to know I ABU but don't care

[TangoQueen]

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

You should apologise to your husband for the blackmail. Functional adults don't hold people to ransom in this way, I'd be getting ready to leave you right now.

I dread my sil ever getting married. She is in long relationship. But I would hate having to go to a wedding and have to act all nice to her. It was bad enough at the fil funeral last month

From your OP, I couldn't possibly imagine why she wouldn't want to pay for you to be at her wedding.

@CarrotInATree

I remember your previous posts about the lunches. I am not at all surprised you didn’t make her top 30, you seem to actively dislike the whole family and want to be the centre of attention. I can’t believe you’ve asked your DH not to go to his own sister’s wedding.

I remember that as well now.

what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

Well, I don't know about you but I married my husband because I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It's a bit weird that you would marry someone in order to be treated like part of his family?

Are you gutted because you have a long white dress hanging in your wardrobe you want to wear?

I wouldn't lose any sleep about not being invited - it sounds like the two of you don't see eye-to-eye anyway, but I would be VERY pe'd off if my husband didn't support me with something like this.

@TangoQueen

Ok.Ok. Even I am laughing at the golden womb thing. I don't think I am horrible, but recognise I am a 'people pleaser' and have unrealistic expectations.

She definitely didn't want a big wedding and thinks the Covid restrictions have done her a favour.

I will go off now and scream silently. I feel better now though I have got it off my chest even if you all think I am unhinged.

Yes. "People pleaser". That's definitely what you are

You can't be serious. It's very tough for people having their wedding plans derailed by covid. Of course she has to limit numbers.

Remember there are TWO people getting married; and they count as 2 of the permitted 15 attendees. So, only 13 guests between two families. 6 for each spouse +1.

Each could ask 2 Parents, 2 grandparents and 2 siblings? One favourite aunt/uncle/friend? Not much, is it.

So 15 people, Bride and Groom = 2, so that’s 6.5 people from each ‘side’. Yes I can see why you aren’t invited.

Wow! My brother is getting married this month, my DH offered not to attend so future SIL could invite people to whom she is closer, however, she's insisting he's still going and will have to drop others. Maybe it's a reflection of your relationship with her?!

Yes, you sound unhinged @TangoQueen. But also - this clearly isn't about the wedding.

One thing in your posts stood out to me - "I think a family should embrace in-laws."

You feel as if you are being held at arm's length by your husband's family. How do you want them to treat you, and how do they actually treat you? What is making you feel like not-family?

While it would be hard to accept of course, she is more than entitled to have just who she wants at her wedding.

I find it extremely odd she told your husband this though, given circumstances!

I wouldn't have you there either if I only had 15/30 to pick from.

I hope this is a joke. Your poor husband.

The wedding issue is understandable as with 15 at the wedding there are only about 12 guests (once bride, groom and vicar are taken off) which leaves only 6 guests for the bride and 6 for the groom.

Sounds like you are fed up with being left out, but I don't think the wedding is the time to make a fuss. Why haven't you addressed the weekly lunch issue with your husband before, that is what is out of order?

You are being utterly unreasonable. Fifteen guests means a maximum 7 or 8 from each side of the family if they are trying to keep things even. So, their parents, possible step parents, siblings and maybe even a friend. No room for plus ones, regardless of whether that plus one is the wife of a sibling or a partner of a friend/colleague. I could guarantee that the decision to go ahead with a wedding with these restrictions in place wouldn't have been taken lightly, but you behaving like this won't have made the decision to leave you out as difficult as it could have been 🤷🏼‍♀️

@ZoeTurtle

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews.

To be honest I think she should cancel it altogether and spend the money on sculpture of your golden womb.

😂😂😂😂

I think you're confusing getting married with 'having a big showy wedding'

The OP's not an asshole. These feelings haven't come from nowhere and she's owned up that the hurt is irrational. I understand needing a place to go to vent.

@TangoQueen I do agree with a previous poster. It sounds like you make some decisions for yourself based on others' needs and expect reciprocity. It doesn't work like this for many people whose first priority is what works for them; not sure I'd agree that makes the world a better place, as such, but sometimes the 'people pleaser' routine, when it comes with unspoken obligations can be selfish and also not respectful of boundaries.

I am old and in the camp that it is very weird, when the group size was 30 people that you weren't included, but it would never occur to me to contemplate not inviting my in-laws spouse to a family event and a friend instead. I'm in a minority (seemingly on MN - at least with the morning crowd!)

Errr, the point of getting married is to enshrine your commitment to your partner in the eyes of the law. Not so that other people can then say hey, we are your family now, and ride roughshod over your wishes.

I also find it a little sad that you say she didn't want a big wedding and covid gave her an 'excuse'. That she felt she needed an excuse, rather than just telling people she didn't want a huge do..is quite bad in itself. Without covid, we had 20 guests. Pretty much only family, and couple of good friends. Would have hated a bigger one, I even hated the attention from that small handful in all honesty!

what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

   How about  demonstrating  some empathy, respect and  consideration to your husband and his family?

Why haven't you addressed the weekly lunch issue with your husband before, that is what is out of order?

Why is it out of order??

Well, it’s good that you know you are unhinged.....

Do people really think this bollocks? “Elevated to family status”?

Are you Meghan Markle?