that.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 08/10/2020 11:05

I voted YABU, but I get where you are coming from regarding not feeling included, and that is pretty shit.

However, you CANNOT stop your husband from going to his sisters wedding , as that would be even shitter.

edithjefferson · 08/10/2020 11:06

I think YABU. She's not 'using Covid to avoid inviting' people, she's following the rules. Good for her if she doesn't want loads of people at her wedding just because it's traditional to invite them. I think atm it's perfectly acceptable not to invite partners and just choose the people you are actually close to. OTOH I think your dh is a bit U not to do more to try and include you in his family.

ErickBroch · 08/10/2020 11:06

Yup you sound unhinged. 15 people would just be closest friends and immediate relatives to me.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2020 11:06

Unfortunately, because one kind poster has described op as a 'people pleaser' she has jumped on that positive personality assessment, and will afford no self reflection based on the other 99% of posts.

MrsAnneBlythe · 08/10/2020 11:06

Have you even thought about how difficult it must be to whittle your guest list down to fifteen? I understand your disappointment but you've got to think of the bride and groom here. I'm in a similar situation - my brother-in-law is getting married and I've known him for twenty years. He was 13 when I met my husband. I love the bones of him and would love to see him marry his lovely fiancée, but I've told him that I will completely understand if I can't be there and I'll be happy for him whatever happens with the guest list. Don't put your husband in an impossible situation; just be glad that you didn't have to make difficult choices like this for your own wedding.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/10/2020 11:07

If she has a DC why should she stay in a potentially vulnerable position of being an unmarried parent especially when a deadly virus is doing the rounds? I guess she wants that legal protection asap.

seayork2020 · 08/10/2020 11:07

You do realise you are not the bride don't you?

And you are trying to control your husband.

Scweltish · 08/10/2020 11:07

So,,, are you going to apologise to your husband and ‘let’ him go? 🙄

raddledoldmisanthropist · 08/10/2020 11:07

To be honest I think she should cancel it altogether and spend the money on sculpture of your golden womb.

Possibly the best comment ever.

She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status......I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes

I don't think I am horrible, but recognise I am a 'people pleaser'

I think if you were any less of a people pleaser you'd be Donald Trump.

You can't make him not attend his sisters wedding.

I dunno. I reckon she could just not unlock DH from the radiator for his daily exercise for a few days before hand.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 08/10/2020 11:09

Unfortunately, because one kind poster has described op as a 'people pleaser' she has jumped on that positive personality assessment, and will afford no self reflection based on the other 99% of posts.

I presume that poster meant to write bunny boiler but got confused.

bethany39 · 08/10/2020 11:09

"what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?"

Also this is absolutely unhinged. Surely you didn't marry your DH just so his siblings would treat you like family? Surely that wasn't even in the top 10 reasons Confused

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