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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 08/10/2020 12:54

I had 158 at my wedding and her daughter was a flowergirl along with his cousin's daughter as I felt sorry for his cousin being an only child and I wanted her to feel included.

Yes, but she can’t have 158 can sheConfused. She can’t invite an endless list of people to inanely please everyone. With 15 it can literally only be bride and grooms immediate family and maybe a lifelong best friend.

You want her to put her life on hold and postpone her wedding until it’s possible to invite youShock. I feel sorry for your DH. He deserves a medal.

elenacampana · 08/10/2020 12:57

I would be wound to too OP but goodness gracious no - she shouldn’t cancel until there’s space for you. I think you will just have to deal with it.

JanetheObscure · 08/10/2020 12:59

OP, you'll probably feel better if attempt to see that this isn't about "you" in any way. If your SIL was planning a wedding like yours, with 150 guests, then you probably would have cause to feel slighted if you weren't invited.

With a guest list of less than 15, we can assume that no other in-laws are invited either (or I think you would have said). The same is undoubtedly true of some very good friends of the bride and groom. So this isn't anything to do with you or your "status" in the family; it's just the way it is.

Believe it or not, some people prefer small weddings, myself included. My sister's was even smaller than 15 and I wasn't invited for reasons I completely understood, even though she'd been to my wedding of 20 and I am the mother of her nieces. Smile

The family lunches may or may not be a bit odd, but NO partners ever go, so again it's not just about you.

Honestly, move on and let your DH help his sister to celebrate.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2020 13:00

I wouldn't lose any sleep about not being invited - it sounds like the two of you don't see eye-to-eye anyway, but I would be VERY pe'd off if my husband didn't support me with something like this.

You'd be very pissed off if your husband attended his sister's wedding, and you weren't one of the SIX people his sister invited? If so the problem is you, not your husband.

averythinline · 08/10/2020 13:01

woow you really are an ego maniac aren't you - not sure seeing people pleaser here - all your comments are about you you you............so you felt sorry for someone who's an only child so involved them ... did they kneel in gratitude! you had 2 relatives small children as flower girls ...very big of you... how long should they be grateful for?

people pleasers generally do things they dont want to do because they have self confidence issues that mean they can't or struggle to say no... nothing in your post suggests that - a people pleaser would not be forbidding someone to go to their sisters wedding!

you had 158 - from the good of your heart........and the big showy wedding that was your thing....

it is sad that your SIL has needed a pandemic to have a wedding that she wants and is her thing....

maybe you could reflect more on why this is upset you so much .... .. or are you really from a soap opera and its all about faaaaammmmillly

lioncitygirl · 08/10/2020 13:03

You sound unhinged. Sorry.

Cavagirl · 08/10/2020 13:04

@ZoeTurtle To be honest I think she should cancel it altogether and spend the money on sculpture of your golden womb

🤣🤣🤣

maddy68 · 08/10/2020 13:05

There are restricted numbers. So yes only the nearest and dearest. You aren't one. If it was a big wedding you would be included

Twigletfairy · 08/10/2020 13:06

You sound like an absolute brat. Not difficult to see why you wouldn't be high in the list of people to invite

TheYeaSayer · 08/10/2020 13:07

I have been on MN for 8 years now, and this is one of the most unreasonable OPs I have ever read.

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 08/10/2020 13:08

@Oneandzero

* the mother of her nephews*

This honestly made me laugh out loud!!

Me too! GrinGrinGrin

Funniest thing I've read on here for ages..

katy1213 · 08/10/2020 13:08

You sound unhinged, you got that bit right.

Angelina82 · 08/10/2020 13:10

Why would you feel sorry for a kid for being an only child? And why on earth would you invite your MIL’s workmate to your wedding? Didn’t you have enough of your own friends to make up the numbers?

katy1213 · 08/10/2020 13:11

But if the rest of the family is anything like you, I can see why she thinks Covid is a lucky break!

notacooldad · 08/10/2020 13:11

Does the 15 people include the bride and groom?
Even if it is just 15 people that would include their own children if they have any parents from both sides, siblings possibly and close friends.
In normal times you would be included.
I honestly don't get your anger.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes
If this is true you are nasty and if I was your Dh I wouldn't forgive you for saying that.
Me personally, I think its just a wedding, nice for bride and groom but not life changing for me.
I would wish them well and tell my husband to have a great time and if comes home too pissed he's in the settee!!

m0therofdragons · 08/10/2020 13:13

Her wedding has been changed completely by covid. Your husband married you so I don’t see why she’s forced to put you in her top 30 people. You’re really u.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 08/10/2020 13:15

I actually agree that the family should at least try to embrace in-laws.

Are there partners of other siblings who did make it to the top 30?
I think that would give more of an indication of whether you were being snubbed or not.

It would have been nice if SIL had contacted you personally to explain the decision so you wouldn't feel it was a slight.

oakleaffy · 08/10/2020 13:18

Good grief, @TangoQueen it sounds insane that you even mind..
Why make life so wretched for your husband and his sister. Her wedding, her rules.

Sparkletastic · 08/10/2020 13:19

You feel angry, hurt and rejected and you've had your rant. Now have a sit down and give yourself 10 minutes contemplation time. Work out how to move through those negative feelings and make your peace with the situation.

mrsmummy1111 · 08/10/2020 13:21

"She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA WTF

CSIblonde · 08/10/2020 13:24

This is hysterical. "Elevated to family status" & "mother of her nephews". You're soubding like the totally unhinged, elderly matriarch of a 'dysfunctional aristo's' soap opera.

lostPEkit · 08/10/2020 13:27

Even in normal times, I don’t see the point of letting this kind of thing poison relationships. My mother gave my uncle the cold shoulder for years because her nephew/ my cousin didn’t invite her to his wedding. She hadn’t seen the groom since he was a child and she’d never even liked him, but she still felt that she and her partner were entitled to invitations because she was an aunt. She also inexplicably blamed my uncle for not “making” his 30-something year-old son and future DIL put her on the guest list. I pointed out to her that, for all we knew, it could have been a tiny wedding, but apparently no wedding is so small that an aunt you haven’t seen in twenty years doesn’t have a right to an invitation.

She and my uncle are on good terms again now but she bitterly regrets the years when they weren’t really speaking, especially now that she can’t see him because of Covid restrictions and potentially might never see him again. I feel sorry for her but it’s also deeply frustrating that threw away all those years out of a sense of entitlement.

HowLongToXmas · 08/10/2020 13:29

Because you are not a blood relative. Because if you and your DH split up you won't be family anymore. So you can't put yourself on the same level as your husband. He's her sibling - you 'happen' to be her SIL but it could well have been someone else. And if, hopefully not, you and your DH split up, that may well be the case - she will have a new SIL. You're making this about you when it isn't. It's her wedding day and she should be able to have anyone she wants there. It's her day, not yours.

Abouttimemum · 08/10/2020 13:30

Well she’s not using Covid as an excuse is she? It’s an actual rule that it’s 30 and now 15. There’s 34 brothers, sisters, partners, kids and step kids for me and DH. This is before friends or any extended family we are close to. There has to be a cull. I wouldn’t take it personally, nor would I be arsed.

AmericanAdventure · 08/10/2020 13:30

I hate weddings. I'd be delighted. Think you need to get a grip and stop trying to control your husband with tantrums. Would you really split up your family over this???

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