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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:
Terrace58 · 08/10/2020 13:30

Your sil wants to enjoy the legal and emotional benefits of being married despite living through this very dark time. You could be supporting her, helping her make this joyful even when it can’t be the wedding she wanted. Even if her dream was a small wedding, no one dreams of a healthy dose of fear from accepting a hug from a family member.

You should gain some perspective and apologize to your husband. N

rosesandcashmere · 08/10/2020 13:32

Maybe she just doesn't like you? I can't say from that rant that I blame her but then you know YABU so 🤷🏼‍♀️

DizzyPigeon · 08/10/2020 13:32

Op, why don't you do a mock guest list for your wedding with current restrictions. Remember to make sure you invite people from your husbands side too.

In all honesty - would she make your list?

VintageStitchers · 08/10/2020 13:32

Sorry OP, but I think you are inherently selfish and you need to try to see things from other people’s perspectives occasionally.

I had a friend who would say she was a ‘people pleaser’ but in reality, she was extremely self centred and if you didn’t share her opinions, she assumed that you must be the one at fault.

She couldn’t accept that it was perfectly reasonable to hold a different point of view about the same issue and that neither view was wrong or right, just different.

MintyMabel · 08/10/2020 13:34

I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

If this is your attitude, I'm not surprised you aren't top 30.

ancientgran · 08/10/2020 13:34

He's her brother she wants him there. You are someone her brother married and you don't rank high enough. Not much anyone can do about it.

oakleaffy · 08/10/2020 13:34

“Are you Meghan Markle 😂😂😂👍”

Maryann1975 · 08/10/2020 13:35

I think a family should embrace in-laws
I completely agree a family should embrace in laws. But not in a pandemic where numbers to do anything are so restricted. Even going to my parents house for a coffee With the 3dc means I have to leave Dh at home Because of the rule of 6. (I can go to mil as she is a widow, so she can still embrace (not literally) having a daughter In law).
It sucks. It really does. But you can not honestly be surprised That you have not made the cut. If Dh and I had been in this situation, you wouldn’t have made the cut either. It’s not even 15 guests is it. By the time the bride, groom and official are counted, you get 12 guests. (11 if you want an official photographer). By the time parents and any grandparents are added up, (7 for us when we got married), that would have left us 5 places. Between us we have 4 siblings. So one space left. No way would someone as entitled as you have got that space!

Magicpaintbrush · 08/10/2020 13:38

I feel sorry for your husband because frankly OP you are being really immature here. His sister's choices are not his fault and giving him a hard time about it makes you sound like a high maintenance a-hole tbh. If you are always in this much of a juvenile strop about things then I'm not surprised you didn't make it onto the wedding invite list. You need to wind your neck right in and realise the universe doesn't revolve around just you.

TulipsandDa1s1es · 08/10/2020 13:38

I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30

im presuming they will split the guest list. so the bride can invite 15 people and the groom 15. would you honestly say your SIL is in your top 15 people in the world? Especially as, as you say, "mine never bother with me". So you have no relationship with this woman yet expect her to bump one of her close friends / cousins / aunties etc that she has known and has a relationship with, for you? Her brother chose to marry you and that makes you part of their family. that doesnt automatically gain you access to events, especially when they are limited numbers. its a pandemic. its this womans wedding day. its her choice. back off.

BubblyBarbara · 08/10/2020 13:38

I do sort of get the point. If you are family you're family. Just because someone isn't blood related to you (like a sister in law) doesn't make them less "your" relatives.. or would you not invite your adopted children to a wedding because they're not "your" relatives?

DizzyPigeon · 08/10/2020 13:42

I do sort of get the point. If you are family you're family

All well and good under normal circumstances, but when you can't invite your whole family then people need to be prioritised somehow.

TulipsandDa1s1es · 08/10/2020 13:43

or would you not invite your adopted children to a wedding because they're not "your" relatives?

i dont think it has to do with her not being blood, i imagine its because she (as she admitted) as no relationship with the bride. shes not her friend. if i only had 15 places (even less when counting the bride and groom etc), it would be given to people who help me when i need it or who i enjoy spending time with. people who are there for me. someone who didnt demand a place and cause problems for my brother about it. it would be someone that i know wouldnt mind not coming and would just hope i was happy. nothing to do with whether they were blood or not.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/10/2020 13:44

I'm still confused about the lunch issue. The siblings and their mother meet, without partners/spouses but OP thinks she should be invited because....? And her not being invited is a DH problem...

lockeddownandcrazy · 08/10/2020 13:44

no on is entitled to a wedding invite - how most strange to even think you have a right to one

OVienna · 08/10/2020 13:45

@HowLongToXmas

Because you are not a blood relative. Because if you and your DH split up you won't be family anymore. So you can't put yourself on the same level as your husband. He's her sibling - you 'happen' to be her SIL but it could well have been someone else. And if, hopefully not, you and your DH split up, that may well be the case - she will have a new SIL. You're making this about you when it isn't. It's her wedding day and she should be able to have anyone she wants there. It's her day, not yours.
See, this is why I think the OP is being so paranoid, when in reality this was (probably) just circumstances of COVID and hard decisions. People do really hold quite strange attitudes like this. She just 'happens' to be the bride's sister in law?

That is a really, really ungenerous way to characterise an in-law.

ancientgran · 08/10/2020 13:46

My SIL isn't in my top 100 never mind top 30. I think I have a better relationship with the dustmen than with her, mind you my dustmen are lovely and if I forget to put the bin out they go round the side of the house and get it even though they aren't supposed to.

OhCaptain · 08/10/2020 13:46

@BubblyBarbara

I do sort of get the point. If you are family you're family. Just because someone isn't blood related to you (like a sister in law) doesn't make them less "your" relatives.. or would you not invite your adopted children to a wedding because they're not "your" relatives?
That’s really offensive. Adopted children are someone’s children, legally and forever.

Adults choosing to be in a relationship for whatever amount of time is not the same.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2020 13:47

@BubblyBarbara no, but most people have more than 12 relatives on both sides, so couldn't invite their entire family.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 08/10/2020 13:47

OP are you aware of how precious you sound?
Sorry to be blunt but if you weren't in the top 30 you're not going to be in the top 15.
Being an arsehole to your husband won't change that fact either.

OhCaptain · 08/10/2020 13:48

That is a really, really ungenerous way to characterise an in-law.

No it’s not. It’s fact. SIL had no say in who her brother chose to marry.

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2020 13:51

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife

...I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

Totally deranged. I think the poor woman should elope and her brother should file for divorce.

Unless this is another stupid fucking reverse, of course, but PP tend to indicate otherwise.

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2020 13:53

Adults choosing to be in a relationship for whatever amount of time is not the same. (my italics)

♪ Burn, disco inferno ♪

OfTheNight · 08/10/2020 13:55

Your behaving ridiculously. I feel really sorry for your DH, why on earth would you say that to him? It’s his sister’s wedding day. Why should they postpone their happiness for you? Why should your DH be made to feel like shit for wanting to see his sister get married?

Nomorepies · 08/10/2020 13:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.