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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 08/10/2020 13:59

OP, honest question, are there 15 people on this planet who you care about more than your SIL? If there are (and given your obvious dislike of the woman I really hope there are), surely you can see that your 'status' as family doesn't beat her close friends?

mbosnz · 08/10/2020 14:01

It's his sister's wedding!

And you'll 'not forgive him' if he goes?

You sound utterly ridiculous. And self-centred, immature, and mean spirited.

ZoeCM · 08/10/2020 14:02

She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

In my head, I read this in the voice of Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty.

I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

What the fuck?

SecretSpAD · 08/10/2020 14:08

Your unrealistic expectations are expecting everyone to act like you do. You are clearly a people pleaser to the nth degree given your wedding list and do things at the expense of yourself.

Or....someone who wants to be seen to be inclusive, centre of attention and (as much as I hate the way MN jumps to this conclusion so often) possibly a bit of a narcissist??

It sounds like something my mother would have done (probably did do). Don't be my mother.

SummerTimeSunshine · 08/10/2020 14:09

Honestly, I’d be delighted!

Weddings are beyond boring. My OH would be annoyed in this scenario only because he’d have to suffer alone - without me to suffer along with!

ScottishLassie91 · 08/10/2020 14:09

You sound very manipulative and self-centred.
If this is the kind of ultimatums you give your husband, I think you're lucky he is still around as a lot wouldn't be.
I sympathise completely with those who have had to postpone their wedding, you're behaviour really isn't helping here and if I were in their shoes, I wouldn't invite you now regardless.
My husband still spends time with his family without me as I do with mine. Its healthy to not do every single thing together.

JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 08/10/2020 14:16

You've had problems with them since before Covid-19. There will likely always be a less than loving relationship with them, but if you want to work on it, it will take time. The wedding's off the table. You won't be missing much. Try not to take it personally.

YANBU to be hurt or annoyed or whatever with them, but this is your husband's sister, and you shouldn't ask him to not attend her wedding unless there is some huge backstory of how they've been openly hostile to and abusive of you.

99victoria · 08/10/2020 14:17

I got married 10 years ago but we only had 20 guests. Neither of my sisters or their families or my OHs brothers were invited. We invited my parents (his parents weren't alive), my kids and their partners and 12 friends. They were all people who were involved in our day to day life as a couple. It was an amazing day!

BackLashStarts · 08/10/2020 14:27

I was with you for the first 4 paras but the last 2 are bonkers! Esp this: “ She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.”

Status? Elevate?

Are you proactive with them or do you just expect them to be with you?

BackLashStarts · 08/10/2020 14:30

Grin “As for the lunches, even before Covid my husband would work at the weekends and the others were either part-time or had unconventional hours so they would go off for lunches together which excluded all partners (except aunt's husband). It would irrationally piss me off.” You weren’t left out! The others weren’t there!

ZoeCM · 08/10/2020 14:35

She definitely didn't want a big wedding and thinks the Covid restrictions have done her a favour.

Good for her. Weddings can so easily turn into money pits. I know a couple who wanted a small wedding; unfortunately, their guest list doubled purely because they felt pressure to invite their extended families. If the current restrictions have given some couples an excuse to have more intimate weddings without offending people, then at least this corona nightmare has one silver lining (albeit a small one)!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 08/10/2020 14:37

What you need to do is let DH go on his own with a laptop so you can join the wedding party over Zoom. Make sure the laptop has a chair to itself in a prominent position - and wear white.

Illegitimi non carborundum

1forAll74 · 08/10/2020 14:39

Allow your Husband to go, and stop wittering about the wedding just because you can't go. If something has been decided by the bride, so be it.

woofwoof1880 · 08/10/2020 14:39

I dont think you are being unreasonable. You are her bothers wife and you should be treated as a couple. If she doesn't respect marriage then why is she having one? Shame on your husband for going. I'd be pissed off with both of them tbh. The family sound like CF.

ktp100 · 08/10/2020 14:41

You wouldn't forgive your DH for going to his own sister's wedding, even though we are in the midst of a global pandemic and they've had to half their guest list?!!

Wow! Sorry but that makes you the arsehole, no the SIL!

The important thing here is that they want to be married, not a fucking party day! Who are you to say they should cancel it until they can have everyone there?! The day is about them, not everyone else!

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2020 14:50

I dont think you are being unreasonable. You are her bothers wife and you should be treated as a couple. If she doesn't respect marriage then why is she having one? Shame on your husband for going. I'd be pissed off with both of them tbh. The family sound like CF.

Ah yes, the age old married people can only receive invitations to things as a couple rule. Also to be applied to business trips, dentist appointments and smear tests. The surgical bonding happens at the wedding reception and from that point on you're inseparable!

ZoeCM · 08/10/2020 15:15

I honestly don't understand the problem with the OP's husband meeting up with his siblings for lunch in the week, either. What on Earth is wrong with that? I'd find it stifling if I couldn't spend time with my brother and sister without us all bringing partners, to be honest.

Venicelover · 08/10/2020 15:29

OP you have really pissed me off with your post.

Have you any idea how hard it is to know that you can't have the wedding of your dreams? (like you had)

One of my sons has had to cancel his wedding twice and now they are booked for May 2021 but realistically, given the current circumstances, they will probably still not get to have the wedding the wanted even then.

They are devastated, as are we.

Grow up and think about how you would have felt having the joy of planning and expectation robbed from you.
Grow uo and stop emotionally abusing your poor DH.
Grow up and think about other people for a change.

Life is not an accounting book, it is about meeting challenges and muddling through the best way you can given the hand you are dealt.

Why make more problems by being an unreasonable bitch?
Do you really wonder why they don't invite you? Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why you have no empathy for a very difficult situation.

clearquartz · 08/10/2020 15:53

The original poster has her reasons for feeling like she does and I do believe from reading the comments there's a lot of unnecessary judging and criticism. It's not for anyone to deny why she feels like she does, it's clear she needs to do work as to why she feels so entitled.

Oneandzero · 08/10/2020 15:57

@clearquartz

The original poster has her reasons for feeling like she does and I do believe from reading the comments there's a lot of unnecessary judging and criticism. It's not for anyone to deny why she feels like she does, it's clear she needs to do work as to why she feels so entitled.
In what self-help book did you pick that up from? Grin
TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 08/10/2020 16:11

Grow up and think about how you would have felt having the joy of planning and expectation robbed from you.
Grow uo and stop emotionally abusing your poor DH.
Grow up and think about other people for a change.

Harsh but fair, @Venicelover, harsh but fair! 😄

woofwoof1880 · 08/10/2020 16:22

Ah yes, the age old married people can only receive invitations to things as a couple rule. Also to be applied to business trips, dentist appointments and smear tests. The surgical bonding happens at the wedding reception and from that point on you're inseparable!

Ah yes, the old pretend you don't understand the difference between a business obligation and a family invitation. I wonder who rattled your cage today?

Londonmummy66 · 08/10/2020 16:31

You are being a Guestzilla

But she isn't a guest is she.............

LividLaughLovely · 08/10/2020 16:39

Oh wooooooow.

I’ll be kind. Do you have other stuff going on in your life that means you’ve displaced a load of anger on to this utterly barmy non-issue?

Can we help you with that instead?

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/10/2020 16:42

Her not inviting you is symbolic of your in laws not treating you as family and making you feel 'lesser'. It's the straw that broke the camel's back, rather than the actual issue itself. I think if you recognize that, you'll be able to focus on why you are so insulted and, yes, irrationally angry.

Your in laws don't include you, don't make you feel loved or part of their larger family. This is just a huge symbol of that feeling of rejection. Ask yourself why feeling included by them is so important to you? Does their approval mean so much to you? Is this a battle you want to win with your husband: choose me or your family? Is this even a war that's important enough to fight?